discreet hand signals for public.

[moondust mochi]

hi, everyone! 

 

your favorite chirpy bird here with a public setting relationship question! 

 

my Daddy and i are long distance, and usually, we don't need to worry about being able to communicate subtly in public.

however, this coming vacation we're taking is as a group with our other partners, and we'll be staying in a house together for over a week. 

it's the longest amount of time we'll have spent together in a row, and i'm a little worried about getting overwhelmed. 

 

does anyone have any tips for discreet hand signals that you and your partner use in public? 

i've seen a lot of Tiktok, but i'd love to hear what other folks think! 

 

i'm looking for something along the lines of 
'i'm uncomfortable and would like to go.'
'strike one, strike two, strike three' 
'drop this until we're alone together.' 
'quiet.' 
'at my side.' 
'i'm needy.' 
'when can we leave?' 

 

[Guest Aquaman]

using hand signals seems kinda silly unless youre the type of person to use alot of hand signals while talking. i think using phrases or words would be better. or you could just send a text if its something that isn't urgent, everyone uses their phone while talking in groups from time to time.  but if it is urgent like a " drop this until we are alone" kinda thing then i suggest just having a dedicated word for that important phrase. 

[moondust mochi]

using hand signals seems kinda silly unless youre the type of person to use alot of hand signals while talking. i think using phrases or words would be better. or you could just send a text if its something that isn't urgent, everyone uses their phone while talking in groups from time to time. but if it is urgent like a " drop this until we are alone" kinda thing then i suggest just having a dedicated word for that important phrase.

hi! yeah, this would be helpful if we used words, but i specifically asked for hand signals because i often go selectively mute during overwhelming situations and don’t always have my phone on me. similarly, i’m looking at this more from a high protocol angle than a convenience angle. but thanks anyway!

[Guest Account deleted]

Hello! Mmmmh... That's interesting and I can surely understand why being able to communicate so subtly can be needed..

I tried to think about it and I only have a few suggestions, that don't always use hand signs only.. I hope it can help a little nonetheless..

 

 

I'm uncomfortable and would like to go.. I would rub my index finger on the tip of my thumb

Drop this until we're alone together.. If sitting at the table, I would interlace all of my fingers and tap my thumbs together

 

Quiet.. I don't know for that one.. If my partner was to raise both his eyebrows more than 2 long seconds while looking straight at me with "that look" you know... I would certainly get the message without trying to decipher his hand gestures..

At my side.. Pretend to brush something off your shoulder with your hand

 

I'm needy.. I would use my index finger to discreetly scratch the corner of my mouth

[Guest violeta]

I came across this TikTok yesterday, you might find it useful:

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMdyEagXg/

 

Personally I always have a safe words even in public spaces without any BDSM involved.

 

And I used to Do you signals through holding hands, squishing his hand to let him know I wanted to leave and holding his thumb to ask for mercy or to stop what he was doing/saying.

Edited June 24, 2021 by violeta

[moondust mochi]

thank you guys so much for your responses! 

i love the ideas, and i'll definitely check out that video. 

[Guest Account deleted]

 

thank you guys so much for your responses! 

i love the ideas, and i'll definitely check out that video. 

 

 

You're welcome!  I'm so happy we could help a little! Xxx - Bee

[Mr_Robert_Giles]

using hand signals seems kinda silly unless youre the type of person to use alot of hand signals while talking. i think using phrases or words would be better. or you could just send a text if its something that isn't urgent, everyone uses their phone while talking in groups from time to time.  but if it is urgent like a " drop this until we are alone" kinda thing then i suggest just having a dedicated word for that important phrase. 

Actually, using hand signals is not silly at all. In fact it's easier and draws a considerable lot less attention to others, where as cryptic words and phrases do draw attention. Especially when the others are in the same polycule, who can be concerned with the cryptic messages. I equate it to speaking a forgien language in front of people, and more often times than not can be both uncomfortable or considered rude to others not in the know.

 

I use to use hand signals for y subs and such, particularly when we were around and vacationing with others in our polycule. I was fortunate to have had one partner that was fluent in ASLSEE Sign(American Sign Language and Signing Exact English), and we were able to develop signs that would work effectively for both of us, as she had severe anxiety especially in public and verbal messages made her even more anxious.

 

I would suggest starting there, along with other modalities of body language, and appropriate touches. Little taps on the shoulders, a squeeze here & there, to say, I'm here fr you, are you okay?" and double hand squeeze to say "I'm uncomfortable can we please leave" or "meet me in a designated spot, like the toilet to help me calm down I am overstimulated and need a hug"

 

Scratching my nose with my left hand with one finger meant, "That's one. You've been warned", (I'm right hand dominate, and wouldn't use my left for such things), Then 2 fingers from my let hand scratching the right side of my neck meant, "That's 2! Do we need to have a chat?" and so forth and so on.

 

I would start there

 

Cheers, hope this helps

[Righan]

Not sure this will still be relevant to your post as I'm sure it was time sensitive, but I also find hand and other body signals to be valuable. When I'm in groups or public spaces I tend to go mute and feel uncomfortable with words, but still have a desire to communicate. Using hand signals / body language to indicate emotional states and base ideas can also be a way for me to relieve social stress ... a form of stimming ... so communication this way with other people is simply natural for me. I've also found that in loud social environments it can be a way to communicate something from across the room without having to shout or when someone else is talking and you don't want to interrupt them.

I've learned a limited amount of ASL and that helped influence how me and my girl developed our signs for each other. Like when I use the sign for R (me) combined with the sign for girl (her) ... a shortcut way of saying "you are my girl and I am your papa".

