DDlg Relationship Gone Bad - Am I A Bad Little?

[littlekami]

Hey everyone, 

 

I got myself in a bit of a mess and I don’t really have anyone to turn to who could understand. 

Please forgive me for it being long. I am so grateful to anyone who reads to the end and can give me some insight. 

 

I’ve been with my Daddy for 6 years, from when I was 18 and he was 40. One of our first nights together we discussed being polyamorous – and I think the fact that we didn’t further discuss what that meant became a huge issue later on. 

 

I was in a dark place in my life when we met, I felt like I was drowning, and he saved me. He taught me how to grow and how to adult in many areas of my life. I had anxiety and depression and I come from an abusive household and I FEEL molded. 

When we met he was also in a dark place too though, he broke up with his long time partner and was couch surfing. It benefited both of us to rent somewhere together. 

 

Fast-forward today; our relationship has completely deteriorated, and he’s telling me that I’m the asshole. I know that I can only provide my side of the story, however I seriously need some insight. 

 

As is natural when put in a healthier environment I think, I started to heal, I started to feel empowered and I could handle a lot of things. My little age started to change too, as did my sexual interests. He did not heal though, his mental and physical health has been degrading this whole time, and he’s suggesting that it’s my fault. He’s basically been asking me to put my healing and further growth on hold because his mental and physical health will deteriorate more. 

 

This is ultimately the thing that tipped the scales: 

We were poly, and me “growing up” and wanting some space to safely explore should have been okay based on my understanding of poly. When I began becoming interested in men my own age (or rather a specific person I felt marked by from my past, likely due to past trauma which I discussed here: more on that later) my Daddy said he wasn’t comfortable with it because his mental and physical health weren’t at a good place right now. I did my best to respect that, however I’ve been with this person for 6 years and his mental/physical health never actually improved – so I tried to compromise as much as I could. (more on this later) 

 

At some point he stopped contributing to bills at all and fell into depression. At that point I was paying all of our bills at a low paying full time job, and had been responsible for basically all the cleaning for the past 4 years or so (if I didn’t do it or initiate, it didn’t get done, and I’m sad to admit there were times it just didn’t get done). 

 

I would often need to “nag” him to shower, or brush his teeth, or wear clean clothes, or sleep. I watched him make decision after decision that ultimately had a negative consequence on his mental health.

IMPORTANT PLOT POINT: he has a huge debt, and he doesn’t think he can get a job because his wages would be garnished. I’ve watched him take on projects and “schemes” to make large amounts of money and then crumble under the stress, he just does it over and over again, becoming worse each time he half tries and then fails. 

 

I didn’t have any friends, and I didn’t feel like anyone outside of the fetish community could even really connect with me considering my only relationship in life is with my Daddy (I don’t have any family because of the abusive household thing). I don’t really know which way is up, but I feel really angry. 

 

All this stress of working full time and not having any friends and looking after someone was so much for me to handle. I began trying to explore sexually online, and I like having privacy but he never left the house, so it was like I was sneaking around. I was trying not to make him angry. 

One morning he had a medical issue and had to leave, and I spent days, weeks up until that point trying to nurse and help him. He went to have the issue taken care of, and that morning I was talking to a local kinkster who was around my age and he invited me out for coffee. Desperate for any type of social interaction I went, and I had a really nice time. 

When my Daddy found out he’s never let it go. He’s basically created this narrative that I’ve been trying to hurt him ever since. He’s comparing me to his ex-partners who gave him PTSD – they were also young and he was old when they met. 

 

Here’s where I’m maybe the asshole:

despite the fact that we started becoming incompatible in regards to be poly, and being equal at all, I didn’t be honest with him about it. I was scared for his mental health, his physical health, he’d be homeless if left. I love this person, and I couldn’t bear to watch them become homeless. Even now, when I’m so angry and confused with him I don’t want to see him be homeless, but he doesn’t have any money and his mental and physical health is just getting worse. He was also my only support network, so selfishly I clung onto that. 

 

Because it wasn’t as simple as asking for some space and him moving out, I slowly stopped compromising so much. I experimented with people online sometimes, without telling my Daddy. When I would tell him he’d tell me I wasn’t allowed to submit to anyone – but that’s my kink so I dunno what I was supposed to do. Eventually I went out a couple “dates” with a guy my age, it didn’t work out. My Daddy knew about it – but he was quietly not okay with it of course. This is where I’m the asshole I guess?

 

So here’s where the flood happened: 

When I was much younger I met what I consider to be my first caregiver. I never really got over him – in fact I would look for his features in every guy my own age. I’d dream about him sometimes. I told my Daddy about him in the past, and he was mostly silent. Eventually I expressed that it kept bothering me, especially as I felt I healed through certain stages of trauma and would arrive at a new stage, and my Daddy expressed concerns about how we were likely different people now, that I improved and took on greater challenges and I’d be settling for someone my own age basically. 

