Let’s talk about communication!

[Kitten&Spice]

Being in a DDlg community I am sure everyone will agree that communication is one of the vital elements for a healthy relationship! And it is extremely important and necessary for those who are in long distance and can not enjoy the physical company of their partner often. However the lack of communication within the community seems to be ever present! Of course people have reasons for not communicating and understanding that life happens is important. However you can not place expectations on your partner to understand every time you refuse to respond to a text message or decide to leave them on read for days.

 

So let’s raise the discussion on how we can better our communication skills! Give some examples! What are some of your ways you enjoy communicating? What are some pet peeves? Do you have any anxieties towards communicating certain things and what are they? And lastly what is some things you wish people knew more about communication?

[Guest BubblesLovesDisney]

In the past I have really struggled with anxiety when I need to let someone down. Whether that be that I need to limit the time I can dedicate to communicating with them, let them know I can't help with something or anything else really that I thought would involve a negative reaction.

 

It's taken a long time but the best thing I can recommend is taking a just do it approach. People would rather know the truth, even if it upsets them than be left on the hook or lied to. The same goes with ghosting. It's so much better to just tell someone you're not interested than it is to ghost completely. Best of all you eventually start to feel less guilt doing it as you realise it's better for everyone involved

 

So my best advice when it comes to communicating anything negative is to just do it. [i understand that this can't always be the case in events of unhealthy or abusive relationships so please put yourself first before taking this advice.]

[Kitten&Spice]

I know I could have added this but like to keep a bunch of suggestions in replies!

 

One thing I have always grown tired of and find so boring and frustrating is the short few word sentences. I am sure a lot of you have faced this before but I can’t stand when a person does not keep a conversation going and leaves responses like “yea”. “Ok cool” or reply to a question with a very simple question. It is like fishing for a reply at that point.

 

A good example I can give is when I would talk to this person and the only thing they would say is hi. When I would ask how their day was they would say good with nothing to follow through. It was painful trying to get any more out of them. If I asked their interest they would say something like music. And then I would have to ask a bunch of questions just to keep the conversation going. Eventually I got tired of it and just gave up.

 

It could be a me thing but I would love to be able to receive the same energy back from a person. I don’t expect it everytime but at least when they aren’t busy they can respond more. I don’t know a single person that is so busy and consumed by life they are unable to talk and in the same breath want to have a dom/little.

 

If you can’t spend at least a day giving some good replies then do you really have the time at all!

Edited March 20, 2021 by KittenAdrian

[TigertheTeddyBear]

I cant agree more with not receiving the same energy back. It can really damper the whole mood of the conversation. 

 

I though have anxiety regarding saying too much. I get nervous and think if I say too much I'll completely ruin the conservation. I've gotten better with this though, but when I don't receive the same quality replies back it makes it harder to keep talking. 

 

One thing though I've found that helps when anxiety hits or life gets too busy and you can't talk is just sending a summary of the things you wanted to share or talk about that day but couldn't. It doesn't have to be detailed and it can be short, it just tells the other person you were thinking about them even when you couldn't talk.

 

I do though wish more people knew its okay to be straightforward. If your too busy then say that, and you don't have to give a explanation. At times being straightforward saves time and further miscommunication down the line. You also build a bit of a stronger bond because you get to be more open with each other. 

[daddymind]

I just like honesty served cold. If something about me pisses you off, or if you want something I'm not giving you, tell me straight. Get under my skin. Just say things how you see it. I'd rather just know the truth than have it diluted with comforting gestures. And in turn I like to be able to be as honest without worrying about hurt feelings.

 

So communication for me revolves around, let's cut the shit and just be honest. I believe a lot of hurtful personal attacks burst out of pent up resentment or feeling like you're walking on eggshells. So if you can allow and acknowledge feelings and thoughts to be communicated naturally, as they arise, then you can avoid the amplification of those feelings and thoughts over time.

