Need Advice - Forgetting Punishments at Home When Discussed Out in Public

[junebug0325]

Heya friends!

 

So, I saw this issue come up in one of the videos I was watching on a social media platform, and I want to hear everyone's opinions. 

 

The issue is this (writing from the view of the little): You are out with your Big and you broke a rule, was bratting, doing something that caused you to get punished. We'll say the punishment is writing lines. The Big discusses what the punishment will be, and that it will take place once you get home. You continue on your outing as normal. When you get home, the Big forgets about it. The scenario in the video discusses that the Big has ADHD and therefore is not good at remembering things. I just want to talk generally and say that the Big just forgot because things are busy when you get home, but the little remembers but doesn't say anything because she doesn't want to complete her punishment. 

 

So my questions are:

For Bigs: In this scenario, would you want your little to tell you? And if she didn't tell you, how would you feel?

For littles: If you remembered, would you tell your Big? Do you think that not telling your Big is just more bratty behavior? 

 

Let me tell you why I'm asking this question, and what I think about it. There were a bunch of people in the comments of this video, saying that it felt by reminding the Big that they were "doming themselves" and that by not telling their Big it was them just being more of a brat by getting out of the punishment. On the other hand, some people were saying that it was taking advantage of a Big with a disability (referring to the original scenario about the Big having ADHD).  

 

In my opinion, I think it's taking advantage of the Big, even if they don't have a disability that makes it easy to forget things that were discussed. 

 

If none of what I just wrote made sense to you, here's the link to the video that I'm referencing: 

 

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJDN78KU/

 

I'm just genuinely curious as to what other people think and what they would do in this situation. Also, to see if anyone else has some good insight to a problem that maybe others have experienced before.

 

Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

 

Junebug x. 

 

[LeanBlaster]

Of course, tho my previous little had kinda of light punishments ( they had struggles and i want them to heal not hold back, so the punishments were fair but not heavie) i would tell them to warn me if i forget(ldr but still my memory is terrible and i was from portugal while they were from Australia, almost the polar oposite of time) and say that the punishments are because i care and want the best for them and that if they listen to daddy they wont be punished and would get a good behave gift! 

 

Besides their struggles that took time to help on it, they were pretty much a good little yet they wouldn't obey and do the punisments sometimes xD but we used obedience app so we would have a tab with the punishments count and the points that could be used to get rewards! Now the question, if they didn't told me and i ended up knowing i would tell them i am sad with them, not mad but sad, punishments(at least mines) are to help them to be better :c

[Lollipox]

The only situation in which I consider it to be taking advantage, is knowing that they forget punishments whenever you (Little) get back home, and therefor purposefully being bratty in public knowing that you’ll receive the threat but none of the actual consequences.

 

Not telling them because you feel kinda tired of having to basically ask for your punishment isn’t bad behaviour, it’s understandable. Because it can start to feel like you have to puppeteer them into being your CG, I don’t think many Littles would feel great about that.

 

If the Little knows their CG has ADHD and memory issues, then for sure be considerate of the fact that they need assistance in being your Dom and remind them. There’s the presumption that they (Little) were aware of this prior to consenting to being in this relationship.

 

If the CG doesn’t have memory issues and is just forgetful all the time because it doesn’t mean as much to them, they’re inconsistent, and they rarely have any follow through- that’s not the Littles fault. You’re not at fault for your partners’ lack of interest. And you’d probably lose interest yourself after a while.

 

I added variants because you mentioned “even if they don’t have a disability.”

The rights or wrongs of the scenario depend on those variables regarding the Little and the Big.

 

I didn’t watch the video cuz tiktok is the plague. Lol

 

Ultimately what matters is how the Big feels about the Little not reminding them.

Edited September 16, 2020 by Poxapoideamesis

[Guest clumsy_little]

I agree what Poxapoideamesis said. I would also like to add on that me not reminding my caregiver knowing that they have ADHD and memory issues, is similar to me cheating with myself. I'm not letting myself grow or bloom if I try to escape my punishments instead of owning up. I might not tell them right away because of my past and how my parents used to punish me, but I would definitely tell them within 24 hours because the guilt of not reminding them is too heavy for me (according to severity and type of punishment)

[Vampiress]

x

Edited December 24, 2020 by Vampiress

[junebug0325]

The only situation in which I consider it to be taking advantage, is knowing that they forget punishments whenever you (Little) get back home, and therefor purposefully being bratty in public knowing that you’ll receive the threat but none of the actual consequences.

