Lost in touch with my little side. Advice?

[Glittery Marshmallow]

A little back story, me (21F) and Daddy/boyfriend (22M) have been together for 2 and a half years, one and a half of which, we've spent in a long-distance relationship because pandemic. And it strained our relationship, we've been through ups and downs and almost broken up but we're good now.

 

I introduced him to the dynamic and gave him a lot of time to research and let him ease into it but I also let him know the things I liked about the dynamic. PHASE I: So, once he did tell me that he would be into it(After some research and reading up), I figured we could give it a go. After some point, he called it off since we were fighting a lot in our big relationship and he was having trouble understanding what little me needed.

Of course, little me was hurt but I let it be, and then, we picked it up which is PHASE II. It was good for a bit. He said he'd missed little me a lot. But well, there weren't rules, rewards, and punishments, which I did point out continuously since it's one of my favorite things about the dynamic and keeps my head straight and there were some for a bit but well, things fell apart again. I had a breakdown. I called it off for a few days. 

 

 

PHASE III: Anyhow, we picked it up again. And he assured me he's into it and into little me. Over and over again. But I don't feel like he is and he says that so that I'm happy. 

And, well, ever since lockdown started and I'm surrounded by family all the time, I've lost in touch with my little side. And I feel uncomfortable slipping into little space in front of my boyfriend which made me think if I'd just lost Little Me altogether.

But today, I realized that I didn't feel uncomfortable slipping into little space in front of a friend who is also a DD. 

And I also feel as though I'm creating issues out of thin air which is why I don't want to discuss it with the boyfriend till I have a solution. 

 

Thoughts? 

 

PS: We do have a good thing going, big relationship wise. We did have a falling out a few months ago because our mental health's were suffering but it's not on and off, so much. 

Edited July 6, 2021 by Glittery Marshmallow

[Vampiress]

What's standing out to me is that you've noticed you have no issue slipping into littlespace in front of a different Daddy that you know. Based on your history with your boyfriend, I wonder if that is because he has let you down so many times that you struggle to fall into that vulnerable space with him because you're already prepared for the idea that it's not going to work out like you want it to. Basically, it sounds like he keeps making empty promises he can only fulfill a short period of time, but ultimately keeps giving up. It's unfair of him to do that, because it feels like he's leading you on. I wonder if maybe he likes whatever attention you give him and your mannerisms as a little, but he doesn't want to put in the effort to fulfill your needs. Maybe this doesn't work as a 24/7 dynamic for him. I don't know if you have a sexual DDlg relationship, but if you do then maybe it is just a bedroom thing for him. Sounds like you really need to talk to him and draw the actual truth of the matter out of him, find out what he ACTUALLY wants. Why does he think he likes DDlg, why does he keep giving up on the structure of the dynamic so quickly, etc. I don't think you've lost your little side, your boyfriend has just crushed your confidence in being little with him because of his actions. In order to get that back with him he'll have to be more serious about it with you and prove to you that he wants to be Daddy and that you are safe as a little in his care. If not, then maybe you are only able to have a Big relationship with him. I wish you the best of luck because I can tell you care about him and really want this to work out.

[Glittery Marshmallow]

What's standing out to me is that you've noticed you have no issue slipping into littlespace in front of a different Daddy that you know. Based on your history with your boyfriend, I wonder if that is because he has let you down so many times that you struggle to fall into that vulnerable space with him because you're already prepared for the idea that it's not going to work out like you want it to. Basically, it sounds like he keeps making empty promises he can only fulfill a short period of time, but ultimately keeps giving up. It's unfair of him to do that, because it feels like he's leading you on. I wonder if maybe he likes whatever attention you give him and your mannerisms as a little, but he doesn't want to put in the effort to fulfill your needs. Maybe this doesn't work as a 24/7 dynamic for him. I don't know if you have a sexual DDlg relationship, but if you do then maybe it is just a bedroom thing for him. Sounds like you really need to talk to him and draw the actual truth of the matter out of him, find out what he ACTUALLY wants. Why does he think he likes DDlg, why does he keep giving up on the structure of the dynamic so quickly, etc. I don't think you've lost your little side, your boyfriend has just crushed your confidence in being little with him because of his actions. In order to get that back with him he'll have to be more serious about it with you and prove to you that he wants to be Daddy and that you are safe as a little in his care. If not, then maybe you are only able to have a Big relationship with him. I wish you the best of luck because I can tell you care about him and really want this to work out.

