I don't know if I am "valid"(?)

[Guest Bellayesil]

I don't know where to go with this things and I've found you give minutes ago. So here it goes.

I'm (21f) has been into bdsm and ddlg things since I know my pussy is for fucking I've just recently (a few years back) found out what these topics are (I mean the names) but I'm not sure if I fit in?

I've never had a proper Dom or caregiver and the thing is I haven't met many in the community and have no one to ask. So yes I do love to let control go but I have pretty solid red lines and if I discover some along the way can I say no? And would I get in trouble for it? (I have dealt with abusive sexual encounters in my childhood so I am kinda scared to say no to sexual requests from my partner it's something I'm working on) and many many people like bruised bottoms and some very painful looking things and tbh as much as I love being dominated that much I hate pain that lasts and my skin is quite sensitive like I like pain I like being slapped and spanked but I could never handle a belt or maybe even too harsh spanking? And there aren't many information on this topic at least that I could find. Also I do not like diapers at all like I love being a 5 yo and I could be for the rest of my life but I don't like diapers and even if I'm little I still would like to have a saying in some decisions? And that's why I think I don't deserve to be "validated" because I'm a bit bratty and talk back and I can't handle with intense pain (the bar is quite low for me) or I don't like some parts of things do I deserve to be titled as a submissive or a little girl? Or am I just not one? Because I do know what I want but I want it differently than what's re-presented online.

(Second language learner sorry for mistakes) thank you for reading this much and I hope you can shine a little light to my path

[daddy'ssweetpea]

Honestly I'm sad you don't feel validated. You so are! Everyone is different and we all have our own preferences, there is no cookie cutter little. Just be you and when you find the right person they won't have a problem with any of those quirks. You don't have to be like others in this community to be part of it, you do you.

[MasterPhotog]

Just like everyone else, you're unique but special. You're exactly what consider yourself to be one without needing a validation or meeting a certain standard. Keep in mind that no two situations are same. 

[Guest Dandy Blob]

You are definitely still valid! I am sorry that you don't feel you are, but you always always are, even if when it doesn't feel like it.

 

As for saying no, it's always perfectly acceptable for you to say NO to anyone for any reason. If someone makes you feel bad for saying no, that to me is a red flag and a very clear sign to stay away. If you are saying no to someone that is you setting a boundary for YOURSELF, there is nothing wrong with saying no if you are not ready, or unsure, or just not interested, or if you just aren't feeling it that day, etc. I think boundaries are huge in any kind of relationship, friendship, between partners, between family members, employers & staff, etc. Personally if someone shows signs of not respecting my boundaries I am very wary in my contact with them from then on. If they try to push it again I let them know that I have my boundaries for a reason and if they don't respect it I will have to end the relationship, to me that is a deal breaker.

 

Sorry for that bit of a rant, I just think it's very important to stand up for yourself and have proper boundaries to protect yourself, especially in situations where you are trusting another party with your well being. (Like a daddy, master, etc)

Something that might help you to feel better about it all is to make a list. I am a fan of making lists, it allows me to toss down all my thoughts on a paper so I have this visual representation of all the mess in my head. Think of it as a pros & cons list type of deal. You can have a list of things that you like or want to try, and the other side could be things that you are wary about or don't want at all. This could be useful for you for setting boundaries in the future and just for having a list for yourself to see what you are into, and you can change the list as time goes on if you need to. This list might also help you to feel some validation, that you are a person and you like/dislike these certain things...and that's totally okay! We are all different people and no matter what anyone else tells you, it's okay to like/dislike what you want...and you don't ever owe anyone an explanation (imo). 

Another thing that could help you to feel validated is just learning a bit more about the things you are confused about. It sounds like you maybe don't feel validated because you are into some of this & some of that and it feels like you should be into more of this and less of that, etc. But as you'll find out here...you can be into many, many different things and even dislike many things and still be a part of something. You can LOVE pizza but not have to like every kind of pizza known to mankind. Just like you can be a little but not like ALL the things that other littles are into or could possibly be into.

 

I hope this all makes sense. Please feel free to reach out if you need to.

[Guest Bellayesil]

Thank you everyone for answering I think I have the answers I was looking for. Thank you for opening your arms to me too. I hope you all have glorious days

[Vampiress]

The great thing about this dynamic is that it isn't a rigid thing that you have to fit into in order to be considered a little. No two relationships are the same. You bring up things like spankings with harsh implements and pain threshold... not all Daddies and Dominants are sadists. Not all of them are going to want to use pain for discipline, and even if they do not all of them are comfortable with being really harsh. Regardless of what they want, you're allowed to create limits and boundaries for yourself that they must abide just as you must abide their own personal limits and boundaries. Saying 'no' is allowed and you should make use of safe words. If your future Dominant doesn't agree with this then that's a huge red flag and you should move on to someone else that cares enough about you and respects you to be considerate of your needs. Diapers are not a necessity at all. Not all littles are ABDL and some Dominants like wearing them. It's just individual preference but isn't something required for littles. And of course you can have a say in things! You should be allowed to have a voice to express yourself, and your Dominant will let you if they care about you and respect you. Negotiation and compromise is so important. You do not have to yield all control in your life to your Dominant unless you REALLY want to, but for most people it causes a lot of stress and mental harm. There are plenty of littles who are brats and there are Dominants who LOVE brats. Being a little is what YOU make it not what you see other people doing.