 

There are, of course, some things that are more difficult to say than others. I'm an enneagram 9, which is dubbed the "peacemaker". So I find it difficult to say some things that I know might upset the equilibrium. But my favourite solution to these particular situations is to ask incisive questions rather than make accusatory statements. I just want to know that you acknowledge and think about what I say. And in turn I'll do my best to do the same.

[SmolAetherr]

i don't know i guess i've kinda given up on people like that.. i have had my fair share of women who just leave for days or even weeks at a time and considering the amount of ghosting its hard to tell who is ghosting and who is just not feeling like letting me know they are still alive

 

i take that as a red flag these days, if a person cares or wants me to wait for them then i expect them to tell me when they need to leave for more than a few days

 

life is too short to literally be simping for people who may or may never reply to you, thats just my opinion though

Edited March 21, 2021 by Aetherr

[Vampiress]

I think the best method of communication to be direct and honest. If you have an issue, talk about it. I'm someone who hates confrontation and I can be really shy about bringing up issues, but they still need to be brought up... and this is true with any person in your life. However, I do understand that some individuals in a person's life will have made this impossible, usually do to really negative reactions or abuse. However, whenever possible and in order to create a healthy and open relationship, the communication must be there even when it's uncomfortable.

 

Talking in person or even at least over the phone or voice chat are the best ways to communicate. Tone can be lost or misconstrued in purely text or letter, so if you really want to convey your meaning properly it has to be done where the other person can hear your voice.

 

The thing that gives me the most anxiety with communication is being open about my feelings, especially if I'm feeling hurt or upset. I almost always expect a negative reaction, and I don't like making people feel bad even if they've hurt me.

 

Really I just wish more people would realize that usually being direct is the best way to go. Suppressing things never solves anything, it just makes things pile up and get worst. If someone wants a healthy relationship with you (friends, family, lover) then they'll respect your right to speak your mind and talk about your feelings even if it makes them uncomfortable. You also need to be receptive to hearing what they have to say and try to speak to each other in a civil and understanding manner, and doing your best to clear up any assumptions or misunderstandings. People aren't mind readers so they can't always tell when something is wrong or what it is.

 

Pet peeves in conversations:

1.) A person is a lazy communicator. They ask very vague questions and expect me to carry the entire conversation. "Tell me more about you" and stuff like that is very lazy. If you want to get to know someone put more effort into asking specific questions, maybe about things that interest you as well. Or constantly asking "what do you want to talk about." That really gets under my skin, especially if they initiated the conversation but seem to have nothing to say.

 

2.) Having to constantly repeat myself because the person isn't listening. This is self-explanatory.

 

3.) Someone constantly playing devil's advocate just to argue with me even though they agree with me.

 

4.) People who give me a lot of crap for being introverted and shy and hassling me because I'm not giving them constant attention, this usually happens with people I barely know. They try to guilt me into giving them undivided attention all day long and get mad if I'm quiet for even a few minutes. These acquaintances don't last very long with me.

[MysticSand]

This is a great thread, thanks for starting!

 

I'm glad to see others also get the same vibes regarding "lazy communicators" as Vampiress calls them. I think most of us here who responded tend to be more thoughtful people and can be wordy when we want to be, introvertedness aside. So I'm wondering what the other side's view is on this. Can we get some insight from folks who tend to give very short or brief answers as the norm? (And maybe try not to be short/brief in your response!  )

 

My personal reaction when I encounter such short breathed folks is to give the same or flat energy back. I've formed my own personal rule to not respond if I'm only give one word responses. It's energy sucking to have to pull teeth for a conversation with such people. The most mind boggling thing is when they message first with a one worded "hi." Oof. 

 

Okay on to something that's been a bit of a personal revelation recently: I sometimes can't tell when I need to communicate.

Blah blah blah we all know that communication is important and that we need to do it. However, I find myself closing that channel off sometimes when I'm angry or upset.

If I'm cognizant of it, I'll let the other person know I need some time and will get back to them. If I'm not, I'll try to change the conversation and it takes literally up front asking me "can we talk about it?" for me to mentally snap out of my mood vortex and comprehend that I'm doing some toxic avoidance tactics. I appreciate when asked that simple question, a lot. It makes me think and reflect in the moment and to recognize, oh hey yeah this is a possibly triggering thing for me and my emotions aren't regulated and heck there is something to be talked about here.

