Telling a story about me and my exdaddy, until our breakup, because I'm panicking and really need to let this out (Long)

[CuteCupcake]

Hi, I'm Nina and me and my daddy have been in a long distance relationship for about 1 year and 3 months, about a week ago we had a fight, which came out of nowhere, no one really did anything, we were both just annoyed and it was late. He ended up breaking up with me, but more on that later.

 

First I'd like to give some background story about both of our lives before we met each other.

 

Me: My parents divorced when I was six and my dad was became abusive as I got older, I never really understood why, since he was treating my sister much better. I had problems with panic attacks and anxiety since I was about 10, back then it was so bad I was even afraid of simple flowers or grass (little me thought they could be poisonous). That anxiety eventually vanished, but when I was 12 I suddenly was afraid of being in school or just without my mom in general. That lasted just for a few weeks. A few months later I suddenly was afraid of every injury, including a little scratch which bleed and it once got so bad, that I got a panic attack mid class (I still remember that, since I had a little scratch and my teacher just couldn't calm me down, it was really embarrassing). That anxiety got less and less in the next years, the only thing I still worry about now is consistent pain with unknown cause. I've also struggled with school since I was 16, I'm an outstanding student, but I just have problems with disappointing teachers (by getting grades which I usually didn't get or just by not knowing the answer when they asked me a question). It ended up getting so bad I wasn't able to go to school, but more to that later. These are just the bad parts of my life, I had a lot of good parts, but I just think the bad situations my past really influence my behavior now.

 

Him: His parents divorced when he was 7 and he has ADHD. He was sent to a children's home, since his mother was addicted to alcohol and smoking and couldn't care for him. He has a sister and a brother which at that point were too young to be taken from their mother, so they stayed at hers. While in the children's home he had to take medications for his ADHD, since he was really aggressive and in general bad to copy with. In school he had a few incidents where he ended up getting expelled (he threw a chair at a teacher for example), at some point they stopped his medications and he actually ended up way less aggressive and happier. Later on he moved to his dad and lived their since. Tho he never really got happy and about 3 years ago he got into a really toxic relationship with a girl who actually made him cut countless times, it wasn't just her it was also other things going on in his life, but she was really bad for him. He ended up leaving her, when he realized she isn't good for him. 

 

A few months after that, we met: We met on a meetup of a mutual online friend and exchanged numbers (I'm from Austria and he's from the Netherlands). We texted for months and he was really nice and everything, but I also noticed he has an issue with cutting, so when he got into one of these moods I tried to support him the best that I could. It was summer holidays at that time (we were both 18, he was about to start his last year of school), so he didn't really notice much of my issues with school and neither did I. But then when school started I went there for 3 days and every day I came back and slept for like 6 hours in the afternoon, I really couldn't cope and I noticed something wasn't right. He already had asked me out before, but I just didn't want a long distance relationship, but at that point I realized how much he cared and that I really love him, so on the first day of school we also started dating. Eventually he convinced me to talk to someone and I started getting therapy, he would text me "good luck" or something before every therapy session, since I knew I would have to cry and be exhausted after. I also didn't go to school that whole year, since I just wasn't able to. Nothing much happened but shortly before Christmas we hit a rough path, a REALLY rough path, we fought many times and ended up shouting at each other for 1.5 hours at New Years, but for some reason we both understood then it made up. I promised him I wouldn't leave him and he promised me he wouldn't cut. And surprisingly he managed to stop after.. for so long.

We both never had anything involving ddlg, honestly I didn't even know what it was. But at some point I started calling him daddy, because I liked it (he didn't allow me to call him baby, since he thought it was too feminine and since daddy also ends with the cute "y" sound I fell in love with it). I ended up researching some stuff, because I felt kinda weird liking to call him daddy. After that we talked a lot about ddlg stuff and implemented some things in our relationship, but nothing too strict. For example when he told me to go to bed at a specific time, I would mostly listen, but if I just felt like not being little that would also be okay. If I misbehaved as a little he would punish me tho. He was just the most caring human I ever met, we had so many special little traditions, the thing I love the most is his goodnight songs. We had like 4 different songs depending on my mood or my wellbeing, a different one for when I was overall happy or on my period for example (I became really annoying or sad then sometimes, my mood swings are insane). I would say at that point we were still really new to ddlg.

