Trying to figure 'me' out...

[lostlittlemoo]

Hi, this is gonna be more rambly than anything. I'm sorry in advance. 

 

Didn't really know this DDlg thing was, well, a thing, until a few years ago. At least not in the way I think/hope this place is about. I knew the daddy kink was a thing, but the caregiver part, that was new. Anyhow, I stumbled across it in a book--I know, not always the best for information, but it peaked my interest and got me looking around. Hell, the worse I feel the more I seek those books out to escape from...everything. I'm 32 years old and never gave up a lot of child-like things. I still cling to my baby "rags" (they were cloth "diapers" that I apparently cuddled with instead of actually used), stuffed animals, personifying basically everything, and, when I'm overly stressed or sick, I really act like a baby. Not in the "I'm just being a brat and wanna get my way because I'm sick" way, but like...I don't know how to describe it,...I guess I regress. Talking or even forming coherent thoughts gets really hard. I squeak or make little noises more than anything. I cry STUPID easily. Being yelled at, in general, usually makes me wanna cry. In general I'm a bit klutzy, but again, too much stress or being sick and it gets worse. I have multiple jobs, all of which are pretty demanding and, all but one, require me to be in charge. I love what I do, so not complaining about having to do it, but then I come home and I'm expected to be in charge of the house, too. My marriage is not particularly supportive. Case in point, I tripped day before yesterday (in the middle of the street no less) and rather than making sure I wasn't hurt or helping me up, my husband just yelled at me that I need to be more careful and pay attention to where I am going. it's not like I tripped on fucking purpose. So, of course I started to tear up, which made him yell at me for being an immature baby, and I go silent. Like always. Which results in me getting yelled at more for trying to make him feel bad. Yes, I get it. My marriage sucks. No need to comment there. But even before this relationship came to being, I struggled badly with this stuff. I don't like to leave home outside of work 'cause people are mean and I don't want to be around them. I never could do sleep overs as a kid; even my best friend gets disappointed I won't stay out late with her. I'm tired and ready to be in bed by 9--earlier when I'm not working.  

 

There's really so much I can't even begin to scratch the surface right now, cause guess what? Just thinking about it, and having to go to work later today, has got me crying. I guess what I'm wanting to know is if maybe I am more than just an exhausted adult in a shitty-ass relationship? Where do I go from here? What do I do? Help.

Edited July 8, 2021 by lostlittlemoo

[Guest Hero_Yuri]

So, here is my advice and I genuinely hope it is of help, but if not then apologies. So, leave the guy; not gonna super comment on it as you said in your writing, but he is abusive and at this point and he is gonna make you always cry/feel horrible. Next, I suppose time to look for another job; if possible that is, since it makes you feel that way.

I don't think it is a bad thing you don't like to leave your home in anyway; if you could work from home that would be ideal and overall better for your mental health. it honestly sounds like you need a break from all of this bad stuff tbh.

[Guest Teasing Tink]

I'm not going to pretend I understand the whole of you because as you mentioned, what you shared was only just the tip of the ice-berg. I'm also not sure if you've experienced childhood trauma or other kind of trauma before getting into this abusive relationship, but I will say that sometimes we attract or are attracted to abusive people when there is something broken/unhealed inside of ourselves -- whether from past trauma/low self-esteem or whatever else. It sounds like you age regressing is at least partially a way to cope/escape from your current situation and stressful situations in general. I'm guessing your child-like/"little" tendencies are also just a natural part of your personality like it is for many "littles." And some of the other stuff sounds like sensitivity/anxiety from past/present trauma that needs to be healed in combination with you probably just being a naturally sensitive person as well.

 

I know you didn't want us to really comment on your marriage, but I think it's hard to separate or exclude it because the people we have intimate relationships with wind up impacting our mental health a lot, for better or worse. And sometimes you don't fully understand the damage that's being done until you're out of it. I think it's worth asking yourself why you think you entered this type of relationship in the first place and why you're staying at the moment (unless you're planning on leaving), what do you feel you gain from it? What do you fear you'll lose by leaving? Just obvious questions which you've probably already asked yourself. Other than that, it might be worth it to go for counseling. Whatever you wind up doing, I hope you find healing and take care of yourself. <3

[AsleepAndDreaming]

Your post made me sad, I'm not sure whether it's because the content of it indicates you are really unhappy, or because it's going to be really difficult to help. I'm really sorry if my response (and possibly advice) isn't what you want to hear. 