 

About a month ago the issue came up again, and I posted in this community for advice, and some of you kind folks encouraged me to message my “first caregiver” to see how it goes, otherwise I’d be stuck on the what ifs. 

 

I did, and we’ve been getting really close with each other ever since. 

 

The first night I talked about it with my Daddy he got very angry. He went all the way back to the time I went for coffee with someone while he had a medical issue and I think he’s saying that I’m “cucking him”. He’s also said things like: 

“If you go and visit him I won’t be here when you get back!” 

“If you think you have enough money to visit him you’re wrong and being irresponsible!” 

“You’re just looking for new dick because you’re bored of me” 

“Once you meet him you probably won’t even like him”

“You’ll get bored of him”

“Is he submitting to you!? you’re not submitting to him are you?”

“If I tied you up more this wouldn’t have happened!”

“You should test him! Make him meet you on the top of a mountain to see if he’s serious” (I’m only exaggerating a little bit I swear)

“One time my dad dated someone again that he used to date and it didn’t work out so you should be scared”

“You’re breaching our contract! I don’t get any consideration for these changes!”

“You were my last chance to have children”. 

 

He ended up breaking up with me. I didn’t really know how to defend myself, and he was saying some things I strongly disagreed with so I thought it might be for the best if we took some space. 

 

The next day he basically tried to pretend it didn’t happen, but I was clear that it did and that we could try to renegotiate something new. He’s still more of a dad to me than anyone else, so of course I would want that. 

 

Ever since we haven’t really talked much. Any conversation has been shallow or about the issues he’s having with his current project. 

He stopped sleeping properly though, and I noticed he started staying up really late just… fapping I think. I don’t really know what he did all night of course. 

At one point he stayed awake for about about 72 hours.

A few days after that (about two weeks ago) he started spending all of his free time talking with another little online, I later came to find out that they’ve shared very personal information with each other so they could “blackmail” each other if one person tried to hurt the other (!?). 

 

Fast forward just this weekend. I start getting sick feelings, and I think maybe I have food poisoning. It turns out I’m pregnant. We had sex one time I guess 3-4 weeks ago – it was after we had “broken up”. I’m probably an asshole for this too – I really don’t think I should have done it – obviously. Now I’m pregnant – I fortunately have great health care and I caught it super early so… you know, my body my choice and I’m not ready to be a mother. 

 

Upon finding out I was pregnant, I was anxious about telling my new long lost friend about this – because we’ve been having these feelings towards each other and I was worried this would hurt him. 

When I expressed my anxiety to my daddy he called my new friend a “simp” and said he wouldn’t mind with this sort of pompous attitude 

I don’t understand how someone can be poly, and call someone a simp for forgiving me for what’s happening right now. 

At that point I felt like I was being disrespectful to myself, and to my friend who was just disrespected as well, 

I told him that I did not want to have sex with him anymore,

 

At point he asked me what he gets from the relationship otherwise. 

When I explained to him that I didn’t view him as just sex, he said “yeah right” and said our entire relationship is built on sex, and if we don’t have sex then he has no reason to stay in the relationship. 

At that point I thought to myself “was it sex that’s keeping me paying the bills and not wanting you to be homeless??”

 

After that he accused me of manipulating him, gaslighting him, and triggering his PTSD and making his mental and physical health worse. He’s implied that I’m calculating the perfect moments to hurt him – when the truth is he’s constantly degrading in mental health. 

 

He's told me that I've just been pretending to be poly - meanwhile he's been asking me to not be poly. I'm so confused. 

 

He sent me a letter telling me that if I “slander” him to anyone (including saying the phrase “I’m concerned for him”) it’s evidence that I’m manipulative and malicious. 

 

That same night he hung out with his new little while I had the quietest panic attack I possibly could. I didn’t have any real privacy, it’s a small house. I feel like I smashed myself into a hundred pieces last night so that I could try to find myself in the rubble. 

 

He’s acting like I’m a bad person out to hurt him. I feel like he never actually loved me – but rather just wanted someone to mold. 

He was my only support network. Now I’m living in a house with someone I’m really angry at and I don’t know what to do. He’s treating me badly too. 

 

He’s suggested to me that he’s just going to do whatever I say because otherwise I’ll hurt him. He’ll agree to anything so I don’t hurt him. I’m not trying to hurt him, I feel like I’ve been trying to help without entirely compromising myself. He’s said the phrase “I’m showing my belly, please don’t hurt me”

 

I’m so confused and unsure of myself. 

 

Do you think I'm a bad little?

 

 

 

 

 

[Vampiress]

First I want to tell you that are you absolutely not a bad little.

 

You got into this relationship at a very young age with a much older man. He is extremely irresponsible for a person of his age, and someone who wants to be a Daddy and a Dominant. He has no control or responsibility in his own life, so how could he possibly think he was in a position to take on the responsibility of a little? I don't feel like he's ever been in the proper headspace to realistically think he had the ability to shape and mold you as a little, especially since it's the Dominant's duty to guide you to be the best person you can possibly be.

