I Feel Amshamed

[SecretDiary]

So, I entered the kink scene when I was younger (I'm currently 20). I saw some posts about CG/l and DDlg on ifunny, then I did some roleplaying, and like that, I was hooked. The idea of having someone to give me rules, care for me, and just generally guide me in life was extremely appealing, and still is. The problem is, between then and now, some things have happened that have tainted my perspective on kink in general, and specifically DDlg. I was sexually assaulted by someone who claimed to be a Daddy, which was obviously very traumatic. I was in little space when it happened, so since then I've had an extremely hard time with getting into and remaining in little space without having flashbacks or a panic attack. DDlg has also received a ton of criticism online and in real life these past few years, and a lot of the comments I've read/heard have stuck with me.
"DDlg is disgusting. It's normalising pedophilia. Claiming to be little is just an excuse to make someone else do everything for you. Wearing diapers makes you a freak. Pacifiers aren't cute, they're stupid."
I used to be very open about being a little, but now I hide it, even from myself. I can't even look at my bottle without feeling a twinge of shame. It took me MONTHS to use my pacifier around my current boyfriend, and it was because I was suffering a mental breakdown, and I needed something for comfort. Even then, I was extremely embarrassed, and begged him not to make fun of me. He still doesn't know over half of my kinks and preferences, and we've been together more than a year. I don't know how to let go of all of the negative emotions surrounding what used to be my favorite part of myself. My boyfriend isn't the problem at all. He is extremely supportive of me, and is willing to try almost anything, as long as it doesn't hurt me. I just can't bring myself to ask for any of it.

I'm mostly venting here, but if you have any advice, I'm open to it. I don't have health insurance at the moment, so unfortunately couseling/therapy would not be attainable.

[Theosia]

Hey, thank you for sharing a bit of your story. I think with everything that has happened, taking small steps when you're comfortable to will help you a lot. I'm still quite new to the whole DDLG community, but I talk it out with my Daddy all the time. He knows I'm still warming up with everything because it's what I want, but I still live with my family and they wouldn't understand it. I believe if you sit with your boyfriend and have the conversation with him about it, he would understand and be all  for it. Especially since you were able to bring your paci out around him and he didn't make fun of you. Again, go at your pace and find what makes you comfortable.

[SecretDiary]

Thanks Theosia, I'm sure you're right. I just need to scrape up the courage to have the talk. I've kind of skirted around the issue before, mentioning vague things that I like, and asking him to be a little more dominant. But I haven't sat him down and specifically said "I'm a little, here's what that means, and I want you to be my Daddy, and here's what that means." I have social anxiety and a fear of conflict, so I avoid these serious conversations like the plague. I've been trying to be better about communicating in general, but it's hard.

[Theosia]

Thanks Theosia, I'm sure you're right. I just need to scrape up the courage to have the talk. I've kind of skirted around the issue before, mentioning vague things that I like, and asking him to be a little more dominant. But I haven't sat him down and specifically said "I'm a little, here's what that means, and I want you to be my Daddy, and here's what that means." I have social anxiety and a fear of conflict, so I avoid these serious conversations like the plague. I've been trying to be better about communicating in general, but it's hard.

 

It's no problem! I used to be deathly afraid of accepting myself because I went through a lot of mental abuse and people criticizing DDLG related items, but I have a Little bestie who has proven to me time and time again that I am in fact a Little and that it's okay to be who I am. So I pushed through all my barriers and am now very happy to be who I am. All my close friends know and once I move out, my Daddy has planned for me to be who I wanna be in our future home. So, always look towards the future and see what could be when you're ready to bust down your barriers!   

[Guest Dandy Blob]

I'm so sorry to hear that you've had some bad experiences, that can definitely make it hard to open up in the future even if you want to.

 

My advice would be to take your time and don't rush into anything, even if it's just something you are doing on your own. If you are having a hard time being in little space that's okay, don't rush it and don't force it. Give yourself time to heal and adjust, and try easing yourself into things in small increments until it doesn't feel so horrible or hard anymore.

As for talking with your boyfriend, talking about these things face to face can be really difficult. Maybe try to write a list, or even a letter to him and ask him to read it and then you can both talk about it, or he can write down his response to you (whatever works best). Even starting the dialogue with, "I'd like to tell you some things, please try to keep an open mind & let me finish before you say anything" can be helpful if you are actually talking about it.

 

I have written notes for my boyfriend before when I know I will start crying if I voice it...I cry easily so it's hard to have a conversation when I know I will cry. So instead I write it out, and ask him to read it and then come talk to me when he is done. While he is reading it I usually go into another room and watch a show or movie that calms me down or distracts me...this also gives him a few minutes to compose himself if it's something unexpected or something that he might just need a few minutes to process, and it helps takes some of the stress off of you of sitting there anxiously as he reads it and trying to guess what he's thinking about. It gives you both a bit of space & time.

[SecretDiary]

Thanks for the suggestions, Apple Sauce Dandy! I agree, it's probably best if I take baby steps once I am ready. I'll think a bit about what I want to say, and then I'll try writing him a letter.

[Dino-Daddy]

Ehm If you have a boyfriend that is suportive that is so awesome, is he also your Daddy or do you want him to be? 
And indeed if just having a serious conversation is scarry,try to write it , or try to make it make it easier by doing it on video or a voice recording ..
but do it in your own time and pace and whenyou are comfortable with it. And maybe you cantell him not only about DDlg but all the other things you want and desire.
Since you said hes ok with everything as long as yu dont get hurt , sounds like he is solid gold 

just believe in yourself and your qualities and stay true to yourself

be good and safe

[SecretDiary]

Dino-Daddy, I call him Daddy sometimes, but he doesn't actually act like one. He's originally pretty vanilla and non dominant (not submissive, either), so he'll just spank me sometimes and call me babygirl once in a while. He doesn't talk like a Daddy, we don't have any rules, he doesn't baby me very much, and he doesn't ever really tell me what to do/not do.

[SecretDiary]

GayKitten, thanks, I actually haven't really thought about the long term processing time. Good suggestion, letting my partner know that it's okay to take their time. The anxious part of me usually sees someone not changing for me right away as them not accepting me. I need to remember that big changes do take time.