 

This summer I got tonsillitis, I remember my only symptom being not being able to breathe, I felt like being choked constantly. When I went to the doctor wearing a mask (corona) I had to ask the nurse to let me wait outside so I can take it off, since I was unable to get enough air through it. I didn't have any throat pain or anything. These 2 weeks of constantly feeling like being choked made me start having an anxiety of food allergies (I don't have any known), because I just couldn't deal with the fact that there's a 0,1% chance I might get into anaphylactic shock (and not be able to breath). Even then my daddy was here for me, because I would text him several times a day about my food or send him pictures and ask "Is this safey" and he would always sincerely respond with a yes. But because of my fear I felt overall unhappy, since I LOVE eating and I ended up going to hospital for a month to get therapy, as well in preparation for going to school again. Back then I didn't really have a lot of time for him, since my therapies were from 7am to 3pm and after that I'd get visitors or just in general talk to the others in my room. He never really complained about that, but I didn't have much time on our 1 year anniversary at all and I still feel bad. I just feel like this month kind of affected how the weeks after went.

 

September school started for me again (after a year break) and it was hard, I aimed on beating my goal every day (3 hours a day, 4 hours a day,..) and he was always there after to either encourage me or be proud if I achieved my goal. But we were both really stressed as well (he as well started a different school and went to work on the remaining days). So from the start of school on we were annoyed on a lot more days than usual and sometimes got into silly fights without any reason, I can be really annoying and sometimes its hard to stop, but due to his ADHD he is also really impulsive so for him to hold back is hard as well. At the start of October we had a fight, where he ended up blocking me for the first time ever, the next day I sent him an apology SMS (a really long one) since he hadn't blocked me there. He reached out to me and told me we will talk later when we are both at home and we ended up making up. From then on everything got even a little better, we both got back into a game we loved to play and found a new friend group and I myself appreciated him much more and let him know that a lot. But a few weeks later it was late in the evening and I was kind of upset with a friend who kept messing up, since he always complained about me messing up. My boyfriend defended him back then and I didn't understand why so I got annoyed at him too and we had a fight and he ended up breaking up with me, because I said some really unreasonable things (no insults, just actually garbage, because I wasn't thinking straight). He also ended up scratching his arm (not real cutting, "just" red marks). It was really hard for me and I cried a lot, but after being hot and cold to me we made up again and god I appreciated him even more after.

 

Now a week ago it was late again and we had the most silly fight ever, we were both annoyed and talked to each other, but at some point he stopped so I stopped too since I thought we were alright again, I was laying in bed at that point and felt really comforted, because I thought we were good and I fell asleep (still feel really bad about that). I woke up an hour later to messages from him where he said that I should stop ignoring him (he didn't notice I was asleep, he thought we were still arguing and I just ignored him) and that he "doesn't want to hurt me, so its simply over". He also said things like "You ruin my school, you ruin my work, you ruin everything" "you're even worse than 'ex name'". He had blocked me everywhere, literally everywhere. I was heartbroken and cried so much, since in that night daddy wasn't here for make me feel comfy while falling asleep. The next few days I chased him and I regret it, on Friday (we broke up on Tuesday) I ended up telling a friend to make a group with him and me twice and leave, so I could talk to him and he was just ignoring my texts, I also sent him a long apology letter and more things and he ended up looking at it for 45 seconds, before leaving the group (so he didn't rlly read it at all). I also messaged him on a platform where he forgot to block me and all he said was "no fuck off". The worst thing I did was talk to the friend who already made us fight once, because I was panicking and telling him for 3 days straight how I love my ex and am sorry and everything, he ended up betraying me, blocking me and telling my ex all that I did. I then realized that I was an idiot for chasing him like that but I just felt so lost without my daddy, sine he was always there for me. I went to talk to another friend (girl) I have and she is much more supportive about it and actually wants to help me, she doesn't know how either (since he told me to not talk to his friends).

 

So since Sunday (when that friend blocked me, because I assume that friend sent him things I said) I haven't talked to him at all, since I just wanted to give him space. But I had a lot of moments breaking down, crying, screaming, especially nights are hard, since he isn't there to comfort me anymore. Our fight was stupid and I assume it was just an impulsive decision from him, since on the same day and the days before everything was amazing and he showed so much love. Theres another bad part tho.. he has a best friend which has never liked me since he "believed we just aren't for each other", even on our 1 year anniversary that friend still said we won't make it. My boyfriend always used to defend me when that guy said stupid things about me, but now that we've broken up that guy is probably telling him how great he's doing by not taking me back. I really believe that we were happy with each other and just made this silly mistake and I want my daddy back, but since I can't contact him I feel like this best friend is gonna ruin my chances. 

