People are hard.

[DaddysMonkey]

..... Hi again. *waves*

 

 

My goal this year has been to focus on my happiness and health. It’s going semi okay. I’ve always known humans are difficult , but focusing on myself instead of others constantly has made them even more difficult. You would most likely think the opposite would be true , but no.

 

Before , I was constantly people’s sounding boards. Had a bad day ? Vent to me. Hate your boyfriend or boss ? I’ll listen and give advice. Have a friend that’s making you feel down ? Again , I’ll listen and give advice. Give give give listen listen listen.

 

Well.... now that I’ve stopped over exerting my emotional and physical resources to help people.... it’s real fuckin quiet over here. I like quiet , but sometimes it’s tooooo quiet. Ya know ? I’m fine with solitude and all , and I’m over the whole “let’s be friends tell me everything about yourself” forced making friends feeling. In real life , I have Tanner. Online , I have very nice acquaintances. I don’t feel the need for friends , but part of my heart is yearning to have someone care about me like I care about others. Tanners great and all , I love him to death .... but he’s like talking to a brick wall sometimes <3 And he’s not the type of dude to hit me up and be like “are you okay today?” He just offers me food at work to test my emotional stability n-n

 

This is where my heartache comes in , and maybe someone can give me advice because I’m a hard headed asshole. If a stove burns me , I’m not gunna put my hand back on it. That’s how I treat everything in life.

 

I don’t trust people. This makes being a true friend on my end difficult. Because of what’s happened to me in the past , I’m constantly feeling like people are just collecting information on me to talk about behind my back with others or have whack intentions from the get go. So while I listen very well and give good advice (in my humble opinion) people who try to be my friend often feel like I’m just a silhouette of a human. Sure , I have character traits , humor , tell stories about my life , but nobody can ever get to know the *true* me because I keep myself so guarded. It’s seen as “strong” , so I’m often left alone because “I can handle it alone.” I see it as a weak character trait in myself , but I accept it because it keeps me from getting hurt too badly.

 

As tough as I like to seem , it genuinely hurts when I’m constantly looking out for myself and everyone else.. and I am forgotten. The best way to describe it is I’m leading everyone through a dark cave , and everyone has a flashlight and walking partner but me , and everyone is screaming “HURRY UP LEADER WERE FOLLOWING DONT FAIL US OR YOU SUCK FOREVER YOU DONT NEED A FLASHLIGHT YOU SEE EVERYTHING HURRY UP.”

Someone offers a flashlight , but the batteries are dead. And they have a new walking partner.

 

How do you get past hurt , heartache , feelings of betrayal? How do people fucking make friends dude ? Like I said , it’s not like I *need* or want them.... but I am honestly envious of people who can just be .... friends with people. Even though they’ve been extremely hurt ?

 

It always makes me feel like an asshole , because I’ll very much want to get to know someone and be friendly ... they’ll be very open with me and I can’t seem to open up. I’ll entertain , but it’s surface level. People obviously want to be my friend , so why can’t I just let them ? I’m a dickhole :/ that’s how I feel anyways.

 

I don’t know man , coffee rambles. Monkey brain. Achey heart. It’s a morning.

Edited March 31, 2021 by DaddysMonkey

[Satan]

So this hits me in the feels. When you are strong, independent and always the one to lend an ear to people, people often forget that you also have feelings and sometimes not so great feelings.

 

For me I have had bad days and I keep it to myself. People then keep dumping their issues onto me and then I start to feel like I'm drowning cuz I am having a hard enough time keeping my head above water.

 

I've had to learn to set boundaries and tell people hey I'm having a rough time please give me space. If they dont respect that maybe time to cut them off or keep them at arms length away. It's not your job to always save people. Especially when you need to work on yourself.

 

I am pretty good at reading people. I can tell pretty early on if someone is gonna be a person I talk to occasionally or if this is going to be a person I talk to on The daily. I have made some truely wonderful online friends. Those friends respect when I need my quit time and even offer for me to vent to them. friendship is a two way street. If you find yourself giving and giving you'll burn yourself out on those people. Just gotta find the people that want to listen and help you as much as you wanna help them.