 

I will concede that it was probably not the best idea to hide anything from him. Relationships require communication and honesty, even when it's hard. I understand why you did it, though. He sounds very controlling and manipulative and you were feeling suffocated and smothered by everything he was doing so it's not something you should be criticized harshly over.

 

I think your biggest mistake here is enabling him. He has no job, he pays no bills, he doesn't contribute to the household whatsoever (like cleaning). What is his purpose there other than to leech off of you... not just your money and hard work, but also your mental and emotional health. This is what people call someone who is like an energy vampire just sucking the life out of you. He has no life of his own. He needs to get out and provide for himself. I think the best thing for you is to force him to move on. He has no right to continue to leech off of you. You've found a healthier potential relationship. He's moved on to someone else. Speaking of... that thing with him and the other little agreeing to allow blackmail between them is a MASSIVE red flag and SO dangerous. She shouldn't have agreed to that, and it's disgusting behavior. At this point you're not responsible for his mental or emotional health, nor are you responsible for his physical well-being or whether or not he ends up homeless. He hasn't been trying to get on his own two feet and be an independent person. If you feel really bad about it then set him up with some people who can help him, like a program... but make him get out ASAP. You've wasted years of your life on this. You have no freedom without being guilted over everything you do. You need to move on and grow on your own without the influence of this person who has no control or emotional maturity.

 

You can do better, so much better. The only thing you've done wrong is to let this person abuse and manipulate you and take advantage of you. It's time to make that stop.

 

Please contact me if you need to talk more privately, otherwise I'm happy to respond here as well. Just please do this for yourself and quit worrying about him.

[Satan]

You are not a bad little.

I don't think this situation has a black and white answer.

In my opinion the relationship is over, and by him being mentally abusive (because that's what it really seems like to me) it won't get better. He won't get better. You have done all you can at this point. You have 100% supported this person. He has a roof over his head and food because you work. He is a grow adult, he is not your responsibility. I would give him a few weeks to pack his things and find else where to live. Stick to the dead line you made. If he keeps putting you down and tearing you down it's not worth your own self esteem and mental well being to try and help him. He is a sinking ship and you don't need to be pulled down with him.

Edited July 13, 2020 by Satan

[Guest Dandy Blob]

I don't really see any part in this where you are a bad little, at all. 

 

Vampiress pretty much said the things I wanted to say, but much better. So I will just say that I completely agree with Vampiress. There were a few things that you maybe could have done differently, but when you are young you typically learn these things through relationships. The way you've explained him handling things is incredibly childish & manipulative and I am so sorry that you've had to deal with someone like that. I understand how hard it can be, especially when you don't know any better.

 

I think you need to get yourself away from him, permanently. If he hasn't changed in all this time, he will likely never change (and even if he does it might not actually be for the better). He is bringing you down by really despicable means, and that is not okay. You do deserve better, and you deserve to be with someone who will grow & work with you.

Edited July 13, 2020 by Apple Sauce Dandy

[DerbyNerd]

Hi there, 

 

First off and I cannot say this loudly enough ... YOU ARE NOT A BAD LITTLE OR A BAD PERSON! 

 

There is a lot to digest in this post so I'm going to make mine crazy long by posting the original in and responding in sections. 

 

---

 

Hey everyone, 

 

I got myself in a bit of a mess and I don’t really have anyone to turn to who could understand. 

Please forgive me for it being long. I am so grateful to anyone who reads to the end and can give me some insight. 

 

I’ve been with my Daddy for 6 years, from when I was 18 and he was 40. One of our first nights together we discussed being polyamorous – and I think the fact that we didn’t further discuss what that meant became a huge issue later on. Sounds like he purposefully avoided conversations; perhaps because he didn't truely want you to be poly but wanted to keep some advantages for himself if he chose to explore it.

 

I was in a dark place in my life when we met, I felt like I was drowning, and he saved me. He taught me how to grow and how to adult in many areas of my life. I had anxiety and depression and I come from an abusive household and I FEEL molded. 

When we met he was also in a dark place too though, he broke up with his long time partner and was couch surfing. It benefited both of us to rent somewhere together. It sounds like at the time he was a great lifeline for you - I'm glad he was able to provide you with the space you needed to heal and grow. 

 

Fast-forward today; our relationship has completely deteriorated, and he’s telling me that I’m the asshole. I know that I can only provide my side of the story, however I seriously need some insight. 

 

As is natural when put in a healthier environment I think, I started to heal, I started to feel empowered and I could handle a lot of things. My little age started to change too, as did my sexual interests. He did not heal though, his mental and physical health has been degrading this whole time, and he’s suggesting that it’s my fault. He’s basically been asking me to put my healing and further growth on hold because his mental and physical health will deteriorate more. Don't - just don't. Your healing, growth and life are so important. You cannot put them on hold or make yourself responsible for his mental and physical health. He's an adult and he has chosen to not get himself help. If he is wallowing in his issues then its not your job to hold life and limb together for him. 

