i'm not in a good place right now... friends and warm thoughts welcome

[Guest BigBeardedDaddy]

So i laid my uncle to rest this afternoon, I do not like funerals never did the whole idea of death just ... So background I served in the USMC from 99 to 07 in that time i saw A LOT of death... So i am not unfamiliar with it, that being said i have found ways to cope and survive thus far but when the times get hard and a loved one dies... I revert back and a cave i crumble and without someone to talk to times get hard... i just hate death and all that associated with it... loosing someone you care about is hard enough then reminders of those you lost don't help... so not only did i get a reminder of when i lost my mom 10 years ago but i also lost my uncle, and to make matters worse i choked on a chicken at the food thingy after words... and almost died myself... thankfully my dad was there to hive me an assist... so i didn't die... i just need to stop being so emotional at these things... like i can't really help it... but then again if i would learn to chew my food... maybe I'd have been better off... on a bad note i was so distraught from today i stopped and bought 2 packs of cigs... and i haven't had a cig in over 6 months... but now I'm smoking like a freight train all over again...knowing I'm gonna be in a ton of pain tomorrow... and not caring about the pain... cause the pain reminds me that I'm alive... as messed up as that sounds... did i mention i hate funerals....

I don't mean to be a mood killer i know we are here to have fun and enjoy and meet people... but to bring a bit of realization to the world i am asking for help or a gentle word or thought, I enjoy being a Daddy but being without someone in my life i can talk to vent to and get support both emotional or maybe a hug... sometimes Daddies need support too... and at the present time... I just really need a hug...  Its like i just want to cry, but i know i have to be strong for those around me...

Also starting tomorrow i'll go smoke free again... I just needed something... something i don't have ...

[Alaskan Daddy]

First and foremost I am sorry for your loss. You are very correct to have some one you can lean on when emotional times are tough is a great blessing to have.

One thing I learned about 30 years ago is reaching out to every loved one in my life and thank them for being a part of my life. So when they pass away I have told them everything I needed to tell them. When some of them did pass away I could morn the loss without any regrets. Death of loved ones will always be hard but having regrets is even more difficult. My biggest loss is that of my mother and I can rest my heart knowing I said everything to her that I ever wanted to say.

As a daddy I have had littles that have been there for me and have had others who could not. But one thing you will always have is this community that you can vent to and always get a virtual hug.

I hope my message can bring comfort to your heart and soul. Good luck with everything.

[ThatGirlShaka95]

I am so sorry for your loss, Its not easy. I know you know how death is, because its a dark time.

Im so sorry.

I lost my best friend, her name was Honey Bee Badd. She was my guinea pig of 6 years. I know she wasnt human, but she was family to me. A person is a person no matter how small. Id experienced death before, but not enough to crumble me to my knees. She was that for me. She died in my arms- She waited till i fell asleep, then she licked me and got comfortable. i wake up an hour later, shes undisturbed, i didnt lay on her. She was at peace and asleep in death. It ripped me apart, i felt like my heart was permafrost in my chest.

time went on, though i wished it wouldnt; like dont make me face you all with my fake face- the world kept moving. Before long it started to come to me as i reflected on her life. The millions of chances that she would be born. Come to me. Call me friend. Her timid nature fully bonded into love. I was impatient, no more. I was more half cocked lol but no more. I realized that she was growing me in ways i had never understood. Of course she couldnt go with me forever, but along the way as we carry on, she would silently teach me.

What am i saying?

I am saying, that though death hurts for us all, it is a natural part of life because death isnt truly the end! My honey is now buried in a flower garden. Her herbivore form, now becoming nutrients for the herbs that nourish butterflies and bees. Humans can't live without bees and butterflies. Shes gone, but her imprint on our world has increased larger than life even if her humble life was only me.

