Roast yourself.

[DaddysMonkey]

..... Hi. *waves*

 

I really enjoy making people laugh , I like to think that I’m funny when I *try* , but more often than not as it is for most people... the funniest things happen organically.

 

I figure since I like making people laugh so much , this might be a good place to tell embarrassing / funny stories about ourselves.

 

Something silly that always makes me laugh when I think about it is the time my make up chair broke on me. And I think about it a lot because that stupid chair left a scar on my leg.

 

At my old house , I had this rickety old make up chair. It had metal legs , and I’m the type of person to scoot back your chair on the ground while still sitting to stand up. I rarely sand up THEN move the seat. I always push it across the floor with my weight on it. As I was sitting in one of my odd monkey stances on the chair (usually cross cross , one leg folded one leg up , both legs wrapped around the chair legs while I straddle it) , I felt a little jerk. I didn’t think much of it , just “hmm... wonder what that’s about.”

As I’m staring in the mirror doing my eyebrows , concentrated as can be , I notice the world is slowly moving up.... or am I moving down ? It started really slow and before I could register what was happening , the entire chair collapsed and broke apart. I fell to the ground so hard , and my leg got stuck under a chair leg somehow. I have a pretty nice scar and was left with a pretty solid wound from that chair. My first reaction was anger (monkey brain) and I threw the piece of the chair and started whacking them on the ground. Mid monkey brain attack , I started laughing my ass off.... because the whole thing reminded me of the movie Shallow Hal. LOL. If you know what I’m talking about , bless your heart. (WHAT ARE THESE CHAIRS MADE OUT OF)

 

It was my own laziness that caused this to happen , me scooting back with all my weight on the chair damaged the welds in the metal legs over time , and eventually they snapped.

 

I have plenty more stories where I embarrass myself , I’ll be happy to share them later on. Feel free to share as well , I enjoy roasting myself and telling funny stories.

 

 

EDIT :

I posted my wound from the chair in the gallery. It wouldn’t let me attach to the post as the file was too large.

Edited March 16, 2021 by DaddysMonkey

[maddycakes]

What a great idea! I think being able to laugh at ourselves is a great thing

 

For me:

The year was 2007, the day was Tuesday, the time was 1:15pm -- Silent Reading. For anyone who doesn't know what that is, it was a period in school where you were encouraged to read or do homework silently. We had this period instead of recess. Gross. Anyways! On this particular day, I had eaten a Buffalo chicken sandwich for lunch about an hour before, and my tummy was grumbling. We were only allowed one bathroom break per day, which I strategically took during my least favorite class, so I couldn't get up. I made it through 90% of the period, but with only 5 mins left I sneezed, and with that sneeze came the loudest fart of my life. Everyone (including the teacher and me) burst into uproarious laughter. I never lived it down, but I couldn't deny that it was one of the most hilariously embarrassing occurrences of the whole year!

[Guest True_Daddy]

When I was younger, I fell down the stairs at a bar, with dozens of people watching me. And I hadn't even been drinking.

 

I trip over my own freakin' feet sometimes too. SMH.

 

If there was a law limiting the use of coffee, I'd be serving a life sentence.

[Guest DaddySadist_39]

My two brothers and I used to play football with these ten pound rolls of frozen hamburger my mom would buy (single mom, three boys = buying in bulk)

 

Well what happens when you handle frozen packages long enough?

 

They get slippery....

 

Well apparently when that happens and your brother throws the beef chub to you it slides through your hands and you catch ten pounds of frozen beef in your crotch.

 

So that sucked....

Edited March 17, 2021 by DaddySadist_39

[Guest bbubbless]

This is a great idea, however, I have billions of stories to tell because my life is the epitome of embarrassment. 

