The age old question ...

[DaddysMonkey]

Can people of the opposite sex (or whatever they’re attracted to) be strictly platonic friends , or will it always lead to trouble ?

 

As a middle tomboy , I have an extremely hard time relating to and making friends with females or extremely feminine people. It’s been that way my whole life. The few times I have tried to befriend females or feminine people , there’s always some sort of drama or baggage that comes along with that friendship and I fade myself from their life or will abruptly tell them I don’t like their shit and don’t talk anymore.

 

Out of a lot of trial and error , I consider myself to have four true friends. The Fantastic four let’s call them. Only one of these fantastic four is female. The others are male. The males are the only friends I have been able to keep (obviously besides the one female as well) because of the age old question ever coming into play with these friendship.

 

The male friends I have , are like family to me. The thought of anything sexual happening has never been brought up , and has never been an issue.

 

Now , current day. I don’t mind not having friends , honestly because 99% of the time people suck. And I have trust issues. However , one can get very lonely being isolated... so what do you do ? Try to make friends , right ?

 

I’ve tried several times over the internet , and in real life to make friends. My issue is , when I start getting to be friends with males ... the conversation always turns sexual whether it be a situation where we’re sending dark humorous memes and then they decide to start sending pornographic memes , insinuating things about them , or just straight up start trying to ask sexual questions.

 

Yes , I’m very clear that those aren’t my intentions while trying to be someone’s friend. I’m a very blunt and no bullshit type of gal , so I don’t leave grey areas where people could assume they could talk to me a certain way.

 

So I guess that’s my question for today... the age old question : can males and females be “just friends” or does it always lead to ridiculous behavior and problems? What are your experiences with this issue , if any at all?

 

*I know not everything is male or female and I respect anything and everything anyone is or wants to be , this is just how the question has been worded since I was born many ions ago when the dinosaurs were planted here by aliens.*

Edited November 16, 2020 by DaddysMonkey

[Little kaiya]

Well, I'm a genderfluid individual and my gender changes very rapidly some days or not at all for a few days, very hard to predict. From this lens I'm both a man and a woman but biologically my body is male.

 

That said, I've always had male and female friends and been friends with men, women and any other gender identity. I've never had an issue with people crossing boundaries and going into a sexual realm but that's more because I wouldn't be friends with people that are disrespectful, it has nothing to do with gender in my mind.

[maddycakes]

I am sad to say I know all too well where you're coming from about how frustrating it is to go out of your way to specify that you aren't looking for sexy times and then get totally ignored. In my experience, the key to successful male-female friendships is exactly what you said that you already do, which is set strong boundaries early and remind of them often. I think another factor that comes into play here is that guys do talk about sex and make sexual jokes/comments with their friends, and so when they are speaking with a female friend they don't feel like they need to hold back on that, and then, once it's out there, it is easy to slip into (unwanted) sexual commentary or pursuit. So from that standpoint, I do think that male-female friendships can occur, but part of the work the female has to put into that friendship is the consistent reminders that y'all are still just friends. I think this is especially true in places with heavy media influence on common culture because friends-turned-lovers (specifically people who have been "just friends" for a long time) is the cliche storyline of 90% of movies (in America at least), so it makes sense that guys who feel very comfortable with a female friend might expect that or entertain the possibility every so often.

[~*LilGirl*~]

Hi! I'm sorry that you had to experience those situations with people that you just want to be friends with. It's really crappy that that has to happen. It's been very hit or miss with me. 

 

I have a lot of guy friends, over the internet and in real life. Normally, when making a guy friend and they try pulling that kinda stuff. I straight up tell them that I have zero interest in sexual/romantic feelings and let them set their way through that one statement. If they stop and continue talking like everything is fine then cool. If they keep going then I block them. Or if they get super defensive like "It was just a joke, chill out." "I don't even want to have sex with you anyways." "Why are you friends with me then?" Those statements normally lead to a calm explanation and a block. Unless I personally feel like I can weaver them out of that rude/toxic behavior quickly and have them understand my side, I abandon ship. 

