I’ll do it tomorrow. {I'm just venting a bit} TRIGGER WARNING

[Garnet]

I’ll do it tomorrow.

 

I don’t really know when that phrase become something like a motto.

I don’t know a lot of things and sometimes I find myself quite stupid. 

 

I don’t even know where to start, where it went all wrong, where I lost my will to live and just decided that becoming a living doll was the right solution to my ongoing problem. Maybe it started that day, at the begging of November four years ago, in that clothing shop with that cute girl from my chemistry course. When waiting for her to try on some pair of shorts I “saw” myself for the “first” time in the mirror, when all the sounds around me ceased to bother me and silence hugged me like a lover. What I saw was this pale, tired and overweight girl, a sad excuse of a woman and I felt like for the first time that was me and I wondered if people saw me like that too. I was pathetic and it clicked in my mind, it was like a revelation and from that point on the road to self-destruction was free of every kind of obstacle.

I wonder if it start early on, in my last year of high school, when I was so tired of every expectation from me that I just stopped caring what people wanted from me. When everything started to fall apart, when every idea and desire just crumbled in front of me. When shit hit the fan. When my parents verbal rows started to become unbearable, when my teachers image for me started to be too heavy for my shoulders, when every time I tried hard to surpass this academic “enemy” of mine I fell to the ground hard and it become just as hard to get up, clean myself and start walking again with my head held high. 

Or it started that day of summer when I was nine and my mother told me I needed to try hard if I wanted to not let my father know of my bad grades, looking at that moment with an adult eye I can see the start. I had to try harder, I had to be “normal”, I had to cause less problems for my parents because there was my brother and he needed more attentions.

I wonder if it started then.

 

I wonder if my insecurities accumulated over the years from small things and become so blurred that I can’t really see them for what they are. 

I wonder when crying become a sign of weakness in my mind.

I wonder when talking about my emotions become a burden and then something I couldn’t explain for myself. 

I wonder when every bad word hurled in my direction become a throwing knife and me the victim of self-hatred.

 

 

Now I’m a depressed mess. 

Sometimes it’s hard to wake up and go on with my day but sometimes it becomes bearable after hours of musing and nothingness. Sometimes it’s hard to find sleep even if I’m tired or if I sleep I don’t really relax enough to be a restful sleep. Most of the time I drown in my mind made of fantasy just to run away from reality or I eat… I eat from boredom, from the light anxiety things like exams or simple interactions rise in me, from fear to do wrong.

 

Sometimes it’s hard.

 

Sometimes it’s easy.

 

But… at the end of the day I don’t really know who I am. It’s like living in a limbo trying to numb myself from reality and its ugly face.

 

Sometimes, like today, it becomes suffocating. 

With this situation going on since March, arguments with my mother and my less than stellar choices in life are something too normal to be conformable. 

It’s not like I don’t want to change, to become something better, to do things right. It’s not like I love to be this apathetic girl, it’s not like I didn’t try to explain that sometimes its hard to find the reason why… but for her its like I don’t even try because for her there’s always a reason for an action.

Sometimes I want to scream and tell her I don’t fucking know the reason why its hard to just do some simple p.e. exercises. I don’t fucking know why I couldn’t care less of news about the world and who died and who did that and what politicians are discussing. 

Sometimes I want to scream and tell her that even if I stayed informed about what kind of new controversial legislation got approved or which celebrity died from cancer and told the world that life its worth living to the fullest.

It’s not like I don’t already know that life has its own worth, that out there are so many beautiful things to see and do. To understand that I don’t need some celebrity documentary to really understand.

I know. I’m not so stupid. 

But we live in a world with more than seven billion people. A world where you’re not so special and most of the time it’s hard to find something worth putting every fiber of your being into it because there’ll be always someone better than you at it. 

I’m intelligent but not some genius.

I know life it’s worth iving but right now what I see around me is just the dullness of a white and black world.

I’m sad.

I’m melancholic.

And I’m tired.

Tired to put on a mask and be a good actress. Tired to fake a smile or an emotions I don’t fell. Tired of this apathy. Tired of this fear of being hurt. Tired of this wrongness I fell in my own skin. Tired of feeling embarrassed just by standing among people. Tired of wanting to hide, of being a wallflower. 

