Advice for a brokenhearted little

[littlemachinekitten]

Disclaimer: I'm really sorry if this is not the right place for this, I just don't know where to turn and this is the only place I felt safe to open up and ask for help. I really just would like encouragement and supportive advice and comfort right now. Last time I posted for advice on a forum everyone bashed him and said he didn't love me etc just cus I said we were thinking of playing with a third person. 

 

My daddy (38M) and I (28F) broke up yesterday. We both struggle with depression and mental health stuff, and for the last 4 days he has been hit with bad news again and again and again and finally broke down. He broke up with me in what I can only describe as a mental breakdown, and made a number of other drastic life decisions at the same time. I was devastated, cus I have really serious abandonment issues and it was so unexpected, we were so happy, and a chain of events just completely snowballed and it ended up with this explosion. I was quarantining with him, so I had to pack all my stuff and go home unexpectedly. He was not himself at all. He didn't tell me to leave but he told me he never wanted to speak to me again and he was done with me, it was completely out of the blue and it came along with a lot of other stuff he said about his life etc that I wont go into detail about. But then when I was packing he started to say I didn't have to leave right away, because he was leaving for a couple hours to go do his workout so I could take my time and leave while he was gone. I told him I didn't know what else to do besides pack...and I was just crying uncontrollably.  He was helping me save my money so he asked if I would be there when he got back and I was confused cus there would be no way I would still be there unless I waited for him to come back....I could barely speak and tried to understand him and he was just like "ok fine, I'll drop your money tomorrow then if you're not here when I get back." Like totally heartless.

 

But then when he got home he messaged me to ask if I was okay and apologize for how he said things without considering my feelings and said that he just cant deal right now. I told him how much I loved him and wanted him to get better and find happiness and peace and I would always support him etc. He thanked me and we said goodnight but then he messaged me later multiple times that night. Now all day today he has been intermittently messaging me. He asked why I didn't take any of the dessert we had got and when I said I was distracted by the fact that he broke up with me (duh!), he said he would bring some for me when he brings my money. And other treats too to make me feel better. Right before his meltdown I got a phone call that my surgery is scheduled for next week. He's been the one supporting me emotionally through my health issues and knew I was waiting to hear about surgery. When he was leaving yesterday I asked for a hug goodbye and he hugged me and said he'd see me around and I said I don't know if you will, I have surgery next week. He insisted he wants to know the time and come to the hospital. That's what he was originally gonna do anyway. He's been messaging me about eating healthy to prepare for surgery and keeping up with my exercise. He designed all my workouts and improved my health so much over the past year, and he was going to rehab me (he's a PT). We were supposed to start a new gym that day but now I guess I have to stay at our old gym, since he broke up with me and went to the new gym that afternoon without me. I cant bring myself to get out of bed, far less go to the gym where EVERYONE will ask me about him, as they always do when he misses a day. I'm all alone now. But then I'm not, cus even now he's messaging me like how he used to, except without the romantic/sexual parts. 

 

I'm so devastated and hurt and sad and he is the only one that can make me feel better. I'm terrified about surgery and he was the only one that made me feel calm about it, the way he talked to me about it and how safe he makes me feel just with his presence. 

This is my first dd/lg relationship. I've always been submissive and always gravitated towards dominant, usually older men. But this is the first relationship where we have actually discussed and explored what it means to engage in a caregiver/little dynamic and what it means to us both and how to have our needs met etc. I have grown SO much in the past year, he got me to kick old bad influences I was keeping around, self-destructive bad habits...my health...my independence...everything, he just always wanted to help me grow and took care of me emotionally like no one has ever done for me in my entire life. 

 

It feels ilke he is still trying to take care of me in a way by talking to me now, but I'm afraid it is only because of my surgery.  I love him so much, I dont know what to do cus I want him to heal but I need him so bad right now. When he apologized last night he said he couldnt deal with everything and that he didn't want to make things worse for me cus I had my own stuff I'm trying to cope with. I'm trying to be supportive. I dont want to be needy and put pressure on him cus he is in a dark place right now and I don't want to be selfish. But the little in me is screaming and crying and begging to be comforted, and I just have to bottle it up. This doesn't feel like any breakup I've ever had before, and I can't explain to anyone in my life how it feels because no one knows about the ddlg aspect of our relationship.

