20 year old seeking advice and venting about identity crisis.

[Guest perseph0ne]

This might be a long-ish read, thanks for reading if you do!

I'm reading others' posts on this and seeing I'm not the only person to question my tendencies. If you've questioned, why? What do you think or question the most?

The more experience I gain in the world of DDLG and BDSM, I can't figure out if I like it.. or if it's overrated. Maybe it was all just something I hyperfixated on when I was way too young and never found a real understanding..

I don't know who or what I am or who or what I am looking for. Am I a little? I thought so.. Maybe more of a middle? I don't know!! I don't think I regress or have a little age. I simply am who I am?

I'm not interested in diapers, or binkis (rarely), I like my stuffed animals, but also I like when my bed isn't overcrowded. I do enjoy sippy cups, baths with lots of bubbles, having a set of rules and/or goals, structure, naps, cuddles. And yes, pastel things are cute!! Other than the rules/sippy cup, these are just normal things!

I feel so lost in this world. Do I even truly want to be a part of it? I've had a whole imagination of what DDLG and BDSM was. That I'd be happy with a Daddy Dom one day. But sexually, I am discovering that maybe I'm not into as much pain as I thought I would be. I really do not care for paddles, or brushes, or belts. I am definitely not a pain slut. And that seems to be a deal breaker for most daddies. Which is fair, we all have those preferences.

I never thought I was so plain and vanilla. I enjoy light electro play, degrading baby talk (not actual baby talk, simply can't stand that), wax play, bondage, and I have enjoyed most experiences with a flogger. I don't want to be choked out or on the receiving end of extreme pain. And honestly!!!! Sex hurts majority of the time!!!! I have only enjoyed sex with small number of partners, and even now I'm questioning if I enjoyed it or if I was just happy to be in the arms of someone and on the receiving end of care for a little while.

I feel a little better putting these thoughts and feelings into words.. but phew, who needs therapy?!

Edited November 29, 2020 by perseph0ne

[SebHardy^^]

Here's my short, summed-up answer to your problem. It may be short, but at the same time something you could think of for a bit more and maybe, just maybe it will solve your crisis (just a feeling~) :

 

Is ddlg/bdsm something you want as lifestyle, or as recurring role-play?

[Coco600]

Hi,

 

So, gonna preface this with saying... I'm not as deep in this lifestyle as a lot of people and I am just giving my opinion, which of course some people are not gonna agree with. With that said...allons-y.

It is really easy to hyperfixate with BDSM when you first start to explore, its new, exciting, exhilarating, taboo and in its essence it plays on all those hormones and brain pathways that create happy zingy feelings. A lot of people throw themselves in. And then a crash happens when you start realizing that everyone involved is a human being that has their own flaws and issues and ways of doing and wanting, and some people are really mean, and some people just disappear and then you can become really disillusioned and be like 'huh this isn't what I thought it would be'.

I think it would be like finding a fairy in the garden to find someone who was like 'yes I knew exactly what I wanted and who I was going into BDSM and it has never, ever changed'. Its the reason we have hard limits and soft limits and negotiate and renegotiate. open communication. Even if you are playing with the same partner, negotiation should always be an open conversation and limits can change. Sometimes you think you want something and you try it and hate it and its suddenly on your hard limit list.

I struggled (and sometimes still do) with if I am the 'right' kind of... Whatever. If I'm doing it right, if i don't regress in the right way. I just an impostor? Am I not submissive enough? Can I not take enough pain to be included in the cool kids club? But I figured in the end it doesn't matter... I like what I like. If someone in this lifestyle has an issue with that then its a 'them problem' and I don't have to waste energy 'proving myself' because EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT.

Which hits on the 'plain and vanilla' thing...its so subjective. Like yeah maybe to a 24/7 TPE sadist... But to someone outside of kink? And also 'plain and vanilla' is not a bad thing either. Sometimes its exactly whats needed even within a kink relationship. Libido is so varying throughout life. Sometimes you want all the sex and sometimes don't touch me.

 

Sooo... After that whole essay... These are questions I ask myself periodically and write down my feels about...

Am I feeling fulfilled?

Am I taking care of my needs?

Do I want what this is giving me?

Do I have a balanced life outside of the kink?

Is my mental health healthy?

Am I communicating honestly and openly with the important people in my life?

Do I need a break?

 

Life is so huge and things change so often. Questioning is GOOD, it means you are ensuring that you are doing things for the right reasons and keeping yourself safe.

 

Anyway I hope this helps. Feel free to friend me if you want to send a message about anything.

[littlekami]

I'm sort of struggling with my identity too sometimes. 

 

Something I've been starting to think is that it's okay to just be. As you learn who you are as well, just be that freely and meet yourself with excitement and don't be afraid of changing your mind. Learn who you are for you, and be you for you. 

You don't need to like anything. Even if you thought you would. Even if you told someone you would. It's okay to like it just a little bit, and only in very specific circumstances with certain people. It's okay to like something with one person, and not like it with the other. 

You know you're special and unique in your own ways, so freely like what you like and meet people who make you feel good. 

 

In regards to BDSM specifically, I think the best part is the connection you can build with others. Not everyone is looking for a connection though, and I've found those types of interactions to be overrated.

[Guest perseph0ne]

Thank you guys for the replies and insight!! I have been talking a little bit with my current partner and working some things out. Maybe taking a step back from kink, in general, to find joy in certain qualities without it.

[Chris688]