It can be used in a variety of situations ... at core its a private "I love you" that is more intimate because its ours and only ours. Alternately, If she is about to attempt something she's nervous about in a social situation, I can use it to reassure her and encourage her ... a way of saying "I am with you... you can do this" ... however, if she's starting to get out of line in public and particularly if she is pushing our poly rules ... it can be a way to subtly remind her of her commitment ... a "don't forget our relationship to each other" ... Since the symbol for 'girl' is moving the hand across the jaw, she will also see my face when I do it and my expression can help add meaning to it ... for instance, if its some kind of rebuke I usually furrow my brow and frown when I make the sign. She can use the sign to communicate these different things to me as well.

Obviously that sign wont work for you ... but it is an example of how signs can be used and created.

I also like to look at military hand signals or 'visual signals' for ideas because they are often easy to remember, have a lot of field testing so we know they work, and are meant for exactly what your talking about - a way for people to communicate quickly and clearly in situations where verbal communication isn't a good option ... there are lots of resources for it ... just google 'military hand signals' ... here is a link to one though ... https://armynavyoutdoors.com/blog/learn-military-hand-signals/

 

Then we are also both very self aware people and have paid attention to the gestures we naturally make when we feel certain emotions and just turned them into 'official' signals. Other than simply needing a source of inspiration, these can also good because you are already using them subconsciously and can indicate things to your partner when you aren't yet consciously aware, allowing them to almost read your mind and react preemptively. Of course, finding out what your gestures are in the first place does require self observation which can be tricky for some people ... although if you've spent time around your partner, you can ask them what gestures or body language they have observed you using regularly and explore why you do them and what they mean ... ( which can also be a good bonding exercise as you learn more about yourself and each other together )

 

Some examples :

 

A closed left hand (fist) laying flat with the fingers down like resting on a table and the right hand inverted so the palm is toward the ceiling, and then tapping the back of the right hand against the back of the left hand like a reverse golf clap is something I naturally do when I am getting stressed or overwhelmed ... so we use it to indicate that emotion ... when she does it its kind of a 'yellow' or a soft red ... a "I'm reaching my emotional limit please back off" ... when I do it to her, its usually "you are pushing my buttons / breaking the rules ... stop" ... however, typically we use it more when we need the other persons help ... like if she's talking to someone and their upsetting her I can know to change the topic or otherwise intercede ... she does that and I can come and help ... or if I'm doing it when we are at a doctor and I'm stressing, she knows to come and sit by me for support ... or if we are talking to a salesman or 'friend' who wants us to do something ... and one of us is feeling pressured or uncomfortable and we make the gesture, the other knows we need to extract ourselves from the situation and discuss it ... it can also be used with various 'activities' ... like I have sensory processing disorder and I can't process some restaurants menus ... I just can't see them ... which isn't something I like to advertise ... but if I'm having an issue with the menu ... I make the gesture and she knows I need her to help with it ... (which has its own protocols... but its at least a way for her to know to initiate them)

 

Then there is an open palm hand up ... like your holding something in your hand ... this is something we do to indicate we are feeling strong emotion and/or are starting to get overwhelmed but are currently trying to channel and control those emotions .. the gesture is based on a meditative behavior of imagining a flame in your palm and your emotions flowing down your arm and into the fire and being consumed by it as a way of letting them go ... so its sort of similar to the previous gesture ... but indicates we are still willing to continue ... but we are reaching our limit and may need to stop / help soon if we can't control our emotions ... typically we don't use this one intentionally when directly interacting with each other ... its more something we use when interacting with others in a social situation ... like if someone is stressing us and we might need help soon ...

 

She also uses what we call 'banishing' sign ... where you put your top three fingers together and thumb and make a flicking gesture towards something ... this is her way of saying she has a problem with someone or something specific and wants it to stop and needs my help ... typically with her indicating what it is that she has a problem with by the direction of her gesture ... like if we are at a social gathering and a person is bothering her and she wants me to intercede ... or if we are with friends and the music is too loud she might do it towards the stereo ... if she means the whole place is a problem and she wants to leave ... she'll make the gesture and then either move her head back and forth like she's looking around the room or take her hand and point her finger at the floor and draw a circle in the air ... meaning 'banish everything' ...

If she has indicated she wants something and I want to tell her 'not now ... we'll discuss this later' ... I open the palm of my right hand and point it towards the ground and move my hand up and down ... a 'put it on the ground' gesture ... meaning this topic is tabled ...

While I don't USUALLY use the 'that's one' ... 'that's two' ... 'that's three' ... with her ... I don't have too ... she rarely gets that far out of line ... if it was necessary, I would honestly just keep my hand low and use my fingers to indicate one, two, or three ... usually with a frown ... or the glare she affectionatly calls 'the papa look'

To communicate 'I'm feeling needy' or 'insecure' ... she will usually act like she's holding a teddy bear to her chest ... so close her hands and put them over each other and pull them against her sternum.

If its a major issue ... alert ... help ... panic ... get me out of here ... she does what we call the 'bee-do' ... similar to the 'banishing' gesture but she points it up ... like she's holding a red flashing light ...

We have several other gestures ... but you get the idea ... as noted, several of the gestures have multiple or contextual meanings ... and part of knowing what those individual meanings comes from being together a long time but it could also be developed from discussing a variety of scenarios and contexts ... in many ways, I also feel, since the gestures usually indicate emotions that changing how you react to it based on the situation is just common sense ... if you said "help - i'm being stressed" in different situations would your partner know what you needed them to do without further comment? If the answer is yes ... then all you need is to indicate the emotion ...

 

Edited July 8, 2021 by Righan

[moondust mochi]

 

 

 

 

 

thank you so much! 

this is exactly what i was looking for!

i super appreciate it. 

[Righan]

I'm glad to have helped. Good luck.