Some long distance and general advice please?

[PrincessMerkitten]

Hello,

I really hope I am posting this in the right place!

 

I really really love my Daddy/boyfriend but I'm starting to feel he's becoming a bit distant. We started our relationship long distance and then moved in together and had been living together for over a year but I had to move away due to some family issues. I miss him terribly! :'( 

 

I felt like before I knew I had to move he was becoming a little distant and he wasn't really taking much care or notice of me. I understand we'd been in the same house together with the current situation and he obviously needed his own time and space that he would usually have while I was out at work. But I started to feel like I was getting in the way and on his nerves a lot. 

 

Now that I've moved back I feel like getting in touch with him is quite difficult and I understand he has his own life but sometimes he'll disappear for hours and won't even tell me he's busy. And I'm super busy since having to move away for a bit but I would still drop everything if he needed me, or at least shift things round to make time for him. I've been under a lot of stress and really needing him, but he's not really been able to provide me with the time I wish for, and I would understand, but a lot of the time he spends not replying to me he's online playing games all day with his friends. They talk to him more than me and I try not to show that I'm a bit jealous but underneath I really kind of am. 

 

Another thing is that after "intimate" things I tend to drop and need aftercare, but he kind of just leaves me and I end up crying myself to sleep and feeling lonely and it feels so so horrible. I did bring up to him that I would really like if he could have more time for me, but his reply was that I'm being unfair and making him feel guilty and he can't give me the time I want and it isn't fair of me to ask that of him. I feel really bad for asking for more time, but I really do wish I could have some of the time he spent with his friends spent on me instead of a 10 minute chat at night and a few sparse and long between messages throughout the day. 

 

Sorry for that rant but I wanted to give a little context before I asked some questions.

 

1. What are some ways to cope with a long distance relationship, especially when he can't make more time for me?

 

2. How can I still let him know I love and miss him without being annoying?

 

3. What are some ways I can look after myself when I drop and feel low and sad? What aftercare and general care can I do for myself when he doesn't have time?

 

Thank you if you read this and take the time to reply. I just really needed a bit of advice and I don't have anyone I can really talk to. I hope you all have a very lovely day or night!

Sunshine and Rainbows,

Princess Onyx 

[Kitten&Spice]

I am not to experienced on these things but I do know that in this day and age there is tons of sources and gifts you can have for long distance relationships! However it is extremely important to have communication. In situations; like a long distance relationship especially, without communication it can break apart a relationship and things will not grow. So maybe researching on some apps or gifts might help make things better.

 

Also time is important. He needs to make time for you just as you do for him. Rather that is watching a movie with you or you may also want to try playing a game with him! But it is important that you spend time with each other. Just a penny for thought but I always go by this quote:

 

“If someone really wants to see you, they will find a reason, they will find a way, and they will make the effort!”

 

And the last thing I can say about aftercare is that is a MUST!! The fact that he leaves you without any form of after care is completely selfish and cruel! Everyone needs aftercare! Even porn stars have aftercare! It is the best way for people to go back to normal and to relax! This is my opinion is the best time for him to spend genuine time with you! And I want to let you know that no one should ever be left alone and feel that bad after having “time” together. And if it was my choice I don’t think I would mess with anyone who lacks the compassion.

 

However I think some great things to do for aftercare is to simply find the things that relax you. Maybe a warm blanket and your favorite drink! It could be going out to eat ice cream! Cuddling, watching a movie, talking, back rubs! The list is endless! After care looks different based on the person and the activities taking place! But please do stress the importance of after care! Actually my favorite kink channel; WATTSTHESAFEWORD, did a video on aftercare and stress the importance on it! I would definitely watch that video to give you better ideas!

 

I do hope things go well for you but I am finding it hard to see a little being treated so poorly. Remember that there is plenty of other wonderful Doms and Daddies out there. And you do not have to be treated as anything less then a princess. If it is something you want to work on then go for it! But just know that I would tell him how he makes you feel and to tell him the hurt and what goes through your mind. If he gets upset really do evaluate on things ok! Hope all works out love!

[MasterPhotog]

I am not to experienced on these things but I do know that in this day and age there is tons of sources and gifts you can have for long distance relationships! However it is extremely important to have communication. In situations; like a long distance relationship especially, without communication it can break apart a relationship and things will not grow. So maybe researching on some apps or gifts might help make things better.

 

Also time is important. He needs to make time for you just as you do for him. Rather that is watching a movie with you or you may also want to try playing a game with him! But it is important that you spend time with each other. Just a penny for thought but I always go by this quote:

 

“If someone really wants to see you, they will find a reason, they will find a way, and they will make the effort!”

