Not the way I wanted to get funked

[Guest OGTsubaki]

Finding genuine connections isn't easy for me. In fact it's proven near impossible. I seem to have the unfortunate and extraordinary ability to attract the worst sort of people into my life under the pretext of romance, friendship and affection. And online dating has proven to be more of a nightmare than I could ever have imagined.

 

I couldn't have anticipated that my search for something special, a joyous connection, would turn into someone/s taking advantage of my naivete & willingness. Changing my view of this platform from a place for finding happy connections into an arena for flinging sh*t & humiliating the unsuspecting.

 

And so much of myself was used against me.

How?

 

By getting access to my private thoughts (aka diary), people were able to publicly shame & humiliate me on the topics they read.

People used the fact that I was poor to insinuate that I was a gold digger.

People used my interest in sexuality to insinuate that I was immoral & wanting sex from anyone in any way, consent be damned.

People used my unsuccessful attempts at a tertiary education to insinuate that I was stupid and a failure.

People used my interests in polyamory to insinuate that I was a serial cheater, a man eater, a person interested in in stealing people's lovers.

 

And then also on the flip side, seeing some users on various sites writing & expressing things that were eerily familiar. As of they'd been plucked from the pages of my diary. How do you hate on someone in one breath & imitate them in the other? Is it a form of mockery?

 

I'm not looking for this to be a cautionary post. Everyone is different and has the potential to have completely different experiences with other people.

 

I don't even expect a response to this post because silence is golden apparently. But if you do feel the need to respond, please understand that I will not tolerate anyone blaming me for other people's actions.

 

I'll end this long post with this thought; How ironic that the place that once encouraged softness, sweetness, kindness & compassion in me, also gave me reasons to be paranoid, distrustful and reclusive. Truth really is stranger than fiction.

 

Do worry & be sad.

[MintieSweetie]

Im sorry this happened to you love. The world is full of sick people with sick intentions, I came to this platform hoping to find a safe place to be myself and make some friends and I hope I never have to experience the pain and upset you've gone through. It shows that even people you think you can trust can just be two-faced pr*cks. I hope you're okay (as okay as you can be given the circumstances) and that you stay safe. Remember this isnt your fault, people are just fooked  

Mintie xx

[Kitten&Spice]

I am truly sorry that you are dealing with such awful people. I can understand a few of your points cause I myself have experienced a small few of people who were not the best mentally for me and it wasn’t until I started standing up for myself and setting boundaries did I realize how toxic and draining some people were.

 

I hope that things get better for you and that you can find the support that you need and deserve. And I really hope that those who have done such awful and cruel things to you will learn one day that they shouldn’t treat someone like that and have so many assumptions. I hope that you can once again find comfort and a safe space and that things start looking better for you!

[Guest OGTsubaki]

Thank you both for taking the time to read & respond to my little vent. I really appreciate the well wishes!

[Guest OGTsubaki]

Seeing as none of the perpetrators have anything to say in response to my question of why, I don't see any other choice but for me to say one more thing and then put all this away:

 

It was traumatic & unhealthy to have everyone know everything about me. Even if they weren't making jibes or poking fun - having strangers talk so freely, so openly about topics inspired by my innermost thoughts (fears, desires, triumphs & eccentricities) is & was incredibly toxic & paranoia inducing.

 

That on top of the disappointments & disillusionment I had to face with the family I was born into and my former friends... well it was too much to deal with all at once. But Murphy's Law was upon me and my mother introduced what I call "Herbs&Spices", the creepy cherry on top, which saw me believing & doing all sorts of things I didn't necessarily agree with.

 

I was in a terrible state and dependent on her for a roof over my head. I mean, if you'd told me bipedal lizards with an agenda against bovines & poultry ruled the world, I probably would've believed you at the time. I landed on biblical indoctrination instead. I didn't deserve any of that and I hate that I was forced to endure it.

 

I'm still dependent on my mother for a roof over my head but I'm no longer in that terrible state. I still get scared all the time now as a direct result of the doxing, but I'm not terrified that someone's out to get me. Although I am considering some self defence skills so I feel confident that I can protect myself from people attacking me in future. I want to be able to protect myself from now on, instead of being at the mercy of those who intend to harm me.

 

Crazy huh? When the whole premise of Cgl from the outside looked like a safe haven to me. But what I experienced wasn't Cgl. It was ruin vaguely disguised as Cgl. There was nothing safe, sane or consensual about any of it.

 

The start of this month was world aids day & it got me thinking. See, people don't die from aids, people die of aids related illnesses. The disease lowers your immune system to the point where you can't fend off a common cold. It occured to me on 01/12 that these diary reading dipshits lowered my psychological immune system to the point where I couldn't fend off a common cyber bully.

 

Someone I admire recently said something along the lines of, "The people around you, your friends, your family, have the best aim. So if they were to make a target out of you, they'd have a serious advantage." And by god did it resonate!

 

This whole ordeal has put me off power exchange dynamics, real or imagined. But like I keep saying, everyone is different and has the potential to experience different things with different people. This isn't a cautionary post.

 

Anyways, I'm going to go now. Good luck to everyone and bye bye!

 

*Flings tablet at the string quartet from Titanic that's been playing the whole time. "You can stop that, I'm done now!" *