Explaining Yourself as a Dominant Little

[littlekami]

Hello everyone!

 

 

Some backstory: 

 

I'm in a long distance relationship of sorts (not an official relationship but we sort of act like we are because that's just the natural dynamic that developed) with an old friend. We stopped talking for a long time, and then reconnected. We've never been physically together. He was my first CG (caregiver) and is a natural at it and is a natural dominant and we also be littles/middles together. He's not into kink though, and he doesn't know very much about kinks and fetishes beyond what mainstream media says it is. I've been slowly teaching him more but he doesn't really get it, and that's okay. 

 

I recently began another relationship with someone who is into petplay, so they're like my support dog when I'm in little space and I own and care for them too. They have given me opportunities to explore my sadistic switch side. I've learned that I really enjoy BDSM in general, giving and receiving. Up until this person I just thought that I would enjoy it but never really tried it, and now I'm sure beyond a doubt. 

 

My CG has been struggling. 

 

He'd prefer to be monogamous with me, but because of our conflicting views (I'm poly AND kinky and he's not) it won't keep us both happy and this fact breaks his heart but he said it doesn't change how he feels about me. I specifically want BDSM dynamics in my life though, the deep intimate kind. He doesn't really understand what that is or what it entails, because all he really knows about is vanilla monogamy. 

Since I'm poly it doesn't break my heart exactly, it doesn't change how I feel or anything, all I've requested is that he continues being my close friend if he does decide to one day enter into a monogamous relationship. 

We aren't in an official relationship because of these differences, but it's not like that changes how we feel about each other or how we want to interact with each other. 

 

So while I'm learning more about what my sadistic side likes while spending time with my pet, my CG is feeling isolated I think, among other things. 

He is feeling like there is a part of me that he doesn't know - and it's true! If he doesn't like kink and doesn't get kink, and therefore doesn't ask very much about it, then he won't know that part of me. I can't really help that, and I don't personally see the issue. 

 

 

Current Issue: 

 

With my CG I spend A LOT of my time in little space, so he always sees me as that. Since we aren't physically together (yet) he doesn't get to see the way my primal side comes out, which would make a good transition to me when I'm feeling Dominant. 

All he really sees me as is cute, and sensitive and gentle. 

 

 

The other day when I was telling him about some of the things I do with my pet, he got distressed and said it's like I'm not the person he thinks he knows. Like who he knows isn't me, that I'm just pretending to be cute, sensitive and gentle. That it's like I'm acting, that's it's just a "cute front" for something. 

 

I've never explained to him what a little is. I've never told him how prevalent it is in the relationship that we have. He comments on how cute I am, on how he wants to protect me and hold me and keep me safe, and we naturally just do little/middle stuff together like play games and go on adventures. He never entirely made the connection that my childish interests are related to the cuteness either, just that I was childish AND cute. He's childish too, but he doesn't know what a little/middle is and A LOT of people are casually childish today so I'm not really abnormal most of the time. 

 

 

 

He hasn't felt very good about my kinks in general, specifically the more violent ones. He told me that he thinks what I do is cold and cruel, and that the cute person he knows wouldn't do those things. Without experience in kink he doesn't understand how common it is to be fluid like that, and to switch. 

 

I've been anxious to try to explain to him what a little is though, and not being able to tell him when I'm in "little space" is weird, I just describe it to him as feeling really vulnerable and he seems to get what I mean and what I need at that time. 

By using other words he has understood completely, and is great at looking after me in that context. 

I wasn't planning on telling him that littles are a thing that other people experience too unless it one day became necessary.

 

Now he's confused about me, and being a Dominant little isn't very common either I think. 

 

I'm not sure how to explain it to him in a way he'd understand.

 

I'm not sure if I want to be that vulnerable with him about it, because it is a sensitive thing to explain and if he reacts poorly it will make me so sad. If he misunderstands it will make me feel bad about myself. It could change how views our relationship and dynamic together. 

I'm anxious that he'll feel even more isolated.

 

He knows a lot about my past because he was there for it, and about the experiences that probably brought me here, so I'm embarrassed too. 

 

 

This post is also sort of a rant. I really want to just express this to other littles who might understand. 

Thank you for reading! 

Edited October 10, 2020 by littlekami

[baby_k]

 

I'm not sure if I want to be that vulnerable with him about it, because it is a sensitive thing to explain and if he reacts poorly it will make me so sad. If he misunderstands it will make me feel bad about myself. It could change how views our relationship and dynamic together. 

I'm anxious that he'll feel even more isolated.

 

 

If you want to have real connection with him, you need to be vulnerable. You also could say what you just said there. Or even write it to him, so he has time to give better answer than initial reaction.

