Alone and scared / big big rant

[CuteCupcake]

After typing all this I realised it's a mess, I'm so sorry

 

I hope this is the right place to post this.. Hi I'm Nina (22) and I've been a little for a couple years now. I discovered my little side in my previous relationship which ended in November last year and after the breakup I was feeling horrible and alone for months. In that time I also met a guy (21) online and kinda ended up introducing him to ddlg, because I trusted him so much. Since December he had kinda been my temporary caregiver, it was really wonderful and I felt so safe with him, there was also a lot of stress in my life and I could always come to him and he'd calm me down and reassure me. We eventually fell in love, but because of my previous relationship I still wasn't ready to date again (terribly regret that now). He ended up finding a girlfriend (also online) at the end of January and not to be rude, but the decision to date her was terrible. She had dated half his friend group (including him!!) and even left one of his friends to date him that 2nd time, I really don't know how desperate he was for a relationship (since i said that I wasn't ready yet), but it is what it is. She also knew about ddlg, but she was more into petplay and ended up allowing him to stay my caregiver (it was online, so it's not like anything could've happened, but ofc anything above *cuddles*, *huggies* and stuff like 'stroking my hair' was not allowed). I don't think he ever fell out of love with me (neither did I!!, I've been regretting not saying yes ever since), because it was obvious that he still really liked me from time to time and well after a couple months (around June) their relationship started to become rough and they were basically just suffering, both of them cheated (she knew he did, she didn't tell him til in the end) and suddenly he became so distant to me as well. We were also best friends and he used to tell me everything and ask me for advice, but suddenly there was basically no conversation anymore, no affection or reassurance. Which was horrible timing, because my mum got mentally ill about a month ago as well and I had no one to talk to besides him, because my stepdad even got mad at me once and told me to not cause any problems cuz my mum doesn't need any more. 

 

I myself also missed a couple years of school, because I had depression and anxiety and am now 3 years behind everyone else, so I never ended up getting any irl friends again and needed to rely on my online friends. I really really love him still and I hoped that after that 3rd toxic relationship in a row he would realise that I've always been there (ofc he wasn't only helping me, I was basically almost always available and made sure he felt loved in those rough times with his now ex girlfriend) and give me another chance. I am good friends with his irl friends as well and one day when we were talking I found out he actually really liked a girl in his class and wanted to date her and I just knew that he was about to make the same mistake for the 4th time and date a girl he barely knew/which is known for cheating and being awful again. I also felt so hurt, because I used to be his best friend and he didn't even let me know and ofc it really really broke my heart, because I'd been holding onto the thought that he'll one day realise that I am a good choice, definitely in comparison to his last ones (as I said, he also kept showing me that he loved me and ofc I wouldn't have insisted if he got over me months ago).

 

On Thursday he went to Latitude, an English music festival and I tried to let him be, because I knew I'd been too needy and didn't wanna annoy him. Yesterday night he suddenly texted me that he saw a beautiful girl there and he would've loved to talk to her, but didn't have the courage to. This made me feel happy because 1. it seemed like he was talking to me like a best friend again and wanted my advice and 2. if he wanted to get to know this other girl he probably doesn't like his classmate much, but it also made me sad, because once again he forgot about my existence as possible girlfriend and he basically fell in love with a random stranger again again. 

I just feel like he'll never be mine and he'll not even go back to being my caregiver, because most other girls probably wouldn't be okay with him showing me all this affection while dating them, I love him so much and I don't understand why he's about to make a silly decision again and doesn't see that I'm right in front of his eyes. I get that this seems like I'm speaking very highly of myself, but in comparison to his other girlfriends I really really am a good choice and I've waited so long for him and been always there so why can't he see that I've proven myself, that I'd never hurt him, never cheat and never leave him. 