 

And the last thing I can say about aftercare is that is a MUST!! The fact that he leaves you without any form of after care is completely selfish and cruel! Everyone needs aftercare! Even porn stars have aftercare! It is the best way for people to go back to normal and to relax! This is my opinion is the best time for him to spend genuine time with you! And I want to let you know that no one should ever be left alone and feel that bad after having “time” together. And if it was my choice I don’t think I would mess with anyone who lacks the compassion.

 

However I think some great things to do for aftercare is to simply find the things that relax you. Maybe a warm blanket and your favorite drink! It could be going out to eat ice cream! Cuddling, watching a movie, talking, back rubs! The list is endless! After care looks different based on the person and the activities taking place! But please do stress the importance of after care! Actually my favorite kink channel; WATTSTHESAFEWORD, did a video on aftercare and stress the importance on it! I would definitely watch that video to give you better ideas!

 

I do hope things go well for you but I am finding it hard to see a little being treated so poorly. Remember that there is plenty of other wonderful Doms and Daddies out there. And you do not have to be treated as anything less then a princess. If it is something you want to work on then go for it! But just know that I would tell him how he makes you feel and to tell him the hurt and what goes through your mind. If he gets upset really do evaluate on things ok! Hope all works out love!

 

I fully agree with what PupAdrian has said. Good luck with everything. 

[Guest princesslovelace]

Aww sweetie I'm so so sorry you're going through all that he sounds like hes being awful you. Let me tell you one thing, I'm in a long distance relationship myself: hes in England and I'm in US. Long distance relationships are really difficult, but as long as theres communication,love and trust, there shouldn't be a problem. Tbh I think hes being rude when he disappears to play games with his friends and ignores you (or doesnt even say sorry for being gone too long). My boyfriend plays games with his friends too but he always apologizes for if hes gone too long. I saw a red flag when you mentioned that he doesnt care for you during aftercare after being intimate. Leaving you out to dry like that is not loving at all, he shouldn't even think about leaving until he knows you're taken cared of and comfortable.

 

I'm sorry but to me I'm seeing too many red flags here. And I honestly think HE'S the one being unfair and not you when it comes to spending more time together. Couples always want to spend as much time as they could together, not throw their partner to the side to hang out with their friends. It sounds like hes neglecting you and not really caring about your happiness. I reccomend talking to him about all of this. If one partner isnt happy,that means theres something wrong in the relationship.

 

I hope things work out for you in the end if you ever want to chat I'll be here for you ♡♡♡

Edited August 24, 2020 by PrincessRoseCandy

[Lancelot36]

You shouldnt feel like that if you feel like is not enough time is a problem you both have. I, sorry i look harsh, but ive been in a long distance relationship for 5 years with whom i thought it was my soulmate. And when one start to feel like the other part is not taking a good care, toxic things happens in both ways. So i think best thing is to confront that with him and see in wich point you both are.

But you shouldnt feel bad for needing him more maybe in an unconscious way you are pushing him away or he needs more space or he is being selfish. So i think instead of correct what you feel or your own needs you should talk openly  with him about them.

 

I hope i could help, english is not my mother language so it may sounds a bit chaotic

Best wishes and dont forget to enjoy life outside of the relationship thats also very important, growing in and out of it!

Peace and love

[Vampiress]

The simple answer to this is that communication is important. In a relationship you should be able to speak your mind and express your feelings, and the other person should be willing to hear you out and try to resolve the issue. So initially I would say you need to talk to him, and if he continues to react negatively then I'm sorry to say that at that point you'd know he isn't really interested in trying and doesn't care about your feelings and needs, and clearly his feelings and needs are different from yours. To answer your questions...

 

1.) It's not that he can't make time, it's that he won't and doesn't want to. If he has all this time for his friends and other things then he technically has time he can set aside for you, but is too selfish to bother knowing that you're hurting and in need. Long distance requires setting aside time specifically to make it work. Yes long distance does require some coping that should be worked on together as a pair, but you can't even do that when the other person isn't setting aside time for you. You're not just coping with long distance, more importantly you're trying to cope with being neglected overall. That's the main issue that needs to be resolved.

 

2.) You should be able to tell your partner that you love and miss them. If they find simple acts and words of affection and love to be annoying, then there's a problem. The problem isn't you, it's him. He shouldn't find your love and care to be an annoyance. I really honestly would question if this relationship is right for you if he can't even positively acknowledge you expressing your love.