 

He has broken up with me in the past and it was this same pattern. Before it was my fault though, I was struggling with substance abuse and he broke up with me for falling off the wagon for the umpteenth time, then after a day or so a few messages checking in on me, saying how much he loved me and cared for me, then we would agree we wanted to stay in each other's lives, and then we would end up back together within a few days. Almost like he didn't want to deal with my mess but couldn't stay away. (I don't say that like it's a good thing, I'm very ashamed of my actions in the first place). I've been clean for months since that happened and things have been amazing, besides the bouts of depression we both deal with. I'm afraid once I recover from surgery we wont get back together. I'm afraid he wont visit me much when I come home from the hospital. Everyone in my family keeps encouraging me to be brave for surgery, reminding me that I have him by my side, cus they don't know he broke up with me. And every time they remind me how I have his support and so much to live for etc, it's that much more devastating. And every time he messages me I am so happy, but if he stops messaging for a few hours I am in agony, sobbing and thinking the worst, unable to express it to him cus I dont want to pressure him to take care of me or scare him away. I want so badly just to cuddle and be held and have him pet me and stroke my hair and make me feel safe and secure. 

 

Any supportive words would help.

Edited January 8, 2021 by littlemachinekitten

[ThatOneGuyTho]

First off, I'm so very sorry for what you're going through. I wish there were some words I could say to make it better, but sadly.. only time helps. I just went through an extremely bad breakup about 5 months ago, she left me out of the blue with no explanation.. We were so close, did everything together, we were not in this dynamic, but I've never been closer to anyone in my life. I took care of her, and just one day after texting me she loved me, couldn't wait to see me, all the usual stuff.. We got home, she said she wasn't happy anymore, didn't know why, and that was it.. Hour later she was gone, and totally blocked me out of her life.

 

I'm only sharing this as a point of reference, I took it very hard.. I could not (and honestly, still struggle...) get out of bed.. To find a reason to live or, do anything if I couldn't be with her. I still, sadly, cry every single day.. So hopefully what I say here, carriers some weight.. Maybe I can help you go down a different road than I took?

 

You should try to tell your family what's going on, you need their support. Try to surround yourself with people who love you, it might feel easier to just push people out, but in the end it's actually worse for you. It feels like from what you said, that maybe this is not totally over, he's in this crazy place and perhaps he pushed you out because he feels he'd do more harm for you than good right now.. I'm not saying you should wait around forever for him to come back (my big mistake) because that will eat you from the inside out.. Surround yourself with friends, don't do this alone.. Try to find little distractions, focus on small personal goals. I've heard learning a new skill really helps the brain, as you're using up some of your bandwidth on storing that information, you won't be overly focusing on him.

 

You're gonna feel a lot of bad things, you have to let yourself grieve. There's a lot of cool people in this community, so I'm sure others will have much better insight, I'm still very much an outsider here. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to send me a friend request, I'm around a lot, I sunk into that netflix and binge funk.

[Vampiress]

Whatever he's going through, I'd say this is very self destructive behavior if he still cares about you. Some people are this way, when they get overloaded with bad things they will just take it out on someone else or ruin something that they previously saw as good in their life. If he really loves you, then he should know that whatever he's going through he should be able to turn to you for support... not shut you out and claim that he can't deal with the relationship and doesn't want to weigh you down with his problems. That doesn't solve anything or make anything easier, it just makes it worse... especially if he changes his mind, then he has to do damage control and there will be trust issues that will take a while to work through.

 

I do think at some point you need to sit down and have a talk with him and figure this out. You need to find out for sure how he actually feels. Is he going to want to come back? Had he stopped being interested or happy and just hadn't told you until now? And if he does want to eventually come back, you need to come to some kind of agreement on how to handle such major issues so that it doesn't result in an unnecessary break up. Break ups like that can be so damaging because the person who is left feels abandoned and then has a hard time trusting the other person to not do it again. It also sends the wrong message about the relationship entirely. You want a strong foundation that can weather the storm, not a shakey one that crumbles at the first signs of trouble in your life.

 

If he says he isn't coming back and really decides to move on with his life, you need to know this. You need to know so you can grieve the relationship and work on moving on yourself. Also, if he isn't coming back he is being unfair by feeding you this random attention and making your heartbreak worse. He needs to understand (if he isn't coming back) that you will probably need space and time away from him to get through this. You can always revisit it later to decide if you want to continue a friendship... but having his presence and attention is just going to make it worse.

 

I wish you the best of luck with this situation and I hope your surgery goes well. I do agree with the others that it might be best if you tell your family in order to receive their support when you need it most. Just because he won't accept support doesn't mean you shouldn't.