 

After a long day at uni, I have to use various means of public transport to get back home. I was beyond exhausted that day and it was really cold as well. I have to first get onto the subway for a little bit before I use the train. It was rush hour, and naturally everyone was using the subway. I was not going to wait for the next subway since I really wanted to get home. As I was getting on, it was overly crowded with people and there was barely any place to stand. In the midst of trying to figure out where to go and stand, I did not hear the doors closing and I had no idea that I was standing so close to the exit. However, as soon as I felt the doors enclosing on my bag and my backside I soon realized that I got stuck between the doors. Before realization could slap me in the face, the subway started riding. I soon realized what was happening and started to panic. I managed to get myself out of the doors but my bag was still stuck. Now be mindful of the fact that I had my laptop in my bag so I was done for to say the least. As the subway started to speed up, and as my bag was hanging and dangling on the outside, stuck, I pretty sure started to cry for help. Some nice strangers decided to help and pull my bag out. It was a scene from a cartoon since 2/3 strangers tried to pull my bag inside, but it wasnt working for some reason. After some time; we were able to finally swing my bag inside and we all collapsed onto each other. After crying and laughing it out, I learnt to never be tired when using the subway again. 

 

Side note; you really don't realize how strong those doors are until it closes on you or your bag; im not that big either so honestly that was something else 

[Flip a doodle]

[DaddysMonkey]

So I assume most people know what the YMCA is.

 

When I was a kid my parents worked a lot of overtime , and during summer we would need someone to watch us. My mother enrolled my older sister and I into the YMCA summer day camp. Mom would drop us off at 5 AM , and her or my step father would pick us up between 7-8 PM , Monday through Friday. The day camp took place at a school nearby , the day camp itself was held in the portable classrooms outside. The actual school building was locked up for summer , except for specific bathroom breaks where the security guard would unlock the school for all of us to pee.

 

I was the type of kid that never wanted to miss out on anything exciting , my parents were never around so any attention from anybody , I would soak it up like a sponge. It was time for one of the bathroom breaks and all my guy friends said “I don’t have to pee , besides we can pee outside.”

Well I wanna be one of the boys ! I wanna pee outside and not have to be gone for ten minutes with all the other kids and miss out on something with my friends. So I skipped the only bathroom break we had for another two hours.

 

Eventually , we were all called inside to eat our lunches. I had to piss so bad I thought my bladder was going to explode. I kept trying to ignore it as much as I could , my legs were shaking and I kept feeling like I was just gunna pee my pants then and there. One of the day camp workers announced it was time for another bathroom break , and all my guy friends stared at me like 0____0 “is she gunna go?”

It felt like a right of passage for some reason , to belong with the boys and pee outside later. The worker asked for one last bathroom call , the boys all stared at me and I was very determined. “Nope. Don’t gotta pee I’ll stay here.”

Worker shrugged and took all the other pee kids to the building.

 

Jesus Christ not even twenty minutes later , I piss my fucking pants. I isolated myself in a corner of the portable and begged to be allowed to go to the bathroom. They ended up calling my step dad , and he had to come pick me and my sister up early from camp.

 

I’ll never forget standing in the parking lot , crying my little heart out while my step dad put newspaper all over the seats. I felt like a dog that piddled on the floor ToT Kill me.

Edited March 18, 2021 by DaddysMonkey

[DaddysMonkey]

In my state , marijuana is legal and has been for MANY years now. I was at the store with two people , and I didn’t drive. I was however , very very very stoned.

 

I know grocery stores have different names in different states , but in my state the store is called Safeway. (Other states it’s called something else).

 

I can be pretty clumsy when I’m not stoned even though I like to believe I’m extremely agile (cause I am hmph). The grocery store Safeway , up by the cash registers and customer service usually have merch displays. Specifically for Seahawks , or our other state teams. Big racks full of jerseys , and hat racks filled with beanies , scarves , hats , ect. I’m a daily weed smoker , so normally people can’t tell if I’m stoned or not. (I use it for medical reasons as well as recreational). There is that point though , that you just reach and everything is hilarious and you lose a little bit of your footing. Well....