I’m tired to dream of just someone curious enough to see over the high wall I built around myself. Tired of trying so hard to do the first step and know another human being. 

Tired to be let down, abandoned, just because I’m too much or too little.

 

I’m tired to run after that outstretched hand in front of me and when I grasp it, just a little bit too late, to feel the misty wisp of an illusion.

 

I don’t know where I’m doing it wrong.

I’d love to have a sponge and clean everything and start again from the beginning.

I’d like to find something that makes me really love it. I want to find something that makes me smile in the morning and skip around in the house.

I want to love living and not just another chore.

I want to see the world, to meet people, to live and tell at the end of the day that it was worth every tear and every fall.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know this thing it’s not right to be put on here, but I just felt like I needed it. I needed to let it out somewhere… 

 

Maybe it’s an egoistic thing to think like that but… I can’t stop and really care about it. Sometimes I want to be really an egoist and tell someone how I fell.

I feel so full of anger right now and so sad about my situation and my emotional awareness. 

I’d love to understand it all and make it good, better.

Sometimes I just want to hear that one day everything will be all right, maybe it’s an empty promise but I fell like I need it.

 

I just had a little cry. I vented here and with a friend and I feel little better.

Not everything is ok, but I feel a little better.

 

 

I… 

Thank you. 

For reading this and for lending me a bit of space just to do it.

 

 

[SebHardy^^]

This may sound stupid, harsh even.. But you have to understand that you are the only one that is responsible for yourself. At first that thought might be intimidating.. But if you give it a second view you could see it this way too: you are the one person that is capable to help yourself the most. You are the one person with all the answers you need, you just have to learn how to listen to yourself.

I'd like you to do this: go out, either in the garden, the forest, a meadow, a park, the beach or any other piece of nature that you have access to close by.

Just get out there, take a deep breath and feel. Recognize. Discover.

Become aware of everything. Every sound, from animals to the weather. Every smell from far away to close by. Every taste that's in the air. Just everything you could possible notice. Soak it in. Don't judge it, just get aware of it and bath yourself in all of it.

Than,lastly,feel inside yourself. Feel what that sensation triggers in you. Feel how it is to be alive and in the NOW. Than, after it calmed your mind, be proud of yourself that you managed to make yourself feel like that all alone. That my dear, is your reason to live.

[BrightEyes40]

Garnet life is hard. It's hard for those of us that are onions as in more layers than others (I call them carrots = 1 layer). Sometimes I covet those that see the world in black and white or live for day time tv and reality shows. Me....I have questions....and often I don't find the answers I'm looking for. I want adventure, I want passion. Those are both often lacking in the "real world" because many people are too self absorbed living in their own wee bubble these days, they can't see past themselves or choose not too and that isn't made as a criticism at all to those people, each to their own. 

 

This digital age is full of keyboard warriors and perhaps I'm guilty of the same sin at times but rarely do people actually connect anymore, we've lost community spirit, everyone's too busy trying to live the good life we forget about those that suffer on a daily basis, that have nothing, they didn't strike it lucky when they were born and we fall into this void of numbness because our lives are so vacant of real connections. People don't want to talk about morose stuff, it scares them, denial is easier, its a coping mechanism too so don't beat yourself up so much. Our parents have a lot to answer for but also remember they are literally just children that got older, no-one truly knows what the hell their doing in this life most of the time we're all following the herd just to feel "normal". 

 

I will agree with SB in the sense that no-one can live your life except for you. Regardless of crappy things that may have happened in our younger years by other people that have now caused issues in our adult life, we CANNOT change what's happened but we CAN change how we deal with it. It's only taken me 40 years to realise that I'm in control of my life and I won't be around forever so I need to make the most of it while I'm here. I do think sometimes its an age thing and I feel very old as I say that because its exactly what an old person would have said to me 20 years ago but life changes your perception I think or we learn to let go of certain stuff as we age, I don't assume to have all the answers. 

 

What I do know is that you need to let go of toxic people in life, surround yourself with like-minded people, keep your circle small and care for those people with everything you've got. Wake up everyday and try and make the world your in a better place in some way. But most importantly love yourself, be kind to yourself because there enough people in the world that will want to tear you down to make themselves feel better. All each of us can hope for is that we wake up another day and try....all you can do is try.

