I need help fitting in with an older (30-40) crowd

[Bubbles_and_Feathers]

Not entirely lifestyle related, but I feel comfortable asking here.

 

I'm 21, and recently moved in with my partner, who's 39. I've been here for a year and my life is in a much better place now than it was a year ago. Due to the pandemic we've been quarantining fairly thoroughly, with a couple exceptions. But as learn more about my partner's life from shared stories and pictures, the more I find myself bracing for a sudden entrance into a very social and well-regaurded life after years of, well, hermitry. I'm anxious about being able to fit in, not seem overly naive and awkward due to my lack of social experience. I don't know how to fit in with people my own age, let alone of this age range. But I'm already regarded by many people as extremely mature, thoughtful, and somewhat wise (while being a total train wreck at times).

 

 

So, any advice on... Idk? Anything potentially helpful is much appreciated. I also struggle with BPD and social anxiety, and these are the drinking, stoner, musician types, mostly.

[shadowrider]

 My first tip would be don't go into it expecting anything. Our vision of what we are walking into is usually built on misconceptions and notions we think are fitting, especially when facing different age groups or types of people.

Go into it realizing these are people, people are different. That much you can expect.

 I would say that since you are with your partner for a reason, their friends are probably friends with them for those same reasons. Likeable, fun to be around, kind, whatever the case may be. Whatever attracted your partner to you will probably be present in some of their friends also. Each group will usually have at least one odd duck that doesn't seem to fit, but the group dynamic would be off without them so embrace them as well.

 Age is a number and means nothing really. I have friends and acquaintances from their lower 20s to their upper 60s. We all have something in common, that's how we became friends. 

 I have spent a lot of my life around musicians and worked with several bands. Musicians are usually the most mellow and easiest to talk to in my experience. You know you can talk about music, and since they are stoners you can always talk about food, but food works with almost any group. Look for common ground and let the conversations go where they may. My friends talk about sports, the only sport I care about is drag racing. So I let them go off on their tangents and I listen and eventually they come back to a common theme we can all talk about.

 Sounds easy but just be yourself and talk when you feel ready or when a topic that interests you pops up. They may or may not have more life experience than you, but you can listen to their stories and gain a lot and soon you will not be that new person. You will be the person they ask about if you aren't there.

Just be you and it will all fall into place.

[baddad]

Be yourself. Be 21. Be open. You dont need to be perfect when you are honest.

[Vampiress]

I'm someone with a lot of social anxiety, but I've always found myself able to better get along with people older than me even though we may have different experiences and thoughts or opinions about society. I think with older people they often (but not always) have a better idea who they are, a lot of the pretenses fall away. They understand who they are, what they want, where they are in life, where they want to go and in all that they know their strengths and their flaws. Often they have a certain sense of security and confidence than a lot of younger people because the younger generations are still figuring themselves out and their place in the world. There will always be older people who still have no idea who they are and younger people who are far ahead of most people their own age, so this is only a generality but not a rule. I feel like with my older friends I can have deeper and more honest conversations about things, and they always have interesting insights even if I don't agree. I also feel like with them there is less social pressure and worries about superficial things. I guess when you're older and your time on this earth is more limited you just get to a point where you feel you don't have time for all the BS.

[baddad]

I can speak a little on age and anxiety. I will try not to put a block of text.

 

Anxiety is a stress response. When your body experiences the same type of stress over and over, you become numb and slip into the same patterns. This is not an evolution, it is a de-evoluton. One of the things that make older people seem less responsive to emotional swings is this stress response.

 

By expressing our emotions and processing them, we become more mature. This is an evolution. This is the other thing that can make older people seem more mature. Both of those things can appear from the outside to look the same.

 

While you may derive some benefit from being social with older people due to their experience in processing emotions, some of the older people will benefit from being social with you, giving them the chance to break out of their patterns and re-evaluate their own emotions and continue their evolution.

[Little kaiya]

I'm 42, my Wife is 44 and my Daddy/boyfriend is 21 so we certainly understand how age differences can have an impact. That said, the best advice for this situation is the same as for many others . . . Be yourself. Trying to change who you are or your behaviors to "fit in" rarely turns out well. It is stressful and usually comes across as inauthentic or fake.

 

If you aren't true to who you are then how can your partner's friends ever get to know you? How can you ever get to know them?

 

Be true to yourself and let them get to know the real you, the same as you probably hope they are their true selves so you can get to know them.

[Peetz]

Be yourself. Also, try to avoid statements that make older people feel old. For example, “I just discovered a classic rock band called Nirvana! Have you heard of them?” Or, “Stranger Things is so retro, how did people live before cell phones?” And finally, try to avoid saying, “Um, that was before I was born...” Edited February 22, 2021 by Peetz

[LilDemonBaby]

Im the same way except w the added bonus of being autistic. ive come to understand that being open, honest and real is important in ANY interaction. instead of trying to fit in, just be real. if they dont like it then theyre not worth the effort.