 

We were about to leave the store , and my stupid ass is distracted people watching like always , staring off at people and things while daydreaming. Oblivious to everything around me... and what do I end up doing ? KNOCKING OVER AN ENTIRE RACK OF HATS SCARVES AND BEANIES. It made a huge crashing noise , everyone turned around to stare at me.... and immediately I’m thrown into an anxiety attack with all the eyes on me. The people with me started laughing at me , didn’t offer to help me pick anything up. I was just standing there chuckling to myself , not sure of what to do. I picked up the rack and one of the workers was standing there staring at me like she was about to put me in time out or something. I apologized profusely, all while being laughed at by the two people with me.

[DaddysMonkey]

So this one isn’t about me.... but about an important person in my life. I was with them when it happened , and it was toooooooo fucking funny for me to not share with everyone. I’ll be keeping them anonymous though. For their sanity and because it’s just so .... fucked up (they don’t have an account here but some people might know them through me IRL)

 

The day was dark..... LOL. Nah , it’s really not that dramatic. I was out and about with someone and he was pretty sick the day before. (Way before COVID) Before going out to the mall with me , he downed a whole bottle of cold syrup. (NyQuil DayQuil) While we were at the mall he kept complaining that his stomach hurt , and he thought he was hungry. There’s a pretty nice dumpling house in the mall so we decided to eat some lunch there before heading back to the town were both from. If you know anything about traditional dumplings , you know about Chinese hot chili oil. It does NOT sit well in people’s stomachs that can’t handle heat/spice. His stupid ass ate a bunch of the chili oil with his dumplings. We ate , walked around the mall a little bit more and decided to head off.

 

We’re in the car together , and under his breath I hear him say “oh no.”

I looked over at him super curious , what did he forget ? His wallet in the restaurant or something ?

I asked him what his deal was ..... and he farted a tiny bit. My eyes almost popped out of my head.

“I just shit my fucking pants.”

 

I started howling with laughter and didn’t believe him , there was no smell and his fart didn’t stink at all. I thought he just had a wet fart and was being over dramatic. I offered him one of my bags to sit on so he didn’t get his seat all dirty. He said “No I think it’ll stay in my pants I just want to get home.”

The entire way back to my house , I’m crying laughing because he keeps saying “Oh my god I shit my pants I can feel it I can’t believe I shit my pants what the fuck oh my god.”

I still didn’t believe him at all , I still just thought it was a dramatic fart. We pulled into my house and I was like bro , go use my bathroom.

 

I’ve never seen this man run so fast in his life LOL. I ran behind him upstairs , just to be able to get one more laugh. I can hear him in the bathroom , groaning “Oh my god it’s on my balls it’s all over my fucking boxers I’m gunna kill myself what the fuck is wrong with me.”

 

To this day , he will never live it down. We’ll be hanging out , and I’ll burst into laughter and he immediately knows I’m laughing at the memory of him shitting his pants.

 

Moral of the story , don’t down a bottle of cold syrup then go to a dumpling house.

[Guest BubblesLovesDisney]

During PE at secondary school my class was playing rounders (for anyone that doesn't know what rounders is, it's like softball but with a shorter wooden bat). I'm not usually too great at sports but for some reason this day I was on a roll. My first round batting I ended up hitting two full rounders and when fielding I caught 3 people out. So at this point it was our team's turn to bat and I was feeling on top of the world. And this is where the story begins...

 

It comes to my turn to bat, I'm feeling confident having hit 2 rounders the first time and I wanted to show off this newfound sense of confidence. On the field we play rounders were rugby posts about 30 yards where the game was being played. I turn to a few girls behind me and in a bragging manner said "Watch this..." My plan was to hit the ball over the rugby posts with style. I missed the first two bowls which meant no matter what happens on the third bowl I had to drop the bat and run to first base. So final bowl and I swung the bat round so fast I missed the ball entirely and the bat hit me straight on the nose, breaking it. Blood shot all over the place and in an attempt to save face and not embarrass myself I dropped the bat and started running to first base. I trip over my shoelaces, skid across the grass but my trousers decided they didn't want to come with me.

