I'm not ok (TRIGGER WARNING)

[HushBabyGirl]

Just need an outlet, and somewhere to let these feelings out. Before I start I do want to say I am not alone right now so don't worry too bad about my safety. I am not ok. I am a little with Depression Ptsd anxiety and almost no support system. I am caring for 2 children who aren't mine and my own son. I am unemployed and still living at home at 24. I feel like I failed at my life plan. I was supposed to have graduated college and had something worthwhile to show for the 24 years here on this earth and really I don't except for a son I can't stand to listen to his voice and I sometimes resent (don't get me wrong I love him more than I love anything in this world). I am trying to convince myself that he wants me and loves me (my kid) but really it feels like all I am doing is fucking him up. I have raised my autistic nephew for the last 5 years (he is 7) and my niece who was born in March, because their mothers would rather be anywhere but with them. (My niece's mom had a traumatic birthing experience so I am not as bitter about her,, she is working through things and still does come and care for her when she can) but I am tired. When I try to ask for help from any of my other siblings (I am 1 of 6 kids) I am ridiculed and ignored. Unfortunately it has me thinking self harm thoughts. I don't have time to go to the psych ward (which is where they will send me) because whose gonna watch the kids? I just don't know what to do anymore and I am really ready to just give up on trying to get better.

[PrincessMaker]

Hey, your life is not your own to lead. You are loved in the eyes of those kids, they are what you have to show.

[Kitten2791]

Stay strong. You matter.

[(not) Narancia]

Okay so first of all, I'm some idiot on the internet so please take everything everything say with a giant heap of salt. With that being said, here's my two cents for what it's worth;

 

You need a support system. It seems like your family hasn't been of much help, so I won't linger on that for too long. I understand you don't have time to socialize whenever because you got kids to take care of, but I would still suggest finding people in your area to connect with. I'm not talking about a super duper best friend, just people to rely on. Obviously this is easier said than done and depending on what type of area you live in, this might even be even more difficult.

 

I'm sorry I don't have a magic fix-all solution. I think everyone reading this wouldn't think twice to make this all go away, not to mention you yourself. You're doing something I'm not sure I could do myself and I recognize how incredibly agonizing that can be.

 

I really really do hope the opportunity to connect with people presents itself and when it does, I know you'll be better off. I believe in you and words aren't enough to express how strong you have been and continue to be for yourself and those kids.

[Vampiress]

I am not a mom, but if I was in your shoes and did not have the kind of support I needed from family I'd reach out to other mothers in my community or online. There are all kinds of ways to connect with mom groups. Some of them have probably been in a similar situation where they felt lost or didn't get to do what they wanted with life and may be at a point where they've figured something out and can maybe guide you on what you can do next. I am familiar with depression and anxiety and I understand the deep, dark places it can bring a person... but the first and most important steps you can take is to admit something is wrong (which you have) and then reaching out for help, which should be your next step beyond your post on this forum. I would also suggest reaching out to a support website or telephone line that you can speak to someone about your depression and thoughts. There might also be resources in your community that can help you out and maybe eventually get to a point where you are able to be independent. All hope is not lost, I do believe you will have options available to you and that someday you can find yourself in a much better and happier place in your life. You just have to be willing to do the work to get there and be determined to make a better life for you and those you care for.

[Alaskan Daddy]

first of all I want to tell you how proud I am of you for taking care of 2 children who are not your own. You should also be very proud of yourself. 

The second thing I want to tell you is that the most important people you need to take care of the most is yourself and your own child.

I feel like you are drowning with all your responsibilities and 50% of those are not even your responsibility. I feel you need to be selfish and plan for your future and the future of your child. The parents of those 2 other child need to step up and care for THEIR children. Don't take no as an answer.  Life is hard for everyone. Your feelings and dreams are just as important as theirs. Don't allow anyone to give you a guilt trip.  I feel you are going to get to a point where you will have a break down and not be any good to anyone. Try to make a plan to accomplish things you want to do and try to do it in baby steps. You need to take take charge of your own dreams because no one else will.  I hope I am not coming on too strong. I know you care about those other 2 children and are worried about who will care for them, but that cannot be your main concern. I hope my words will help you in some way. I really do wish you all teh luck in the world.