I don’t know if I belong here

[SailorMoon24]

Hi there! Gosh my hearts beating fast typing this. I don’t know why I’m so nervous but I am. I recently read a book about ddlg and it resonated with me, I guess you could say. I’ve been in a couple of relationships but nothing serious. I tend to self-sabotage them because I never know what to do or what’s expected of me or if it’s okay to like hug them or something. I want them to take the lead but they never do and then it’s less stressful to not be in the relationship so I end it. The idea of someone taking care of me and letting me be as childish as I want is appealing. But how did you guys know you were officially like a “little” or “middle”, etc. I don’t go into a little space that I’ve read about but I don’t know if that’s because I’m not a little or I’ve just never been in a situation where I would feel comfortable enough to do it. I’m definitely a more submissive person but I don’t think I would be comfortable with a full on bdsm relationship type thing. Ddlg seems more my speed of the options, but I don’t think I really know what I want. I’ve had a pretty normal life which I’m thankful for, but I’ve always liked rules and following rules. I just don’t know if I’m where I should be or if I fit here I guess. I would love to hear from others about it, whatever advice, experience, etc. that you are willing to share about how they were introduced to this lifestyle and how they figured out it was for them.

[RavenclawPrincess]

First up, you don't have to be the same as everyone else. There's no "right" way to be a little as long as you're an adult. You don't have to fit into a cookie cutter idea of what a little is at all. I know lots of littles that don't regress at all/ don't have a separate head space in terms of being little. Your way of being a little is YOURS, not anyone else's to dictate. Now is a great time for you to learn and do research and it's great that you're reaching out for advice. As you learn what you like/don't like and what works for you, you'll feel less out of place. As long as everything you get into in any area of the BDSM community is safe, sane, and consensual then it's all good! Definitely don't feel like you have to follow arbitrary "standards", just be yourself!

Edited December 11, 2020 by RavenclawPrincess

[SailorMoon24]

Thank you for that I have very little experience with relationships in general so it seems weird to jump to something...I don’t know kinkier than normal I guess? But I do wonder if it’s why my relationships haven’t been working for me. How did you figure out this lifestyle was for you? Or what do you recommend?

[RavenclawPrincess]

Arguably, people in kink-based relationships practice really important things like communication more than vanilla relationships (at least quite a lot of the time, there are exceptions). The dynamic that you want within your relationships is totally valid. In all honesty kink is something that's always resonated with me. I remember saying when I was a young teenager on my myspace "about me" page that I was a "perpetual 4 year old", and that was long before I knew anything whatsoever about the kink community/BDSM. For sure do as much learning as you can, you can get tons of good info here on the forum! There are so many well-respected members that you can learn a lot from so even just making a point to make friends and interact with people here can help a lot with building on your knowledge base so you can figure yourself out. There's also some BDSM educators on Youtube that have really good info! There's overlap between that sort of thing and CG/l so it's good to also learn about traditional BDSM, even if you aren't into EVERYTHING. Evie Lupine is a nice channel and she's good about presenting her info in a way that doesn't make it sound so scary, so she's probably a solid choice for a newbie. She isn't specifically a little, but lots and lots of good info there! LittleMooMoo is another nice channel made by someone that's specifically a little and she has lots of fun videos for littles outside of information, so that's fun too. I'm sure there's others that can chime in and give good recommendations as well. 

[SailorMoon24]

See I feel like that a lot of the time! I never feel like I’m in my twenties. I always feel younger. Thanks for the information and places to look!

[RavenclawPrincess]

You're welcome! Feel free to PM me anytime you need someone to talk to about any questions you have, I don't mind helping people out

[SailorMoon24]

I tried to message you but it says I need to be friends in order to do that. I sent you a friend request which I hope is okay. I’m new to this site so I might just be doing something wrong but I would love to talk more if you are willing!

