Appreciate yourself , big dummy.

[DaddysMonkey]

..... Hi. *waves*

 

I’ve been working really hard to take care of my mental health and well being this year. Most things are good and some things are still a struggle. One of the things I really struggle with is the language I choose to speak to myself with. We all talk to ourselves, even if it’s just a little bit. And we can all be our own worst critics / enemies. I have a sharp tongue and usually reserve it for people who truly deserve it , but for some reason my brain thinks I deserve it ? I’m really mean to myself with the language I use. A couple examples :

 

*makes a digital art piece and is proud*

Hmmmmm.

*sees my favorite anime digital artist post a video*

“........ THATS IT IM FUCKING GARBAGE AND WILL NEVER BE AS GOOD AS HIM.”

 

*works out super hard and rollerblades for three hours*

Hmmmm....

*looks at legs*

“Nope. Still too jiggly , I’m a cow.”

 

I really want to teach myself to stop having this language with myself. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve tried to stop doing , a lot of people tell me I’m always so caring and giving... I’ll silence anyone that wants to bully someone else. I’m often a protector.. when it comes to myself I’m such a fucking asshole. I bully myself all the time.

 

So , question is I suppose .... do you struggle with this ? Have you learned to stop ? Was it difficult ?

 

Maybe this can be a little spot where we all (Smalls and Caregivers alike) can stop being such dicks to ourselves , and write a couple things we like about ourselves periodically. I really don’t have friends to just be like “WOW LOOK AT MT ACCOMPLISHMENT” or “I’m proud of myself for ______”. Take something you’re down on yourself with and flip it on it’s head. I’ll go first.

 

 

 

As a kid , I used to draw a lot. Some traumatic shit happened and I stopped for a very long time.. rarely picking up pencils to doodle or draw. Now I’ve gotten back into it , and even invested in a new iPad and Apple Pencil , bought a specific app to digitally draw with. I’m always comparing myself to others though , and feel like my work isn’t good enough. I’ve gotta stop that shit so....

 

I’m proud that I pushed past my history and can even draw happily now. I’m also proud at how far I’ve come , and even though I might not see myself as good as other artists... there’s always someone better or worse than you.. right ? I’m proud that I can do fun pieces for a couple acquaintances I’ve met here and in real life , and could make them genuinely smile and be happy. If I can make someone smile , that should be good enough for me from now on. My art is for myself , and to make people happy.

 

If you’ve read enough of my earlier morning posts you should know I ramble , hopefully this made sense ? And we can appreciate each other and build each other up and stop being mean to ourselves. Hell , if you’re feeling down about something.... put it here and I’ll build you up. Building just isn’t for the boys 8) ILL FUCKING BUILD YOU UP SO GOOD YOUR BRAIN WILL POP.

 

Kbye.

[SoulEater]

I've seen your art! (SIGMA7IK) Your art is awesome!! So cool!!! Me im down I can't figure out how to up my viewers when I stream. I often feel I'm not good at holding an audience. Anyhoo keepnet the good work!!

[Guest Account deleted]

Hi DaddysMonkey!!   *waves back*  First, I just love your honesty! ♥ I KNOW you are fabulous at making other people feel great about themselves, you made me smile several times and we've only been interacting for what... 24 hours?? I am so happy you're back at drawing and yes, you can and you should be very proud about yourself, take the time to give yourself all the love and credit you deserve!

 

And then, oh yes... I do completely understand what you're saying, I have struggled with self-bullying for years. I don't want to give too many details about myself but for years, for many different reasons, the way I talked to myself (I should say, the way I was taught to talk to myself) was like that : "MEH, of course you messed up, stop pretending you're pretty/nice/intelligent/good enough etc. you fat, ugly, stupid idiot, you're pathetic!"... charming eh?

 

With time (A LOT of time) and with the help of my partner, I have learned to short circuit the negative self-talk. So much that the self-bullying is not a habit anymore... It's still there, but I have found something that helps. When the voice in my brain says something really mean to me, instead of fighting it, I always start by showing self acceptance and try to consciously talk back to it as if I was having a conversation with a child. A scared, hurt, anxious child that needs acceptance and love. And then I try to make diversion!! LOL  ... Sometimes it takes 10 minutes, sometimes one hour. Sometimes I still need the help of my partner... But on good days, the conversation in my head goes like this:

 

Me number 1 : You're SO ugly, omg!!! You're old and ugly, how can anyone be so ugly, you're so ugly no wonder why the entire worlds hates you!!