 

It's a lack of respect especially if there has been nothing that could possibly lead up to it, not all guys do it though! They are indeed out there!

[Guest Teasing Tink]

I think it's more on the rare side for things to remain strictly platonic but it sounds like you have a good thing going with your Fantastic Four. Seems like either one or both people in the "friendship" usually develop an attraction. At least that has been my experience. And people do often start off as friends before becoming more, so I think that's common/natural anyway. Whenever I became single, all three of my male friends at the time expressed romantic interest in me (though it wasn't mutual). We're still friends though without things being weird. I guess I can't speak for them though. I'm guessing it's weirder to be the one who is attracted when it's not returned. I also think it's easier to maintain boundaries online than in person.

 

And my current partner and I started off as platonic friends but it unexpectedly turned into romance (mutual). And hell, things even turned romantic between me and one of my female friends in the past. It's a cliche in movies for a reason: it reflects reality. It's hard to predict how a dynamic will go. If someone is speaking to you in a way that makes you uncomfortable though, then just politely tell them so and if they can't respect your boundaries and continue, they probably aren't a "friend" worth having.

Edited November 16, 2020 by Teasing Tink

[Lollipox]

Let us begin the no pants dance!

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I find dude friends end up “needing” (how they phrase it) to let me know they have a crush on me or are “in love with” me. Whether it’s soon after becoming friends or after time. Not only is it awkward, but it also makes me think there’s something wrong with their judgement for liking this steaming hot pile of garbage.

I have only very recently opened my DMs/Friends List to males, so I’m not necessarily talking about dudes on the forum in the former. And I’m pleased to say it’s not the case for all mens I’ve recently interacted with.

The other thing I’ve encountered is talking to guys and being friendly, and thinking we’re havin’ a good time chatting and stuff- then finding out that for whatever reason, without any prior discussion about it, they assume because we’re talking that means I’m accepting being their Little. And then I’m like, oh uhh well actually I was happy just being friends.
They say it’s okay and they understand.
Then try layin’ it on thick with the Daddy *actions* anyway.
And I don’t tolerate that sh*t (none of you should whether CG or Smol), so I’m like “hey cut that sh*t out” (but a lot more wordy and respectful).
Then they get butthurt and lash out or ghost as if they ain’t been told before.
Some Dudes be so eager to get their freak on that they’re happy to throw away friendship.

I am not anti-male, nor sayin’ “Don’t hmu”. Just read the room and don’t be a manipulative creepy motherfcuker.

[LittleTeacup]

I have been able to maintain friendships with two guys since high school (so 10+ years) without any romantic or sexual discussions or comments at all, except for legit advice about their girlfriends. However, they are part of a friend group that includes three other ladies besides me. We've all been friends since high school and usually chat/hang out all together or at least with some of us since arranging six adults' schedules to coincide is increasingly difficult with age. Maybe it's just because we've been in this platonic dynamic for so long and none of us have ever been interested in anything else (regarding me - each of the guys did date two of the ladies in our group during high school but amicably broke up after a while because they were better as friends), plus the guys do have serious girlfriends of their own and are good, faithful men not into playing around.

 

It should also be noted that two of my friends are married (not to each other), and neither of their husbands feels any threat from their male friendships. One was even a "bridesman" at one's wedding. And with the other couple, the husband isn't threatened even by his wife maintaining a close friendship with her ex-boyfriend. Have relationships (platonic and romantic) that are mutually respectful and there shouldn't be problems like that. I personally would never date a man who was jealous of my male friendships. Total turn off. I'm not abandoning my long time friends for an insecure man. Nobody should.