 

So there I am, after bragging about my skills I'm standing in the middle of the field, in my underwear, blood travelling down my face and laughing my ass off with everyone else. Lesson learnt, never brag guys.

Edited March 20, 2021 by BubblesLovesDisney

[MysticSand]

This is an adorable thread, and so wholesome!

 

I can totally relate to your first posted incident, DaddysMonkey!

 

My friend and I were in South Korea and I was taking my two host brothers (middle schooler and high schooler) to the movies.

After getting tickets and popcorn, we entered into the small theater and chose our seats. It was my friend in the aisle seat, me, then my host brothers.

I don't know why I did this but I literally kerflopped my entire weight into the movie theater seat with force. Think like when you just flop on to your bed, but into a seat.

The back corner of the seat broke and I knew instantly from the metal scraping sound but was in denial. Instead of moving to a different row, I just used my bag as a seat booster.

Eventually the movie ended and the lights came on. I slowly got up from the broken seat and my friend and both host brothers saw that my seat was very abnormally tipped in the back left corner, BROKEN.

There was laughter and it was just so sweetly ironic that I lived up to the fat American stereotype after all that day. 

[DaddysMonkey]

...... Hi humans. *waves*

 

 

So , I work a lot of shifts alone at work. Some days I have Tanner for a full day , some days are half days. Mostly it’s just me , myself and I. We get “lunch breaks” , but with our job being so relaxed we don’t really separate ourselves during our break. We just hang out. When I’m alone , I get really bad anxiety and feel like a bad employee for locking the door for five minutes so I can go pee. So usually when I work alone , I skip lunch all together and only go pee when I notice it’s slow for a minute.

 

Now ..... I have a vagina and uterus.... you know what that means boys and girls ?

I fucking bleed every month against my will because the creator of humans hates me and has a vendetta against my soul and emotional well being ^-^ anyways.

 

I’m really really bad at being a girl. I don’t feel confused about my gender and don’t feel like I was necessarily born in the wrong body , but I am legit just really sucky at being a girl and anything feminine (except doing my eyebrows but I digress). This means I always forget to put extra tampons in my backpack when I run out , or forget to hide them around the shop.

 

So there I was , all by my lonesome. I felt like I had to pee so I grabbed my keys , put the be right back sign up , and ran to the bathroom.

 

Everything was fine , solid piss , felt way better. What didn’t feel better , was looking down at my overalls and seeing blood all over the inside of the crotch area. TuT No tampons in sight.

 

My anxiety gets the better of me always , I didn’t want to call anyone so I could leave work , I didn’t want to feel irresponsible by not having tampons and not tracking my period , and I’m the only female in the entire company. Calling my boss and saying “hey bro so I bled all over my pants can you cover me ?” Wasn’t on my agenda for the day.

 

Monkey ingenuity ; roll up a ridiculous amount of toilet paper and shove it in your pants like it’s a pad.

 

Embarrassment level : 1000000000%

 

I waddled around the rest of my shift like a loser pee pee pants , refused to turn around so customers couldn’t see anything.

 

*le sigh* I hate being a girl.

Edited April 1, 2021 by DaddysMonkey

[bbubbless]

This is a great idea and I have too many stories to tell honestly but here goes nothing; 

 

2 years ago, before the pandemic happened, my family and I travelled to Malaysia for a couple of days to explore the country on a small holiday. My parents are rather adventurous people and like to explore everything that they possible can in small amount of time. With that being said; my dad had planned us a hiking trip in the middle of the biggest jungle in Malaysia. We woke up at 6 a.m. to have a 4 hour car ride to the jungle for our journey to start. Although we pretend to be very adventurous; we are nowhere near pro hikers and that was quite visible to the others that were there. I was wearing long trousers and a long sleeved shirt that was not breathable whatsoever. Malaysia's weather is usually characterized by being very humid and hot and let me tell you; it was humid and hot that day. 