 

This is ultimately the thing that tipped the scales: 

We were poly, and me “growing up” and wanting some space to safely explore should have been okay based on my understanding of poly. When I began becoming interested in men my own age (or rather a specific person I felt marked by from my past, likely due to past trauma which I discussed here: more on that later) my Daddy said he wasn’t comfortable with it because his mental and physical health weren’t at a good place right now. I did my best to respect that, however I’ve been with this person for 6 years and his mental/physical health never actually improved – so I tried to compromise as much as I could. (more on this later) 

 

At some point he stopped contributing to bills at all and fell into depression. At that point I was paying all of our bills at a low paying full time job, and had been responsible for basically all the cleaning for the past 4 years or so (if I didn’t do it or initiate, it didn’t get done, and I’m sad to admit there were times it just didn’t get done). 

 

I would often need to “nag” him to shower, or brush his teeth, or wear clean clothes, or sleep. I watched him make decision after decision that ultimately had a negative consequence on his mental health.

IMPORTANT PLOT POINT: he has a huge debt, and he doesn’t think he can get a job because his wages would be garnished. I’ve watched him take on projects and “schemes” to make large amounts of money and then crumble under the stress, he just does it over and over again, becoming worse each time he half tries and then fails. If you're having to nag him to do basic self care I can only assume he's also not taking care of your little side which is so not fair on you and you deserve better. 

 

I didn’t have any friends, and I didn’t feel like anyone outside of the fetish community could even really connect with me considering my only relationship in life is with my Daddy (I don’t have any family because of the abusive household thing). I don’t really know which way is up, but I feel really angry. 

 

All this stress of working full time and not having any friends and looking after someone was so much for me to handle. I began trying to explore sexually online, and I like having privacy but he never left the house, so it was like I was sneaking around. I was trying not to make him angry. 

One morning he had a medical issue and had to leave, and I spent days, weeks up until that point trying to nurse and help him. He went to have the issue taken care of, and that morning I was talking to a local kinkster who was around my age and he invited me out for coffee. Desperate for any type of social interaction I went, and I had a really nice time. 

When my Daddy found out he’s never let it go. He’s basically created this narrative that I’ve been trying to hurt him ever since. He’s comparing me to his ex-partners who gave him PTSD – they were also young and he was old when they met. Nup, this is just straight up manipulation. He's well aware that you are poly and at the outset said he was alright with it. He doesn't get to put rules on you being poly or limit your exploration; especially if its taken you a long time and a lot of work to get to a place where you are comfortable to explore. If he was different you wouldn't have felt the need to 'sneak' around; to me it sounds like you had to because you knew his reaction would be super negative and you're already dealing with way more of that then you need to. 

 

Here’s where I’m maybe the asshole:

despite the fact that we started becoming incompatible in regards to be poly, and being equal at all, I didn’t be honest with him about it. I was scared for his mental health, his physical health, he’d be homeless if left. I love this person, and I couldn’t bear to watch them become homeless. Even now, when I’m so angry and confused with him I don’t want to see him be homeless, but he doesn’t have any money and his mental and physical health is just getting worse. He was also my only support network, so selfishly I clung onto that. You're trying your best in a terrible situation; 100% not the asshole. It's not selfish to cling to support if that is all you have; it's basic human survival instinct. 

 

Because it wasn’t as simple as asking for some space and him moving out, I slowly stopped compromising so much. I experimented with people online sometimes, without telling my Daddy. When I would tell him he’d tell me I wasn’t allowed to submit to anyone – but that’s my kink so I dunno what I was supposed to do. Eventually I went out a couple “dates” with a guy my age, it didn’t work out. My Daddy knew about it – but he was quietly not okay with it of course. This is where I’m the asshole I guess? Nup, you felt unable to tell him because of negative reactions. If he was different you would have shared openly by the sounds. Protecting yourself from verbal abuse and manipulation doesn't make you the asshole.

 

So here’s where the flood happened: 

When I was much younger I met what I consider to be my first caregiver. I never really got over him – in fact I would look for his features in every guy my own age. I’d dream about him sometimes. I told my Daddy about him in the past, and he was mostly silent. Eventually I expressed that it kept bothering me, especially as I felt I healed through certain stages of trauma and would arrive at a new stage, and my Daddy expressed concerns about how we were likely different people now, that I improved and took on greater challenges and I’d be settling for someone my own age basically. Sounds like some subtle manipulation there, he doesn't want you to leave. 

 

About a month ago the issue came up again, and I posted in this community for advice, and some of you kind folks encouraged me to message my “first caregiver” to see how it goes, otherwise I’d be stuck on the what ifs. 

 

I did, and we’ve been getting really close with each other ever since. Yay! This is a big step for you and should be celebrated. 