 

Not telling them because you feel kinda tired of having to basically ask for your punishment isn’t bad behaviour, it’s understandable. Because it can start to feel like you have to puppeteer them into being your CG, I don’t think many Littles would feel great about that.

 

If the Little knows their CG has ADHD and memory issues, then for sure be considerate of the fact that they need assistance in being your Dom and remind them. There’s the presumption that they (Little) were aware of this prior to consenting to being in this relationship.

 

If the CG doesn’t have memory issues and is just forgetful all the time because it doesn’t mean as much to them, they’re inconsistent, and they rarely have any follow through- that’s not the Littles fault. You’re not at fault for your partners’ lack of interest. And you’d probably lose interest yourself after a while.

 

I added variants because you mentioned “even if they don’t have a disability.”

The rights or wrongs of the scenario depend on those variables regarding the Little and the Big.

 

I didn’t watch the video cuz tiktok is the plague. Lol

 

Ultimately what matters is how the Big feels about the Little not reminding them.

 

 

I agree what Poxapoideamesis said. I would also like to add on that me not reminding my caregiver knowing that they have ADHD and memory issues, is similar to me cheating with myself. I'm not letting myself grow or bloom if I try to escape my punishments instead of owning up. I might not tell them right away because of my past and how my parents used to punish me, but I would definitely tell them within 24 hours because the guilt of not reminding them is too heavy for me (according to severity and type of punishment)

 

You both make excellent points. I can see that there are just many different points of view, which is why I decided to make the post about it in the first place.

 

At least for me, one of my rules is to be honest with Daddy. So if Daddy forgets, and I remember (which normally it's the other way around, normally I forget about it and he remembers), then I am expected to tell him. I asked him what he would expect of me in this circumstance and he said that he would expect me to tell him, and that if I did then he would probably give me less of the punishment because I told the truth and was honest. 

 

However, I can also see littles not wanting to say anything because it feels like they are puppeteering their Big to take care of them, which, can be very taxing over time. I can see that if this happens a lot that it can make you lose interest in the dynamic and essentially, lose interest in being a little.

 

There is no right or wrong answer to this scenario. I just wanted to add this topic to see what others thought of the situation, and maybe even prompt conversation between you and your partner, like I did with my Daddy. 

 

Thanks for everyone's responses!

 

 

 

Junebug x. 

[junebug0325]

Yes! I also have the same rule and I asked my Daddy what he expected of me. He said that he expects me to tell him if I remember and he doesn't. Although, normally it's the other way around because I'm the one with ADHD and he is not.

 

Hopefully this is able to prompt conversations with partners to see what others would expect! I love hearing other's point of views! 

 

 

 

Junebug x. 

[coffeebean]

I am not sure because i have never quite been in the situation. However i have memory issues and i have a little piece of paper which i stick somewhere noticeable, so that i will read it when i get home !! Just to remind myself of anything important to remember (put any cold groceries i bought into the fridge, charge my phone, etc) Its possible someone can write to remember any consequences that were discussed while out. Im not sure if this would help for someone with adhd, but just a thought

[Little kaiya]

If I break a rule or earn a punishment I must tell my Daddy as I have to always be honest with Him, that is critical in our minds. We don't see it as me domming myself rather it is being respectful enough to tell Daddy so He can take care of me and help me be my best.

[junebug0325]

I am not sure because i have never quite been in the situation. However i have memory issues and i have a little piece of paper which i stick somewhere noticeable, so that i will read it when i get home !! Just to remind myself of anything important to remember (put any cold groceries i bought into the fridge, charge my phone, etc) Its possible someone can write to remember any consequences that were discussed while out. Im not sure if this would help for someone with adhd, but just a thought

 

Heya! Thanks for your response!

 

As someone with diagnosed ADHD, I do try to write things down as often as possible. It helps me remember things better, which is why I do it. Although, it isn't an answer to all of my problems. Because sometimes I forget my book. So I write them on my notes app in my phone and then I forget to look at my phone. Or I write them down and lose the paper that had all of my thoughts on it. So, I don't think in this particular situation it would work for me but it might work for someone else. 