 

BE.

[Little Essie]

Firstly, I have to say that although it's very sad, your writing is so poetic! Now, there are no easy solutions to problems like this, perhaps you don't even want to hear anything from a complete stranger. But if you're interested in my opinion, here goes:

I recognize those thought processes so much it did kinda trigger me (though I was prepared for that). I went through a depressive episode and nearly killed myself. What broke me out of the depression cell was therapy. I was hospitalised, given meds and therapy sessions and though it took some time, I managed to heal. It helped me so much that I can't even describe it, and it literally saved my life. So if you're ready for a change, please don't be afraid to take that big step in getting help. Lots of love and huggies from me (I can't stay long on this site without slipping haha) XOXO

[Garnet]

This may sound stupid, harsh even.. But you have to understand that you are the only one that is responsible for yourself. At first that thought might be intimidating.. But if you give it a second view you could see it this way too: you are the one person that is capable to help yourself the most. You are the one person with all the answers you need, you just have to learn how to listen to yourself.

I'd like you to do this: go out, either in the garden, the forest, a meadow, a park, the beach or any other piece of nature that you have access to close by.

Just get out there, take a deep breath and feel. Recognize. Discover.

Become aware of everything. Every sound, from animals to the weather. Every smell from far away to close by. Every taste that's in the air. Just everything you could possible notice. Soak it in. Don't judge it, just get aware of it and bath yourself in all of it.

Than,lastly,feel inside yourself. Feel what that sensation triggers in you. Feel how it is to be alive and in the NOW. Than, after it calmed your mind, be proud of yourself that you managed to make yourself feel like that all alone. That my dear, is your reason to live.

 

 

 

Hello and thank you for the wonderful advise.

I'm sorry for this late answer, but this last week has been quite a... I don't even know how to define it.

 

I did just like you advised, took my phone and keys and went out, walked around town for more than an hour and tried to put everything in their right place and make some kind of plan to go on. It didn't go like I wanted from the start, but I had time to think and reflect on myself, what I want to do in the near future and what I want to do right NOW. 

 

It's not easy to put everything behind, not when all the damage it'd done to me is still fresh and sometimes I still feel lost. 

Right now I'm not so down, I'm good and I could do better but I'm making progress bit by bit and this makes me happy.

 

Thank you again for reading my venting post and leaving a piece of advice.

I wish you a wonderful night.

[Garnet]

Firstly, I have to say that although it's very sad, your writing is so poetic! Now, there are no easy solutions to problems like this, perhaps you don't even want to hear anything from a complete stranger. But if you're interested in my opinion, here goes:

I recognize those thought processes so much it did kinda trigger me (though I was prepared for that). I went through a depressive episode and nearly killed myself. What broke me out of the depression cell was therapy. I was hospitalised, given meds and therapy sessions and though it took some time, I managed to heal. It helped me so much that I can't even describe it, and it literally saved my life. So if you're ready for a change, please don't be afraid to take that big step in getting help. Lots of love and huggies from me (I can't stay long on this site without slipping haha) XOXO

 

 

Hello and thank you!

Your compliment made me blush and super happy to hear, I'm in someway a budding writer and since English isn't my first language hearing something like that made my day, even if it wasn't from one of my works but from a rant.

 

I understand perfectly and it makes it just a tiny bit more easy to breath and stay in my skin so to speak. I used to go to therapy, changed quite a bit over the years, my last session was in February and it went well but... at the same time it wasn't helping me like it should. I never felt right talking with a therapist, from the first one that told me that the kind of problems I had should be borne from other kinds of traumas and not my inner paranoia, to the third one that just continued to take sides in my life and made me feel like a disobedient child, to the last one that was some kind of "family" therapist and I didn't feel really ok to share some of the inner things in my soul. 

But I have a best friend (more like a sister) that's really supportive and understanding; things seems to be really slow but I don't feel so stressed everyday and I hope to feel lighter and happier in the future.

 

I thank you again, your word are really appreciated. 

I wish you a wonderful night and I'm giving you virtual hugs.