Personal growth brings uncertainty; iso advice/listening ear

[kaydawn]

Hey y'all! I'm not really sure how to begin this post, but I'll figure it out as I go along. In essence, I'd love for some insight, but I'd really like to use this space to ramble a little and be vulnerable, while also opening up a conversation (if there are people with insight/advice/something to share). This will include some more ~adult~ themes, and it's going to be emotionally heavy in places as I get going. TW for sexual and suggestive themes, and mental health struggles. 

 

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2020 has been... something lol. I turned 24 this spring, and I feel like I'm slowly becoming a better me. I'm really trying to focus on personal growth-- setting boundaries, being honest about my feelings, being more emotionally available. I struggle with being emotionally honest. I'm always the one to put aside my feelings and help others through theirs. I do it to ignore my own needs (self destructive, I know). Anyway, I'm really trying to be introspective with it all too, to better understand myself and my reactions. To figure out what to keep, what to change, and what to stop doing. I think that's part of why I'm writing this post tbh, because I need to try and process my thoughts and my emotions before I can figure out what to do or how to proceed. So, here goes.

 

I've been in the kink scene since I turned 18. I joined fetlife pretty quickly, and I wasn't particularly active until I was 19. I wasn't sure what I was into exactly, but I discovered ageplay and CGl through that. And "little" felt right. Felt like a good identifier when looking at myself, my habits, interests, ~play~ style. I started talking to my nesting partner (and Daddy) (mid 40s now) through fetlife (and then kik) mere months before turning 20. This was the first time he had explored ageplay and CGl at all, and he found himself really enthralled with the dynamic. We've been together ever since. We are both polyam, and within the LGBTQ+ community, and neither of those things have been an issue. He's identified for a long time as a switch, and eventually settled on hedonist.
The time I've spent with him has been great! He's a wonderful person, and I can't imagine even being where I am now without him. However, the dips and lows really are struggles. We both struggle significantly with our mental health, and our childhood traumas. I grew up with a narcissistic parent, and I am a depressed baby with a pretty bad anxious streak. He's depressed, anxious, and had adhd. I'm unmedicated, but will be starting therapy in a month or so. He's been medicated for a year-ish now and it adjusting until he finds the right combinations/dosages that work for him. So we're both doing better now with that, than we have in the past. 
I have found however, that our ~bedroom~ time is not meeting my needs or satisfying me nearly as much. We've had many discussions about this, and really, I think we're figuring it out in general. But, I'm really struggling with some things:

• I haven't been able to be vulnerable enough to get into littlespace in a year+ now. I miss it. But with that, our dynamic and roles have definitely been put on the backburner. I'm okay with that, as we were getting ourselves sorted mentally. In doing so, medications can have some effects on sex, and that's to be expected. He's finding himself much more up to the task as of late, and we're slowly being more flirtatious and physically intimate again, but I'm worried we're putting too much pressure on D/s and even DD/lg dynamics right now. Which leads me to
• I've always identified as a little, and a sub. But I've been struggling with uncertainty surrounding this. I feel like both are very large parts of my identity in and out of the kink community. But I find myself reevaluating things, and now I'm not so sure I want to stick with labels I felt fit me when I was 19/20. Part of that is because 
• I've really been feeling my attraction levels between men and women are changing. I'm used to having a preference one way or the other most of the time, but I'm finding myself more and more attracted to women than to men (will even go so far as to say that at this time, I don't want to be sexually or romantically involved with another man). This isn't something I've felt so strongly about since before I was 19. This leads me to my next point which is
• I very much want to experiment more with kink and with women. Preferably together. But I also want to be able to explore topping and domming more as well, which is something I'm concerned about as it's so out of my comfort zone, which also kind of leads me back to
• reevaluating the labels I use to identify myself within kink. I've had the same fet profile for 6 years (!!!) now and I so desperately want to delete and start anew. But I don't know if it would be more worth it to do that or to just continue on and use it as a "look at how much I've changed" kinda thing. And this leads me to
• wanting to reassess my sexual and otherwise dynamics with my Daddy. Like, he's always gonna be my Daddy, and I his Princess. I just want to maybe take a step back, and start with "what feels good" and what I'd like to see in regards to scenes or circumstances and not hold such rigid dynamics or roles, I guess. 

I suppose I want to be able to experiment and play around with my partner, without worrying like either of us are putting too much pressure on our sexual relationship. I'd love to really foster some kind of healthy dynamic (whatever that is-- DDlg, D/s, whatever) that isn't so rigid or at least, where we have more reasonable expectations of ourselves within it. But I also need that going forward in other relationships as well? See, I don't even know! 

 

Thanks for reading this far! Welcoming any insights or advice. If anyone has questions or needs clarifications because it's late and I'm rambly, please, lmk!

[Asani13]

Hello!

Thank you for sharing this! I think an honest conversation with your partner is definitely needed, but as I too have a narc parent, I understand how hard it is to voice opinion and feelings. I think since he has proven to be good to you, you can open up a bit more about the changes you are experiencing. You should embrace them. The you of 19 can't be the you of 24. Your body is changing and you have experienced way more of life. It's a new chapter for you so don't feel bad for changing your spots so speak. As for fetlife, i think you can keep the old one just to document your journey and make a new one for the purpose of exploring this new side of you. Good luck and huggies

 

Asani

[kaydawn]

@Asani13

 

Hey! Thank you so much for your insight! I know it's been months since I posted this, but I read your response pretty quickly. I spent some time thinking about it, and wrote out some important parts, and then had a nice long chat with Daddy. Things have been pretty great since (as great as life can be during a pandemic!) I think a big part of my problem is a often under communicate things when I really need to be doing the complete opposite. It's something I'm working on, and am very thankful my partner is allowing me the space to do that and the space to grow (in general, and directly related to my OP). 

 

I just wanted to say thank you and pop in to let ya know that I'm doing much better than I was 3 months ago. Thanks again!!