 

Pet peeves:

- When people always respond with the negative aspect of things, even if you just said a really great positive thing.

Ex: I've saved for a long time and I'm thinking of buying a condo. --> Why would you do that? It's so expensive and there's a monthly fee that's outrageous and you don't get the same ROI as you would a house.

 

- When people use something you say and take it to the extreme or completely runs with it and applies it to a vastly different or absurd context.

Ex: I'm thinking of investing in Target stocks. They seem to be doing well. --> Look what happened in Canada! They completely flopped there!

Ex: I'm getting rid of a bunch of magazines to declutter. --> Well what about all your other junk? You have so much paper and containers! 

 

- When someone speaks in absolutes even though it's a matter of opinion, not that it was asked for to begin with.

Ex: We wanted to try some new dishes from this restaurant. --> Oh that restaurant is terrible. Their stuff is way too salty and so much grease. Not good at all.

 

 

I wish people knew that communication should be purposeful. I wish people would think about what the purpose is of them opening their mouths before they say something.

It's really apparent that people don't think about the "Why should I say/post this?" before going for it.

I've seen a lot of posts that while not outright offensive or attacking, don't really serve to help the OP or expand the conversation. More hurtful than helpful.

It's really sad and is more telling of the poster than the OP. Rant for another day though. 

[Accountable Daddy]

I don't want to talk about it.

 

Alright, jokes aside I actually have rules I put in place with my first little that I'd use with any I have in the future. Such as:

 

Inform when either of us will be unavailable and, if possible, when available again

“Spamming” messages is acceptable at all times

If you’re feeling sad, mad, or other strong feelings, you’ll let me know

Being required to send a good morning and good night message every day

 

I also make it clear that I will NEVER make a punishment that would ever forbid or limit talking to me. Also when I first meet someone, I make it clear that I don't want them to feel like they're "bothering" me by reaching out. Even if I'm busy and can't get back to them immediately, I'm always happy to see a message or three on my phone when I get back to it. And I know that exact thing is what a lot of littles struggle with, so I think it's good to provide that reassurance front and center that it's okay to show you want attention a lot and you'll usually get it. With obvious exceptions like if I'm working or busy in some other way. Then I'll reach out once I'm available.

This might sound dumb to subs and littles, but I also have this thing about having to regulate myself. Ideally I can just lay down the law and aggressively enforce it. In real life I want things exactly a certain way and more than happy to make that clear, but I've also learned that there's a lot of incompetent people in my professional life and you have to take some extra time to get them up to speed or simply don't rely on them in the first place. This bleeds over into personal relationships where I'm going to want to take complete control and teach you to speak and stand exactly how I like among other things. But again it's that worry of going for too much too fast, so I ease into things gently. And that might be a great thing, but I know I've experienced in the past some subs think I'm soft when it's more me making sure they can handle what they are getting before I push harder. Either way, it's a point of contention. I can communicate this, but being told that I can push her harder isn't necessarily going to make me go to the level I want immediately. And I imagine it's similar for a sub/little. How you'd want to ask for certain things or submit more vigorously, but you are hesitant to say anything and even if you were told it's good, you still are used to not going that far.

 

I think my biggest pet peeves just come down to being really lazy or making a connection difficult. One word replies over and over again will make me leave. Being vague with direct questions or answering "maybe" when we first talk will make me walk. I understand it can be cute and all, but that behavior needs to wait until I actually know you.

Another thing that is a huge issue is getting upset or defensive about being asked to change something. For example, I had a girlfriend in college that I hated how she kissed. After a week or two from our first kiss, I finally suggested she kiss a little differently and she was ticked off. "You didn't complain about it the other times." She changed how she did it, but it really made me not want to bother telling her what I'd prefer if she was going to get so upset about it.

