Regrets

[Guest Teasing Tink]

As requested: I'm turning my status about this into a thread for those who wanted to respond at length:

 

Do you usually wind up regretting the things that you did, or the things that you *didn't* do in life? Perhaps about an equal amount of both? Or are you one of those annoying people who live with no regrets cuz YOLO!    (or maybe just cuz you're a psychopath, I dunno, lol). At any rate, inquiring minds want to know. 

 

 

 

[Little kaiya]

I made a conscious decision when I was younger to have one firm, never changing life goal, finish my life with no regrets.

 

At 43 years of age I'm still on track to achieve that goal. Have I done things in life that turned out poorly, yep. Things that have hurt other people or myself, yep. Do I regret any of those things, nope.

 

I am who I am now because of everything that's happened or that I've done in my life. I'm not perfect in any way shape or form BUT I do like who I am and if things had happened differently then there's no guarantee I'd be who I am now.

 

For me living life with no regrets is about accepting what happened and being ok with it. As for things I didn't do, well to be totally honest I usually do most everything I want to do. I jump in with both feet and just go for it because, hey, what's the worst that could happen.

 

So I guess to sum it up, I'm not a YOLO person, not a psychopath, not into focusing on the past or focusing on regrets, I'm just me, happy with that including all my flaws and need the past that I have, both things I did or didn't do, to be the person I am now and have the life I have.

 

Kirk/Kaiya

[JMAlexandre]

Hum, I think having regrets is normal, in general is pretty hard to figure out when a decision or whatever might be is put in front of you is gonna cause you regret or not...even when you weight in the outcomes the best of your ability.

 

That said...you can of course change the way you view things ,you can view something that caused regret as a...'had to happen' sort of thing which can bring some peace...and usually it can make you stronger or shape you... to who you are now because of it and overtime both a combination of a different perspective and experience will cause you to get less regret... to a point you might get none.

 

Ultimately I think it does come down to a matter of perspective. Not gonna lie though...it can be a tough process.

Edited July 29, 2021 by JMAlexandre

[MasterPhotog]

I made a conscious decision when I was younger to have one firm, never changing life goal, finish my life with no regrets.

 

At 43 years of age I'm still on track to achieve that goal. Have I done things in life that turned out poorly, yep. Things that have hurt other people or myself, yep. Do I regret any of those things, nope.

 

I am who I am now because of everything that's happened or that I've done in my life. I'm not perfect in any way shape or form BUT I do like who I am and if things had happened differently then there's no guarantee I'd be who I am now.

 

For me living life with no regrets is about accepting what happened and being ok with it. As for things I didn't do, well to be totally honest I usually do most everything I want to do. I jump in with both feet and just go for it because, hey, what's the worst that could happen.

 

So I guess to sum it up, I'm not a YOLO person, not a psychopath, not into focusing on the past or focusing on regrets, I'm just me, happy with that including all my flaws and need the past that I have, both things I did or didn't do, to be the person I am now and have the life I have.

 

Kirk/Kaiya

 

Very well said Kirk/Kaiya, I love it. 

I can't recall how it started, however taking one-day-at-time, having zero expectations of life and being there for others have been an absolutely amazing journey of my life with zero regrets.

 

I love it and can't enjoy it enough!

[MissPattch]

I only carry one regret with me, and only because it helps me to rememeber not to make the same mistake again. Everything i was working towards was lost because of a decision made in anger. Im not one for having regrets usually, if i do something, i do it like little kaiya, with both feet first ^^

 

I have made some rather sketchy decisions in my past and they have either worked really well or gone down in flames, but my mother always taught me that if you make your bed, you lie in it, and thats what i tend to do. Sometimes it has caused me to stay in situations that were damaging to me and other times it has given me some of the most amazing experiences of my life. All i know for sure though, is i wouldn't be the person i am today with out them <3. 

[Guest Teasing Tink]

Interesting. I don't think I got the gene that causes you to not feel regret. If I make a mistake and hurt someone, it tends to haunt me. I feel like there's almost always something I could have done better. If I could go back, and do some things differently, I would, because certain things *wouldn't* massively change the timeline I have now (which I wouldn't trade for anything). Other things probably would. So, yeah, it's hard to say because it's a toss up. For me, it's less about it changing who I am (that's not a static thing anyway) and more about.. I don't know? Not wanting to influence others for the worse? And not wanting to trade the timeline I have now. I guess all this sounds like the makings for a miserable person, but I'm actually a really happy person who is just haunted from time to time and less so as I heal. I'm good at reframing things in my head so I can accept them. However, I guess I find some value in reflecting on how I could have done things better, so I can improve in future relationships. I know I should focus more on the things I do *right* or an equal amount of both, I guess I feel like I do, I just get caught in negative spirals sometimes. I also recognize that there are some things you just don't know before you experience them along your journey. You can't know what you don't know. That is one thing that helps me reframe things for the better.

 

Um, I guess I still didn't really answer my own question. I think I tend to regret the things I did more than the things I didn't do, maybe partially because it's more concrete and less abstract which makes it feels more real. And I usually do the things I want to do. There are some things I wish I already had done, but they can still be done. It's not the same to me as being torn up by wishing I had done something better.

 

Thanks for the responses so far. This thread was inspired by old people who supposedly say they regret the things they didn't do more than the things they did when they're on their death beds. Or that's just some random thing I made up that's stuck in my head lol.

[PapaGrayWolf]

There is a difference between having regrets and letting those regrets affect you.

 

There are many things in my life that I wish I had done differently.  Is that regret?  I suppose by definition it is.  However; as I look back on my life I tend to concentrate on those things that caused me pleasure, that I am proud of, that I learned from.  There is no value to my life for having, or at least dwelling on past mistakes. 