First of all, thank you so much!

Also, after finally gathering some courage, I did end up confronting him about it.

Also, to answer, we do have a sexual thing. And he needed me to spell it out for him what I actually wanted which I guess I'm not too good at. Mostly because of the: "I need to be taken care of, but it makes me feel guilty because nobody has ever properly taken care of me except my mom" thing. 

And we got to a conclusion which I can shorten as 'lack of expression'.

The thing I forgot to mention, we've had trouble in the past and a lot of it can be attributed to his lack of expression. We actually don't have trouble when we're together IRL but long distance is just sucking the life out of the whole thing. Mainly because, he's more of an action person. IRL I can actually see him doing things. For example, picking me up from my classes (we go to the same University), staying back for me, taking care of what I'm eating, helping me with my studies, ordering extra when I say no, sitting and staying while I'm losing it (and all that.

What's worth mentioning is, he has schizophrenia which kind of makes him distant at times and I guess that's a lot of it.

Plus Pandemic made it worse than it was and I guess my mental health suffered because of my dysfunctional family and my mom (the person I love the most and vice versa) going into critical care for a month or so. 

But things are good now. Or at least getting a bit better. All I really need is to get out of the family house now and actually be with him in real life so that things can be fixed a lot more than this. 

 

[Big_Bears_Princess]

Hi ^-^ this is my first time replying to someones post, so I'll do my best to say what I want to say without it getting confuzzled up.

 

Have you ever considered that maybe your Daddy isn't "ready"? It takes more than just research to be a Daddy. You say that you want structure, rules, and a sense of security but to have that you need to both be mentally ready for that. Does he have his own life under control? You mentioned that both of your mental health's aren't the best. You can't be in control of someone else unless you're in control of yourself (one of my Daddy's favourite things to say). I don't say this to be a downer or anything by the way, I guess I just felt like maybe I could give some perspective from the other side. My own Daddy was very similar to how you are describing your partner not that long ago. We tried twice to have a dynamic, and both times it flopped because he wasn't yet ready to have that sort of responsibility. But now that he has started to get his life together he has the stability he needs to focus outwards rather than just inwards and we finally have a chance to flourish. 

[Glittery Marshmallow]

Hi ^-^ this is my first time replying to someones post, so I'll do my best to say what I want to say without it getting confuzzled up.

 

Have you ever considered that maybe your Daddy isn't "ready"? It takes more than just research to be a Daddy. You say that you want structure, rules, and a sense of security but to have that you need to both be mentally ready for that. Does he have his own life under control? You mentioned that both of your mental health's aren't the best. You can't be in control of someone else unless you're in control of yourself (one of my Daddy's favourite things to say). I don't say this to be a downer or anything by the way, I guess I just felt like maybe I could give some perspective from the other side. My own Daddy was very similar to how you are describing your partner not that long ago. We tried twice to have a dynamic, and both times it flopped because he wasn't yet ready to have that sort of responsibility. But now that he has started to get his life together he has the stability he needs to focus outwards rather than just inwards and we finally have a chance to flourish. 

Hey there!

I did consider it and talk to him about it which would've been why I called it off during Phase II.

And you're not being a downer! Thanks for the advice and the perspective. And it does make a lot of sense to me actually. Thanks for the clarity. :3

[Vampiress]

If your boyfriend is neurodivergent that will definitely affect how he reacts to things and sees them and might need more guidance than someone who is neurotypical. Often times it is helpful to just be very straightforward and clear, which I know can be really hard for some people which is something you'll have to work on. I can also see how being long distance will take a huge toll and that maybe a lot of these issues would be non-existent if you were together IRL consistently. That is something that can only be fully remedied by being closer, and somewhat remedied by finding creative ways to keep the dynamic going, but that means he has to stop giving up on putting in that effort. It is possible, as said above, that is also not fully ready and maybe needs to work on some things before he can focus on it.