 

Going off of your idea, I remember when I was in elementary school the teacher would give us a wristband that we wore home to remind our parents to do something (i.e, bring back a fieldtrip permission slip, bring in donations, etc), so I think maybe something like that would work. Something easy and simple, like a sticker or a pen mark on your hand would maybe help them remember. 

 

Both are great ideas and I'm glad we are having discussions to try and help others that maybe had a similar experience to the given scenario!

 

 

 

 

Junebug x. 

[Prin. Chris]

If this is a known issue (not a one off), then in my opinion it is the Big's responsibility to find a solution. Whether that is creating a process for writing things down, or adding a reminder in as part of the punishment.

 

The little could be required to begin getting ready for the punishment as soon as they get home. Maybe they have to go to a specific spot, or start getting materials together for the punishment. That would remind the Big without the little feeling like they have to top from the bottom.

 

Or, and I actually like this idea, the Big could have an item the little has to put on when they are given a punishment in public. A bracelet, ring, wristband, something that would be completely benign to anyone else, but is a reminder to both the Big and the little of the punishment that is coming when they get home. In public it could be a very simple but powerful message to the little to just be handed that item to wear with a promise to discuss later. 

[Daddy.Astor]

I think i'ts not taking advantage it's the responsibility for the cg/big to remember, it kinda takes the little side off.
Let's be honest would you say oh I still get a punishment if you didn't like it and could get away with it hell nah.
I think the Big in this case need to find better options to remember like setting alarms on his phone, or write it on a piece of paper.
Also, your little will forget she needs to be punished if you have a happy time after she did something that needed punishment i would rater have that punishment At that moment.
I get that this in public is a little hard but you can def do it, also aftercare. 

 

[Guest fhihfidhfd38478]

Hey! Sorry, looks like I'm a little late to the party.

 

I think this sort of depends on the dynamics and the particular rule. If you have a particularly strict Dom/me and you know it would be important to them, you should tell them. If you are a big brat and it was all in good fun, I would honestly still tell them, because it's fun to tease as well! I see no reason not to tell your partner, because if you weren't into punishments and had a reason to avoid them, then maybe punishments or that particular punishment shouldn't be part of that dynamic. It's only fun to get away with something if your partner knows, anyway!

 

While I personally don't have ADHD, I have close friends, family members, and a partner with ADHD. The forgetfulness is not intentional, but I know it's easy for me to get frustrated. It's something I'm learning, and it's something more neurotypical people have to learn as well. I have to remind my partner to drink water, wear sunscreen, etc. It doesn't make them any less of a Dominant, it makes them a person with ADHD. In my relationship, part of being a submissive is making sure my Lady is happy and healthy, so these things don't bother me, especially since I've learned to think of it that way. It doesn't make them any less responsible. There is a big difference in not caring and not being able to remember. If your partner has ADHD or ADD, it's likely that this encroaches on other parts of their life as well. If you feel that your partner is genuinely unmotivated to punish you, that means it's time to have a conversation in big people mode. Otherwise, please be patient with them!

 

I think that some sort of visual key would help, like was mentioned above. Maybe your Dom/me could carry a "time-out" bracelet that they can remember to look for when you get home. That may be especially fun for someone who is into light humiliation -- everyone can see that you did something bad, even if they don't know that's why you're wearing it. The accommodations you make for the people you love don't have to suck the fun out of everything.

 

At the end of the day, it's important to remember that this is your partner and they deserve respect. You've given them this role in your life for a reason - whether you're a Dominant or a submissive. Communication is really important and should always be the first step to addressing any problem.

[Accountable Daddy]

This is actually a funny topic to me. One of the things that I found fun in a D/s relationship I had in the past was to end up letting small things seem to slide, but recording them somewhere. And when I was ready, I'd pull out the collection of missed things and turn it into a bulk punishment. I don't think I'd do that anymore because I can see where trust issues can stem from that in extreme cases. But I like that it made my sub a lot more aware of doing what they're supposed to, whether I seemed to notice or not.

In any case, I'd like my little to tell me if I forgot, but at the end of the day it becomes my responsibility to enforce the rules, not my little's. Not to say I'd have to be fair if I did finally remember after the fact and not punish them for forgetting, lol! If there was a mental condition that would cause concerns about remembering this sort of thing, that's something that should really be discussed and is going to matter from relationship to relationship.