How can you communicate with others while having mental struggles?

[LeanBlaster]

Well since i was young my communication skills were always laking, may fault mostly because i was a kid that would be taking care of the youngers than making friends but after moving out when i was 10 i had no longer a choice and got isolated since i was from another country and didnt knew the language very well.

 

Thanks to that i got bullied and my communication skills got not much farther, when i reached 16 i had a relationship that lasted 3 years and a half and that she was a monster that cut any connection i had with the rest of the world and made me endure all kinds of abuses, those years ruined any communication skills i had and gave my many struggles as long with cptsd. 

 

Now i been trying to do my best but i can't hold a conversation i don't know why, it never gets far enough to even know anything about me, they either go silent after the first message or dont even go past it. When it goes past the first messages the chat goes easly from messaging normally to between long times (i know some people are busy don't worry xD) even if i respond within a minute or right after... Am i not interesting is it? i really struggle on what to do and it always hit on the head the "They dont talk to you because you are boring and that is why they take so much to reply and ignore you during the weekend" or "You are annoying and clingy" i just wanted to have company and give company, how do you guys do to have someone actually want to talk with you?

 

[LeeLee1]

Hi Lean,I’m new here,and I’m looking for ppl to talk to.Im more then happy to be friends ,and I really don’t mind any problems

Because I to have problems .

You need to just be you,and stop worrying about what other ppl are thinking.im so sorry you had such a rough time,but a lot of us have had a hard time in real life.I hope we both get to meet amazing ppl here.

[Vampiress]

I have trouble making friends, too. I think a lot of people here have various problems and that's okay. I've been very fortunate that there are some kind souls here who have taken it upon themselves to befriend me because I'm very shy (I might not come across this way in my posts because I'm straightforward, but one on one I'm super heckin' shy). Just put your best foot forward. A lot of conversations won't always work out but when you find the good ones that develop into friendships, they become worth all the effort. (Thank you so much to all the cool people here, I love you guys.)

[LeanBlaster]

Thank you LeeLee1 and Vampiress, i know everyone have their problems, people got it worst than me and i know that, i just cant help thinking the problem is in me when in one year i messed up every attempt i got or didnt.. 

 

But hey, i am kinda shy too so its okey i am glad people found you well Vampiress, and i hope everyone is doing alright >~< 

 

Anyone is welcome to message me, i will answer as soon as possible so be my guest LeeLee1 if you want!

 

But i gotta ask you do you guys always have something to talk about? xd

[Vampiress]

Thank you LeeLee1 and Vampiress, i know everyone have their problems, people got it worst than me and i know that, i just cant help thinking the problem is in me when in one year i messed up every attempt i got or didnt.. 

 

But hey, i am kinda shy too so its okey i am glad people found you well Vampiress, and i hope everyone is doing alright >~< 

 

Anyone is welcome to message me, i will answer as soon as possible so be my guest LeeLee1 if you want!

 

But i gotta ask you do you guys always have something to talk about? xd

 

No I'm pretty bad at finding things to talk about. I consider myself a poor conversationalist, but sometimes it comes a little more naturally with some people than others.

[LeanBlaster]

No I'm pretty bad at finding things to talk about. I consider myself a poor conversationalist, but sometimes it comes a little more naturally with some people than others.

Well then, that is alruight xd thank you! 

[Vampiress]

Vampiress, I'm so surprised to hear you're shy one-on-one! Yeah, your straightforwardness exudes a lot of confidence. But I guess I also kinda look up to everyone here cuz I'm still new XD

 

 

I'm super insecure and shy. Most interactions I've had with people in a message or discord DMs the conversation doesn't last unless they're a better conversationalist than me or if we find we have a ton in common right from the start. In the Discord servers from this forum I don't talk as much as some other people and may go days without saying anything sometimes. As for the chatroom on this site, more often than not I'll leave because I honestly have no idea what to say. With forum posting I at least have time to gather my thoughts and think my response over without having to worry about responding in a timely manner like you have to do in an active conversation.

Edited December 24, 2020 by Vampiress

[LeanBlaster]

Vampiress, I'm so surprised to hear you're shy one-on-one! Yeah, your straightforwardness exudes a lot of confidence. But I guess I also kinda look up to everyone here cuz I'm still new XD

 

Hi LeanBlaster! You seem like a sweetheart, and though I don't think we struggle with exactly the same issues (mine are mostly anxiety-related), but I'd love to offer some advice that has helped me!