 

I find it hard to make new friends of any gender, although women are more likely as it is currently. But sometimes guys who aren't used to fully platonic relationships with women feel confused when they try because they mistake caring about a woman as romantic attraction. It can go the other way too of course, where a woman not used to platonic relationships with men confuse caring with romantic attraction. That might be partly because of our culture. But I have made new friends with men at previous internships and even though we don't communicate anymore, it was fully platonic the whole time. We even lived in the same employee house. I've never had a problem where a man wanted to ruin his friendship with me by suddenly making sexual advances. I have had situations though online (mostly here probably just because I talk to everyone) where a guy starts talking to me, I make friendly comments back, and before long he starts asking intimate questions or says he wants to date. I reply that I'm not interested and they either leave or keep badgering me until I unfriend them shortly afterwards. But I've also had nice fully platonic discussions with men on here who just think I'm interesting.

[Lollipox]

I find it hard to make new friends of any gender, although women are more likely as it is currently. But sometimes guys who aren't used to fully platonic relationships with women feel confused when they try because they mistake caring about a woman as romantic attraction. It can go the other way too of course, where a woman not used to platonic relationships with men confuse caring with romantic attraction. That might be partly because of our culture. But I have made new friends with men at previous internships and even though we don't communicate anymore, it was fully platonic the whole time. We even lived in the same employee house. I've never had a problem where a man wanted to ruin his friendship with me by suddenly making sexual advances. I have had situations though online (mostly here probably just because I talk to everyone) where a guy starts talking to me, I make friendly comments back, and before long he starts asking intimate questions or says he wants to date. I reply that I'm not interested and they either leave or keep badgering me until I unfriend them shortly afterwards. But I've also had nice fully platonic discussions with men on here who just think I'm interesting.

 

 

Yeah I think that's where things differ for everyone. The environment in which they're making these friends, and why.

 

I don't socialize irl, so the only friends of the opposite sex that I make are online (even pre-covid lol). People are a lot more carefree talking to people online. I doubt they'd say most of the things they say online, irl.

I've had males in my life irl that I've been platonic friends with. I can also relate to mistaking someone being kind or caring as it being something more- not so much at these days, but definitely in the past. It can be difficult if you're not accustomed to receiving that in your life.

 

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And completely unrelated; I like your self-description signature. It's a neat idea. And (belated) welcome back.

Edited November 17, 2020 by Lollipox

[DaddysMonkey]

Thank you everyone for responding, and for your experiences !

 

I’d like to clarify just in case , I lay out ground rules pretty thick for people that are trying to be my friend. (Real friend , acquaintances are different in my mind). And if anyone male or female , crosses those boundaries I block , delete , remove , do anything and all things necessary to keep them from crossing lines again. I’m not really the type of person to give out second chances , so what usually happens is I lay out my ground rules.. they’re blatantly ignored , I lose a potential friend.

 

I don’t believe respectful behavior is something that should have to be basically beaten into a friend , or potential friend. So the whole “remind them every now and then” won’t and doesn’t work for me. If I feel that I’m being disrespected and not actively listened to then they aren’t worth my time anyways.

 

I struggle with this online , but it’s mostly in person. I work in customer service , so after years of coming to our shop people assume they are friends and not just our customers. And with that , comes the common questions from my customers :

 

“Do you have Facebook ?! Do you have Instagram?! Are you on tiktok?! Can I have your number ?!”

 

9/10 times I say no. Because I actually don’t have those social media’s , and I don’t give my number out. It’s the 1/10 that’s extremely upsetting after it happening so often. You try to give someone a tiny bit of trust and a chance , and it turns to hot smelly garbage of a situation.

 

I’m just word vomiting by the way , and keeping the conversations going.

Edited November 17, 2020 by DaddysMonkey

[Bubbles_and_Feathers]

As a bisexual... Panic time! Lol.

I'm a trans male, and I find it much easier to get along with other men. I can fall in love with a woman, but the world of women is a mystery to me.

[DaddysMonkey]

I’m still dealing with this issue currently , and thought I would ramble a bit before I have to close my shop up for work since I have some time on my hands.

