Neediness, is it too much or is it generally good?

[Pennylou93]

My Daddy lives on the other side of the world from me and yes.. everything is very new. I’ve tried to warn him that I am intensely needy and need constant reassurance.

I don’t know if this is going to work out with him or not because I simply don’t feel I am being heard or listened to when I say things. And when I try and talk to him about them he just says “sorry” or “I’ll do better” and I don’t feel like he really is getting what I’m saying.

Either way... I feel like I’ve been ignored for about the last 24 hours and I have had a couple serious cries.

 

I’m in the middle of a punishment with no TV or Shows of any kind for 2 days because I was bratty... and the silence of not having that or him to talk to us.. deafening.

 

Anyone have advice on what to do in this scenario?

[RavenclawPrincess]

Neediness isn't inherently good or bad, that depends on compatibility between you and your partner. Some love a needy little and others don't. As far as that goes, it's important for you to be with someone that enjoys that aspect of your personality. If your current daddy has a problem with it then you might consider whether or not you two are genuinely right for each other. 

 

Not being heard or listened to for ANYONE in a dynamic is very very bad. Good communication is essential to have good relationships and active listening is a part of that. If there is a problem, talking it out and listening to each other so the conflict can be resolved is super important and communication should never take the back burner, so to speak. If you are feeling like he doesn't listen to you, you need to have an adult conversation with him about it (if you haven't already) and clearly explain how you feel and exactly what is making you feel unheard in detail. That aspect is giving feedback/constructive criticism so he has a better understanding of how to do his part so you don't keep feeling that way, if he chooses to be part of correcting that issue. He isn't a mind reader so it's important to get in the habit of expressing yourself calmly and clearly as needed if you aren't already in the habit of doing that. People mess up all the time, what matters is how we go about handling our mistakes after the fact. If he cares about the issue and you help him understand where you're coming from, then the problem should get worked out. Also note, during that conversation you should also be mindful of hearing his side of the problem and how he feels. Ask questions if you're not understanding, and accept any feedback/constructive criticism that he has for you as well. I'm not saying that you don't already do that, I'm just trying to cover all bases here since we have limited information to work with in terms of advising you accordingly.

 

Did you agree to your daddy ignoring you as punishment? All punishments should be 100% agreed upon before ever being utilized. Consent is key here. Note that consent is NOT coercion or compliance just to keep the peace. Consent is genuinely and enthusiastically agreeing to something. If that wasn't a punishment that you two agreed on and you genuinely consented to, then that needs to be discussed again and taken off the table given the fact that it seems to be more hurtful to you than an acceptable method to correct your behavior. You always have the right to revoke consent for something that you tried but is not working out in the event that you DID originally agree to him ignoring you as punishment.  Either way, this issue calls for a serious conversation to happen. 

[ThatOneGuyTho]

So, I'll just throw this out here. I'll start by saying I'm new around here, and have never been in a relationship that included this dynamic. So everything I say, is based on a certain degree of ignorance.

However, my ex was extremely needy, to the point where I always had text from her at work, we were in almost constant contact, and did everything together.

For me, I loved it, but for some people that's a huge turn off or annoyance.

 

I'm really against the whole *silent treatment* as a punishment, I really don't feel like that is fair, and potentially emotionally damaging. Especially if you're taking other things away ontop of that. But I think Raven covered that in a more correct manner, as long as you both have agree' d to these punishments, everyone's dynamic is a bit different. From what you've stated however, it really sounds like you're not happy, and a very real conversation needs to take place.

 

tldr; have a very open and honest conversation with your partner.

[Pennylou93]

I don’t really think that he’s ignoring me out of punishment. He’s talking to me, just last night I think I got a little out of hand for him, and it makes me very sad when I don’t hear from him.

We haven’t really discussed rules and what the applicable punishments are to those rules... they’ve just been a bit thrown at me, so I can agree that a serious conversation needs to take place.

He says he loves my neediness, but I don’t think he understands. I think I finally received my first actual “paragraph” text from him today and he doesn’t ever have more than a few words to say on a specific topic. Says he likes it better when I do the talking.