 

So I'll be alone. The friend group I am in is currently splitting into two parts as well, I am right in the middle and one guy from friend group 1 doesn't let me be with them because I am a girl and made everyone block me because talking to a women is against the 'bro code'. The second friend group mainly speaks over the xbox voice chat while gaming and I don't have an xbox, so I end up being all alone. I only had him left and now I'm losing him as well, my mum is doing poorly and can't even talk to him about it, I have no one to talk to. I am now getting older and the fact that he went to a music festival with his entire family reminded me of how much of a mess my family is, that I'll never go somewhere with them and that I don't have anyone to go anywhere or do anything with at all. I'll have to deal with the big scary life all by myself and no one will be there to help me in any way (my little side is coming out and I am sobbing now ) and no one loves me either. I just have no one and I'll never ever have anyone because I'm way to scared to go anywhere all by myself, so how on earth am I supposed to ever do anything.. I'm always gonna be alone.

[Guest nana <3]

Hello. I've read everything. First of all, i'm so, so, sorry that you had to go through all of this *hugs*

And your story... It speaks home to me a lot. I've been through a similiar thing. And i'm so so sorry that your bestfriend is so blinded by love and other people that he didn't see you, that you are always available for him. He does seem like he is desperate for love.. maybe a hopeless romantic, or maybe a codependent. I'm not really sure but he definitely always make bad choices in his life and fell in love with wrong people. I completely understand your feeling that you love him and you wish you can be together with him. But i worry if he might not be able to be the perfect caregiver for you? I'm sorry if it's rude or anything.. But he... Seems.. Unstable? I'm nor sure.. I don't know much.. But i feel like you deserve more than just a second option.

I'm not really sure how to enlighten him, because if he wants to change and break the cycle of falling in love with wrong people, it'd have to come from his own heart. Perhaps... Would you maybe.. Share all your feelings and thoughts you'd never able to share to him? We never know.. Maybe if you tell everything.. He would finally realized and aware and try to change?

 

And i'm so sorry about your dad's words, that's so horrible and a father should never say such a nasty thing to their daughter.

I'm sorry that the group 1 is so misogynistic. They sound like people you would want to avoid.

 

As i read the last paragraph in your thread. It breaks my heart. I felt the same a lot of the time. I often get envied by other people who have nice family, who can spent time together and do nice things together. Something that we both would never have. And it's so scary to be alone, to deal with everything alone, i agree. So scary that we'd be alone in big scary life and adult life and we have to take care of our own selves. I felt that a lot. But.. You're not alone with this. Please know you are precious, valued, amazing and beautiful. I would suggest getting a therapist if that's possible... But if it's not possible, please try to reach out to mental health group, mental health community, please surround yourself with nice supportive people only.. Stop thinking about all your bad friends, let them be. You deserve better people. People who have been through similiar or bad things in life usually understand your struggle more so i would suggest try to join community for mental health.. Well this community is also nice! I'm sure you'll meet nice people here too.

I believe good people won't suffer forever. There'll be good days awaiting for you. It may not come right away, but it will come. I believe. There'd be a day where you feel super happy and fullfilled and away from toxic people. There's no way you'll be sad forever. And you're not alone in this. Please reach out to me. I would love to be your friend and you can ramble, rant and anything to me. I would listen and try my best to help you. I may not be the best at typing since i have chronic illnesses so i can do voice call if you'd like too. I have free time. And i'd help you whenever you needed.

 

I'm so sorry that you are feeling very scared, alone, and sad at the moment... I hope you feel better soon.. I'm sending you many hugs, plushies, and all the cute things in life for you.

Edited July 25, 2021 by tomie/nanno ฅ•ﻌ•ฅ

[Guest BigBeardedDaddy]

You are never alone as long as you have friends... there are alot of really nice people here to talk to, and this is a really great community of people... I'm sorry your friend doesn't see how great of a friend or partner he has, the terrible thing is sometimes us guys don't see what we have until it's too late. Your in alot of pain right now and I'm so sorry for your situation having been in similar situations in the past but on the opposite side of the fence... but you are not going to be alone your whole life, you have your whole life ahead of you still! And if you need a friend to talk to I'm always avaliable to my friends the few I have left ... I hope you feel better cause that last bit of your rant made my heart cry for you...