 

As he anyhow is not too familiar with the concepts of being little etc, it could be sort of easier to explaint this stuff to him. Anyone should understand that there are different sides to everybody, different layers. Even if the sides seem conflicting, in reality we ll have all sort of contradictions in us that in reality go nicely hand in hand.

 

I'm a little. I'm a sub. And I also have pretty dominant personality, and I easily take control. I actually find it hard to use these labels as trying to explain how my dominant personality goes with all, and that the personality trait that won't disappear -even with a dom.

 

I usually get along with more laid back men who let me boss them around and hassle, while they mainly look after me and make sure I'm alright. Those men don't get issues from me being bossy and if necessary they can take the lead and control when needed -especially in bedroom. But other type of men often expect or assume one to be either full sub or full dom, or be switch. Where as my sub or dom sides are pretty clearly defined based on situation, they don't change or switch. Soo, what I try to say: it's hard to explain things as actually you should explain yourself, not just some random concept. The consepts can help you explaining yourself but you are lot more and lot more complex than just some simple label

[Guest Vampire]

I agree with what baby_k said and would like to add that being in a relationship with someone that actually wants to be monogamous while you don't, will give you even more problems in the future. I don't advice it at all. Of what I have read, monogamous people tend to stay monogamous at least if they stated this is what they want previously. I don't think he's going to change his view on this. There is a fundamental difference in how you both look at this relationship. In this instance I would advice you to break things of with him just because of that reason. You both just aren't compatible. I understand that he may be good at other stuff and that he's able to get you into little space and all that but if other stuff in the relationship isn't working out and your views on the relationship are fundamentally different, it's better to part ways, for the both of you. But in the end it's your choice, I wish you good luck with your relationships and hope you all end up being happy. 

[Vampiress]

To continue this relationship he deserves your honesty and openness, he needs the chance to be able to form his own opinions and feelings. He cannot do this if he does not fully understand what is going on, so instead he's left to assume things and feels sad because you are not being monogamous with him. If he wants you to be monogamous and you do not want to do that, then you will probably need to let him go because it isn't fair for him to be sad and unhappy. You both deserve to feel fulfilled and happy and that might mean letting go and staying friends and finding something else that suits you both better. I know it's hard to be open and vulnerable, but if you want something to work with him or if you want to be fair to him he deserves that from you no matter how difficult it is.

[littlekami]

@Vampire and @Vampiress

In regards to our conflicts and our compatibility, I've been as open as I can and we are sort of just friends. Sorry for the confusion! It's complicated.

We aren't in an official relationship because of the conflicts, but we really enjoy each others company.

I don't really see any of these things as a reason for us to not continue caring about each other and spending time together, and it seems he feels the same way, but sometimes he is sad and I still want to do what I can to make that easier.

It doesn't feel right to force a change on our natural dynamic because of those differences either, which he also agrees with. I'm doing my very best to give him the information he needs to make an informed decision. 

[littlekami]

 it's hard to explain things as actually you should explain yourself, not just some random concept. The consepts can help you explaining yourself but you are lot more and lot more complex than just some simple label

@baby_k 

thank you for this advice, it makes a lot of sense. 

even in the context of the added layer of being more dominant, the best thing I can do is explain what it means to me instead of focusing on a random concept. He likes me, not kink, so that sounds like a great approach. Thank you! 

[Guest Vampire]

Okay, well if you both agree that you're not in a relationship that's completely fine. It sounds a little complicated but in his case, if he wants to move on and be with someone else, he needs to make sure that he's not romantically interested in you anymore because that would not be fair for his future partner. And hanging around your "ex" if I may call you that may make it difficult for him, hope he'll figure out his feelings and so on and that you guys may stay good friends and care for eachother. Good luck!

[Kitten&Spice]

I agree with everyone and I think that if it is something that you will not really create a relationship with then it might be best to be open about how things will not go any further then you both being friends. I myself am monogamous and I agree with Vampire that it is not something people will just automatically change. I myself have never really seen myself ever being in one and I don’t think that I myself could handle it mentally. I am a little confused as to what the dynamic is between the both of you but I think it would be healthier and wiser to have you both pursue other people who share the same interests and things in common. If not there will be some major sacrifices and I am sure that neither of you will be happy with that.

 

Lastly I think that if there is plans to continue this dynamic it is best to educate him on things. Be open and honest about what you are into and how you are a switch. Show him everything you know about the lifestyle and other bdsm lifestyles. And then have him look it up. I think if he was able to have that conversation and be willing to understand it would help him out! However, there is always that chance he is vanilla and does not find interest in any of it. One little fun thing he can do is take the bdsm test. A lot of people take it for shits and giggles but I think it might help him better understand himself.