Ghosting is bad, stop ghosting!!

[MøMø]

Hello all of you wonderful people, I don't know if this is the right place to put this but it's just general discussion so here goes the fun trip about ghosting.

First of all, what is ghosting? I guess the simplest way of describing it is, the act of vanishing from someones life without explanation or reasoning. It could be for a few weeks, few months or forever. Over the past year these ghosters have been popping up alllllll over the place. But lets talk about it.

Now I understand why people think they have to ghost, maybe it's an emergency and it's a tough time in life, well that's fair and all but if you're involving yourself with someone that actually takes interests in you, whether as a lover or as a friend, it 's possible to just leave a message briefly explaining that you'll be gone for a while, people worry more when they don't know what's going on just for that person to randomly show back up two months later and try to make things okay again.

Ghosting is very hurtful in the long run, personally it's crippled me at times. Even in this past few months alone I've had two potentially good bonds and strong chemistrys broken because the other decided they did not want to talk to me any longer. I get that, if you don't want to talk to someone anymore romantically, or maybe even for you it just doesn't feel right or whatever reason. Just say it, come out with it, leaving people wondering what they possibly could have done wrong and not being able to self reflect on the situation leads to long term dating issues and anxiety. I don't know.....maybe I'm taking it to serious but it's really been nagging at me these past two weeks.

Personally my most recent ghosting experience, lets call her L for short, we had spent weeks talking and getting to know each other, i'm a dom and shes a sub and we had a lot of common interests and life views. Over all I thought it was great, I was actually planning on seeing if she wanted to take it to the next step and maybe define ourselfs as a couple or possible start planning to meet up in person one day. We were in a 6 hour long discord call and then poof, she's gone. Now I gave her a few days to reach back out to me, during this time frame it showed that she had been online, showed that she was playing other games, she had posted snapchats on her feed. It almost seemed like she was trying to tell me she didn't wanna talk to me but without actually facing me about it. I had tried to message her both the days she hasn't responded back, just simple goodmornings or goodnights, how are yous things like that. No response at all. I moved on from it but I couldn't help but blame myself, did I say something wrong? Did I not push the relationship quick enough? What was it? Was it even me? Does she just not feel the same way? Was it a lie to begin with? Who knows. 


I guess the best thing I could say is, for you people out there that are planning on ghosting someone....or are just anxious to say anything. Just friggen be open and honest. If the person isn't understanding, so what you don't need to continue talking to them once you've spoken your mind. Who knows, they could be understanding and it could end peacefully, I'm sure you'd feel a lot better about moving on from that situation. Anyway....sorry if this seems like a messy ramble but i had to get my mind off my chest. I hope you all have a good night!

[Vampiress]

This kinda behavior irritates the shit out of me. As someone who has social anxiety I still believe it's important to let someone know you don't want to talk anymore, with the exception of abusive/dangerous situations. It should be common courtesy, but this happens so often people make it seem like it's a huge inconvenience and not worth their time. The problem with these kind of people who ghost is that they're the exact same kind of people who will tell you they'll never do that, they're not that kind of person, and of course they'll tell you if it's not working out for some reason! Right. I wish more people would be more considerate of others, but all we can do is talk about it and hope that some people will come to the realization that it's wrong to ghost and cause someone that much stress, anxiety, and hurt because they can't be bothered to say something.

[Dangerously_Well]

I see the ghosting epidemic as (unfortunately) a symptom of the way society in general is heading.

 

Sitting at a screen to get your news, find entertainment, meet people we have all become some level of selfish. We have become used to controlling what we do, with almost no outside interference, that we are starting to loose the ability to react appropriately when someone or something does something that in our entitled view is a slight against us.

 

We (as a society) have become comfortable leaving anonymous often hurtful comments on things we don't agree with, being comfortable with polarized positions on anything and everything.

 

Many of us are now comfortable pretending to be another persona online, the married who say they are single, the straight who say they are gay, the male who say they are female. While many people tell them selves they do this "innocently" it is still deceitful, and of course there are those who pretend to be what they are not just to lead people on, and hurt them.

 

So when we think we are about to be caught out, when we think we have been slighted, when any form of criticism hurts our entitled sense of self, we take the selfish way out and pull the plug on that relationship, and in the DDlg dynamic, ghost someone.

 

We are victims of the self isolation caused by the proliferation of screens.

