Thoughts on D/s dynamics and 24/7 lifestyle.

[Pupperoo]

Hi!

I'd like to start off by saying I am not speaking for anyone but myself here, although my points derive from experience and talks with others within BDSM in general.
 

Topic: 24/7 lifestyle

 

Okay, so lately across multiple platforms and websites I've seen a lot of discussion, judgement and differences in opinion on what is a BDSM relationship and what it means to live it 24/7. I often feel like I have to tell people when I meet new potential caregivers online that I don't want to live 24/7 because there is this perpetuated understanding that by saying that I mean I want to be in onesies with my stuffies and a pacifier day in, day out, and be cared for by another person. An understanding that by wanting to be a 24/7 little or sub I am always going to bend my will to the Dom and they are always going to have to make my decisions for me and always lead not only their own life, but mine as well, and I think this is a thinking that needs to stop. Bear with me here!

When I tell someone I want to live the lifestyle 24/7 that doesn't take away from the fact that I am an adult human being with a life outside of my relationship, a life involving family, work, school and friends that extend beyond the scope of whatever it is I have with my Dom. In a perfect world all of those things would function within the boundaries of me being a little and me having a Daddy/Mommy, but that's not how it works and as such we need to understand that even the 24/7 littles needs to be adult at times, even around their CG's, and similarly the Dom's will need to step out of that headspace where they are in charge and makes decisions and thinks of this other person every single second of their waking time. Let's face it; not all Doms are in a position at work where they are in charge and not all of these Doms have a personality outside of their headspace that allows them to always carry authority. But that doesn't mean those people can't live this lifestyle 24/7 with their partner. I may not have a pacifier in my mouth or a diaper around my waist, but if my Dom wants me to life my skirt so he can go to town I still very much love that even if I am not in sub or littlespace respectively. The headspaces don't define my role in that relationship, and the same goes for the Dom. 

Creating an understanding that a 24/7 D/s lifestyle doesn't require either person to be in their respective headspace 24/7 is something I would love to do. After all, as with everything in society, there is a time and place for everything and getting your sub into that vulnerable headspace is not something you should be doing everywhere. Where it's appropriate is something you figure out together as a couple, as a team, through hours and hours and hours of in depth communication. This, of course, applies in the other direction as well. Just because you are the sub/little and you deal with anxiety or insecurities that doesn't mean your partner is always mentally equipped to put on that CG mantle and drag you out of that place in your mind. But this, again, doesn't mean you're not living that lifestyle 24/7 either. 

The main take away here is that there is no defined rule book that says 24/7 means this or that, but it's precisely what you and your partner make it out to be. Communicate and stop setting these predetermined definitions for what everything in CG/l or BDSM is before you experience them or talk them through with a potential partner.

Topic: Judgement and viewpoints

 

This is the topic I hate that I even have to think about. The other day I came across a journal on Fetlife about a person that got slammed by this dom/sub couple through harrassment and manipulation because they didn't agree with their stance on what BDSM and a D/s relationship is. In essence, the sub (the mean one) commented on a picture of another sub wearing tight pants that they are a fake sub because they are not wearing a skirt or dress and as such aren't always available for their dom. Of course this is preposterous! Now, what's more preposterous is that when this other sub (the write of the journal) stepped in and said that every sub is different and they may have a different relationship with their dom, the one that had commented in the first place began harrassing the journal writer through personal messages. To note, the one that wrote the journal is open about having a LDR Dom while living with a vanilla husband, and as you might imagine this doesn't count as a true BDSM relationship to that other sub. The dom of that sub even contacted the journal writers dom to tell him to ditch his sub and find a local one for some REAL BDSM stuff.

Okay, now that I set some context to my thinking here, let's delve into it:
First and foremost: You will never have the power, nor the right, to tell anyone that the way they live their life is wrong. All you can do is live your life in whatever fashion you can or want to, and find those that are likeminded. Slamming others online for not living up to your idea of what a certain lifestyle means is straight up stupid. This is something I see a lot within the DD/lg community. There is so much stigma regarding both CG's and Littles and it's really starting to frustrate me. Either the Little is too old, or not the right gender, or not little enough. Or the CG is too young, too old, not handsome enough or too handsome. No one is ever satisfied or happy and there is a simple reason for this: due to the intimate nature of this particular D/s dynamic, we spend a lot of time dreaming about the day we meet that one person that we can do this with. We build up so much expectations and so many predetermined notions for what we want out of it that when someone approaches that just slightly deviates from this there is, for some reason, some need to either shut them down immediately, simply ignore them or publicaly call them out as fake or something along those lines.

This needs to stop!

A Daddy can be someone that weighs 400 lbs and haven't shaved in two years, or a 25 year old man that is extremely fit. It can also be someone from the middle east, east Asia, south America, Africa and literally any other place on this planet. You'll never know if they are the right fit for you until you talk to them. You never know their circumstances unless you talk to them. This also goes for Littles. I understand we all have our own sexualities and while it saddens me that a lot of CG's don't even consider me because I am trans, I do get it. If you're looking for a female or a male, you are just going by what you're attracted to and that is perfectly fine. But demanding that your Little is fit and active and always makes themselves look perfect for you is ridiculous, and expecting your CG to be X years older than you and have a specific figure and fitness regime isn't fair either. It's also ridiculous that we judge each other within our own roles. Why do littles keep belittling other littles based on their real age, little age and body size? It makes absolutely no sense. Just be happy there are others out there with a common ground that you can connect with.