Me number 2 : That's wonderful. You have the right to feel/be/say what you need to feel/be/say. I'm so glad you feel free to express all those negative feelings.

Me number 1 : YEAH.

Me number 2 : And how do you feel now?

Me number 1 : Like sh** (+ grumpy grumbling)

Me number 2 : That's because you're too angry/sad/tired to see the REAL truth.

Me number 1 : mmh. what real truth..?

Me number 2 : Well. The REAL truth: you are such a beautiful human being in and out. You're nice. You're such a good friend. You're very intelligent. And brave.

Me number 1 : Yeah.

Me number 2 : Let's face it, you're just super adorable. If you ask (♥) guess what he will say. He will say you're adorable. He will say, I adore you, Princess.

Me number 1 : Yeah

Me number 2 : How about we color an octopus? 

Me number 1 : Yeah! And let's add tons of pink glitter!!!

 

LOL - ok, that's on GOOD days lol

 

But.. what I mean is, ramble if you need to, compare yourself to others if you need to, you have the right to do so, it's normal to do that, we all do it, allow yourself to do it. Don't fight it. Really ♥ Show self acceptance. If you have a negative thought about yourself, allow your brain to express and release it without trying to over analyze it. It's there for a reason. Let it go for a better reason. You're doing yourself a favor. And then, "build yourself up so good YOUR brain will pop", exactly like you would do with the rest of us.

 

Everyday you're getting better at what you love doing! I have only known you for a few hours and you already gave me at least 3 good reasons to think you're amazing

[Guest Hero_Yuri]

I personally never have, but as a daddy I have met many that do. Be it something mental or physical; I always try my very best to help out and learn of more ways to be able to help in any and all situations. Always super proud when they stop hurting themself or well no longer say such horrible things about themself and other negative bleh. Would be cool if instead of all the bad things, as you said, they replace it with hope and aspirations to do better.

[DaddysMonkey]

Hi DaddysMonkey!!   *waves back*  First, I just love your honesty! ♥ I KNOW you are fabulous at making other people feel great about themselves, you made me smile several times and we've only been interacting for what... 24 hours?? I am so happy you're back at drawing and yes, you can and you should be very proud about yourself, take the time to give yourself all the love and credit you deserve!

 

And then, oh yes... I do completely understand what you're saying, I have struggled with self-bullying for years. I don't want to give too many details about myself but for years, for many different reasons, the way I talked to myself (I should say, the way I was taught to talk to myself) was like that : "MEH, of course you messed up, stop pretending you're pretty/nice/intelligent/good enough etc. you fat, ugly, stupid idiot, you're pathetic!"... charming eh?

 

With time (A LOT of time) and with the help of my partner, I have learned to short circuit the negative self-talk. So much that the self-bullying is not a habit anymore... It's still there, but I have found something that helps. When the voice in my brain says something really mean to me, instead of fighting it, I always start by showing self acceptance and try to consciously talk back to it as if I was having a conversation with a child. A scared, hurt, anxious child that needs acceptance and love. And then I try to make diversion!! LOL  ... Sometimes it takes 10 minutes, sometimes one hour. Sometimes I still need the help of my partner... But on good days, the conversation in my head goes like this:

 

Me number 1 : You're SO ugly, omg!!! You're old and ugly, how can anyone be so ugly, you're so ugly no wonder why the entire worlds hates you!!

Me number 2 : That's wonderful. You have the right to feel/be/say what you need to feel/be/say. I'm so glad you feel free to express all those negative feelings.

Me number 1 : YEAH.

Me number 2 : And how do you feel now?

Me number 1 : Like sh** (+ grumpy grumbling)

Me number 2 : That's because you're too angry/sad/tired to see the REAL truth.

Me number 1 : mmh. what real truth..?

Me number 2 : Well. The REAL truth: you are such a beautiful human being in and out. You're nice. You're such a good friend. You're very intelligent. And brave.

Me number 1 : Yeah.

Me number 2 : Let's face it, you're just super adorable. If you ask (♥) guess what he will say. He will say you're adorable. He will say, I adore you, Princess.

Me number 1 : Yeah

Me number 2 : How about we color an octopus? 

Me number 1 : Yeah! And let's add tons of pink glitter!!!