 

What I did now is sent him a present, it was supposed to be his birthday present but I never sent it in 1 month because of my anxiety (I won't explain the story, just know he was really understanding of it and told me to do it whenever I'm ready). The present is basically just all which was supposed to be his birthday present, so it doesn't involve any things to say sorry, since that hasn't worked anyway. It involves a birthday card with the text for his birthday,  a picture of me with my teddy bear (that teddy bear was really special for me and my daddy), a bracelet I made in the hospital and a picture of my hand with my bracelet (I made matching ones) so he can put his hand on it whenever. It also involves a little envelope which I glued on the card, with another little cute text and with coupons in it (Example: "1x Coupon for watching a superhero movie, since you are my hero") and also one special coupon which says "1x Coupon for forgiving, even if its hard", because back then I just wanted to add that, just in case we ever get in a bad fight again. I never thought it'd send it in a situation like that.

One thing about the bracelet: he really, REALLY wanted it, the last time (and first time) he blocked me, after he unblocked me he said "please send the bracelet" "please send it" "we will talk when you're home", so even in a situation like that, where he was disappointed and mad at me he still wanted it. So I hope he still wants it now.

 

It's due to get there tomorrow or the day after and I'm just so scared that he won't forgive me. I'm sure that he still loved me and the reason for the breakup is just his impulsivity, but I chased him for a few days and annoyed him, while he was staying cold and rude. Besides that he has his best friend constantly telling him that he made the right decision and he himself put up his "walls" and blocked me everywhere so he doesn't have to feel the pain of seeing me anywhere, he said himself that it hurts him to see me. That basically means that he himself is trying to feel nothing and from outside he is just getting this feeling of "you did a good job leaving her man". I am just really scared. I believe that it would be right to get back together with him but atm I'm panicking so hard since all I can do is wait and no one really tells me if I even have an actual chance to get back with him. He really is perfect for me and the only thing which is kind of bad is his impulsivity, because it led to this situation. I really want him to forgive me and I hope the bracelet and everything work out, because I miss him and want to make up with him. 

 

Normally I would believe that its enough, because if he loves me he will come back, but since he acted so rude and cold (which a part of me can understand, he wanted space and I was annoying) I am so worried he won't change his behavior. Something else I'm scared of is reaching out to him after he got the letter, because I am very sure that he won't be the one reaching out, even if the letter moved him a little, since that's just not how he is. I'm scared of him reacting mad still or just so cold and like he doesn't love me anymore, because I don't want to get my heart broken even more. I have a little hope atm, but I just don't know if its justified. He really is worth it and I love him, I don't want it to be over.

Sorry for the long vent, I just don't know what to do or say or how to spend my time waiting, especially since everything hurts so much, since my daddy was part of my whole life:(<3 It would be nice if you aren't that hard on me, since I already have a few friends telling me that my chances are bad to get him back:( I'm just seeking for some comfort and maybe even hope <3

 

[Rosanne8]

Hi, I think that you need to leave him be. He is the dominant right? He is supposed to be thinking of you too even if he is angry he is dealing with a little after all. And if he gets that mad even after you explained why you didnt react he is not worth it sweety (and we dutch people are very stubborn people). If you need someone to talk to you are welcome to message me, i might be able to help you some. I have actually purposely ignored an ex of mine and he was angry but moreover worries when i did answer, that is the right response to such a situation. But what do i know i have not had a relationship that lasted more than three months. Anyways welcome to message me and try to breathe i have lots of anxiety as well and i find watching videos of funny things helps get my mind of it a bit)

 

Since i do live in the Netherlands i could go and talk some sense into him if he doesnt live too far way 

Edited November 11, 2020 by Rosanne8

[Guest Teasing Tink]

I'm sorry things soured between y'all. So, the last straw for him was that you fell asleep and he thought you were ignoring him? Does he know you weren't now, that it was just a misunderstanding? Just seems unreasonable to break up with someone over an honest mistake, it wasn't intentional. But it sounds like he was holding onto stuff so it was a culmination of built up resentments. And what did he mean that he was breaking up with you so he wouldn't hurt you but then he said a bunch of hurtful things to you before blocking you?

 

I can see you're still broken up over this as it's still fresh and this is how grief goes. In my opinion, if it was so easy to break, it wasn't a stable relationship in the first place. It sounds like there were good things about the relationship too but you have to look at it as a whole. A relationship is only as good as how the worst moments are handled. Everyone has hilights. You did what you could, the choice is out of your hands because he made his choice. That's his boundary. I think your best bet is to let him go but if you did want him back, the best response is to give him space and stop being the one to reach out. I wouldn't hold onto false hope of getting back together though because he seems pretty resolved and further attempts at trying to contact him will most likely push him away more because that's how these things usually go.

 

I think it's sweet that you apologized, I guess I just don't understand why he didn't also apologize for lashing out at you. Just seemed harsh.