Your uncle, he lives within you. From the jokes, to the memories, to the feelings you felt together!! He lives on not only in heart, but also in the steps you take forward! i mean this in a sweet way and hope im not offending: In reality, it is the living who cannot let go of the dead, as if we could command day and night and time individually. Talk about raining and pouring yeah?? Grief plus quitting...thats a toughie Learning to let go is the hardest lesson and the key is to feel it with no pain killer. Im proud of you for relenting, keep going!! Dont turn to ANY vices!! Read that again!!! Please!! It will only make the wound you already feel, worse: "Not only are you sad, but now you are guilty for turning to a vice" (type thinking.)

" Be StRoNg" strong? im sorry, but What is strong? To me, being Strong is being able to feel the extremes and keep it "solid." Solid: Youre not hurting yourself, others or objects, out of pain or anger. Constructive endurace!

You can do this. You are strong EVEN if you cry!!! So let it out!!

Screw what " women" think. We cry when we hurt! It may not be immediately, but best believe atleast ONE tear came down at SOME point. Why cant guys cry? If you are hurting, then you can cry. Dont wanna cry in front of others?? I GET THAT!! You can cry alone. Cry in the shower. Drive to a desolate county spot, and a tree. CRY. Scream. Let it out before it poisons you, and anything that you touch. Even the clouds of the sky cry, and theyre bigger than you, so im sure Daddies get a pass if you cant drop the gate and show your deepest darkest self in front of those you love, its going to suffocate you! The thing about suffocation is that its not immediate! Its gradual. It looks and seems fine, till it REALLY isnt fine.

If you find that you have no one to talk to that you can remove all those faces for, it never hurts to pray. It may feel silly, and im 99% sure its not a popular opinion, but hey, it works for me ✨ after all, when a heart breaks, you gotta return to the user manual to fix it

 

 

Again, im sorry, both just in case i may have come off callous? And also because i wouldnt wish your pain on ANYONE. How i wish you didnt feel this way. Somewhere down the line, youll think back, and youll feel at peace, knowing that you got the best in him. Youll be there, just take it easy, its not a sprint!

ONE HOUR AT A TIME.

[ThatGirlShaka95]

I am so sorry for your loss, Its not easy. I know you know how death is, because its a dark time.

Im so sorry.

I lost my best friend, her name was Honey Bee Badd. She was my guinea pig of 6 years. I know she wasnt human, but she was family to me. A person is a person no matter how small. Id experienced death before, but not enough to crumble me to my knees. She was that for me. She died in my arms- She waited till i fell asleep, then she licked me and got comfortable. i wake up an hour later, shes undisturbed, i didnt lay on her. She was at peace and asleep in death. It ripped me apart, i felt like my heart was permafrost in my chest.

time went on, though i wished it wouldnt; like dont make me face you all with my fake face- the world kept moving. Before long it started to come to me as i reflected on her life. The millions of chances that she would be born. Come to me. Call me friend. Her timid nature fully bonded into love. I was impatient, no more. I was more half cocked lol but no more. I realized that she was growing me in ways i had never understood. Of course she couldnt go with me forever, but along the way as we carry on, she would silently teach me.

What am i saying?

I am saying, that though death hurts for us all, it is a natural part of life because death isnt truly the end! My honey is now buried in a flower garden. Her herbivore form, now becoming nutrients for the herbs that nourish butterflies and bees. Humans can't live without bees and butterflies. Shes gone, but her imprint on our world has increased larger than life even if her humble life was only me.

Your uncle, he lives within you. From the jokes, to the memories, to the feelings you felt together!! He lives on not only in heart, but also in the steps you take forward! i mean this in a sweet way and hope im not offending: In reality, it is the living who cannot let go of the dead, as if we could command day and night and time individually. Talk about raining and pouring yeah?? Grief plus quitting...thats a toughie Learning to let go is the hardest lesson and the key is to feel it with no pain killer. Im proud of you for relenting, keep going!! Dont turn to ANY vices!! Read that again!!! Please!! It will only make the wound you already feel, worse: "Not only are you sad, but now you are guilty for turning to a vice" (type thinking.)