 

Remember meet real people, have tactile relationships, end relationships respectfully, and understand the difference.

[beanbean]

lol Ghosting is bad.but as long as you have people that only care about them .your going to get it i have been ghosted so many times at the end of the it affects how i think about me .and i start blaming me for everything .but it will never stop because its the easy way out

[Pupperoo]

Unfortunately this type of thing doesn't stop the people that ghost from doing so. They have already distanced themselves from relationships online and can easily press that button because they know they won't ever have to own up to that again as it he nature of ghosting. It sucks, but some people are simply assholes. 

It weirds me out so much that you got ghosted in the middle of a discord call. I mean, no matter what you could POSSIBLY had said in that call there was no reason for her to just up and go forever. How can we expect people to get better if we don't at least explain to them why we are cutting off the connection? All we do is send a problem to someone else, right?

So all in all I agree that it's a shit behavior and it needs to stop. No ghosting!

[beanbean]

lol you can be ghosted .i guess its my fault for being so damn ugly

[Satan]

I'm going to say as a female who has had guys flip shit and act crazy and threaten me for politely rejecting them, ghosting sometimes is safer than dealing with the fall out from an unstable guy. I'll take being a bitch over being dead.

[Nymph]

I'm with Satan

 

I would say instead of "stop ghosting" stop caring!

People who ghost don't do it to make you suffer, they do it because they probably couldn't find a nicer way to let you know you are not a match. There might be some exceptions here and there from narcisitic jerks and you shouldn't be playing along anyways, have some self respect/love.

 

I have had guys I wish I could keep as friends, so I hinted at first, then I was clear and then they just get clingy or even aggressive and they just don't get it.

 

You sound a bit inexperienced, it gets old after a while (from both sides).

[beanbean]

sometimes it can be called for yes

[beanbean]

but not all the time .some people that ghost are plain evil . i agree it fear for yourself that's a good reason for sure.but lets not pretend that's why most people do it

[LeftyGuitar]

I hate ghosting so much. So I agree that I wish ghosting would stop. You shouldn't do it unless you really need to. Like someone starts acting really crazy or something. If you're not interested in someone, tell them in a nice way, if they flip out, then yeah I can see how ghosting would come into play. I seriously think ghosting causes physological damage. If it happens often enough to someone.

[beanbean]

what Lefty says you don't want to be with me just say it .don't leave me thinking what the hell is wrong with me

[Pupperoo]

I'm with Satan

 

I would say instead of "stop ghosting" stop caring!

People who ghost don't do it to make you suffer, they do it because they probably couldn't find a nicer way to let you know you are not a match. There might be some exceptions here and there from narcisitic jerks and you shouldn't be playing along anyways, have some self respect/love.

 

I have had guys I wish I could keep as friends, so I hinted at first, then I was clear and then they just get clingy or even aggressive and they just don't get it.

 

You sound a bit inexperienced, it gets old after a while (from both sides).

While I agree with you, I also think that some times people are far too quick in making that judgement. It can be a few pm's back and forth and they're gone forever for no apparent reason. If you feel threatened, sure, just leave. But it's not very nice to judge people without having a proper conversation and just ditch them. Especially since they might've gotten excited that someone actually wanted to talk to them, and then that person just disappears. It's easier to be nice and polite than to not care about constant rejection.

[Guest Teasing Tink]

Ghosting is the easy way out. It spares the ghoster from what they perceive could be an uncomfortable confrontation. And if you don't have mutual friends or risk bumping into them offline, it leaves more incentive for them to do it. Usually it's out of self-preservation, passive aggression or some combination of the two. I've ghosted a couple of times (and then fixed my mistake) and also been ghosted by friends and lovers alike. Ironically (from what I've read on the subject), people who have been ghosted are more likely to ghost (though happened in reverse for me cuz karma? lol). In most of the cases I've been ghosted, I knew it wasn't personal, the friends were struggling with their own personal demons, so I didn't take it personally. It was only mildly frustrating and obviously I was concerned for their well-being as their friend. There was usually a pre-ghosting stage (warning sign) before it happened where they would start to ghost, and I'd pull them out of their shell (which temporarily helped) or just directly asked them if they were ghosting me and told them I respect their decision if they didn't want to be friends any more. Usually they say they aren't. I guess they don't intend to.

