A Small Update!

[Kitten&Spice]

I wanted to talk to everyone about my previous crush! Although we still talk it has reached a point where any interest I had in him previously is gone. I think he is a wonderful person but as what I desire from a partner he falls short. He refuses to talk to me about his feelings even when I have shown to him multiple times he can trust me. And when I ask how he feels he will immediately change subjects and ignore me.

 

I know this is something he does out of fear but at the same time it hurts me to the core. I have vocalized multiple times over these few months that I won’t leave and even told him that I would like him to communicate his feelings. Even mentioned that it hurts me when people don’t let me know what is going on. I can always tell when something is wrong and it drains me when I can’t just be there and do what I can to support them in that time. I worry and I cry trying to figure out what to do and it really does make me exhausted and even makes me physically sick.

 

And the most important part was when I attempted to test him. I know this is a dick move and I am sure most of you will see that I am wrong for doing this but it is something I do as a safety precaution. I don’t do this on purpose and by the time I have come to realize anything it has already happened.

 

I will elaborate. When I was severely hurt by my previous relationship I have found certain triggers to be extremely upsetting to me and I tend to dissociate due to it. I feel numb and even feel as if I am incapable of feeling. Like I am here but not. I can think but my body is locked up. When I begin to feel this way I immediately detach myself from the person. Regardless of the bond I have built with the person. These little test are things are ways for me to see if this person is just like my previous relationship. When I see that they react the same way I immediately back out before I get dragged into things again.

 

Now that I have elaborated this is where I will explain the “test”. I was in a horrible state of mind one day. I had my mom go on about how I wasn’t Christian. How all trans people go to hell and having her tell me she would be disgusted and never accept anyone like that it tore me apart. I had a severe panic attack and I attempted to talk to this guy( let’s name him D). I tried to seek a form of comfort or have him talk to me. Maybe even get a form of protection that I desire over anything. But in the end it was short answers. Things like “your fine” and “you will be leaving soon enough” I told him that I was scared and he just asked what for and every time he questioned me I felt invalid. I know he tried but when he said he had to go to bed and I need to do the same I couldn’t help but feel pushed off.

 

I felt as if I was there again. Back in those cold disgusting rooms with a person promising me they love me but deep down they only wanted me for their satisfaction. I wanted to try and look past it but the longer I talk to him the more I detach from every having a relationship with him. He is constantly getting offended by me and being negative. And it just terrifies me. I try to not see him as this person but every time he uses the same speech patterns I get terrified of him.

 

I know he isn’t the one but it seems like every-time I talk to someone they all turn into the same person. I don’t know what to do. I try not to be scared but even small text messages can make me shake and have a panic attack. I know he is detached from his emotions but just the way things are I just can’t see myself even being able to hug him. I am scared he will try and take advantage. That he will try and drag me down to a place I never want to feel or be again. I am terrified. I know he isn’t the type but it still scares me because there is always a possibility.

 

I tried to ignore the small petty and pathetic test I do but with every single one he failed the more it became evident to me that he was not someone I see a future with. I enjoy being friends and I enjoy talking to him but I know things will never go further. I also know that me coming out as trans to him affected things as well. He said it didn’t bother him but I could tell it did just by the way he talked to me. He changed his whole dynamic. Of course I can’t blame him for the way he reacted. I guess part of me wanted to believe that he wouldn’t change.

 

I apologize for the long post I just wanted to get all of this off my chest. I hate that I am like this and I know it is just a way I protect myself. I just don’t want people to ever feel that I am judging them or not giving them a chance. My mom even told me that I am not as bad as my sister. That if either of us has PTSD it would be her. I don’t want to really get into this one but I would like to know of any advice. And if I really need to go to counseling? I hope that one day I can get things fixed so I never being these things onto another person. But I have done this for so long I am scared that I won’t be able to ever protect myself if I do fix things.

Edited August 1, 2020 by LilPup :P

[Nymph]

You are not looking for a partner, you are looking for someone to heal you... and nobody can heal you but yourself, perhaps a therapy can offer some help and guidance and your partner can offer support for sure, but it sounds to me like you are setting the bar quite high. That person may exist but the average person cannot handle this much either on their own or in a relationship. Yes, I strongly suggest you seek counseling.

 

Don't feel too bad about your test, to certain extent we all do these things, some do it consciously and some not, some are jerks about it and some just genuinely need the peace of mind it will provide. My only concern about your test is that with it you are searching for someone who can deal with you like this on regular basis... do you want to stay like this forever? being afraid of panic attacks and having a panic attack due fear of not being able to feel? life is not one extreme or the other, you need to embrace it's up and downs.

 

I don't think dating is a good idea right now, you are just burning bridges at this point. I would focus on making friends, people you enjoy talking to and who you can vent to, people that you find fun/interesting and help you distract and help you see things from a different angle.

 

Also about your sister, I don't know her issues but there will always be someone worse than yourself, that does not means you don't need help, it just gives you a taste of where you are headed without it.

 

Sorry to hear your mom is one of those people talking about hell! on the bright side, if there is a hell and she goes to heaven at least you will be rid of her nagging XD which by itself sounds like a bit of heaven no? ^_~

[Kitten&Spice]

Thanks Nymph for the comment! I appreciate that you took the time to do so! And really I had no idea that this was my way of seeking help or showing that I wanted a person to fix me. I hate that this is what I am doing and really I never would expect another person to fix me in anyway. It is cruel of me to even do this and I feel awful that it is what I am doing without even realizing.

 

I also hated that I place high expectations on anyone. I always placed expectations I thought that if I could meet then it wasn’t bad to expect out of another person and really it’s awful that I did that to a lot of people. I really do feel horrible about that and will definitely do some more self evaluation from here out.

 

I have started counseling and going to be seeing my therapist again finally so hopefully she can give me some skills to handle things. I don’t believe medicine is really a must but if it is something I need to do then I will definitely do that! Especially to avoid troubling anyone. I just never realized how inconsiderate some of my thoughts were and I hope that with me seeing this counselor I can find better ways of handling things and to remove any form of high expectations!

 

I appreciate that you pointed out some serious flaws in how I think.

[Nymph]

For the record I do not think you are a horrible person, if I did I would just ignore you!

 

I do think some of your thoughts are a bit inconsiderate, but mostly to yourself. In the end who you affect the most is you after all, we tend to treat people either in a way we are used to be treated or how we wish we were treated, sometimes a mix of both. But everyone is so different, sometimes what seems like the most amazing thing for you, for the other person is not even something they would notice. If you haven't done the 5 love language test I suggest you do it even if you are not in a relationship so you start understanding why you handle things like you do and what is important to you, then consider reading the other four languages so you better understand the difference and how other people work and can communicate better, as well as being more kind to them and to yourself.

 

Medicine is not a must but certainly worth a try at some point, if you feel you are reaching that point, just remember that trying it doesn't mean you will need it forever and that the first option might not work for you but a second might.

[Kitten&Spice]

I understand Nymph! Thank you for the kind words! I try not to be a horrible person but of course I am my own worst critic! I see that you are a lovely and considerate person and I took your words as more of a push in the right direction! Like guidance and what I said is just how I saw myself! And it really opened my eyes on things. Of course I should have probably changed how I addressed myself but to me I never want to cause anyone the pain I had to deal with. And the thought that I was becoming the one thing I rejected and opposed the most is so disappointing to me.

 

I will definitely look into the love language and I appreciate that you gave me the source material! And thank you for taking time to send in a reply and for helping me! I appreciate it very much! And I will try my hardest to fix what needs to be fixed! Thank you!

Edited August 1, 2020 by LilPup :P