 

LOL - ok, that's on GOOD days lol

 

But.. what I mean is, ramble if you need to, compare yourself to others if you need to, you have the right to do so, it's normal to do that, we all do it, allow yourself to do it. Don't fight it. Really ♥ Show self acceptance. If you have a negative thought about yourself, allow your brain to express and release it without trying to over analyze it. It's there for a reason. Let it go for a better reason. You're doing yourself a favor. And then, "build yourself up so good YOUR brain will pop", exactly like you would do with the rest of us.

 

Everyday you're getting better at what you love doing! I have only known you for a few hours and you already gave me at least 3 good reasons to think you're amazing

I truly and deeply appreciate this response , I actually took some time to reply and still don’t even know what to say. I cried a little bit .... thank you for being so kind. I’m going to start trying to implement having that inner discussion with myself instead of just letting it silence my logical voice.

 

Again , thank you so much.

[Lollipox]

I used to struggle with my own opinion of my art as a teen.

It’s difficult to accurately perceive your own skill when it comes to art because it’s one of those few skills or hobbies that people will happily lie about when giving feedback. I think because the lie is not something that will affect anybody else, and will make the person who’s drawing it feel better. Compared to something like cooking- people will say something if it’s burnt, tastes off etc. But you don’t face food poisoning for telllin’ someone their stick figures are amazing. Y’know? Lol

 

So I think it’s healthy to follow your own feelings about it. It’s just difficult if facing internal instability, because then it’s hard to judge whether being too harsh on oneself due to self esteem or being realistic.

People don’t realise that in the long run small fibs “to make them feel better” help birth the kinda people who go on Amercian Idol only to get blasted over their caterwauling, and they’re like “but my friends and family said I’m amazing!”

Watching situations like that as a kid got me supsicious of compliments.

False compliments end up causing harm, and the only person if affects is you/the artist.

But I still appreciate that they’re trying to be nice to me when they do it. Lol Because friends don’t like to see friends hurt. So it’s easy to accept the compliments even if they’re not aligned with my own opinions, and just appreciate them for being nice.

 

Tldr; beware the panderers. Trust your own feelings.

 

Good job working on your issues. Hopefully you’ll look back at the end of the year and be happy with the changes you’ve made.

[Novicestitcher]

I understand how you feel perfectly.  I call that Stikin Thinkin.  I am constantly putting myself down.  Comparing myself to other people and even using my faith to hurt me instead of lifting me up.  When I realized that I was using my "Christianity" to judge myself and put myself down it was the last straw for me.  I already knew my thinking was not right but to realize that you are using your faith was a shocking wake up call.  I decided then and there to give myself a "break".  to no longer condem myself but to learn who I really am.  Good for you on working to switch your talk.

[Guest Teasing Tink]

Yep, makes perfect sense. Ramble away. I like your rambles. I'm so long-winded myself, I wound up deleting a whole paragraph here or it would have been TL;DR. And lol, it still kind of is.

 

I guess for me, I don't feel like I have to be *the* best at the things I'm interested in, I just want to be *my* best or competent, in some cases only "good enough" (to not appear foolish) if it's not something I care about mastering. What is "the best" anyway? Beyond technical skills which can always be improved upon, a lot of it is subjective/based on personal preferences which as we all know, can vary so drastically from one person to the next. I see us all as being unique expressions of the divine so I don't believe me or anyone else is *supposed* to be someone else. It's why I don't usually get caught up in envying someone else's work. Sure, I admire it, I appreciate it, get inspired by it, but I'm aware that no one else can be me and offer the same unique perspective/style/voice (though yeah, there will be similar, but not quite me! I'm the Real Slim Shady lol) that I can. I find that empowering. I guess it also helps that I genuinely like myself most of the time (though I have my moments). I believe what we all have is needed in some capacity or we wouldn't be here. My job is just getting in tune with my own soul essence and falling in love with it. It's fun to do. So my stuff will resonate with some people and may not with others (hell, even if it only resonates with me, I'm still brightened by it), it doesn't really matter if it's a lot of people or a small number, because it's not a popularity contest. Some of the most talented people in the world will never be recognized for their talent which in no way diminishes their value. I also find it interesting how so many talented artists have Imposter Syndrome which sounds like my idea of my own personal hell. To not even be able to enjoy the fruits of your labor/passion! My heart goes out to people who feel that way. But oof, I digress! 

