I cry over food. TW

[DaddysMonkey]

…… Hi. *waves*

 

So , I’ve had a mixture of disordered eating issues for a very long time , even back into childhood. Eating disorders I kind of compare to being a drug addict , you recover but there is always a chance you can relapse if you let bad people back in to influence you or if you aren’t determined enough to stay better. Sometimes life just sucks and gets in the way and you fall back into old habits.

 

The past couple months I’ve been extremely determined to stay on track , and eat instead of starving myself. Most people would think it’s easy being healthy considering I’m a vegan… but Takis are vegan (the purple ones) , Oreos are vegan , there’s vegan ice cream. Total misconception that vegans are always healthy. I keep bad items out of my house so they don’t tempt me and throw me into a binge. Something I struggle with my personality/ mindset is : I’m very do or die. I’m not good at finding middle grounds and eating “normal” meals. My brain tells me to either starve myself for days , or I binge and can out eat anyone I’ve ever met in one sitting.

 

There’s three things that really affect me *while* I’m eating , not before or after.

1- People looking or staring at me while I’m eating. I become irate and self conscious.

2- Comments about how much or how little I’m eating.

3- Food aggression, don’t touch my plate or my food.

 

Something that’s always been considered a “safe food” for me to eat , was sushi. Being vegan , all I really had for options were cucumber rolls , or very simple veggie rolls. Don’t get me wrong , I still like them but it’s just never been the same. I’ve been really sad that I didn’t have that safe food to trust anymore or as often and it’s made it difficult to be so strict and determined to force myself to eat correctly instead of starve or binge.

 

With all this in mind , GUESS WHAT MOTHER FUCKERS ?!

 

I found a restaurant with VEGAN sushi. The chef makes vegan tuna , vegan crab , there’s a literal page back and front , of all vegan sushi options. I was extremely curious and skeptical… but I was very shocked and pleasantly surprised.

 

I had mixed feelings while eating ; like I said…. I’m shameful about it but I can eat a LOT of food… a lot. I’ve out eaten big ass construction guys and all the boys I’ve ever worked with I can eat more than. So… because I was so excited… a lot of rolls were ordered.

 

Appetizer : Cucumber salad and vegan rangoons.

Rolls : a total of 7.

 

I had done a shit ton of gardening and yard work , starved all day and was ready to eat… the waitress said numerous times :

 

“Wow… that’s a lot of food are you sure you can eat all that ?”

“Holy moly you must be really hungry you finished about half already.”

“Want me to take any plates away for you?”

“Are you going to be ordering more ? I’m shocked you finished all this food !”

 

I got to the point where I was just like … can I just eat please ? She was really nice but I feel it’s so unnecessary to comment about how much people are eating , but I don’t blame her. I just gritted my teeth and ate all my food.

 

About the food though , this is where I cry. I have a fuckin passion for sushi. I’ve never been so happy with a sushi place in all my life , I tried every fish alternative they had in rolls and some of their fried veggie rolls. I was feeling the aggression bubble up in my heart as the waitress kept commenting on the amount I was eating… but the food was honestly so good I just couldn’t get that upset. I always tip really well when service is good , but this place literally blew my fucking mind. I was so happy that I could have my safe food again and experience such happiness with food instead of dread which is what I’ve been dealing with the past few months. After I paid for what I ate , I asked to speak to the chef.

 

I’m such a cry baby ham ball TnT The chef came out , and I said thank you for preparing vegan food especially sushi since it is so hard for me to find , that’s good quality anyways. I got choked up and started crying a little bit. (Not some boogery sloppy loud crying , just stoic tears running down my face.) I shook his hand , thanked him for the experience and told him I would be back this coming Friday and he told me he would gladly make me any roll I wanted into a vegan roll. I cried in the car on the way home , I ate a full meal …. More than what most people would eat and I didn’t feel shame and guilt in the car. It was so fucking nice to just eat like a normal person and just feel happy afterwards, which sounds stupid because I was crying but hey.. happy tears.

 

I guess this is just me saying , stay determined. Shit fuckin sucks sometimes , people suck and life can suck but if you really want something and put your mind to it…. And you really want to get better.. little things like this make the battle worth it.

 

The restaurant is called Kamakura , in Lacey in Washington state.

 

Sfw :

 

https://www.google.com/search?q=kamakura+sushi&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari#lkt=LocalPoiMenu&trex=m_t:lcl_akp,rc_f:nav,rc_ludocids:14157000901735096386,rc_q:kamakura%2520japanese%2520cuisine,ru_q:kamakura%2520japanese%2520cuisine,trex_id:xLnYge

Edited May 19, 2021 by DaddysMonkey

[Guest Hero_Yuri]

Sushi is awesome; I love it too. Man, I wanna eat sushi now too lol. Yay for all the smiles

[Guest AlisonS23]

I can relate to this. I used to be super heavy at one time. I was with a guy who always told me things like if only I was thin. Or subconsciously he’d say things like his preference for smaller women even though he knew I wasn’t a smaller girl then. And I clearly had a very big thing for him. Over the years it caused an unhealthy relationship with food and ultimately I lost a lot of weight. But even now I can relate to this. I would binge ect then starve myself as almost a punishment. Now I eat clean and healthy and am still at a smaller size but people are just mean and food can be a mental game almost. I don’t like eating in public even now because I think what are people thinking. My anxiety gets bad. I also love sushi and for a while ate vegan. Good job to you if you ever need to talk I’m here ❤️

[Vampiress]

That's great that you found a place that you could enjoy the food and feel good about it. I'm really sorry the waitress was really insensitive, it really isn't her business to be making comments like that. Sometimes people overshare their thoughts and don't even consider the implications of what they're saying. I'm just really happy you had such a nice meal that you're looking forward to going back. The chef sounds really nice!

[moondust mochi]

this made me so happy to read. 

i'm tearing up for you. 

[Guest Peachyyxoxo]

I’m sorry you are going through this, I have a really bad relationship with food too. It is something I still cry about often. I related to your post so much and also wish I could just eat like a normal person. What that server said to you was so insensitive and inappropriate, please don’t let her set you back. You are and will continue to do great and be great regardless of what you eat.

 

Hopefully by supporting each other we can all heal our relationships with food.

Edited May 31, 2021 by Peachyyxoxo