How to cope when he can't be daddy right now?

[♡ マリィ ♡]

Hey, everyone. It's been a while!
 

I'm not sure if I really need advice, but I'm not really sure what to do in this situation...?

 

My daddy and I are on a break in our relationship; we're still together, but it's like starting all over again and things are slow going. That's fine, we need that at the moment and I think we'll be okay if we keep going in this direction! I'm not worried about our relationship! But I am worried about a facet of it...

 

Since we aren't doing DDLG stuff (he says he still wants to be daddy, but he needs some time), I've been finding it hard to decompress or be comforted when things go badly.

 

I'm not talking a bad day or anything, daily adult stuff I can handle just fine and I'm not trying to be co-dependant, but for an example; today I read about something that was just plain horrific on the internet (some girl who boiled hamsters and a whole host of other nasty stuff I don't really want to repeat) and my first thought was to run to my boyfriend and seek help and comfort.

 

But then I realized we're on break, I can't do that... it's barely been a week, and I know I'd get emotional and clingy if he gave me what I needed. I don't want to subject him to that this early into mending our relationship, I know he'd just withdraw because it's too soon. But even getting into littlespace has been hard for me, and there's not a day that goes by that I don't want to hear "daddy loves you"... I know we're still together and he's still my boyfriend, but I miss my daddy too.

 

I still do little stuff with friends (we have a cute world on VRChat where we all hang out and my friends bring their daddies/mommies along), but it's weird to be there without him. I feel lonely even surrounded by my friends when he's not with me, like I'm at a party and I'm watching everyone else dance and have fun while I stand in the corner and regret having gone at all.

 

And seeing them all be happy and cute together is breaking my heart. Last night my friend's daddy was petting her and promising her a bedtime story and I was so happy for them, but also incredibly, deeply envious... not in a mean way and I didn't show it or anything of course, but I cried a little privately after logging off. I'd do anything for that sort of interaction... I want to be his baby again even for just a moment and I'm struggling with how to deal with it until he's ready...

 

A friend offered to be my chaperone/temp caregiver in VR and play with me/read me stories (platonically ofc, and she's a little/switch herself) which was super sweet, but I feel like that would hurt my daddy and I don't think I'd feel good about it either, so I don't really have an outlet.

 

He hasn't been ignoring me or anything and I'm not going to bring it up because now isn't the right time for either of us, but do any of you have any ideas on how I can cope or self-soothe until (or even if) he's ready to be my daddy again?

 

I've been finding comfort in some of the Build A Bear toys he's gotten me (especially Kylo Bear, he's the one I love the most) and I write in my Sailor Moon journal that he gifted me to feel closeness to him, but every now and then I still do stop and tear up and it's breaking my heart... I just want my daddy back, and I know this situation isn't forever but the part of me that's small doesn't really care about that when I'm deep in my need for him, you know?

 

Thank you for reading if you got this far, it means a lot to even have anyone hear me at all... I'd appreciate any advice or words or... anything, really.

 

Take care of yourselves and drink some water, okay? ♡

 

 - Rey

[Guest Account deleted]

Hi Rey.. I did read your post and I am so sorry you're struggling with this situation, I think I can understand what you're going through right now and I am sending my best energy your way and soothing thoughts, you are not alone, I am glad you shared your story and reached out. 

 

First, please, stop reading/watching stories about people boiling hamsters.. !!! Omg... We all already know too well there are some evil, twisted, wicked people in this world : you are allowed to ignore this fact for a while!! You being aware of these horrible things won't change anything, it definitely won't save the hamsters, and it will make you feel sick and worse. So PLEASE it is OK to stay away from those horrible stories. Please do focus on happier things, there are also thousands and thousands of wonderful people on this planet and I feel that right now, for you, it would be way more helpful and edifying to read about these people, it's ok to focus on happy things, it's legitimate, it's necessary.

 

Even better: stay away from the internet and focus on happy real-life activities that bring a smile on your face; coloring, drawing, any activity you enjoy when in Little Space. It's not because your daddy can't be a daddy, that you can't be a Little.

 

About your current situation, I will be truly honest with you and share my thoughts in a direct way. It doesn't seem fair that you have to deal with this alone. I get it that you guys are on a break. And the way you respect your partner's current needs is absolutely remarkable. However, and I may be completely wrong so, sorry if that's the case but - the way your partner respects your current needs seems pretty inexistent - I know you said he is not ignoring you but frankly, it looks like he doesn't even know what you're going through..? To me, the struggle comes from an obvious lack of balance in the way you organized your "break". Please, don't get me wrong. I am not saying your daddy should force himself to be a daddy whereas he needs time and can't be a daddy right now, this is absolutely not what I'm saying.

 

But the decision you guys took - which is apparently a very good, positive decision right now - is having a negative impact on you. And since you took that decision together, you have to deal with any impact it may cause, together. So please, first of all, consider communication as an option.

 

This being said, if communication isn't an option right now, it is important for you to find a way to function without the dynamic for a while without feeling so distressed.. I think it's wonderful that you are in touch with your friends within the community, it's important to not isolate yourself so good job!!  

 

These are a couple ideas you may want to set up for yourself that might bring a smile when needed: JARS.

