my first ddlg relationship, is this healthy?

[tinyjac]

hello. i apologize if this is longer than needed but i feel lost.

 

six months ago i meant a daddy dom and he was able to tap into the submissive side i have always had but never found the right person to open it up to. it didn't take me long to start regressing and while he is experienced as a daddy, i wound up being his first experience with a little who regresses.

 

overall the relationship has caused me to grow so much. i have made things in my life that were unhealthy before, healthy now. 95% of it has been positive and extraordinary.

 

the other 5% is toxic. i feel he gets into moods where he just has to find fault in me, often when he has been drinking too much. i feel i could respond to him in any way whatsoever and unless it's "yes daddy" i am wrong and i am being defiant. the problem is that i disagree with some of what he is saying during these moods and it's hard for me because there is no disagreeing with him. he feels how he feels about me in those times and i can't do anything about that.

 

i sometimes feel he is wrong about me but he feels this is just me trying to hold onto my dominance and not being willing to let go, which is probably true. he feels i try to guide the relationship too much which is true. i do want a say in everything and that is silly. i over communicate my needs and don't allow him the opportunity to show me that he can take care of me without my guiding him. he feels he isn't given the trust he deserves which is definitely true.

 

i guess my question is, is submission for the first time (i am naturally an extremely dominant personality) supposed to be this hard? the few nights he has kind of worn me down into eventual submission ended up being profound and they created such positive change in my life. submitting to him hasn't been easy but has had incredible results in my life. are there people who kind of needed to be broken into submission and is that healthy for some?

 

he has committed to learning more about littles who regress, especially as extensively as i do so he can learn to be a better caregiver for me. a caregiver is never something he has identified with. he has asked me to commit to being a better submissive for him.

 

i feel that despite the small portion of toxicity that i have chosen to accept, that i just have not been a good little at all. furthermore, if i am accepting that toxicity i guess it should be on me to accept it in the moment as well, after all i am the one who made the choice. i just have had a significant abusive relationship in my past and it makes me very scared when i feel myself kind of being worn into submission. i can't tell if it's unhealthy or if it's exactly what i need.

[RavenclawPrincess]

It's generally regarded as unsafe in the BDSM community to engage in D/s type of situations when someone is drinking or on drugs. It's pretty apparent to me that while he is an adult and is free to do as he pleases with his free time, you might be in need of a boundary that says when he is drinking that's "his time" and you should not be involved given how bad the situation ends up making you feel. It sounds to me like things are ok when he's sober, it's probably just best that you two engage in "me time" separately rather than engaging scenes or kink-based interactions together when he wants to drink. When that's the case you can take some time to yourself to do some self care or pampering, maybe even homework if he gives you any assignments.This is one thing you mentioned that majorly concerned me, so I wanted to explain this first and foremost despite the fact that it wasn't underlined as one of your questions. 

 

 

i guess my question is, is submission for the first time (i am naturally an extremely dominant personality) supposed to be this hard?

 

It can be very hard, yes. There's a LOT of trust that goes into a dynamic like this. You have to be able to learn to feel safe and ok to be vulnerable, and that takes time. I think part of the issue is how he interacts with you when he is drinking. It sounds like that in particular is a hindrance here. To some extent, and especially because this is a new relationship and new territory for the both of you, patience and consistency is key in establishing that trust. What I do not like is that he has to "wear you down" to get you to do what he wants. This is very manipulative and while it's good to have a partner that pushes you to try new things and work towards higher goals, this is an element that can get dangerous very quickly if not kept in check. I'm not suggesting that it is dangerous now, but it might help if you two talk and negotiate more before engaging in any activities/variations of submission that are scary or uncomfortable for you. Compliance is not genuine consent. The goal here is for you two to talk things over beforehand so that you are comfortable and feel safe to try something that you're hesitant about. You should be free to discuss whatever it is, ask as many questions as you want, and request any limits that you sincerely need to be in place beforehand. If everything is agreed upon beforehand and your CG keeps his end of the deal, this will help you hesitate less. It is so so so important to feel like you are in good hands and are free to submit without fear of being harmed in some way. If that's how you two are going about things it'll get easier and easier for you to submit more freely because the foundation of trust is there and he will have shown you that you're safe with him. 

 

are there people who kind of needed to be broken into submission and is that healthy for some?