 

As for having a wall up I get it people online can be real cunty. You can get to know someone with out revealing your deepest darkest secrets to them until they prove in themself worthy of keeping those secrets.

[Spooky]

I feel this one. Roughly 3 years ago I was hysterically crying to my therapist that I have no friends. I had acquaintances, but not one single friend who would be there for me, like I feel I am for everyone in my life. I would say that now I have 2 really good people in my life, it's not a lot but I would take these quality humans over a dozen acquaintances. 

 

For me, opening up is really hard. I never want to make people uncomfortable with how terrible or how great my life is. So I dull the hell outta my shine to make others happy. I just realized that I wasn't being authentic - and duh - how can people appreciate my bomb personality if they don't really get to see it. 

 

It is definitely a time thing. You have to give people time to see their authentic actions, and reactions. You will find some awesome monkey friends, just gotta let them show you how awesome they are, and you have to show them how awesome you are. 

[(not) Narancia]

Not sure how much actual value i can add to this conversation, but man i really do relate to this. I have come across quite a few people who have been in roughly the same boat as yourself, including me. It's such a tried and true coping mechanism to just focus all your mental energy outward as much as you can, in order to keep yourself from doing any meaningful selfreflection. (Im using "you" in broad terms, not anyone specifically)  

 

Anyway, It's hard as fuck to open up. We've always been our own worst critic and it really shows when you're left on your lonesome. Opening up is going to be a gradual process, but when you do let someone in, even a tiny bit, take some credit. hell, you can always tell them that it's quite hard to talk about whatever youre talking about. Most decent people will acknowledge the problems we face. 

 

Lastly back to you specifically @Daddysmonkey:  I know we have only interacted for like 2 1/2 seconds but you sound like an actual fun and interesting person to be around. We could all use some reassurance on the fact that we're actually pretty dope people and we're worth time and acknowledgement. I remember in another post you briefly mentioned about how you've been flooding the forum with post, but i just wanted to say that you've helped me reflect on some things i may or may not have been wanting to acknowledge or think about. I always appreciate the food for thought and new perspectives. Cheers!

[Guest Teasing Tink]

You're not an asshole. Your feelings are valid and healing can take time. 

 

Being guarded can be a double-edged sword, right? Because on the one hand, you protect yourself from pain but at the same time, you also wind up causing yourself pain by cutting off any opportunity/potential for connections to become more fulfilling/deeper which can lead to feelings of loneliness. There's always a bit of a gamble involved when it comes to trusting someone, but in my opinion, there's a difference between a blind gamble and a calculated one. So what do you do? The positive side to having been hurt in the past is now I assume you've become better at reading people and knowing what red flags to look out for. I know paranoia can be a real thing too though -- like, suspecting everyone even if they have pure intentions. But in my opinion, someone who values you and has pure intentions, will be patient and stick this out with you if you're really struggling/trying your best. Trust is something that can take time to earn, after all. It's not something you should just give someone right away. A healthy person will understand this.

 

So, maybe just start with sharing something small (but more vulnerable/intimate) about yourself with a person of your choice. Feel them out. If they give you the type of response you were looking for, then maybe go a little bit deeper and so on and so forth. That way, it's a more gradual opening up and doesn't have to be some overwhelming experience for you. I think it's better to do it that way. My strategy is usually to be too self-revealing/controversial from the start as a way to test people's reactions and whoever is left standing was good friend material/compatible with me. Cuz if things faded out, I could just tell myself they're not emotionally available or weren't compatible with me. Usually it's not personal anyway. It weeds people out. I don't recommend this strategy though because it winds up making me feel pretty vulnerable by the end of it (if it didn't go any where) even if I didn't get that attached to the person. I think that strategy worked better for me when it came to dating. I think it's best to sort of mirror/match the other person on vulnerability if you're going to do it, so it's more equal. You're both investing about the same emotionally.

