CG/DD looking for advice.

[Thisistheway777]

What to do when you're married to someone who wants to be a little, and you've clearly been their caregiver and daddy to some degree for the entire relationship, but tension from the past that you caused, is keeping them from letting you in?

 

The current dynamic is sometimes sleeping together, spending time and interacting normally, but generally staying apart and sleeping in different beds.

 

Any help reinforcing and getting back into those roles, ie breaking that barrier, would be welcome.

[Little kaiya]

Honestly, it sounds like you need to address that tension first through some adult to adult discussion. Ddlg isn't a solution to relationships issues and often doesn't work well until those underlying issues are addressed.

[Thisistheway777]

That is what we are attempting to do. Just don't know how to get past that wall that has come up. I have no intention of using that as a bandage. But my tendencies are clearly there and are being accepted.

[maddycakes]

I agree with Little Kaiya, you're only going to be able to find a solution when both of you are willing to open a truly honest dialogue. For littles, I know that can be really difficult, especially when talking about something (presumably) bad that you had a hand in because they really want their cgs to be happy and don't want to cause unnecessary problems. I think the best way to overcome this would be to let your little know that by communicating what is bothering them, they will actually be helping to build up the relationship and avoid future problems. It's also really important that you communicate to them that you won't be mad or judge them for their feelings - and take this commitment seriously! I have definitely had conversations where I thought I was ready to hear the other person's (negative) feelings (about me or the situation I caused) and I was Not, and then I ruined that open communication and trust I had established because my own feelings were hurt. I have also been on the other side where someone has been judgmental or reacted badly after making me feel safe to communicate my true feelings. Both of these situations were horrible, so just try to prepare yourself for that and make sure you are ready to listen and accept your little's feelings when she does feel comfortable opening up to you. 

[Thisistheway777]

Maddycakes- It is more like I want more than ever to prove that I'm fit to fill those roles even in day to day life, and they just wants to shut it down, no discussion. As it is, I feel I have no reasonable approach except to wait for someone to come to me, who typically is stubborn(brat) and is not a first move sort of person. I'm stuck between being the leader, and showing respect for their position. At this point the two do not coincide based on their current feelings.

[maddycakes]

If your partner is not ready for this kind of relationship or does not want to talk about it, I'm not sure you have any moves to advance here. Stubborn or not, they are still a person with agency, and if they have decided that this is not something they want to pursue to the point that they won't even talk about it with you you should probably respect that and/or give them more time to process what you are proposing. If they refuse to talk to you at all that is a red flag in my opinion and something to be addressed separately, but if they have listened to you and decided that they don't want to pursue this dynamic even though it may fit your relationship, that is their decision to make.

[maddycakes]

I hope that doesn't come across as rude, obviously I don't know the specifics of your situation, but from what you've said it seems like you are trying to force this dynamic on the relationship even though your partner is not on board with that. You say that they won't let you in..if you truly want to participate in the little part of their life, it's important to build that trust and communicate openly before trying to push your way back in to a caregiver role. Breaking through their barrier is not going to be achieved by acting like a good daddy, it's going to be achieved by acting like a good friend.

[Lollipox]

What is the jist of the tension you've caused? Even if you don't say exactly what it was, you could refer to a similar example. So that we have a better idea of why she might be closed off. She may still be feeling hurt and therefore behaving bratty in order to express her underlying frustration and pain. Sometimes even if we're normally good at communicating there will be times or situations where we just don't know how to express it anymore and so we lash out or shut down.

[Thisistheway777]

Lollipox- This is years in the past. I would say that I was a cruel dom because I thought we both enjoyed it. Every indication at the time was that we did. However, it caused some deep cracks that perhaps neither of us knew were there until recently. In the intervening time, there hasn't been any indication of trouble, and I have definitely been nothing but kind. It was a transition from a pet at first to someone I consider an equal and in pretty much every way much more important than myself.