 

First off, there are several parts of your post which make me think you're depressed. The fact that you cry easily, the fact that you go to bed so early, the fact that you don't have much inclination to socialise, and the realisation that your marriage is not what you want it to be, yet you don't seem to be capable of changing it or even walking away from it. I've suffered badly myself in the past so I understand it seems impossible to change things and you might not even know how to start. Your mental health is so fragile and so difficult to repair. Virtually anyone who works multiple jobs and then comes home to take charge of a house will have to deal with high levels of stress and that in itself affects your mental health. When do you ever get time for yourself? When do you have time to relax? When do you ever do nothing?

 

With regards to the DDlg side of things, there are many people who identify as little who have to be "big" all day and view regression, or behaving like a child, as a way of releasing at least some of the stresses of adult life, and it takes away their need to make decisions, especially if they have a partner they trust who can take control. Unfortunately you don't seem to have that. So if you do have a refuge, a safe space, a secret hideaway, my advice would be to try and spend some time there and do things that are proven to release stress and help you access your little space - for example colouring, reading, playing with stuffies, and watching whatever your favourite little programmes are. You could even put a post on this site asking if any other littles want to be friends so that you can chat and swap ideas about good little things to do. If you don't have that, then you will never have "me time", and you'll never have the chance to escape the vicious circle you're trapped in.

 

Overall I'm not sure how much of your post is about DDlg, or whether it is more a reflection of your own adult situation and a cry for help in the hope that someone can offer a way forward and a way out. I'd echo what Teasing Tink said in her reply, I think you probably need professional help in the form of counselling. And I know that might not be what you want to hear, but when I read and re-read your post it is so very obvious that you are so clearly unhappy with yourself, your life and your circumstances. I'm not sure you understand yourself or how you've got to the place you're at right now. And the most important thing you need to learn to do is to love and appreciate yourself, but to do that you have to understand why you are who you are.

 

So it really depends if you have hit that point, that moment, when you realise that if anything is going to change, the only person who is able to do anything about it is you. The Catch-22 is that if you're depressed, if you're stressed and if you're trapped, it becomes that much harder to change anything. And I think knowing that is probably what made me sad. I just hope you find a way to heal. 

[DatDaddy]

This is a difficult situation to comment on.

I agree with the majority here that it sounds like an abusive, and unsupportive marriage. 

It's not my place to say "You should leave him!", or anything as I don't know every aspect of your marriage...

 

However in my opinion it does sound like you'd live a much happier life if you did. I'd recommend saving some money up, seeing how you feel, and deciding what you want to do after you have the accumulated funds to do what your heart desires. Sorry if anything being recommended is impossible due to life's limitations. I know not every situation is as easy to get out of as it sounds but I hope that this one is the exception to that usual problem. 

[Vampiress]

Given I don't know you or your marriage beyond what you've given us... all I can say is that perhaps consider finding more time for yourself. Maybe that might require therapy, rearranging your schedule, etc. I don't know if you can let go of a job or if you'd consider a change in your relationship (couples therapy or splitting). There's a lot you can do here to reclaim your time and mental health. You aren't just an overly stressed adult in a bad relationship, that doesn't define you. What defines you is who you are as a person... your personality, your beliefs, your passions, the things that bring you joy. These other things are just things taking up your time and space in your head that is causing you way too much stress. Find a balance, give yourself time and space to be happy regardless of anything else going on.

[lostlittlemoo]

There is trauma in my background--then again, whose doesn't have it? I've tried counseling and a variety of meds for 20 years. It's never given me what I needed, thus reaching out elsewhere. My marriage isn't perfect, or frankly very good sometimes, but it's not the root of the problem. I love my jobs, it's just exhausting being "on" all the time. The problem is me not getting what I need 'cause I don't know what that is. I know it's not counseling, I know it's not meds. I just need somewhere safe I can chill out the way I need, squeaks and all, without being shit on, and I don't know where or how. 

[cojames214]

I want to start off with saying that your trauma is very valid, and just because you currently don't see it as bad, or bad in comparison to other people's trauma, does not make it any less valid or any less traumatizing in your life. I'm horribly sorry that you went through that trauma and that it is still effecting you to this day. 

 

As someone who has been reading a bit about the topic in the past few months, it sounds like you might have "Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder." It would make sense why counseling and meds haven't helped because its kinda hard to diagnose, and if some of these twenty years were in the 90s and 00s it definitely would have been harder. 

 

Definitely not a licensed and practicing anything, but it be something you might want to look into. 

 

Best of luck.