 

The first night I talked about it with my Daddy he got very angry. He went all the way back to the time I went for coffee with someone while he had a medical issue and I think he’s saying that I’m “cucking him”. He’s also said things like: 

“If you go and visit him I won’t be here when you get back!” 

“If you think you have enough money to visit him you’re wrong and being irresponsible!” 

“You’re just looking for new dick because you’re bored of me” 

“Once you meet him you probably won’t even like him”

“You’ll get bored of him”

“Is he submitting to you!? you’re not submitting to him are you?”

“If I tied you up more this wouldn’t have happened!”

“You should test him! Make him meet you on the top of a mountain to see if he’s serious” (I’m only exaggerating a little bit I swear)

“One time my dad dated someone again that he used to date and it didn’t work out so you should be scared”

“You’re breaching our contract! I don’t get any consideration for these changes!”

“You were my last chance to have children”. 

ALL bullshit manipulation! To my understanding someone who is truely poly and supportive of their partner being poly would never say crap like this. 

 

He ended up breaking up with me. I didn’t really know how to defend myself, and he was saying some things I strongly disagreed with so I thought it might be for the best if we took some space. 

 

The next day he basically tried to pretend it didn’t happen, but I was clear that it did and that we could try to renegotiate something new. He’s still more of a dad to me than anyone else, so of course I would want that. Good on you! It sounds like its so hard to stay strong. You're amazing. 

 

Ever since we haven’t really talked much. Any conversation has been shallow or about the issues he’s having with his current project. 

He stopped sleeping properly though, and I noticed he started staying up really late just… fapping I think. I don’t really know what he did all night of course. 

At one point he stayed awake for about about 72 hours.

A few days after that (about two weeks ago) he started spending all of his free time talking with another little online, I later came to find out that they’ve shared very personal information with each other so they could “blackmail” each other if one person tried to hurt the other (!?). Yikes, thats all I can say. 

 

Fast forward just this weekend. I start getting sick feelings, and I think maybe I have food poisoning. It turns out I’m pregnant. We had sex one time I guess 3-4 weeks ago – it was after we had “broken up”. I’m probably an asshole for this too – I really don’t think I should have done it – obviously. Now I’m pregnant – I fortunately have great health care and I caught it super early so… you know, my body my choice and I’m not ready to be a mother. One again good on you! 

 

Upon finding out I was pregnant, I was anxious about telling my new long lost friend about this – because we’ve been having these feelings towards each other and I was worried this would hurt him. 

When I expressed my anxiety to my daddy he called my new friend a “simp” and said he wouldn’t mind with this sort of pompous attitude 

I don’t understand how someone can be poly, and call someone a simp for forgiving me for what’s happening right now. 

At that point I felt like I was being disrespectful to myself, and to my friend who was just disrespected as well, 

I told him that I did not want to have sex with him anymore, You go girl. 

 

At point he asked me what he gets from the relationship otherwise. 

When I explained to him that I didn’t view him as just sex, he said “yeah right” and said our entire relationship is built on sex, and if we don’t have sex then he has no reason to stay in the relationship. 

At that point I thought to myself “was it sex that’s keeping me paying the bills and not wanting you to be homeless??” Once again yikes! I think this gives us a pretty clear picture of how he thinks about you and its not good. 

 

After that he accused me of manipulating him, gaslighting him, and triggering his PTSD and making his mental and physical health worse. He’s implied that I’m calculating the perfect moments to hurt him – when the truth is he’s constantly degrading in mental health. Classic manipulation and gaslighting from his end. 

 

He's told me that I've just been pretending to be poly - meanwhile he's been asking me to not be poly. I'm so confused. You deserve to explore those feelings with support, sounds like he just doesn't want you to be poly because you'll realise that theres someone(s) out there that will actually meet your needs without any of the other drama. 

 

He sent me a letter telling me that if I “slander” him to anyone (including saying the phrase “I’m concerned for him”) it’s evidence that I’m manipulative and malicious. Manipulation and gaslighting. 

 

That same night he hung out with his new little while I had the quietest panic attack I possibly could. I didn’t have any real privacy, it’s a small house. I feel like I smashed myself into a hundred pieces last night so that I could try to find myself in the rubble. What shitty behaviour! 

 

He’s acting like I’m a bad person out to hurt him. I feel like he never actually loved me – but rather just wanted someone to mold. 

He was my only support network. Now I’m living in a house with someone I’m really angry at and I don’t know what to do. He’s treating me badly too. Change the situation, it sounds like this is no good for you. You NEED to take care of yourself right now. You've been putting him first for too long. 

 

He’s suggested to me that he’s just going to do whatever I say because otherwise I’ll hurt him. He’ll agree to anything so I don’t hurt him. I’m not trying to hurt him, I feel like I’ve been trying to help without entirely compromising myself. He’s said the phrase “I’m showing my belly, please don’t hurt me” Urg, more manipulation. You're not out to hurt him on purpose, he's trying to get you to give up your needs.