 

I've had a couple of people straight up tell me that they will never ghost me because it's happened to them and they know how much it hurts right before they proceeded to ghost me. And this is after I gave them multiple opportunities to say good-bye (to which they claim they don't want to). Some people are so very confusing (mixed messages) -- I guess because they aren't exactly self-aware. Whenever someone promises they won't ghost me now, I just think: I'll believe it when I see it. Actions speak louder than words and all that jazz. Being ghosted sucks. Supposedly it causes a person emotional pain that can be treated with pain killer. It can cause a person to question their self-worth (been there, done that). It may be easy for a ghoster to say "don't care" but it's not so easy when you've been very close to someone and bonded and they pull the rug out from under you. Sure, life goes on and whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Ultimately, I'm stronger and I get over these things, but at the same time, maybe people should learn how to communicate better or not be so cowardly (as a disclaimer: I'm not talking about abusive situations which is another story). We can all stand to give each other more grace (in my case, that means forgiving the ghosters for being their ghostly selves lol).

 

Ghosters will say they don't owe anyone an explanation or need to justify themselves. Sure, no one is entitled to an explanation but it sure is the kind thing to give someone closure if you can (even if we're all capable of creating our own) -- especially if you didn't just share idle chit chat and one or both of you got invested in the interaction, ya know? There's value in someone you've shared a significant amount of time with, who knows you well.  I don't think that's asking too much, but people are delicate sometimes (and I'm including myself in that statement). In the end, I think ghosters who ghost people who they've been close with wind up being the ones who are haunted -- haunted by all the things they never had the courage to say, haunted by all the people they've ghosted. People don't talk about the consequences from the other side. I think there's pain on both ends.

 

Okay, that's the end of my reflection/babble on ghosting lol. I'm sorry to anyone it's happened to. I feel your pain.

[MN_DD*]

While I see the points to both sides of this topic, I have to say that ghosting is one of many things that is tearing relationships and the people that want them apart.

 

I am a firm believer of giving 100% of myself to a relationship. You cannot go into a relationship or even the possibility of a relationship half assed or the result will be directly reflective of that intent.

 

If I don't feel "F*ck Yeah!" about a relationship or generally anything, then whats the point really?

 

When two people are looking for a partner online, they are getting up that courage to put themselves out there. Be vulnerable. They know going into it that, sure, they will be dismissed by many but will hopefully find "the one". I have found, myself included, that people who date online already have a degree of social anxiety.

 

Lets say DaddyMcDadderson is looking for love. He has a low to moderate level of social anxiety and thinks he found his place in the world here at ddlgforum. He follows all the rules and puts himself out there. He is super excited and cant wait to meet the little of his dreams. He meets Lilbunny who seems to be interested in the same things and starts to chat with him often. DaddyM is hapy and it feels natural and he pours humself into all of their chats.

 

One day, it all stops. No reason. No explanation. Nothing. Just gone.

 

DaddyM is not sure what he has done wrong and blames himself and starts self judging but he pulls himself up by the bootstraps and moves on.

 

After searching for a month, he finds a new friend DaddysGurl24. He goes into this fully, but has a nagging self doubt in the back of his head. After 3 days, poof, she disappears.

 

This pattern repeats a couple more time until he meets DaBabyBrat and she is PERFECT for him. But, unfortunately, DaddyM has been beat down. He is no longer giving himself as it keeps getting hacked away. He misses chats, he doesn't. open up to her. She thinks hes a flake and says goodbye....

 

It is a sad thing to see someone get broken like that. I totally understand that women have another variable in the creeps out there, I do. But, the nice guys have to suffer for that.

 

And if you are a daddy who is ghosting lil's.... You are just wrong. Period.

[MysticSand]

I think ghosting is all about timing, perception, is whether one is happy by themselves first to begin with.

As someone who forms very strong attachments very fast, I understand how easy it is to build up another person so quickly and then be torn down equally as quickly if they disappear.

With that said, it all begins with making sure that you yourself are okay being... by yourself! If someone's not happy enough with themselves when they're solo, then they should not be looking for a relationship.

(Why expect someone else to make you whole if you're not whole to begin with? That's just not fair to either parties.)

 

To the OP, that is weird as heck that she literally ghosted 6hrs into a call. What even.

But also, good riddance. If someone is okay doing that and going on about their life, is this someone you would really want to continue talking with?

I think the heart of your post is to know the 'why' which is a huge part of every ghosting situation and if helpful, think of the reason as they were not a decent enough person to tell you so.