 

My life is statistically close to being over.  I prefer dying with a smile on my face than a thought of "Oh, damn, I wish . . ."

[Little kaiya]

[Guest Teasing Tink]

I think regret can be a motivator. I wouldn't even feel the need to change anything if I never felt any sense of disappointment/repentance over my actions. I think it only becomes unhealthy when you get stuck in rumination, because at that point, it's just mental torture. I think maybe the key is in finding a balance between being easy on yourself by telling yourself it's okay to make mistakes, it's part of how we learn, after all, but also striving to learn from mistakes that have been made.

[DaddysMonkey]

*waves*

 

Hey Tink. I really enjoy this question , as it kind of pertains to a lot of what I’m going through in life right now.

 

As for actions I’ve taken or things I’ve done or don’t do ; say taking a risk and finding a new job , leaving a partner even though it hurt and I was afraid , no regrets. Even if I fail at something time and time again , I have no regrets if my heart is truly in it for the long haul. Take a risk , make a friend , get hurt , move on. Try a new hobby , suck at it , try again or move on. If I know something might hurt me mentally or physically or have a bad feeling I trust my gut and stay away with no regrets of missing out. Even if it means missing out on a potentially amazing friend or job , no regrets because I just trust my gut. Even if I say something in a heated moment of rage and anger I don’t ever really remember regretting anything to an extent it effectively comes to mind. If I said it , I meant it , and if I say it when I’m angry than I REALLY fuckin meant it. Which leads to what I do actually regret.

 

Things unsaid.

 

I wouldn’t say I’m a “yolo” person , but I do live pretty freely and without much regret except for things I never said. This goes for everything and everyone in my life. I usually feel as though my emotions and feelings are a burden and even when someone hurts me and betrays my trust .. I still can’t bring myself to burden them with my thoughts and emotions to either fix things or air my grievances and move on with my life. I have a secret little box in my brain , full of things I never said and wish I did. The things I kept to myself are my biggest regrets , my biggest weakness. If someone hurts me , I don’t discuss things. I cut them off completely (sometimes a window is left open if they risk coming in and asking me to open the box of things unsaid.) I get this hurts the other person also but this isn’t about other people right now , it’s about me.

 

I regret not saying things , because it has made me so weary of everyone. Because it makes me feel alone , and weak , and like I will burst at any moment like a shaken up soda bottle.

 

TRIGGER WARNING :

 

This is relevant right now in my life , because as my grandmother gets older she is getting very close to passing away. I was abused in numerous ways growing up , and my grandmother was aware of everything and saw most of it first hand. I’ve been struggling with the thought of not being able to ask her “why didn’t you ever help me or get us out?” My grandmother is the typical “50s housewife protect the family at all costs pretend we are perfect Christians” type of woman. Although she knew of everything , she acted ignorant to it all. Well I’m grown now , and I decided I didn’t want to live with the regret of not asking her and getting a straight answer. Her reply was , “Well why didn’t you ever tell anybody then ?”

 

This immediately threw me back to my childhood , and all of the abuse. I didn’t even know what to say to her. I had told people , her , schools , church staff. Nothing was done , and not even that… how could you put that on a kid? Ya know ? Like I just had to take a step back and tell myself it wasn’t my responsibility to protect myself. I was unable to.

 

All of my childhood , I spoke up. I tried to ask for help and told people how I was struggling inside and at home. Having my grandmother say this to me really made me think about your status that turned into this thread. Why do keep things in ? It’s because nobody ever listened , and when they did I was treated like an annoyance and if anyone took action over what was happening in my home it would “make waves” and “disrupt the family”. Your status really made me take a look at myself because when I read it , my first reaction was to answer “all the things I never fucking said and should’ve screamed from the rooftops”.

 

Thank you for posting this as a thread , it took a while to be able to calm down and put together what I’ve been feeling.. and I’m sure I could write non stop about my feelings with regret. My regrets are things left unsaid. Thank you , really .. as it made me really self reflect on some shit in my life and how I will try to handle things moving forward.

Edited August 11, 2021 by DaddysMonkey

[Guest Teasing Tink]

Y'all's responses are so thoughtful. Thank you so much for responding. <3 And I'm sorry if my opening post's jokes were somewhat offensive. I was starting to regret it lol.

 

GayKitten - As a person of caution, I also love that "wu wei" mantra. And I had never heard of that "Life is about minimizing regrets" quote before. Very interesting thought process. I can also somewhat relate because I also struggle with social anxiety. It makes my heart sad that you agonize over past events, but I'm also glad that you're learning, growing and moving forward in life by putting things in perspective.

 

DaddysMonkey - I can definitely relate to the things left unsaid sentiment. I tend to also just say things -- for better or worse. I guess the only thing I regret is the *way* I said them, if it turned out not being productive. But at the same time, I know that's just where I'm at emotionally at the time.

 

As for your childhood, it sounds like your grandmother is/was very much an enabler. It makes me angry when I see other family members enabling abuse like that. I'm so sorry you went through that. I also don't really understand her response since as you said, you *did* tell people. I mean, I get that she was just being defensive and that was the lame excuse she came up with, but still. It sounds like nothing was done and that's really infuriating. Of course that's a really shitty position to be in as a kid. You were very brave for trying to tell people. I feel like too many kids wind up normalizing the abuse in the same situation, because they don't know any different and it creates too much cognitive dissonance for them, because the abuser is a family member. And the enablers gaslighting at every turn sure doesn't help. So, even though I'm sure it was shitty, good for you for being wide awake and recognizing the abuse for what it was. I know it would have been easier to just fall into denial over it. I'm glad you were able to get some closure with your grandmother there, even though her response was disappointing. At least now you don't have to wonder. It's definitely important to express/release your emotions so you don't wind up imploding, so I'm glad you did. I wish you healing moving forward. <3