 

Some days I'm my biggest fan but there are definitely times where I let myself have a good ol' pity party over my insecurities. My insecurities mostly revolve around appearing competent/ stupid/making mistakes in front of others or feeling embarrassed at times for not fitting into society's mold even though I'm simultaneously proud of the fact that I don't because I don't agree with most of it. It can just feel lonely when you go against the status-quo. This is probably because I have an intense fear of public humiliation which is probably where the fear of appearing stupid/making mistakes comes from. I don't fear that with people I feel safe with. I guess it's a combination of a pride issue and the tendency to take things to heart at times as well as a fear of rejection/it being used against me. 

 

If I'm being down on myself, I usually just take the time to examine/dissect it and once I've marinated on it and identified the root cause, I naturally just give myself pep talks about where my value truly lies and not to let society or this person or that person dictate how I feel about myself, which usually is stemming from their own personal fears which have nothing to do with me anyway. In other words, I don't have to take it so damn personally. It's liberating to realize that. I can toss it in the trash and take my power back while making a plan on how to feel better about whatever insecurity it is I have. Reminding myself it's okay to be human, to make mistakes (it's how we learn/grow) and it happens to the best of us anyway. Being gentle with myself, having self-compassion like I would with a friend. And yeah, it's a process. Fostering more love for  myself usually helps me be more compassionate towards others as well, so it has a double benefit.

 

[DaddysMonkey]

Yep, makes perfect sense. Ramble away. I like your rambles. I'm so long-winded myself, I wound up deleting a whole paragraph here or it would have been TL;DR. And lol, it still kind of is.

 

Some of the most talented people in the world will never be recognized for their talent which in no way diminishes their value. I also find it interesting how so many talented artists have Imposter Syndrome which sounds like my idea of my own personal hell. To not even be able to enjoy the fruits of your labor/passion! My heart goes out to people who feel that way. But oof, I digress!

Thank you very much for liking my rambling T-T I constantly feel like an annoying booger people are trying to pick and flick away. Seeing responses to my posts when I feel my most annoying makes me feel much more accepted and much less like a booger. Especially when people like yourself are so kind to me.

 

I’ve been told I have imposter syndrome , but I’m not sure if that’s even the case. I’ve just always been like this in every aspect of my life. Art was one example , but it’s just inherit with all that I do and experience.

 

 

Something I’m always hard on myself about , is being a good friend or enough for other people to want to be my friend. I always tell myself that people abandon me like everyone does cause I must really suck that bad. Even if someone did something to really hurt me and my hard as rock feelers .... I always find a way to make it my fault. Oh maybe they lied cause I’m a giant piece of shit and deserve it. Oh , my friend forgot my birthday and I’m upset.... but it’s not a big deal. I’m not important so why would my birthday be ?

 

Flipping it on its head , and being proud ... building myself up....

 

I DESERVE FRIENDS EVEN IF I DONT ALLOW MYSELF TOO.

I’m protective , caring , will fight to the death for ones I love , I’m funny as fuck (in my humble opinion) and will do everything I can to brighten a friends day if they’re having a shit time. I remember important things about them , and compliment them genuinely and am always honest with my feelings. I’m a good friend to have , and anyone who takes that for granted or tries to make me feel less than that including myself.... can lick a salt rock.

 

Rambling again... but practicing some self love and building up before I try to even attempt it in my real life voice. T-T Yay for effort !

[DaddysMonkey]

I've seen your art! (SIGMA7IK) Your art is awesome!! So cool!!! Me im down I can't figure out how to up my viewers when I stream. I often feel I'm not good at holding an audience. Anyhoo keepnet the good work!!

Bro ! Holding an audience IS SO DIFFICULT ! I totally understand that frustration. There’s a huge pool of streamers out there in the big old inter webs. The fact that you even stream is so cool ! I would t have the balls to do that I don’t think , is it gaming streams you’re doing ? I bet you’re doing great 8) Is there possibly other games that are more popular that would bring a wider audience ? I know with Corpse Husband being so large , there’s this “aesthetic” people try to copy. As long as you’re being your dope ass self , I think it will grow ! Even if it’s slowly. Sometimes the best things take the longest to grow !

[Guest Teasing Tink]

Thank you very much for liking my rambling T-T I constantly feel like an annoying booger people are trying to pick and flick away. Seeing responses to my posts when I feel my most annoying makes me feel much more accepted and much less like a booger. Especially when people like yourself are so kind to me.