That rolls into another point. If you're told about something you've been doing for weeks/months/years isn't enjoyed or wants to be changed, have some consideration. Maybe your partner changed their mind about it. Maybe it's been bugging them for a long time, building up to where they finally decided to say something. Maybe they just never noticed, but now it does bug them. A lot of people will sooner deal with a really annoying issue over and over again for a long time and say nothing than to have that confrontation about it. that said, it's best to make it clear to each other that if there's issues like this, small or not, to address them early and often. Even if you feel dumb. Even if it feels like such a tiny stupid little thing. Even if you didn't mind it before or you even liked it, but now you're annoyed by it. It needs to be handled.

[KingstonBoyd]

Personally, I love texting and video calls to keep in touch with my partner. And I totally feel you on the pet peeve of being left on read for days without any explanation. It can make you feel ignored and anxious, right? I also get a bit nervous bringing up certain topics sometimes, but I'm trying to work on it. One thing that's important about communication is that it goes both ways. We can't expect our partners to understand if we don't make an effort to respond or express ourselves. Anyways, happy to have you here! If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Oh, and have you heard of hrdf training? It's pretty interesting stuff

Edited October 16, 2023 by KingstonBoyd

[MaybeBabyGirl]

On 3/20/2021 at 8:10 PM, daddymind said:

I just like honesty served cold. If something about me pisses you off, or if you want something I'm not giving you, tell me straight. Get under my skin. Just say things how you see it. I'd rather just know the truth than have it diluted with comforting gestures. And in turn I like to be able to be as honest without worrying about hurt feelings.

 

So communication for me revolves around, let's cut the shit and just be honest. I believe a lot of hurtful personal attacks burst out of pent up resentment or feeling like you're walking on eggshells. So if you can allow and acknowledge feelings and thoughts to be communicated naturally, as they arise, then you can avoid the amplification of those feelings and thoughts over time.

 

There are, of course, some things that are more difficult to say than others. I'm an enneagram 9, which is dubbed the "peacemaker". So I find it difficult to say some things that I know might upset the equilibrium. But my favourite solution to these particular situations is to ask incisive questions rather than make accusatory statements. I just want to know that you acknowledge and think about what I say. And in turn I'll do my best to do the same.

I have just had an experience with a confusing communication. It started out well and we messaged each other for 3 hours. I really opened up but the moment I tried asking personal questions of him the conversation ended. The very next day he said he wasn’t interested anymore and stopped following me. 
I’m so new to this lifestyle, it has really affected me. I’m so confused 😕. I even asked if he was interested in getting to know me better and he said yes.

Now I feel like I did something wrong, and shared too much. I’m probably doing the same thing now, so I will end my post with a question. Even if all I want to do is be friends, why would anyone stop following after one conversation?

[Little kaiya]

Sometimes throwing everything out in a first communication can be very overwhelming to the other party. Taking time to get to know people before going too personal let's both sides share and see if there's a match.

[Sparkles and pacis]

My ex daddy actually ghosted me yesterday after being flaky for weeks, leaving me on read and ignoring my tears and I tried to tell him my feelings about it so he blocked me instead of telling me he was no longer interested🫡😭💔

[blingsing]

On 3/20/2021 at 8:57 PM, TigertheTeddyBear said:

One thing though I've found that helps when anxiety hits or life gets too busy and you can't talk is just sending a summary of the things you wanted to share or talk about that day but couldn't. It doesn't have to be detailed and it can be short, it just tells the other person you were thinking about them

This is brilliant, thank you.  I will use this.

[blingsing]

On 10/22/2023 at 12:32 AM, MaybeBabyGirl said:

I have just had an experience with a confusing communication. It started out well and we messaged each other for 3 hours. I really opened up but the moment I tried asking personal questions of him the conversation ended. The very next day he said he wasn’t interested anymore and stopped following me. 
I’m so new to this lifestyle, it has really affected me. I’m so confused 😕. I even asked if he was interested in getting to know me better and he said yes.

This is very common. People are vary of sharing personal information. You appeared to be fishing. It was too early to ask for personal information. If it would be a personal data issue then, it shouldn't be in early conversation. 

I hope this makes sense.