 

We commenced our journey into the jungle and my stress-levels were through the roof because I am absolutely terrified of bugs. All types of bugs scare the living daylights out of me. So you can imagine my face when they brief us before our hike, about the demonic creatures that live in the deep bushes and trees of the jungle. Trying to stay somewhat optimistic; I tried to focus on the scenery and not on the creatures that were walking besides me.  An hour into our walk, I started to feel dizzy, probably because of the weather and I did not really have breakfast that morning. Not wanting to ruin our hike for everyone that was there, I decided not to say anything. As we kept walking; my head started to spin more and more until I kind of fainted. I was out for a couple of seconds before I regained consciousness and started to scream since I was on the ground with my best bug friends. My mother was outraged since I did not tell her anything about how I felt and honestly in that moment I was so out of it that I did not really listen to what anyone said. After splashing water in my face and eating a biscuit from our fellow German hikers, the guide and my mom decided to go back to the base camp. Remember that at this point, we were deep into the jungle and had been walking for more than an hour. Our guide clearly did not prepare for this happen and started to freak out because there was no easy way back. I had no strength to walk all the way back, so we kind of had a problem. After the guide was summoning a plan with the help of the demonic bugs in the jungle; he said that there was a river nearby that had abandoned boats that we could use to go back to the camp where we started. Putting my faith into our guide; my mother and I followed him, with me being weak and kind of walking weirdly, to the river. Once we found the river; we had to go down this steep hill that was covered in mud and branches from the trees to go to the boats that were there. The guide made his way down first and he is quite tiny; I am not that tall either (5'3) but our guide was around ( 5'0ft). He told me to slowly make my way down, and me being still out of it because I had just fainted, started to walk recklessly until I slipped in the mud, lost a shoe and fell with my face flat into the river. I literally fell into the river with my backpack and everything that I had with me. The guide started freaking out and was trying to carry me out of the river but I was bigger than that poor guy and he could not get my out of the water. My mother started panicking and I honestly found it hilarious; I literally tumbled my way down like they do in cartoons into the river. After being covered in mud, dirt and water; we finally got into the boat and were able to go back to the base camp.

 

Till this day; I remember how I fell into that river, face down with everything that I had. I should also say that I am really clumsy and that whatever happened did not really surprise me:))) 

Side note; Tumbling down from a steep hill covered in God knows what is no fun; I had bruises and scratches from it and I swear I ate so much mud and drank so much river water. 

[shadowrider]

So the other day I was walking by my boss' office and I hear her say "Hey, how you doing?".

So I was like "I'm doing pretty good thanks. How about you?"

Then I hear her laughing and I hear "Hold on a minute"

She had answered her cell that I didn't hear ringing.

I walked back to where I was going like man I'm dumb lol.

[GrampyP]

Not at all, we've all done it, I've even done it to people walking nearby, multiple times. I like to think the other person was slightly entertained. 

[Kittyara207]

Okay embarrassing things?

I was in my senior year in high school.  It was near the end of the year and clothes were on the clothes line from doing laundry the night before.  Its almost 8am.  I had a teacher that was really on me for being late to school so being the good girl not wanting to be late.  Grabbed my clothing off the line and instead of shaking them out like I should cause I didn't wanna be late.  I threw them on and rushed to school.  I run to my class and sitting through part of it feeling a tickling sensation in my shirt thinking hmmm maybe a hair or something so I make sure not a soul is looking at me and peer down the front of my shirt to confront the offending hair or object and I am now staring at a grasshopper staring at me...I scream ans strip my shirt off in front of the entire class.  One of my classmates as a joke wrote in my yearbook next to my photo 'Most likely to be a dancer and not ballet.'   I am now forever afraid of grasshoppers. 

