Requesting an Outsider's Thoughts.

[Lilminamoo]

Hello, 

My partner and I, for the most part, have been very happy together. We had planned on moving in together and even discussed things such as marriage and starting a family. Recently, however, our relationship has been very strained. I had to move in with my parents for financial reasons during the pandemic, they are relatively conservative. He also moved in with his family so he would be able to spend time with them. This has meant we have been without privacy for a while. His method of handling this has been to work more. I have felt alone. Things between us have really changed and I no longer know how to be us. I feel neglected but I also understand this is situational. It has been over a year since I last hugged him. I have been keeping myself busy, I am doing my Master's degree as well as two research roles and a part-time job. I just want him to comfort me sometimes but he is always busy. We are both stuck in a weird situation where neither one of us is happy but do not know what to do. When we are together I feel amazing and at one point genuinely believed he was my soul mate. Now though, we are drifting apart and it feels as though I cannot do anything. I have brought this up. I have tried to arrange fun dates. I have bought things like lingerie and toys but even still, I rarely get more than 5 minutes of his undevoted attention. We are no longer intimate in any sense of the word. Opening up to him feels odd especially as he has not been around enough to understand. I get through it in the hopes that once things get back to normal in the world we will too. 

Am I doing the right thing? How are other couples handling this?

 

Thank you,

Moo   

Edited January 25, 2021 by Lilminamoo

[Little kaiya]

It's impossible to say what's going through your partners head but let me off you some other thoughts.

 

1. There are always going to be hard times in a relationship. It's how people handle them that counts and it seems your boyfriend's way if handling stress is to withdraw. Even once COVID is over there will be other stressful situations. Are you ready and willing to accept that withdrawal is perhaps his coping mechanism?

 

2. You said you've tried to arrange fun dates and things which shows your effort and commitment. What has he tried in order to keep that mutual bond present? Relationships are two way streets and it's up to all parties to come together and put in the effort, not just one side which is what you've described.

 

3. You've said you're no longer intimate in any sense of the word. I used to travel a LOT for work so my wife and I had to work on keeping intimacy alive and it is doable when you aren't physically together if BOTH people want it to be doable. Also, if you've lost all forms of emotional intimacy I would say that is VERY concerning.

 

Honestly, what you're describing sounds less like a bit of drifting apart due to COVID and much more like a serious change in the relationship. Hoping things will return to normal is nice but doesn't really address the issues. It sounds like there's a need for a very serious, real and potentially difficult conversation to see if you're both on the same page about your relationship. Honestly, what you've described sounds more like you two may be in very different places about the current and future states of the relationship.

 

Sincerely,

 

Little kaiya

[Lilminamoo]

It's impossible to say what's going through your partners head but let me off you some other thoughts.

 

1. There are always going to be hard times in a relationship. It's how people handle them that counts and it seems your boyfriend's way if handling stress is to withdraw. Even once COVID is over there will be other stressful situations. Are you ready and willing to accept that withdrawal is perhaps his coping mechanism?

 

2. You said you've tried to arrange fun dates and things which shows your effort and commitment. What has he tried in order to keep that mutual bond present? Relationships are two way streets and it's up to all parties to come together and put in the effort, not just one side which is what you've described.

 

3. You've said you're no longer intimate in any sense of the word. I used to travel a LOT for work so my wife and I had to work on keeping intimacy alive and it is doable when you aren't physically together if BOTH people want it to be doable. Also, if you've lost all forms of emotional intimacy I would say that is VERY concerning.

 

Honestly, what you're describing sounds less like a bit of drifting apart due to COVID and much more like a serious change in the relationship. Hoping things will return to normal is nice but doesn't really address the issues. It sounds like there's a need for a very serious, real and potentially difficult conversation to see if you're both on the same page about your relationship. Honestly, what you've described sounds more like you two may be in very different places about the current and future states of the relationship.

 

Sincerely,

 

Little kaiya

Thank you,

I have spoken to him about this but he seems dumbfounded as to what I mean. I think he has genuinely made himself that busy that he does not realise how little we talk. I have tried being without him, but truthfully, I am dependent on him. It is like he does not think anything is wrong and does not understand why things need to change. It is frustrating to say the least.  

[Lollipox]

I can’t say that having to work, being the only financial provider or under a lot of pressure and stress has ever caused me to neglect my relationship. If anything it used to help get me through the day.

So I wish I knew the answer to your problem, for both of us.

 

But it sounds like he’s not interested in maintaining a relationship with you anymore.

Optimistically, you can try some of people’s suggestions and I hope they’ll magically work.

But generally people don’t like to feel like you’re forcing them to change, sometimes they’ll push back harder. Because they feel criticised, or whatever the reason.

 

Also, just because he’s saying he doesn’t understand or hasn’t noticed anything wrong, doesn’t mean it’s true. Sometimes people will react that way just to shut you up and make it feel like you’re just crazy and being overdramatic.

 

Because I agree with you- it would be very strange for him to go from soul mate status, to this oblivious “idk what you mean” state. You don’t mysteriously forget how to communicate with someone who matters to you.

And we have SO many means of communication available to us these days, across so many platforms. It’s unbelievable that he can’t find time to call you at least once a day, or txt.

 

Back before I was dead inside, I would go to great lengths to be able to contact the person I was in a relationship with. Because I NEEDED to be able to talk to them and also be there for them. And that was before smart phones and basically the 24/7 access we all have to one another these days.

 

Tldr; it’s off that he’s stepped back from the relationship and says he hasn’t noticed anything. He’s being weird and I don’t believe he’s genuinely unaware.

But I still hope that you both manage to work things out and spend time together, and rekindle your relationship.

[Lilminamoo]

Anywaysssss... I broke up with him and recently found a new relationship. It is strange, but I felt like I had already moved on seeing as he never bothered with me haha. 

[Guest LittleElizabethBun]

...redacted... Edited November 19, 2021 by LittleElizabethBun

[Lilminamoo]

Yeah, I am pretty happy. It’s a new relationship so we’re trying to figure things out but I think he’s great and he’s always there for me. So yeah, definitely much happier now! X