 

I've been in more one-sided friendships when I was a teenager because I also like helping people and enjoy that role. And usually if a friendship starts off that way, it kind of sets a precedent for how the dynamic will be from there. I'd often put the focus on them so things quickly became imbalanced. Less like a friendship, more like a counselor/patient dynamic. And it surprised me how lot of people seem to be content with this kind of dynamic too until they wake up and realize "hmm I don't know anything about you." Like yeah, because you never ask me any questions about myself lol. So I guess that's one way to gauge a person's interest levels (if they ask you questions about yourself). I do realize some people are just more self-absorbed/socially awkward and don't think to do this. Maybe some people get afraid to pry as well and they see it as simply respecting your space/boundaries, so wait for you to be the one to initiate opening up. In some cases, it's just a compatibility issue. You can probably guess how much of yourself a person can handle just based on their personality. So that's a judgment call. 

 

As for how to get over hurt, heartache and feelings of betrayal from the past, I guess it's different for everyone and pain is an inevitable part of Life but, everyone heals at different paces. For me, I find that looking for the meaning or the lesson in the painful experience helps me to accept it and heal. I kind of look at it like something I needed to experience in order to grow. I see every experience as being valuable though -- even if it was painful. If we only experienced happiness in life, we probably wouldn't learn or grow nearly as much. Though I realize painful experiences can also cause a person to get stuck as well. I think they just have the potential for a lot of growth if you do wind up overcoming these things. Sometimes maybe the lesson is forgiveness, other times, maybe it's something different. Usually, a big part of healing is forgiveness (often of the self too). Finding the lesson integrates the experience as wisdom. And your wisdom becomes your gift to the world, in a way. Acceptance of the experience can release it. Like okay, this happened, but I'm still here and I've become wiser for it. I learned a lot and I'll take the lessons I learned from it into my future experiences and try my best not to get weighted down by the rest. It's a process, but we're all stronger than we think. I think most of us have trust issues and have been burned before too or have hurt others, so we can all understand what that's like to feel that way. It's apart of the human experience so if it's any consolation, you're not alone.

Edited March 31, 2021 by Teasing Tink

[littlekami]

This post really speaks to me too. Everything about it. 

I'm not able to provide any advice really though from my experiences, sometimes someone I click with just appears, and it feels a lot like I won the lottery. 

At the very least, this taught me that it's okay to let go of the people I'm just not clicking with. Forcing it feels way worse, because it's like even though I'm trying it's still not working. 

The contrast between the two types of interactions is incredible, one of them doesn't require me to unnaturally try super hard, and the other requires me to try so hard that I take it personally and feel bad when it doesn't work out. 

 

People ARE hard. I'm grateful for this forum and all the kind people in it making the universe feel less hostile. 

[ThatOneGuyTho]

Oof, dis topic hits right in the feels... I have no answers... All I can say is, I spent my entire life hiding from the world, interacting with people ect.. I have really bad anxiety, I've never been to a doctor about it, I wasn't even aware it was a thing.. I have always been one of those people that has very few connections, but the connections I do have, I do all I can for them... I can read people very well, so I always generally know when someones not okay.. and I'm always trying to help.. Always figured I have a pretty effed up life, gotta put it to some use? Maybe share some wisdom idk...

 

I've come to realize that, that's really all I am to people.. I won't even speak to some people, and they'll have some issue and all the sudden they're blowin up my dm's... I just don't seem to have value, I only ever had two IRL friends, they both moved away and did not maintain contact. I now live a life with no friends, I have no contact with extended family, my father never reaches out.. My mother is a very toxic thing in my lfie.. I have never felt any kind of love from her, this is probably because my brother died from S.I.D.S. so perhaps she walled her feelings off, I don't know.. What I do know, is, I've never felt good enough, or deserving of any kind of attention.

 

I've always walled myself off from people, I'm now 33, my first relationship ended 8 months ago.. Literally like dead inside all the time.. I think I always thought that somehow I was protecting myself all this time.. Not letting anyone get close.. But I was never happy, just safe? Dunno, that was a pretty effed up way to live.. No friends, no contact, no nuffin.. I got myself into that cage, it was all my choice. But you loose either way honestly? Take the risk, don't take the risk.. I wish I would've taken more risks, keeping everyone at a distance, being safe.. It's just so very lonely in the end..