 

To some degree yes, this can be normal. However, this should not be happening to extremes or to the point that you just flat out feel unsafe or excessively uncomfortable. Especially in the case of littles, with some things it's best to ease into anything that's too scary. Hard limits have to be respected without question, soft limits can be pushed at the CG or Dominant's discretion as long as it is consensual, and there's a middle ground where limits can be tested and pushed if negotiated beforehand so that it is done in a way that involves an agreed upon compromise between both parties. Some discomfort in this scenario is ok because stepping outside of our comfort zones is going to be uncomfortable by default, but it can't be excessive. This middle ground requires a lot more time and effort, and it's important that there is mutual input on how to go about that safely. It's ok to test and push limits (unless it is a hard limit, that is a no-go) in an attempt to grow both in a submissive role and as a couple, care just needs to be taken to do so correctly. I don't like the phrase "being broken into submission". At least to me as a little, that choice of words sounds very scary (as though you have to do what you're told without question or else you're going to get beaten up the wrong way or something) and doesn't quite line up with how most CGs operate. It's important to identify the areas where you need a more gentle approach so that you're eased into increasing the threshold for limits that are potentially flexible. Again, compliance is not consent. You two can absolutely work together and compromise so that when being pushed to try something new that's outside of your comfort zone, you feel safe and have the ability to enthusiastically consent to doing something slightly uncomfortable to please your CG or dominant. 

Edited August 25, 2020 by RavenclawPrincess

[junebug0325]

It's generally regarded as unsafe in the BDSM community to engage in D/s type of situations when someone is drinking or on drugs. It's pretty apparent to me that while he is an adult and is free to do as he pleases with his free time, you might be in need of a boundary that says when he is drinking that's "his time" and you should not be involved given how bad the situation ends up making you feel. It sounds to me like things are ok when he's sober, it's probably just best that you two engage in "me time" separately rather than engaging scenes or kink-based interactions together when he wants to drink. When that's the case you can take some time to yourself to do some self care or pampering, maybe even homework if he gives you any assignments.This is one thing you mentioned that majorly concerned me, so I wanted to explain this first and foremost despite the fact that it wasn't underlined as one of your questions. 

 

 

i guess my question is, is submission for the first time (i am naturally an extremely dominant personality) supposed to be this hard?

 

It can be very hard, yes. There's a LOT of trust that goes into a dynamic like this. You have to be able to learn to feel safe and ok to be vulnerable, and that takes time. I think part of the issue is how he interacts with you when he is drinking. It sounds like that in particular is a hindrance here. To some extent, and especially because this is a new relationship and new territory for the both of you, patience and consistency is key in establishing that trust. What I do not like is that he has to "wear you down" to get you to do what he wants. This is very manipulative and while it's good to have a partner that pushes you to try new things and work towards higher goals, this is an element that can get dangerous very quickly if not kept in check. I'm not suggesting that it is dangerous now, but it might help if you two talk and negotiate more before engaging in any activities/variations of submission that are scary or uncomfortable for you. Compliance is not genuine consent. The goal here is for you two to talk things over beforehand so that you are comfortable and feel safe to try something that you're hesitant about. You should be free to discuss whatever it is, ask as many questions as you want, and request any limits that you sincerely need to be in place beforehand. If everything is agreed upon beforehand and your CG keeps his end of the deal, this will help you hesitate less. It is so so so important to feel like you are in good hands and are free to submit without fear of being harmed in some way. If that's how you two are going about things it'll get easier and easier for you to submit more freely because the foundation of trust is there and he will have shown you that you're safe with him. 

 

are there people who kind of needed to be broken into submission and is that healthy for some?

 

To some degree yes, this can be normal. However, this should not be happening to extremes or to the point that you just flat out feel unsafe or excessively uncomfortable. Especially in the case of littles, with some things it's best to ease into anything that's too scary. Hard limits have to be respected without question, soft limits can be pushed at the CG or Dominant's discretion as long as it is consensual, and there's a middle ground where limits can be tested and pushed if negotiated beforehand so that it is done in a way that involves an agreed upon compromise between both parties. Some discomfort in this scenario is ok because stepping outside of our comfort zones is going to be uncomfortable by default, but it can't be excessive. This middle ground requires a lot more time and effort, and it's important that there is mutual input on how to go about that safely. It's ok to test and push limits (unless it is a hard limit, that is a no-go) in an attempt to grow both in a submissive role and as a couple, care just needs to be taken to do so correctly. I don't like the phrase "being broken into submission". At least to me as a little, that choice of words sounds very scary (as though you have to do what you're told without question or else you're going to get beaten up the wrong way or something) and doesn't quite line up with how most CGs operate. It's important to identify the areas where you need a more gentle approach so that you're eased into increasing the threshold for limits that are potentially flexible. Again, compliance is not consent. You two can absolutely work together and compromise so that when being pushed to try something new that's outside of your comfort zone, you feel safe and have the ability to enthusiastically consent to doing something slightly uncomfortable to please your CG or dominant. 