" Be StRoNg" strong? im sorry, but What is strong? To me, being Strong is being able to feel the extremes and keep it "solid." Solid: Youre not hurting yourself, others or objects, out of pain or anger. Constructive endurace!

You can do this. You are strong EVEN if you cry!!! So let it out!!

Screw what " women" think. We cry when we hurt! It may not be immediately, but best believe atleast ONE tear came down at SOME point. Why cant guys cry? If you are hurting, then you can cry. Dont wanna cry in front of others?? I GET THAT!! You can cry alone. Cry in the shower. Drive to a desolate county spot, and a tree. CRY. Scream. Let it out before it poisons you, and anything that you touch. Even the clouds of the sky cry, and theyre bigger than you, so im sure Daddies get a pass if you cant drop the gate and show your deepest darkest self in front of those you love, its going to suffocate you! The thing about suffocation is that its not immediate! Its gradual. It looks and seems fine, till it REALLY isnt fine.

If you find that you have no one to talk to that you can remove all those faces for, it never hurts to pray. It may feel silly, and im 99% sure its not a popular opinion, but hey, it works for me ✨ after all, when a heart breaks, you gotta return to the user manual to fix it

 

 

Again, im sorry, both just in case i may have come off callous? And also because i wouldnt wish your pain on ANYONE. How i wish you didnt feel this way. Somewhere down the line, youll think back, and youll feel at peace, knowing that you got the best in him. Youll be there, just take it easy, its not a sprint!

ONE HOUR AT A TIME.

[MysticSand]

*sends e-huggle*

 

You have every right to be upset and distraught at the moment. It is normal and it is okay.

I'm sure you're aware of the stages of grief so there's no need to be hard on yourself when you're already having a tough time.

Allow yourself the time and actions to do what you need to in order to accept, grieve, and begin healing.

 

i just need to stop being so emotional at these things... like i can't really help it... 

I think if someone experiences a close death (or death in general) and does not have emotions, that would be troubling.

The fact that you are in fact emotional shows that you're human and haven't been desensitized to death and loss. This is very much a good thing and you're doing your best.

Cry as you feel the need to. Communal grief and support helps to bring those affected closer together. There's no pressure to be strong for anyone in such times, especially not yourself.

These are my opinions, of course, but I would reiterate to allow yourself slack and to not feel guilt over such allowances.

 

Thank you for reaching out here. We're a community that's here for both the ups and downs.

Sending warm vibes your way ~

Edited August 5, 2021 by MysticSand

[Guest Teasing Tink]

You're not a mood killer at all. Please don't feel bad. I feel your pain, but it's an honor to do so. Of course you need support too. You're human. I'm glad you're doing whatever you can to reach out instead of relying on unhealthy coping mechanisms. It's okay to fall, so long as we just get back up again, and that's what you're doing. I'm sure your loved ones who have passed on would want you to take care of yourself too.

 

Please don't be ashamed of your grief or emotion, because it means you have a big heart. And by all means, let yourself cry because it feels good to do so and it's important for you to have that release. Our emotional energy just winds up getting blocked otherwise. 

 

I'm sorry for your losses. I may not have the best words to say, but here's a song that helped someone I care about whenever he lost his parents fairly early on in life. Maybe you'll find it cathartic too. Or, if music isn't your thing, I hope you find something or someone else that makes you feel just a little less alone. ((hugs)):

 

[sFW] 

[Guest BigBeardedDaddy]

I want to thank all those that have responded to this and your kind and inspirational words have helped me more then you may never know but know that I am in a much better place thanks to all of your love and support I appreciate all of you and everyone that read this and didn't post I still appreciate you and your time... unfortunately lost and death are a way of life and I greatly appreciate the love kindness understanding and support this community has for us all... from the very entirety of me heart, Thank You All!