 

Find 2 BIG similar jars with lids. Keep one of the jars empty. Keep some paper and a pencil next to it. Fill the second jar up to the brim with all kinds of treats you absolutely love. Little treats like we put in Advent Calendars you know..? Candies, nail polish, stickers, bath bombs, hair clips, any treat that would definitely bring a big, big smile to your face when you're in Little mode. Each time you have a negative emotion linked to your current situation that you don't want to bring up to your partner, write it down. Focus on how it makes you feel. Take your time! And then tear up the paper, put the pieces in the jar and tighten the lid to the max. Now, as a reward for expressing your feelings while respecting your partner's time away from the dynamic, pick a treat in the other jar. Let it bring a smile on your face. Keep it with you all day, to remember you were a brave Little. You can be proud of yourself!

 

Even if your partner can't be a daddy right now, you can ask him to participate by regularly adding new treats to the jar as surprises and lovely attentions!!

 

You may want to have a correspondence journal. It's not a regular Little journal like the Sailor Moon one that you keep to yourself. This journal is meant to be read. Your partner can read it when he feels ready. When the time comes he can be a daddy again and is ready to understand where you're at after the break, then he can read the correspondence journal and learn more about you, about all the great things you did and also about the emotions you struggled with while you were respecting his needs. Use this journal to directly, openly talk to your partner as your daddy, share everything you want, the bad things but of course, also it's important to share all the good things right? This is NOT a journal to indulge in negative thoughts. This is a journal to be open and honest and share. Sharing is caring, right? Decorate, add pictures, drawings, stickers, etc. Share exactly what you would if you were to share with your daddy. The good and the bad, this is a journal to be yourself. See it as a gift for your daddy when he's ready to read it.

 

I know these suggestions are only very weak attempts to help you out with your situation, but I am sharing them as a way to show you I care.

I do understand about not wanting to hurt your partner's feelings.. But your partner isn't the one hurting right now, you are. So before anything else, please do consider communicating what you're going through with him, not as a mean to blame him, but as a way to treat yourself right. You matter. You are precious.

Your post, your way of being so brave and generous, it touched my heart and I sincerely hope things get better for you.

With love and hugs,

Xxx - Bee

[Guest Teasing Tink]

I don't really have any new ideas to add, because Bee always has the best ideas, but I second not focusing on disturbing things. Definitely focus on things that make you laugh or help you generate peace and joy inside yourself, whether that's listening to music you love or watching a cartoon that fills you with a sense of purity. I think it's good to be able to learn to do this for yourself anyway. It's priceless. Learning how to self-soothe leaves you feeling less powerless etc. whenever you have alone time or whatever. Nothing beats being able to give to yourself in this way. It's very fulfilling.

 

It also sounds like you'd benefit from more one-on-one time with a close friend(s), but as a peer and not in a Caregiver role, since you said that would make you feel weird. You know, if you need to vent or whatever. It's good to have friends who can support you in that way by giving you the more in depth attention that one-on-one interaction offers. That way you don't feel so disconnected or get tempted to feel more lonely by just spending a bunch of time with couples in a group which can often be more surface level.

 

I hope you feel better soon, Rey. You seem like a really sweet person.

Edited August 9, 2021 by Teasing Tink

[♡ マリィ ♡]

Hi, Bee and Tink!

 

Honestly, thank you for these responses, I have a lot to consider and do now. ♡

Firstly, I'm not going to look at that content anymore! It's not what I usually consume at all anyway; I came across it on a weird corner of the internet and I've blacklisted everything on Twitter related to that topic now, so that shouldn't happen again. I saw it while I was in littlespace which is why it felt worse without h8im around, but I hung out with a friend and decompressed last night, so that's one good thing!

Also, you're totally right about being little without him, and I'm only starting to frame it that when I'm not in need of him. I've been doing things by myself when I feel small/regress to pass the time; Animal Crossing, VRChat, journaling, going for walks (they're like little adventures!) and as of today, baking! It's all kind of new to me, to be small by myself, but it feels refreshing, too. I think the disconnect from me comes from the idea that I'm little and HAVE a daddy, but he's not around; it's just hard to rationalize when I'm small, but distracting myself has been really helpful!

This jar idea is SO GENIUS, once I'm done with this post I'm gonna go get some old masons I have laying around. I've been writing out my thoughts in my journal but it doesn't have the same impact, probably because it's just sadness and reading it back hurts too... I think ripping up the bad thoughts will help me cement them as temporary and, most importantly, felt. I don't like hanging on to bad feelings and they pass quickly, but having something tangible would help me good about letting them go, too. I also don't reward myself very often, so maybe this will motivate me to be kinder to myself also...

I don't have another journal I can write in, but I've been considering writing letters to him. Letters I'll never send, or maybe letters he'll see in the future... I don't know what I'll do with them, but pouring my heart onto paper when he's not around is such a good idea.

Thank you for ALL of this advice... honestly, I don't think I've been centering myself as much as I should be, and it probably comes from a place of worrying that things won't ever be the same again. And like, I guess, they won't be but that's not a bad thing. I think that what the future will bring will be better, we just have to get there. And I have to get there as my own person.

Also, Bee, I've been talking to a close girlfriend of mine who didn't know I was little, but she's totally on board with me! She loosely understood the daddy/little thing but after I explained she was super receptive and she's been supporting me ever since, so I think I'm on the right track!

Thank you to both of you, reading this really cheered me up and gave me hope that not only will things be okay, but I will be okay and that I can make myself okay, too. You're both amazing, I hope we talk again soon ♡