But things need to change. It’s hard to talk to him when he is literally 18 hours ahead of me, and it’s tough to know what to say to him when I do.. but I appreciate the information.

 

This is my first “actual” dynamic partnership. I’ve been alright with a lot of phonies who are good at pretending until things get too hard. It’s just tough to know when I can put my foot down or if that’s being bratty..

[RavenclawPrincess]

Negotiating a good relationship that works for both of you is NEVER bratty, nor are you being a brat if you ask to sit down for a serious talk. If he tells you that you are being bratty for wanting to discuss things like adults, then arguably he's the one that's a brat (the bad kind) and if that's the case then this relationship likely isn't going to work out. Both of you deserve to be happy and you have just as much right as he does to speak up if you aren't happy. 

[Pennylou93]

That’s fair. I can understand that. I don’t see him saying I am being bratty. I just. Have awesome abandonment issues that I have no control over at the moment.

 

I’m working on them and some days it’s not so bad, but the days he doesn’t talk to me much, or talks to me later than usual sends me into a spiral. I know that it’s unhealthy and I am trying to get into see a therapist but waitlists and money and everything.

 

I think maybe I need to figure out the ways I feel my needs aren’t being met and then bring those specific instances up to him.

 

Side note; is it unreasonable for me to expect him to stick to outlined time frames he has laid out?

Example: I’m going to have a nap and I’ll check in with you in an hour. Eat some dinner and color me a picture and watch a movie...” but it’s now been two and a half and I haven’t heard from him? I’m sure he’s just sleeping, but.. if I told someone an hour I’d make sure I was there in an hour

[RavenclawPrincess]

Talking things out normally isn't a reason for someone to bail, if that's a worry of yours because of your abandonment issues. If that's the case and why you're hesitating to ask to talk everything over, just give it a try. More than likely he'll be fine with having a talk with you. Getting your thoughts together to bring up to him is a perfect idea. Oftentimes I also have to take time to write things down or think over a situation so I know what to talk about/ask for. That's totally reasonable and a great idea if that will be helpful for you to plan ahead. If you two negotiate what's what and decide on your rules, punishments, rewards, etc. that might provide enough structure to help you know what to expect and in turn curb hopefully at least a little bit of the things you're working through personally. 

 

Keeping his word on time frames is something you should bring up if you're feeling a problem. It's good to try to be understanding if he's late for a good reason but also it's good for him to try his best to stick to doing what he says he's going to do. If he's only late occasionally I personally wouldn't be too concerned, sometimes things happen and it's ok to give people the benefit of the doubt when it isn't a consistent problem. If he's sick or not feeling well for sure try your best to be cool about him getting the extra sleep, that's a good reason to be late. If he has a hard time waking up for whatever reason and that's why he wasn't back at the one hour mark like he planned, you two could also talk about what you should do (keep coloring, watch another movie, etc.) if he oversleeps. I'd say there's a problem if he's never on time. Relationships are about give and take, and it's important to meet each other halfway. That's why negotiation is so important, it's also a good time to go over how to handle any situations that might be difficult for one or both of you. 

[Pennylou93]

Thank you. I appreciate all the advice and help!

[RavenclawPrincess]

No problem! I'm sure others will chime in too, sometimes it takes a little time to get a lot of responses on threads asking for advice. 

[Vampiress]

I think Ravenclaw has given you pretty amazing answers here. Communication is important which includes negotiating, setting boundaries, and discussing needs and wants on both sides of the relationship. It is possible that you just aren't compatible, but it doesn't make your neediness bad, nor does it make him a bad person if he can't handle it... but if that's the case then maybe he should stop saying he loves it if he actually doesn't. If it turns out he likes it, there still might be a threshold of how much he can handle and you'll have to come to some kind of compromise. There's also a chance that he is a Dom that doesn't have much tolerance for being a brat, and if that's the case you might have to tone it down, or just decide you're incompatible if acting like a brat is super important to you. Some Doms enjoy being brat tamers, and others seem to really not enjoy it.