Telling my husband/Sir that I'm actually a little...

[lilbabykitty]

Hi guys, I know some variation of this question gets posted all the time, but I guess I'm looking for more specific advice that pertains to my exact situation.. 

 

My husband and I have been together for 3 years, married for 1.5, and for the majority of our relationship we have been Sir/kitten. We have taken breaks from that dynamic a couple of times (including right now) because the stresses of life overwhelm us and we find it hard to keep up with our duties to one another as Dom and sub. Life has thrown A LOT at us since we've been together and it just seems to keep coming to this point where one of us can't do it anymore so we mutually decide to put it on pause. 

 

Anyways. Right now I am unemployed because of COVID and have a lot of time on my hands, and that time has led to a lot of self discovery and introspection. I should also mention that I'm in my mid twenties so I'm in that growing/changing/self acceptance stage of my life. I think some part of me has always known that I have a little side, but like many of you I have suppressed it because of societal views and my own inner judgement. The other day something came over me and I just started delving into research on DDlg... and I'm fucking CAPTIVATED!! Nothing has ever spoken to me so clearly. I can't stop thinking about it and reading about it.. and I'm at a point right now with my own self love journey that I need to embrace it. This is me!! I've been letting myself have littlespace time during the day when he's at work and keeping it kinda secret and it feels like I'm lying to him and I don't like it.

 

I know that many people have had to have this tough conversation with their significant other and I'm looking to you all for a little advice. It's clear I need to just be honest and up front about it but the anxiety is killing me.. what if this means the end of my marriage? He has never indicated in any way that he is into this realm of bdsm, and if I know him like I think I do he probably won't be interested. I guess I feel like it's also not the right time for me to bring it up because we JUST decided to take another break from all things D/s. But it's burning me up inside and I need to tell him! Is it selfish of me to want to talk to him about this when he's the one who initiated that break? Would the right thing to do be to wait until the next time we discuss our roles and tell him that I'm actually a little? 

 

Any help or advice at all is greatly appreciated, I don't have anyone in my life besides him that I can talk to about this stuff and I feel really lost and alone!

[Guest Vampire]

There is no 'right' thing to do, everything comes with consequences and that's sadly how life works. The thing is that when you 'marry' someone to me it means that you're willing to go through tough times together and accept each other for who you are and if there's one person you should be able to be yourself with it's your partner in my opinion. If he's not okay with who you are and judges you for it and isn't willing to ever do any research about it to understand you better. In that case I would say that you're not compatible. I have read of a lot of other littles there's a lot of anxiety to bring this up with their partner in fear that things may break up but... . Fear shouldn't be the reason behind your actions. 

The timing should theoretically not matter but in reality that's definitely different and I understand that you're stressing about the whole break. Do also understand his point of view though, maybe his response will be that he accepts you for who you are but that he does not want to partake in little/cg relationship because "that's not what he signed up for" and I think communication may change his perspective on this with time but you'll have to give him time especially because he already has trouble with the D/s dynamic. It also just depends on how much you want to integrate this whole DDLG lifestyle into your life/lives. 

A lot of people are afraid to leave a relationship because they are scared that they might not find anyone else after that and they'll end up being alone. BUT that should not be the reason to stay with someone. Because you're only giving a disservice to you and your partner by doing this. Ofcourse this is all easier said than done and it's always easy to tell people this stuff but when you're in that exact situation yourself you also struggle. But that doesn't mean it's not the better thing to do. 

I wish you guys good luck and I hope things work out for you.
Sorry if what I said didn't help. 

[Vampiress]

I think honesty is important in a relationship and that you should tell him at some point. It will be up to you to gauge when the appropriate time is. Depending on which of you was burning on out your current dynamic... if it was him, then I'd give him some time before overloading him with this information, because DD/lg is a LOT to learn and if he's unfamiliar with it then he will have to do lots of reading and discussing with you if he's interested enough to at least understand it. Also take it slowly with him, because it can be overwhelming and sometimes when people are overwhelmed they back off and it is harder to get them interested again.

 

If he doesn't like it but accepts that this is what you're into, you still have options. You could accept yourself that you will have to be little on your own and in some ways be your own caregiver. Lots of littles do this as single littles or if they have a partner that isn't interested. You are still as valid of a little even if you have to do this on your own. Another option is to see if he's open to you having a platonic caregiver or a babysitter. I'm going to assume polyamory isn't on the table here, so platonic would be best, but totally understandable if it's something you or he is uncomfortable with.

 

The very last thing is if he isn't interested but you feel you NEED a caregiver or if he isn't interested and also judges you for it, then you need to decide if you can be happy going without being little or learning to do it on your own when he isn't around. If none of this works for you then you will need to question compatability and figure out if you can be happy in this relationship and if he can be happy in it.

 

Ultimately, I hope that he accepts it and even moreso I hope that he is willing to participate, but if not I hope you find a solution that you can be happy with and preserve your relationship and marriage as that's so important.