One final addition as this is something I really just want to get out there for the safety of everyone:

 

If you want to be someone's CG you are expected to instill trust. If you can't even put a picture of your face on your profile and write even the simplest profile introduction about yourself, why do you get surprised that no one accepts your friend requests or answers you when you contact them? It's creepy!

On the other hand, littles, stop giving all information away. The more information you give away the sooner potential CG's can make an uninformed decision about you. They feel like they understand you and then don't talk to you, even though actually talking to you and learning more about you that way may be the best thing they ever do.

Balance! Understand the other side, please!

And yes, that last bit is definitely a very personal take for me, but you know... I hate seeing all these empty 'daddy' profiles, and I hate seeing all these sweet littles getting ghosted or ignored because they get too intense in their profiles. It's a shame!

Sorry for the long post. I hope it helps someone and if anything I hope it opens up some healthy discussion. If you're here to hate on anything I urge you to take a deep breath before typing, or even closing this tab for the good of everyone involved

Have a good weekend y'all. Love ya!

[Vampiress]

I agree with much of your post, but I think sometimes it feels like the community is super judgmental sometimes because those kind of people are loud and stand out, but all the time I see littles and Caregivers reminding and educating others that there is no pre-determined rules or a list to check off to decide if someone is a little, middle, or Caregiver. There are definitely people who buy into the stereotypes and unfortunately teach that to others, but there are plenty of others who will speak up and disagree and explain why those narrow views of each role are incorrect when applying to the community at large. I do think people need to be more careful when educating others to not let their personal preferences and biases bleed into their education.

 

As for the profiles thing... Honestly, lots of littles are the creative types and like decorating things and so I don't get the impression that they're just putting all the work in for the Doms. I do sincerely believe to a large extent they do it for themselves as a form of self-expression. Sure, a lot of littles wear their hearts on their sleeve, and that's not something I'd consider a personality flaw. One thing I actually enjoy is looking at other profiles and seeing what creative ways people have expressed themselves. These are the people I find most interesting because it shows they cared and put a lot of time into it.

 

Another thing about the profiles, I understand why people don't post pictures. Keep in mind that people have lives outside of this community and putting too much out there like who they are could be detrimental if the wrong person came across it on the internet. This forum is shown publically on search engines. It could jeopardize someone's job, relationships with family and friends, etc. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that someone is being creepy, I think that people are protecting themselves and most of the time will offer a photo in a private conversation.

 

The 24/7 part I agree with you, for sure. I do think people take it too literally and have the wrong idea of what it means to most people, though I am sure there are those who are happy to take it literally and live that constantly, but that is too extreme for the average person I think, and kind of unrealistic to constantly expect that of somebody.

Edited June 5, 2021 by Vampiress

[ALittleCurious]

I really really love this. ❤️ The version of the 24/7 relationship you described is something I would want.

[Dad1212]

A daddy can be a parental figure 24/7 which recognises that a little girl won't be in her little headspace all the time, but she will always have him to look over her and keep her safe and guide her as a grown up girl. That's how 24/7 makes sense to me.

[moondust mochi]

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about 24/7 that people have isn't the standard "Oh, so you live in a cage 24/7 and obey his every command? Wow." but instead this warped belief that you can't be a ... person if you're in a 24/7 dynamic. Just because I'm always wearing my collar when I'm home doesn't mean that I don't hold my Daddy after a bad day at work while He cries, or that when I'm at work or in a class, I'm the leader of whatever discussion topic we're on. It's a part of my life, and a very important part of my relationship, but it's still just that -- a part. It also doesn't mean that you need to be in "high protocol" mode the entire time -- some moments in life are naturally laid back, and so is my dynamic. There's this feeling of intensity around the idea of 24/7 and for someone who has been living it for over a year now, that couldn't be further from the truth. Intense moments, and intense scenes happen, but the majority of it is really mundane and domestic. 

To each their own. 

[BeKink]

On 8/4/2022 at 4:01 PM, moondust mochi said:

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about 24/7 that people have isn't the standard "Oh, so you live in a cage 24/7 and obey his every command? Wow." but instead this warped belief that you can't be a ... person if you're in a 24/7 dynamic. Just because I'm always wearing my collar when I'm home doesn't mean that I don't hold my Daddy after a bad day at work while He cries, or that when I'm at work or in a class, I'm the leader of whatever discussion topic we're on. It's a part of my life, and a very important part of my relationship, but it's still just that -- a part. It also doesn't mean that you need to be in "high protocol" mode the entire time -- some moments in life are naturally laid back, and so is my dynamic. There's this feeling of intensity around the idea of 24/7 and for someone who has been living it for over a year now, that couldn't be further from the truth. Intense moments, and intense scenes happen, but the majority of it is really mundane and domestic. 

To each their own. 

totally agree with you there but you need to see that 24/7 can be a wide field and not really a lot of people are even prepared for such a dynamic as it needs a lot of basics to work out. Total Power Exchange (TPE) or even 24/7 dynamics are challenging as you really need to make sure for both parties it is working out. Also submissives sometimes think that "oh, he will just tell me everything then" which can also lead to strange dynamics where the dominant is literally working his ass of in deciding everything on his own and then being also "lonely" in a way (done that, been there) because you feel that someone is just there to take your energy and isn't giving you this back as you say "just to have a good reation, taking in the arm etc" but just waiting that someone is telling literally everything. 

I guess many need to learn what it is before they engage in such activities. And they need to understand wha their desires are before giving them to someone else.