 

I’ve been told I have imposter syndrome , but I’m not sure if that’s even the case. I’ve just always been like this in every aspect of my life. Art was one example , but it’s just inherit with all that I do and experience.

 

 

Something I’m always hard on myself about , is being a good friend or enough for other people to want to be my friend. I always tell myself that people abandon me like everyone does cause I must really suck that bad. Even if someone did something to really hurt me and my hard as rock feelers .... I always find a way to make it my fault. Oh maybe they lied cause I’m a giant piece of shit and deserve it. Oh , my friend forgot my birthday and I’m upset.... but it’s not a big deal. I’m not important so why would my birthday be ?

 

Flipping it on its head , and being proud ... building myself up....

 

I DESERVE FRIENDS EVEN IF I DONT ALLOW MYSELF TOO.

I’m protective , caring , will fight to the death for ones I love , I’m funny as fuck (in my humble opinion) and will do everything I can to brighten a friends day if they’re having a shit time. I remember important things about them , and compliment them genuinely and am always honest with my feelings. I’m a good friend to have , and anyone who takes that for granted or tries to make me feel less than that including myself.... can lick a salt rock.

 

Rambling again... but practicing some self love and building up before I try to even attempt it in my real life voice. T-T Yay for effort !

 

No, you're not annoying at all but I can relate -- I often feel like people will find me annoying as well. In reality, I think most people are usually more focused on what everyone thinks of *them* though! lol We all need reassurance and kindness  and to feel a sense of belonging -- it's a human need. I'm no different.

 

It sounds like you're developing good coping mechanisms to handle it though (Imposter Syndrome).

 

You're right -- you definitely deserve friends. I would add *real* friends, not fake ones. I think most of us experience being abandoned or losing friends or "friends" at some point in our lives too, so you're not alone in that. It's not because there's something wrong with *you.* I mean sure, there's always something we can improve upon or do better in our relationships with others but I feel like a good friend will be understanding of your own weaknesses/limitations and won't define you by your mistakes or hold you up to some unreasonable/impossible standard, they just enjoy your presence. In other cases, you may just not be compatible with the person anyway which there's also nothing wrong with.

 

It sounds like you're already great friend material to me so I'm glad you've been building yourself up in that way. I think it's easier to attract the kind of people you want in your life when you start developing a loving relationship with yourself like this too because then you won't settle for anything less than how well you treat yourself. And yes, it's not your fault if someone hurts you. You're allowed to feel what you feel. Your feelings are just as valid as anyone else's. If something is important to you (such as your birthday -- which really, is the most basic thing I think most friends should remember), a good friend will care about it and if they accidentally forgot it, they'll want to make it up to you.

 

I feel like sometimes we try to find fault with ourselves so we can feel more in control because if something like being abandoned is within our control then it would mean we can prevent it from happening to us. But I say liars and people who don't really invest in you at least as much as you invest in them, weren't your friends in the first place or at least can't be in their current stage of development, so they probably did you a favor by dropping you so you have room for better matches. It's not some reflection of your worth as a friend or a human being. And it's not wrong to have your own needs and to want those needs to be met either. We all have them. Anyway, I'm sure you're aware of all that, just throwing my thoughts into the mix and rooting for you!  

[Guest Account deleted]

I truly and deeply appreciate this response , I actually took some time to reply and still don’t even know what to say. I cried a little bit .... thank you for being so kind. I’m going to start trying to implement having that inner discussion with myself instead of just letting it silence my logical voice.

 

Again , thank you so much.

 

This makes me smile SO much!! ♥ Thank you! Sending the best warm tight hugs from France!!

[Guest Account deleted]

I understand how you feel perfectly.  I call that Stikin Thinkin.  I am constantly putting myself down.  Comparing myself to other people and even using my faith to hurt me instead of lifting me up.  When I realized that I was using my "Christianity" to judge myself and put myself down it was the last straw for me.  I already knew my thinking was not right but to realize that you are using your faith was a shocking wake up call.  I decided then and there to give myself a "break".  to no longer condem myself but to learn who I really am.  Good for you on working to switch your talk.

 

Hey I can totally relate to this! Sending love your way!! ♥

[Guest Deleteduser]

. Edited April 23, 2021 by Bambi ୨୧