Vetting and consent advice

[Amber_dragon]

Hi friends, 

 

Feelin' like a Mama Bear this morning... so let's talk about vetting and consent! I know every relationship is different and personal comfort levels vary, but in my opinion here are some things you should get to know about YOURSELF AND YOUR PARTNER BEFORE you agree to a dynamic (especially online):  

 

Take your time: Don't give up power to someone you met a day ago! 

 

Proof of age/self: Many people can mislead you ... maybe they are still a minor, maybe they say they are 25 but really they are 55.  Also, for me, proof that they are visually who they say they are matters too. It's not cool to send a 10 year old photo to represent yourself to someone you plan to be intimate and vulnerable with mentally and/or physically.  

 

Know them as a person:  What are their interests? Are they in school or working? What are some of their goals? 

 

Relationship history:  Have they dated a lot? Are they experienced with BDSM, DDlg/MDlb? Are they seeing other people currently? 

 

Relationship expectations: What are they looking for? How much time to they need/have to give?  Do you want sexual aspects or just CG aspects? What does this look like and does it line up?  Time: Is it 24/7, certain nights of the week, times of the day around work schedules?

 

Examples and ideas: What rules do you like to give out/enforce/ask for from your Dom/me? What were their previous systems? Do you have ideas of what you want to do/give out going forward? Obviously every partner needs different things and this will vary but it's good to see how they operate. What about punishments? What type? How are they enforced? 

 

Negotiation:  As a submissive, you should always consent to any new rules/punishments before they are given.  You might have a dynamic where your Dom/me can give you new rules without this(but that should be agreed to), and then you always have power to say no or negotiate a different option.  

 

Limits:  Know yourself. What are you comfortable with, what would you be open to experimenting and what are your hard limits. Communicate this. 

 

Safe words: Make sure you have these. You can have a full stop word and a slow down word. You can also have non-verbal signals so that if you are in a scene or punishment where you can't speak, you can signal if you are uncomfortable. 

 

Honorifics/Names: We all love these here, it's a big part of D/s dynamics... BUT... please, out of respect... I think it's wise not use them until you ask for permission/agree to it/negotiate.  For ME it's a red flag if someone uses that for me before we agree to anything.  You don't give up power or control without permission, names are a sign of this. 

 

Check Ins: Schedule a time to speak as equals/adults to see what is/isn't working, what can be adjusted to make it better. Anything that makes you uncomfortable and ALSO what you really like!  

 

Parting protocol: This is a unique one but I find it really important.  This is a very vulnerable dynamic.  If you give your power to someone, and the relationship ends, there should be a gentle way to do it. DISCLAIMER: Obviously, if it's toxic, just get out and cut ties and go heal yourself.  BUT if it's a case of incompatibility, life changes or whatnot, be kind... plan a nice exit, don't just ghost or tell them off and go poof! Maybe scale down rules and give them their power back gradually, especially if you are the one making sure they take their medications and such... help them set up their own rules to make sure they can look after themselves when you leave. Be responsible. 

 

ANY OTHER THOUGHTS?  Again, these are my ideas, it's totally cool if you disagree... but I hope maybe it helps people to be safe.  Seems like a lot, but let's be kind and look after each other. <3  

 

 

 

 

[Frog]

I don't really have much to add. I'd like to give a perspective on parting protocol from the dom/daddy side.

 

It's definitely not advisable to ghost someone unless it's toxic. This goes for both sides. A couple years ago, I was talking to a little (long-distance, another continent), and she too quickly started calling me Daddy. I brought that up, we discussed it, and we agreed she should wait. She still called me that. After a while, I realized we just weren't compatible. I said we should be friends, slowly drift apart, and not call each other by DDlg terms. Instead, she messaged me constantly, not wanting to drift, and started sending me suggestive pics. I said we should just cut ties and maybe later be friends.

 

Sure, I made mistakes when separating. But that time I had to ghost her and then later block her and her friends.

 

So I agree that sometimes ghosting is necessary.

[Amber_dragon]

I don't really have much to add. I'd like to give a perspective on parting protocol from the dom/daddy side.

 

It's definitely not advisable to ghost someone unless it's toxic. This goes for both sides. A couple years ago, I was talking to a little (long-distance, another continent), and she too quickly started calling me Daddy. I brought that up, we discussed it, and we agreed she should wait. She still called me that. After a while, I realized we just weren't compatible. I said we should be friends, slowly drift apart, and not call each other by DDlg terms. Instead, she messaged me constantly, not wanting to drift, and started sending me suggestive pics. I said we should just cut ties and maybe later be friends.

 

Sure, I made mistakes when separating. But that time I had to ghost her and then later block her and her friends.

 

So I agree that sometimes ghosting is necessary.

I think you handled it well by your description because you placed a boundary and offered other terms of connecting. She didn't respect that or the boundaries.  That is unsafe behaviour on her part for sending unsolicited photos. Consent and responsibility go both ways.