 

I'm struggling with the same question really.. I can't seem to invest into anything anymore.. I've been on dating apps, thankfully I'm effin uggie, so I don't really get much attention at all.. But even when I do, I'm just like.. How the hell... can I trust myself enough to know whether I can trust this person? I never would have thought my ex would do what she's done to me... Not in a million years... I thought I knew that person, I thought that was my soul mate.. And I was just so very wrong...

 

I think honestly, I've always had this idea, that.. people would reject me, but if I never let them know me... It wouldn't hurt? It's not like they're rejecting the real me... Just who they think I am, because I don't give them anything to go on... People scare me man.. I've tried to make friends and stuff... but I guess i'm just really boring.. It's not surprising really? I've lived a very sheltered life.. again of my own doing.. I'm not in sync with people my age, had my first relationship at 31, first kiss.. whole nine.. Haven't had a friend since I was like 18... I had this weird thing when I was 16.. like I just knew I was going to die alone... I guess I made that happen idk.. 

 

Idk if any value can be taken from my post.. But try to give people a chance, you may not feel like you need them now.. But at some point, you may find you can't have them.. When my ex left me.. I remember shutting down, feel like I was just falling endlessly down this pit... I had no one to call...text.. nothing... I just stared at my blank notification screen on my phone... as if I was waiting for god to message me or something... I have always written people off very quickly... But we all fuck up, and none of us are perfect. All you can do is be true to your own heart, bad shits gonna happen no matter what... Don't let the fear of the bad shit, ruin the good shit... sometimes we forget that's out there too.

[littlekami]

@ThatOneGuyTho 

I felt this so hard too. I hate that feeling so much, of sitting there staring while the aloneness is sinking in... feeling like there's no one to text, call, or anything. It might be one of my biggest fears, and something I don't think that I'd wish on anyone. It's so cruel. In those moments, when I'm feeling so scared and alone, the world so huge. 
 

I think you're right about it being a risk either way, from putting yourself out there vs being safer alone - and in the end I'd rather not be alone, if they're both risks. Lots of times it's easier to just shut yourself off, I do it too. My ex-Daddy was very anti-social as well, and while I'm just speculating over someone I know well, I think that he was rejected lots too and his response was also to shut himself off, while also believing he was smarter/better than most people. Watching the end result of that mind-set and realizing the outcomes of loneliness really made me want to try harder at socializing with people and learning how to do so in a way that works for me, and is (hopefully) interesting enough to others. 

 

 

On another note: 

It seems like there are so many barriers to solid friendship - what brings people together anyway?

common interests and hobbies?

common opinions?

 

What keeps people together in the long run?

commonly shared (maybe traumatic) experiences? like when you go through something rough with someone and you can't not be closer after. 

and sex and children probably 

 

That might not be a positive outlook on it. Please for the love of cookies let me find out the list is longer. 

[Vampiress]

I relate to this a lot and struggle to make lasting friendships, but I think the best way for me to make better friendships is to find someone who is a little more like myself. If they are someone who often feels like they're listening and not heard, and I am often listening and not heard... then I feel like we are both going to be the types who want to listen to each other but finally found someone who knows how to listen the same way I listen.

 

There is a bit of responsibility one has to take here. Because one gets so used to listening and not being open, I think we do miss opportunities by just not bothering to be open and talk with people, and there may have been people who would've been willing to be there for us if we had tried to be open and share things with them to begin with. I know I have to put a lot of effort in not hiding behind my walls and sharing more about myself even if I'm more prone to just wanting to listen and not share to avoid being hurt.

 

I think it is very easy to weed out the people who really don't care to listen. You can easily tell the difference even based on light conversation. If they say "Hey, how are you?" when they greet you, and if you give them an honest answer... that's one quick way to gauge if someone really genuinely cares when they asked how you are, or if they just brush it off or shut down and ignore it. The people who give you more interested responses are going to be the ones you want to put more effort towards and give them a chance. The others can still be nice acquaintances, but if you want deep friendships then follow the cues and push yourself out of your comfort zone.

[Bubbles_and_Feathers]

Tbh I'm not sure what advice to give about how to make friends. Actually, this whole post might be unhelpful- sorry if that's the case. But I've recently learned that, when you do the scary thing of really, truly opening up to someone, it's *such* a huge relief. It makes a world of difference in your life, even if you feel right now that you don't need friends.