 

I’m so confused and unsure of myself. 

 

Do you think I'm a bad little? Refer to my very first point, but I'll also say it again. YOU ARE NOT A BAD LITTLE OR A BAD PERSON.

[junebug0325]

First I want to tell you that are you absolutely not a bad little.

 

You got into this relationship at a very young age with a much older man. He is extremely irresponsible for a person of his age, and someone who wants to be a Daddy and a Dominant. He has no control or responsibility in his own life, so how could he possibly think he was in a position to take on the responsibility of a little? I don't feel like he's ever been in the proper headspace to realistically think he had the ability to shape and mold you as a little, especially since it's the Dominant's duty to guide you to be the best person you can possibly be.

 

I will concede that it was probably not the best idea to hide anything from him. Relationships require communication and honesty, even when it's hard. I understand why you did it, though. He sounds very controlling and manipulative and you were feeling suffocated and smothered by everything he was doing so it's not something you should be criticized harshly over.

 

I think your biggest mistake here is enabling him. He has no job, he pays no bills, he doesn't contribute to the household whatsoever (like cleaning). What is his purpose there other than to leech off of you... not just your money and hard work, but also your mental and emotional health. This is what people call someone who is like an energy vampire just sucking the life out of you. He has no life of his own. He needs to get out and provide for himself. I think the best thing for you is to force him to move on. He has no right to continue to leech off of you. You've found a healthier potential relationship. He's moved on to someone else. Speaking of... that thing with him and the other little agreeing to allow blackmail between them is a MASSIVE red flag and SO dangerous. She shouldn't have agreed to that, and it's disgusting behavior. At this point you're not responsible for his mental or emotional health, nor are you responsible for his physical well-being or whether or not he ends up homeless. He hasn't been trying to get on his own two feet and be an independent person. If you feel really bad about it then set him up with some people who can help him, like a program... but make him get out ASAP. You've wasted years of your life on this. You have no freedom without being guilted over everything you do. You need to move on and grow on your own without the influence of this person who has no control or emotional maturity.

 

You can do better, so much better. The only thing you've done wrong is to let this person abuse and manipulate you and take advantage of you. It's time to make that stop.

 

Please contact me if you need to talk more privately, otherwise I'm happy to respond here as well. Just please do this for yourself and quit worrying about him.

 

I agree with this comment 100%. From what I'm hearing from your story, there is nothing you could have done better. He is emotionally and mentally abusing you and leeching off of you to keep a roof over his head so he doesn't have to work. He is not your responsability, he is a grown man. 

 

I would try to get him to see a therapist or try to get him to join a program, while you give him enough time to pack his things and try to find another place to stay, whether it be with a friend or a family member. In my experience, I don't think he is going to leave easily, so you might also want to look into the steps of having an eviction notice ready. If he's not on a lease with you, then it shouldn't be a problem.

 

I also just want to say, that I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It can be hard to leave someone who you have known for a long time, especially in a romatic relationship like this one. Just know, that there are many people routing for you, and if you ever need more advice or just someone to talk to, my messages are always open.

 

 

 

 

 

Junebug x

[Vampiress]

I want to add... like others said, he's probably not going to change. If he does, it won't be with you. You two have been together for too long, you've enabled him for too long. At this point he literally feels he has no reason to get his shit together and make himself a better person. This isn't about you, though. It's not that you're not worth it. He just has some major issues that are beyond your help. He has to pull himself back up and figure himself out. You can only help a person so much. You can lead them to the right things but they have to have that inner fire and desire to do better and be better. He's been lacking that for longer than you've known him, and you can't give him that drive. He has to want it for himself, and he doesn't seem to want it or care. He just wants to be held up just enough to not drown at your own detriment. This has been a massive cost on your mental and emotional health. Relationships are an exchange between two people. There should be some equivalent give and take.... but between the two of you it sounds like you have been doing all the giving and he does all the taking. He's not only in debt financially, he's in massive debt to you on so many levels and I think it's too far gone for him to ever make that up to you, and even if he tried I would think it's too late. He's done a lot of damage and I'm sure you're going to be dealing with the effects of how he's treated you for years to come... so now is the time to cut loose and start the path to healing and personal growth without all that dead weight holding you back.

[Nymph]

I think it's hilarious he used the term gaslighting as this is exactly what he is doing to you.

 

He is a narcissistic jerk.

 

Not surprised at all he looked for another young fool to replace you, he will use this new girl no doubt so no worries about him being homeless.

 

Sure, it was not ideal that you snuck around but you did try to sort things out before this and tried to give him time too. The only part that you did wrong is to think he really won't find someone else to take care of him, he is a leech, it's in his nature. Let someone else to deal with that problem!!