 

I thought I had found a really solid potential friend , unfortunately I was mistaken. I don’t need to go into all the details , but I was made to feel like the sexual comments made toward me by this person were my own fault. I had asked several times that the comments stop , and that if it were to continue I would have to stop being their friend. Making jokes is apparently flirting to this person , like literal knock knock jokes and your momma jokes.. and because he felt like I was flirting (telling jokes) he had the right to keep making comments. The situation turned into a short lived argument and him being blocked. Until this argument, he had never mentioned that he felt I was flirting with him. (I definitely was not , I’m not interested in the slightest.)

 

After debating both sides in my own mind , I’m not taking responsibility for someone else’s poor choices. .

[Vampiress]

I would say it is entirely possible to have male friends that remain strictly platonic, and I've had quite a few of these... but a lot of guys don't always respect this boundary, but I honestly think girls can be the same way sometimes and I have seen that in action myself. I do think in a site like this where sex/kink and dating is talked about a lot that it's less likely to find someone who can be a platonic friend of the opposite gender here.

 

As for your situation, I am sorry someone did that to you. I don't know if you met them here or not, but regardless of where it was that's just not okay... especially if you've set the boundary and asked more than once for them to stop (one time should ALWAYS be enough). I understand sometimes people will test the boundaries and make a comment, but you can tell what kind of character they have based on how they handle it after that.

[ThatOneGuyTho]

Ooof dis topic... Myself, have always had female friends, barely any male friends.. I've just always gotten along better with women, than I have other guys.

 

That being said, I keep a very small friend circle anyway. I've had one instance in my life where I generally fell for someone who was a friend, it was awkward at first, but we got over it and maintained a solid friendship for years. We're not friends anymore, but it has nothing to do with genders. Just faded from each others lives one day. I've had it happen to me a few times with girls developing feelings more than just friendship. I've been on both sides.. It's one of those things, some people can.. some people can't.

 

I think it will always come with that risk right? Like, feelings might develop.. but it's all about emotional maturity. Some people can't handle rejection at all. 

Onto your most recent post, I'm very sorry that happened.. It's not your fault, this person simply couldn't respect your boundaries and thought they knew better...

[good_karma]

After debating both sides in my own mind , I’m not taking responsibility for someone else’s poor choices. .

 

That's a very smart and good thing! you can't control how other people feel/think... and it's never our responsibility

 

platonic friendships are very pssobile... but often they don't work out because one side never had the intention of an honest platonic friendship in the first place

the classic "if i just show her i'm a good guy she will like me" which doesn't make you a good guy but words i'd rather not use

[StrngButSweetDD]

I think it's possible to be have strictly platonic friends, but as others said - both people have to approach it as a friendship, not a step to something else.

 

I've had strong friendships with women, and I felt like at the start it was kind of a could-go-either-way thing.  But after some time went by it became a comfortable friendship and there was no way for it to go back.

 

The close friendships I've had with women I always felt were very special and valued, and I wouldn't have ever tried to turn it into anything sexual, or it would have wrecked it.

[Guest violet_l]

Hi, hope everyone doing well.

It's been long since post been public but I will share my thoughts 

 

I see it's possible but with certain kind of people and with certain conditions

Some people start the relation with hidden crush, just to have friends, don't know what they want or to see where things go it's not to say those things are bad however this is where the problem lays for platonic friendships. 

I have had friends where they as I see it dismiss the value and bond we share and start testing the waters. even though its been clear since very beginning that is not the attention.

 

for platonic friendship I found that it's not a matter of possibility for it to be true rather where the intentions lays from the start and I mean by that. Values other person have. do they see friendships as a bond, support system and almost like another family or they get in or perceive relations in general with an open intent. also I would like to add that I don't see developing feeling during friendship is bad thing since sometimes feelings are uncontrollable and it just happen but it goes back to how it gets brought on and how it gets dealt with. 

 

   

[baddad]

If you can get to a place where you can treat everyone, including yourself, with equal love and run into someone else who has achieved the same, then yes.

Until then you will always weigh your sexual relationships in an equation to assign a different level of love to each person you meet.