 

This response is near perfect. While I understand that people have the freedom to drink whenever they want, in terms of D/s style relationships it is generally frowned upon. This has to do with the safety of both parties. Even when not engaging in a scene, drinking can be a sore subject, and as you said, may lead to people acting out of the ordinary or saying things they don't mean, which can lead to communication issues. 

 

Have you tried to talk with him about this issue when he isn't drinking? What has he said in response? 

 

If you want to talk more, I'm always open to message with you! I hope this helps.

 

 

 

Junebug x.

[Vampiress]

x

Edited December 24, 2020 by Vampiress

[tinyjac]

It's generally regarded as unsafe in the BDSM community to engage in D/s type of situations when someone is drinking or on drugs. It's pretty apparent to me that while he is an adult and is free to do as he pleases with his free time, you might be in need of a boundary that says when he is drinking that's "his time" and you should not be involved given how bad the situation ends up making you feel. It sounds to me like things are ok when he's sober, it's probably just best that you two engage in "me time" separately rather than engaging scenes or kink-based interactions together when he wants to drink. When that's the case you can take some time to yourself to do some self care or pampering, maybe even homework if he gives you any assignments.This is one thing you mentioned that majorly concerned me, so I wanted to explain this first and foremost despite the fact that it wasn't underlined as one of your questions. 

 

 

i guess my question is, is submission for the first time (i am naturally an extremely dominant personality) supposed to be this hard?

 

It can be very hard, yes. There's a LOT of trust that goes into a dynamic like this. You have to be able to learn to feel safe and ok to be vulnerable, and that takes time. I think part of the issue is how he interacts with you when he is drinking. It sounds like that in particular is a hindrance here. To some extent, and especially because this is a new relationship and new territory for the both of you, patience and consistency is key in establishing that trust. What I do not like is that he has to "wear you down" to get you to do what he wants. This is very manipulative and while it's good to have a partner that pushes you to try new things and work towards higher goals, this is an element that can get dangerous very quickly if not kept in check. I'm not suggesting that it is dangerous now, but it might help if you two talk and negotiate more before engaging in any activities/variations of submission that are scary or uncomfortable for you. Compliance is not genuine consent. The goal here is for you two to talk things over beforehand so that you are comfortable and feel safe to try something that you're hesitant about. You should be free to discuss whatever it is, ask as many questions as you want, and request any limits that you sincerely need to be in place beforehand. If everything is agreed upon beforehand and your CG keeps his end of the deal, this will help you hesitate less. It is so so so important to feel like you are in good hands and are free to submit without fear of being harmed in some way. If that's how you two are going about things it'll get easier and easier for you to submit more freely because the foundation of trust is there and he will have shown you that you're safe with him. 

 

are there people who kind of needed to be broken into submission and is that healthy for some?

 

To some degree yes, this can be normal. However, this should not be happening to extremes or to the point that you just flat out feel unsafe or excessively uncomfortable. Especially in the case of littles, with some things it's best to ease into anything that's too scary. Hard limits have to be respected without question, soft limits can be pushed at the CG or Dominant's discretion as long as it is consensual, and there's a middle ground where limits can be tested and pushed if negotiated beforehand so that it is done in a way that involves an agreed upon compromise between both parties. Some discomfort in this scenario is ok because stepping outside of our comfort zones is going to be uncomfortable by default, but it can't be excessive. This middle ground requires a lot more time and effort, and it's important that there is mutual input on how to go about that safely. It's ok to test and push limits (unless it is a hard limit, that is a no-go) in an attempt to grow both in a submissive role and as a couple, care just needs to be taken to do so correctly. I don't like the phrase "being broken into submission". At least to me as a little, that choice of words sounds very scary (as though you have to do what you're told without question or else you're going to get beaten up the wrong way or something) and doesn't quite line up with how most CGs operate. It's important to identify the areas where you need a more gentle approach so that you're eased into increasing the threshold for limits that are potentially flexible. Again, compliance is not consent. You two can absolutely work together and compromise so that when being pushed to try something new that's outside of your comfort zone, you feel safe and have the ability to enthusiastically consent to doing something slightly uncomfortable to please your CG or dominant. 

i appreciate this response greatly.