 

3.) You shouldn't have to be providing your own after care. If he doesn't care enough to provide it and only wants sex, then maybe stop having sex wtih him. If he has time for sex, he has time for after care. If he can't bother with after care he doesn't deserve the sex. Sex should be an intimate act of love between the both of you, not just something for him to get what he wants and ignore your needs entirely.

I just honestly can't answer your questions the way you want them answered because you're trying to solve the wrong problems. A relationship is between two people, and it should be treated as a partnership with compromise and making time and effort towards the relationship. Once one person stops doing that it isn't the other person's responsibility to put in the extra work to keep it going.

[PrincessMerkitten]

I am not to experienced on these things but I do know that in this day and age there is tons of sources and gifts you can have for long distance relationships! However it is extremely important to have communication. In situations; like a long distance relationship especially, without communication it can break apart a relationship and things will not grow. So maybe researching on some apps or gifts might help make things better.

 

Also time is important. He needs to make time for you just as you do for him. Rather that is watching a movie with you or you may also want to try playing a game with him! But it is important that you spend time with each other. Just a penny for thought but I always go by this quote:

 

“If someone really wants to see you, they will find a reason, they will find a way, and they will make the effort!”

 

And the last thing I can say about aftercare is that is a MUST!! The fact that he leaves you without any form of after care is completely selfish and cruel! Everyone needs aftercare! Even porn stars have aftercare! It is the best way for people to go back to normal and to relax! This is my opinion is the best time for him to spend genuine time with you! And I want to let you know that no one should ever be left alone and feel that bad after having “time” together. And if it was my choice I don’t think I would mess with anyone who lacks the compassion.

 

However I think some great things to do for aftercare is to simply find the things that relax you. Maybe a warm blanket and your favorite drink! It could be going out to eat ice cream! Cuddling, watching a movie, talking, back rubs! The list is endless! After care looks different based on the person and the activities taking place! But please do stress the importance of after care! Actually my favorite kink channel; WATTSTHESAFEWORD, did a video on aftercare and stress the importance on it! I would definitely watch that video to give you better ideas!

 

I do hope things go well for you but I am finding it hard to see a little being treated so poorly. Remember that there is plenty of other wonderful Doms and Daddies out there. And you do not have to be treated as anything less then a princess. If it is something you want to work on then go for it! But just know that I would tell him how he makes you feel and to tell him the hurt and what goes through your mind. If he gets upset really do evaluate on things ok! Hope all works out love!

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply! It really helped!

[PrincessMerkitten]

I fully agree with what PupAdrian has said. Good luck with everything.

Thank you very much for your help!

[PrincessMerkitten]

Aww sweetie I'm so so sorry you're going through all that he sounds like hes being awful you. Let me tell you one thing, I'm in a long distance relationship myself: hes in England and I'm in US. Long distance relationships are really difficult, but as long as theres communication,love and trust, there shouldn't be a problem. Tbh I think hes being rude when he disappears to play games with his friends and ignores you (or doesnt even say sorry for being gone too long). My boyfriend plays games with his friends too but he always apologizes for if hes gone too long. I saw a red flag when you mentioned that he doesnt care for you during aftercare after being intimate. Leaving you out to dry like that is not loving at all, he shouldn't even think about leaving until he knows you're taken cared of and comfortable.

 

I'm sorry but to me I'm seeing too many red flags here. And I honestly think HE'S the one being unfair and not you when it comes to spending more time together. Couples always want to spend as much time as they could together, not throw their partner to the side to hang out with their friends. It sounds like hes neglecting you and not really caring about your happiness. I reccomend talking to him about all of this. If one partner isnt happy,that means theres something wrong in the relationship.

 

I hope things work out for you in the end if you ever want to chat I'll be here for you ♡♡♡

Thank you thank you thank you for taking the time to reply it was really helpful! I hope you have a lovely day!

[PrincessMerkitten]

You shouldnt feel like that if you feel like is not enough time is a problem you both have. I, sorry i look harsh, but ive been in a long distance relationship for 5 years with whom i thought it was my soulmate. And when one start to feel like the other part is not taking a good care, toxic things happens in both ways. So i think best thing is to confront that with him and see in wich point you both are.

But you shouldnt feel bad for needing him more maybe in an unconscious way you are pushing him away or he needs more space or he is being selfish. So i think instead of correct what you feel or your own needs you should talk openly with him about them.

 

I hope i could help, english is not my mother language so it may sounds a bit chaotic

Best wishes and dont forget to enjoy life outside of the relationship thats also very important, growing in and out of it!

Peace and love

Thank you for replying and helping! I hope you had a lovely day!