 

It's good that you are thankful for him and acknowledge he helped you grow, in fact once you are on your own you will realize that without that burden being on your own is a breeze and that you should look for someone who ads to the relationship and not just take. Be ready for the fact this guy is not likely to ever be happy for you or thankful of all you gave him, also you may find once you have had some space and more comfortable with yourself that you were forced to adult big time so maybe your little side just needed to recharge.

 

I agree with the other posts except with Junebug on the part to give him time to pack his things and get some help, pack his things yourself and let him back to couch surfing because that will not get done otherwise and you will be stuck with him. With covid is a bit harder but luckily he already started looking for alternatives (that new girl and probably at least a back up or two) so don't budge and let him know you are serious. Try to give him as much privacy as he needs so he can find a place to stay at least temporarily without making it obvious you are concerned about it if that makes sense.

 

Once he moves out then do mention he needs to seek help and that you wish him the best.

[SweetCuriosity]

This whole thing screams toxic relationship. You seem to have reversed roles at some point and have become his caregiver. You're enabling him by providing a comfortable living without asking him to put in the effort to work or help around the house. He's much older than you and he lived 40 years without you, he'll be fine on his own. He'll go back to couch surfing until he gets on his feet or maybe moves in with a new little he can leach off of. You need to either get out of there or tell him to go. Give him 30 days in writing and have him evicted if needed. He probably won't believe you until the time comes. I had a similar situation but it was with my real dad. I supported him for years because he fell into depression. I had to see a therapist for my anxiety and she told me that I was enabling him because of my fear that he wouldn't be ok. I felt like an ass but I told him to get out. I gave him 3 months and he finally did go. It's been years now and we hardly speak but he's had a job and his own place since he left. This is a man in his 60s who hadn't worked for 20 years. I started supporting a family of 7 when I was in high school. It's difficult but you're not responsible for this man. He's seeing a new little and you're exploring your options so this is a good turning point. Start fresh and dish out some hard love and a slap of responsibility. Don't stay in a toxic relationship out of guilt. He helped you, be thankful but realize that you're not eternally indebted to him. You supported him for years, he should be thankful for that too.

[MissPattch]

Before i start talking about the abusive situation, firstly, he is an adult. If he has enough mental faculty to find a sofa to surf, then he has enough to deal with finding somewhere of his own if you decide to leave this toxic relationship. I understand entirely the thought process behind not wanting to "abandon" him to his fate, but you are, at least in the beginning, a partnership. Unless you are his actual registered nurse / care giver, his mental and physical health are not your responsibility. 

 

Like curiosity said above, he survived for 40 years before you, he WILL survive after you, if you decide to leave. I don't have any knowledge of poly relationships, so i can't really advise on that score. But people do change and grow, and our needs in a partner develop with us. Its great that you found somebody that was there for you when you needed that level of support, but you've changed now, so if you wish to move on in your life and find somebody who better fits with your current situation, there's no shame in that. You aren't bad for wanting to find somebody who treats you the way you want to be treated. It doesn't make you a bad person just because you are ready to  move on and this 40 year old man is not.

 

You seem to know whats actually going on, so i'm pretty sure you know what you need to do, and somewhere deep inside, is the courage to do it. It really is like ripping off the band aid, the faster and sooner you do it, the easier it is, and from experience, moving on looks a lot less traumatic from the other side. I did it last year, and it was the best decision i ever made. The comments this man is making are an attempt to stop you from becoming the person you are and the person you want to be. It is emotional abuse, and manipulative. None of it is true and he is just trying to pull that new self confidence out from underneath you. Don't let him. Yes, keeping things from him probably wasn't the right thing to do, but if you were afraid of his reaction, then its understandable. We all do things to save ourselves from unnecessary pain and discomfort. 

 

You have a whole bunch of people here who care about you, so what ever decision you do finally settle on, you aren't EVER alone, remember that <3 

[littlekami]

Hello everyone,

 

Thank you so much for your insightful comments and support. I needed them more than I need water right now. 

 

I guess I kind of knew - it was one of those things where there was a fog around me. I kind of thought to myself "Huh.... shouldn't I be able to see farther than this?" and then shrugged it off anyway for so long because it was easier. Reality is hitting me like a bunch of bricks right now, and when I look around I'm alone but not isolated. 

 

I don't want to be the type of person that takes the easy way out of things, and that's what I've been doing. 

 

 

 

Last night something very uncomfortable happened though. 

 

He was talking to his new little, and I guess they had an issue the night before and he was sleep deprived as a result of her issues and mine (he'd say it was my issues too). 

 

He said to her, knowing that I was listening, that he's "feeling homicidal" 

 

I don't know why any man in their right mind would say that during a break-up. I told someone I know about the events, who also knows my (ex)Daddy, and obviously I'm hoping it doesn't escalate from here. At this point I'm under threat of violence. Maybe we just need some space though, like a lot of it, and that's why he said it.

 

With the help of a mutual acquaintance I'm hoping that he can move out ASAP. He's mentioned moving out sometime, so I'm hoping he can be gently pushed in that direction. Everything has been sort of blur since last night, and I may come to another solution later on - but unfortunately I actually need to work in a few hours and I need to focus. 