 

i feel everything that you said makes sense and also helped me a good deal to analyze our relationship further. i will say that my use of the term "broken into submission" doesn't feel scary. i was worried about that term but am not sure of another way to put it. i do always feel physically safe to say no, i do not often feel understood. and me over explaining myself is actually a problem i have in other areas of my life so i think it's a fine line of communicating but also trusting that i don't need to explain and explain. maybe just feeling i can communicate clearly if he doesn't understand but also not assuming that he won't. essentially, a lot of what you said was extremely helpful and a lot of it i also already had been feeling so to hear it said back to me from someone with far more experience (i can only assume) helps me to feel a lot more comfortable and prepared to go down this journey. while obviously having some serious discussions about it continuing in a healthier way.

 

thank you so very much

[tinyjac]

This response is near perfect. While I understand that people have the freedom to drink whenever they want, in terms of D/s style relationships it is generally frowned upon. This has to do with the safety of both parties. Even when not engaging in a scene, drinking can be a sore subject, and as you said, may lead to people acting out of the ordinary or saying things they don't mean, which can lead to communication issues. 

 

Have you tried to talk with him about this issue when he isn't drinking? What has he said in response? 

 

If you want to talk more, I'm always open to message with you! I hope this helps.

 

 

 

Junebug x.

 

thank you! i have not yet talked to him about his drinking and have been hesitant to do so but i think the responses in this thread have convinced me that with moving forward that conversation is a necessity. we do have a 24/7 dynamic, are in love and spend about 50% of our time together (outside of careers of course) so to say he can't drink around me feels inappropriate to me personally. but i do feel it's a discussion to be had.

 

i think i am realizing that D/s just meant endless communication and discussions.

 

i really appreciate the encouragement and support!

 

 

 

 

i have said to him at times out of desperation "i just don't think i am the little for you". i completely agree that it is possible that we can't get over being simply not compatible. within the past couple of days we have decided to start over where i can put more effort into the submissive aspects of being a little and he can put more effort into being the caregiver that i need. i think we can all grow and change in our roles so i absolutely feel confident in trying. i just need to open my heart to the reality that it may not work, and our needs may not be able to be met by one another.

 

he has also comforted me with the same words you say, that it's okay to mourn what we had but that what we can build from here forward will be healthier and even more beautiful than what we had from the start.

 

 

 

 

 

-- and all of you mentioned that submission can be extremely hard and i think that is probably what i needed to hear most of all so i appreciate it so very much. whether it is with him or someone else, whether even as a little or in experimenting with other sides of me, how hard this has been has been very difficult for me to accept. i also think i will do some more research about what i called "being broken into submission" and maybe read some stories from women who feel that has been their experience or way to submission to see if that's something i can relate to. it feels to be what works for me, it doesn't feel unsafe in the moment, but i cannot seem to accept it for myself either i guess. so talking about this helped me to realize that too.

 

thank you all

[RainDoeSprinkles]

Hi TinyJac, I just want to encourage you to be very cautious about any relationship that makes you feel bad about yourself.  The thing that makes toxic relationships so hard to end, is that there is usually a lot of good along with the bad.  The good parts make a person feel like it is worthwhile to stay.  But in the meantime, there is damage being done.  Also, please be cautious about the drinking part.  If his drinking is affecting how he treats you, that is a red flag.  If this is happening already, early in the relationship, it will probably get worse, and I don't want you to be hurt.  I really believe that trust is earned.  I think in a healthy D/s dynamic, the Dominant will earn the submissive's trust by demonstrating, over time, that they are consistently loving, caring and supportive.  Consistency is key.  A Dominant who is changeable and unreliable in how they treat their partner has not proven themselves to be trusted with the priceless gift of your submission.  The extreme vulnerability of being in submission requires absolute, rock solid trustworthiness of the Dominant.  Please take good care of yourself.  You are loved!