[PrincessMerkitten]

The simple answer to this is that communication is important. In a relationship you should be able to speak your mind and express your feelings, and the other person should be willing to hear you out and try to resolve the issue. So initially I would say you need to talk to him, and if he continues to react negatively then I'm sorry to say that at that point you'd know he isn't really interested in trying and doesn't care about your feelings and needs, and clearly his feelings and needs are different from yours. To answer your questions...

 

1.) It's not that he can't make time, it's that he won't and doesn't want to. If he has all this time for his friends and other things then he technically has time he can set aside for you, but is too selfish to bother knowing that you're hurting and in need. Long distance requires setting aside time specifically to make it work. Yes long distance does require some coping that should be worked on together as a pair, but you can't even do that when the other person isn't setting aside time for you. You're not just coping with long distance, more importantly you're trying to cope with being neglected overall. That's the main issue that needs to be resolved.

 

2.) You should be able to tell your partner that you love and miss them. If they find simple acts and words of affection and love to be annoying, then there's a problem. The problem isn't you, it's him. He shouldn't find your love and care to be an annoyance. I really honestly would question if this relationship is right for you if he can't even positively acknowledge you expressing your love.

 

3.) You shouldn't have to be providing your own after care. If he doesn't care enough to provide it and only wants sex, then maybe stop having sex wtih him. If he has time for sex, he has time for after care. If he can't bother with after care he doesn't deserve the sex. Sex should be an intimate act of love between the both of you, not just something for him to get what he wants and ignore your needs entirely.

 

I just honestly can't answer your questions the way you want them answered because you're trying to solve the wrong problems. A relationship is between two people, and it should be treated as a partnership with compromise and making time and effort towards the relationship. Once one person stops doing that it isn't the other person's responsibility to put in the extra work to keep it going.

Thank you really very much for taking the time to reply to me! And for such a detailed response! I really appreciate it! I have a lot to think about, thank you for your help! I hope you have a wonderful day!

[Vampiress]

Thank you really very much for taking the time to reply to me! And for such a detailed response! I really appreciate it! I have a lot to think about, thank you for your help! I hope you have a wonderful day!

 

You're welcome. I am sad to see you hurting so much and I really hope that you make a selfish decision for yourself and think about your needs and what you want out of a relationship. Your needs are valid and should be fulfilled, you aren't asking for too much at all.

[PrincessMerkitten]

You're welcome. I am sad to see you hurting so much and I really hope that you make a selfish decision for yourself and think about your needs and what you want out of a relationship. Your needs are valid and should be fulfilled, you aren't asking for too much at all.

Thank you for helping me understand my needs are valid! That really means more than you could ever know! Thank you really very much!

[littlekami]

I have a long distance caregiver who plays a lot of video games too. Sometimes when he's playing a game with his friends I can feel like he's off on a different planet and my little gets lonely and jealous. 

During those moments I try to use my own self soothing techniques. 

- I remember all the ways he shows me he cares about me, keeping in mind that people can show their love in different ways (love languages and stuff). 

- I'll watch him play while I do my own stuff (via streaming)

- Sometimes music really helps too, if I'm sad just feeling understood by music can put me into a better head space. 

- Cuddling with my stuffies and watching something funny or maybe something sweet and wholesome (sometimes I watch slice of life anime just because it can be so relaxing) 

 

My own self soothing is not a replacement for comfortable and open communication though.

Self soothing wouldn't work if his words corroborated by his actions didn't confirm how he felt about me, because to me that would mean the relationship just wasn't working. Actions can say what words don't. 

 

He always makes time for me later on. He always says goodnight to me and reminds me that he loves me. Sometimes he goes out of his way to change his schedule so that he can spend time with me. If I tell him that I miss him he makes more time for me. 

We both enjoy playing the same types of games too, and if someone intends to spend a lot of their time doing a certain thing you either need to be okay with it or be happy to join them when you can. 

 

Maybe there are ways your Daddy is showing you love that are going unnoticed? Based on your post it sounds like you feel uncared for based on his actions, and in this case the end result is what matters. The issues with aftercare stuck out to me the most, especially if you've been communicating with him already and he hasn't been receptive. 

 

 

On another note about video games:

They are a fantastic way to bring people together. 

They bring me and my cg together, and they bring my cg and his friends together - especially in the midst of global social distancing. 

Another aspect though is that many people use them to cope with anxiety or depression because they're such an great way to escape. Sometimes when I'm anxious I'm just trying to survive - that doesn't mean I don't care about the people around me. 

 

In either case, open communication is key and so is working together. Relationships work great when there's great teamwork. 

Edited August 25, 2020 by littlekami