Ummm.  Walking down the street on the way to the post office.  I had a pen pal I'd had since I was in the 3rd grade I was in my 11th year.  I am reading a really good book while walking listening to my walk-man, chewing gum.  I walked right into a telephone pole!  A school bus was driving by for another school for the game that night.  Well, ya know I had to play in the game and all the students on that bus kept laughing at me.  Not to be out done by that move while at the game I saw the bright colors on the new gymnasium floor after being distracted by the other team laughing at me I tripped over the bright orange line!  I ended up with a sprained ankle so I had to explain how i hurt myself to the ER doc and everyone else that asked cause lying is wrong.  

I have plenty more of them but ummm I don't want ya'll to laugh too hard at me.  

[beanbean]

 Lol I remember one time when I was working in Costa Rica . taking care of a guys farms .well I got really sick trending towards the end of the week one time so I started walking to my house about thirty minutes away . Well some pickup truck came and picked me up .once we were passing my house I yelled for them to stop my voice still weak from being sick I guess the driver could not hear me .so I decided to jump lol my bag got caught on the truck and I faceplanted in the road lol.worse still there were a bunch of people standing out in front of the store across from our house

 

[Andriel_Isilien]

A few days ago, I got into the wrong car and tried to start it 😰

[beanbean]

1 hour ago, Andriel_Isilien said:

A few days ago, I got into the wrong car and tried to start it 😰

Same make and model?

[Andriel_Isilien]

23 hours ago, beanbean said:

Same make and model?

It was a brand new vehicle my boss was having me drive for the business. It was my first day and I lost it in a huge parking lot. 😅 I am not a car person that remembers makes and models that quickly. It "looked" the same LOL

[beanbean]

26 minutes ago, Andriel_Isilien said:

It was a brand new vehicle my boss was having me drive for the business. It was my first day and I lost it in a huge parking lot. 😅 I am not a car person that remembers makes and models that quickly. It "looked" the same LOL

 

26 minutes ago, Andriel_Isilien said:

It was a brand new vehicle my boss was having me drive for the business. It was my first day and I lost it in a huge parking lot. 😅 I am not a car person that remembers makes and models that quickly. It "looked" the same LOL

Very understandable then 

[Kittyara207]

My work we have chairs with wheels.  Imagine working with a patient being all professional well as much as possible.   Going to sit down and the chair going out from under you and there are 6 or more patients around you.   It happened three times before boss offered to remove the wheels.  I agreed.

Was with a few friends Canoeing we had stopped on the river at a small island.  There were people on intertubes going down the river too.  School mates.  I slipped in the mud and fell on my butt!  And I tried to stand up.  There was a snapping turtle near by.  And each time I tried to stand I'd fall again.  So I stated loudly to my friends "Help I've fallen and I can't get up!"  And fall back down again.  Of course the guy I'd had a crush on since 4th grade and I was in 11th happens to be close enough to our island to see and hear me...ugh 

 

[beanbean]

2 hours ago, Kittyara207 said:

My work we have chairs with wheels.  Imagine working with a patient being all professional well as much as possible.   Going to sit down and the chair going out from under you and there are 6 or more patients around you.   It happened three times before boss offered to remove the wheels.  I agreed.

Was with a few friends Canoeing we had stopped on the river at a small island.  There were people on intertubes going down the river too.  School mates.  I slipped in the mud and fell on my butt!  And I tried to stand up.  There was a snapping turtle near by.  And each time I tried to stand I'd fall again.  So I stated loudly to my friends "Help I've fallen and I can't get up!"  And fall back down again.  Of course the guy I'd had a crush on since 4th grade and I was in 11th happens to be close enough to our island to see and hear me...ugh 

 

Haha the mud rolling and not getting up sounds mortifying indeed 

[Kittyara207]

Yup.  But I learned a lot

[Kittyara207]

Ever hear of mashed potato wrestling?  Yup its a thing here.  Your closest friend dares you to.  So you sign up.  Bathing suit in back of car from swimming lake.    So ummm your friend unbeknownst to you records it. With her video camera.   And then  plays it at your next birthday party infront of your other friends and a coworker.

The person is still alive and holds power over you forever.  Or until they delete it.  No I will never bring it up in the off chance she forgot it.  The others in question moved away.