[babybunnyx97]

Hi I agree with Ravenclaw Princess. And I'm also a Ravenclaw something I would add is that you don't even have to put a label to the way you are. I only found out about DDlg a little more than a year ago. But I've always been this way, I just didn't know there was a name for it. I didn't know I was a "little". I just thought I was childish and different from people my age. I even thought it was wrong (sometimes I still debate that). What I mean is you don't have to think too much if this is the place for you or not. You can hang around here, see if you like it, you can learn, be inspired, meet people, whatever you like. You don't have to label yourself if you don't want to. And you don't have to label a relationship as DDlg either. Just be yourself if you like it here then stay. If you don't you can just leave

[Accountable Daddy]

Honestly this sort of dynamic crosses over a range of others. Traditional relationships, for example, strongly relate to DDlg. So do TPE relationships. And even then, one person's specifics of a given relationship are going to be different from another's. I wouldn't worry too much about it. Just enjoy yourself and, even if DDlg is only appealing in certain ways and not others, you still can enjoy being here for those aspects.

[maddycakes]

on figuring out whether this is for you/what you specifically want or need out of a relationship: Personally, I always knew I was going to love BDSM, even before I tried it. But there were tons of things that I didn't know about that I found within the community that I was unsure of, and I'd say the best advice is to research as much as you need to feel comfortable and then just give it a try. There is absolutely no shame in testing the waters and deciding it's not for you, or taking what you enjoy from the CGl dynamic and incorporating it into a less kinky relationship if that's your thing (example: if you really enjoy rules, that is something that can be easily incorporated into a regular relationship as daily/weekly responsibilities without adding other kinky elements such as punishments or a rewards system). If you decide you really do like it, there is a whole world here that is open to you

[VentralStriatum]

I’m definitely a more submissive person but I don’t think I would be comfortable with a full on bdsm relationship type thing.

This is the most interesting sentence to me. You're attracted to the idea of someone taking care of you, setting rules for you and guiding you, essentially telling you explicitly what's right from wrong, so you can finally relax and know exactly what to suspect. You're aware that relationships where this element is missing usually go wrong. You called it sabotage, but it sounds more like you blaming yourself for the consequences of the discomfort you feel when you're in a relationship without any structure. You might look around and observe most people don't need as much structure as you do in a relationship, but it doesn't make your needs any less real. Your reaction to a lack of structure is therefore entirely logical.

 

Everything you're writing confirms this idea that you're more of a submissive person who feels most comfortable following a lead. In my mind, a BDSM (or DDLG) relationship would more easily enable you to have this element explicitly in your relationship. You'll find a lot of people in these communities who love adding formal structure, and a power dynamic to a relationship that allows you to be the submissive you want to be. I'm curious what it means to you. I get the feeling that for you, a BDSM relationship would be far more intense than just this, that it invites in other behaviours you're not looking for. Fortunately, I've seen people all over the spectrum from all walks of life within the community. You'll have anything from hardcore fetishists to people who just want a regular relationship + something a little extra to make it more interesting, so I'm sure there is a place for you too.

 

I don't think there's such a thing as truly belonging here, as long as you're interested you're more than welcome. For some people this will feel like their home, the only place where they get to be who they want to be. For others, it's just a place to learn more about an aspect of their personality, to improve their understanding of it so that they can set reasonable expectations and verbalize their needs better. Some use it to find a partner with similar interests, others just want to talk about the interests themselves. Maybe it's a mix of all of the above or something else altogether. The important part is that you gain something from your time, whatever form that happens to come in.

 

My path was similar to yours, in that my experience with previous relationships always led me to feel something from it was missing. I've thought about this a lot over the years, and I love to truly feel close to my partner, to have my own little world with them. I love getting to know people, to me it's like slowly painting a picture, a fun game of testing predictions and expectations until you have a truly accurate view of someone, and I'd want to know my partner better than anyone else. I want to know them so well that I could make decisions for them in daily life that are accurate. The same way you're uncomfortable when you don't have structure, is the way I get uncomfortable when I don't really know what my partner is thinking or feeling. Having needs like these that go above and beyond most regular relationships made it clear it was useful to be part of communities like these. In the end, I'd love a partner who appreciates my qualities and who enjoys playing the opposite half of that, and there is an above average chance to meet someone like that in this community.

[SailorMoon24]

Thank you so much for your response! Yes I guess when I say bdsm I’m thinking more than just the basic structure of it I guess. Your words meant a lot though and you kinda were able to put into words exactly what I was trying to say. You also made me feel less guilty for ending my past relationships kind of early on so thank you