• Early on in talking with new people, it can help keep conversations going by asking a lot of questions! (It helped me to realize a lot of people go into new conversations expecting an early phase of question-asking.) Asking about interests, hobbies, what they've been up to lately, recent TV shows or music they've discovered, pets they have, food they like (especially if you both like to cook!), favorite video games, stuff like that.

  For me personally, there are two things I always try to get out of the way early--I'm a trans woman, and I'm a huge stoner. Once I know people are chill about those two things, I usually know I can speak rather freely and honestly about who I am and what I'm up to.

  The key is to keep it light (let the other person bring up heavy topics if and when they want), and show genuine interest in learning about the other person. The goal isn't always to find the same things you like, but it's always to learn about the other person--and if there's something new they can teach/show you, it can be a great way to forge a bond!

• One thing your post has gotten me thinking about is that communicating in writing/over video/in person are all different things, and have different skillsets. I don't want to minimize your experiences or CPTSD at all, but you describe having issues with communication--and from my perspective, your communication skills on here seem perfectly fine! I feel like I've learned a bit about you, and that you're nice, and that you're genuinely seeking to connect with others. Those things aren't easy to communicate in writing! Also, it sounds from your background like you might be bilingual? If so, I'm sure it was torturous to get to that point, but I'd imagine that being bilingual brings many skills with it!

  I guess what I'm getting at is--it sounds like you may have some specific ideas about what your specific communication struggles are, but I'm not sure I know what they are. Are you struggling with communicating in person and/or over video chat right now too? I wanted to say that it does seem like you're chatting fine in writing with me and other folks on the forum here!

  Out of curiosity, have you ever spoken to a counselor/speech therapist/any professionals about your communication struggles? (I know access to services like that are always a potential issue, so I don't mean that in an accusatory or presumptive way at all!)

• As Vampiress said, you don't have to expect every new conversation to turn into a new friendship, or even necessarily be a long conversation! I think it exudes a certain confidence (and for me, gives me a certain comfort with my anxiety) to not even necessarily expect conversations to be anything more than a short, friendly interaction. Sometimes, it's just nice to get surface-level acquainted with people one-on-one, but still participate in community with them and learn about them that way. And, it's worth pointing out that we're in a text-based, asynchronous, virtual space--so in many ways, a lack of one-on-one message interactions doesn't necessarily mean you're being ignored, or that you're not part of the community!

  It really seems like you're doing the right things--being open and friendly and honest, and interacting with folks with good conversation in these threads. Is there something specific you're hoping to get out of one-on-one messaging right now that you're not getting from posting on the threads? (Again, not an accusatory question--but if there's something specific you want to get out of those conversations, maybe we can help!)

Sorry, I know this was really long and super-wordy. Lemme know if I was rambling non-sensibly anywhere, I'll try to fix it tomorrow XD

 

Woohoo, giant message ahahah, thank you its very sweet of you!

 

Well i will try to get my thought together and not get lost on what i want to put out this time ahahah. My main struggle is that i am always the one having to push the convo, if i dont do anything it goes blank because almost everytime the other person don't even try.. I struggle on one on one messages, personal and video chat honestly, on forums is a bit okey because like vampiress said we can take our time on our thoughts... because i freeze on what to ask, i go blank easly and end up without anything to ask about them... i always worry that i may look like who i am not since i have kind of a personality switch?(idk much health care and everything related here in my country is bad and i cant even attempt to get diagnosed... even less now *sigh*) anyway, i worry that they might think i am being fake, sometimes my being kind is taken as flirting too which caused me problems and ended up hurting 2 people( 2 boys that ended up liking me but the feeling wasnt mutual and i feel bad for not give beck the sentiment..).

Anything i was hoping from one on one that i am not getting from the threads? No, i am just asking this question to see what people could help because i am sure i must not be the only one... i barelly attempt one on one in here because almost no one is from my country and the ones that are either not answer or take months to answer again ahahah, and i think i prefer just answer threads and if anyone wants to talk with me they can add and message, at least that way i know they actually want to talk and i will not be the only one trying to chat? or i hope so? (till now no result ahahah) 

 

idk if i am answering everything asked or not, but i am doing my best i am sorry xd

 

oh! Yes i am bilingual, well actually i know french, spanish, portuguese and english, but i am not good on any, i guess english is actually the best one for me xd