 

I'm trying to be brave, and some of your comments are telling me to make him leave immediately. After he said he's feeling homicidal I know that my reaction may seem wrong too, and not as urgent and it should be. 

I feel like I'm walking around in a minefield though. 

[Satan]

 

I think you should inform the police so it's on public report. They need to be aware in case things escalate (I really hope they won't). Do not brush this off as nothing. It is serious.

[Vampiress]

Satan is 100% right. Involve the police. That's not just uncomfortable, that's really freaking scary! Please get some help and get him out of there and away from you. If you have to, get a restraining order because of that threat. Don't put up with him anymore. I don't know why that other girl would talk to him after something like that. If someone said that to me I'd cut ties immediately, that's such a scary thing to say and threaten.

[Nymph]

I agree to involve the police just in case, better be safe. The restricting order sounds like peace of mind to me too!

 

Those issues he had with his new little I can assure you was nothing else but that girl noticing some red flags and he is trying to put on the big strong man show so she will dismiss them, he probably stayed up thinking of a back up plan in case the new girl does not buy it or another little to put in the backburner.

 

What kind of help is that mutual acquaintance providing? as long as it's not delaying his exit I am all for it. Is this person close to both of you? once he is out I would ask that friend to please not bring your ex up if they do stay in touch and it would be wonderful if they knew better than to mention what you are up to to him as well. But quite honestly it would be much easier if you make a clean cut.

 

The easy way out is not always the wrong one, no need to be a martyr. Don't try too hard to stay friends, sometimes just not making them angry is enough.

[littlekami]

Thanks again for all the input.

 

I wanted to give an update just so none of you kind folks worried further. I took appropriate measures to ensure I had a safety plan in place with my local doctor/counselor and I've been taking some time off work to just destress now. The friend I mentioned is not that close with me, but he has an interest in having my ex-daddy not come into any sort of trouble so I trust him to serve his own interests. 

The topic of expediting him moving out has been discussed, however at this time things have deescalated some so I'm just trying to relax and keep riding the wave of life. There's so much going on, right now I feel safe enough and I'm taking it one step at a time.

 

Thank you soooo much for these messages. You all have no idea how much strength you brought me. It might not seem like I'm doing enough, however even still I couldn't have got this far without the support I received here. 

[RavenclawPrincess]

Thanks again for all the input.

 

I wanted to give an update just so none of you kind folks worried further. I took appropriate measures to ensure I had a safety plan in place with my local doctor/counselor and I've been taking some time off work to just destress now. The friend I mentioned is not that close with me, but he has an interest in having my ex-daddy not come into any sort of trouble so I trust him to serve his own interests. 

The topic of expediting him moving out has been discussed, however at this time things have deescalated some so I'm just trying to relax and keep riding the wave of life. There's so much going on, right now I feel safe enough and I'm taking it one step at a time.

 

Thank you soooo much for these messages. You all have no idea how much strength you brought me. It might not seem like I'm doing enough, however even still I couldn't have got this far without the support I received here. 

 

I know I'm just a random stranger from the internet but I am so so SO proud of any woman that can handle such a stressful situation. You actively recognize the harm being directed at you and you are doing something about it, even if the pace might not be moving fast enough for others. Many people that are involved in domestic violence/abuse never even reach the point of recognizing the issue at hand, let alone taking steps to get out of that situation. Continue to prioritize your safety above all else and involve the police and utilize the safety plan that you worked out without hesitation if he even threatens you. Communicating threats in itself (even if the threat is implied and not directly stated by the offender) is illegal in itself in many states. Hold onto that desire to move on to a better life for yourself and never let him manipulate you into questioning the fact that you deserve to be happy. Given the current update you've got this under control, and you've got queen status in my book. You're fighting back and standing up for yourself against a highly manipulative and abusive person, so wear that crown with pride!

[Vampiress]

I agree with RavenClaw Princess. Don't give up on this path to letting him go and moving on to your own happiness. As long as you stay on track and be safe. Alter your plans and expedite it more if he starts to feel unsafe again or hassles you about things. You're really brave and strong to reach out for help and advice and work on getting yourself out of this situation. Not everyone has the courage to do so, but you'll be so much happier and more free once you've let him go. Please keep us updated, we want you to be safe and happy!

[Frost Evergarden]

this guy sounds like the abusive one. from what I read there are a number of red flags popping up with his name all over them

[curiousvet]

*hugs and cries*

 

I'm sorry.  I'm really sorry.  That's not pity, that's commiseration.

 

First and foremost,

You better know you're not Alone!

(trigger warning-child abuse)

https://youtu.be/f6ZScBMwmmQ?t=117

 

I see so much of this, go from a fucked parental relationship to a fucked romantic relationship.  I guess I got lucky in that way, by the time I was seeking a relationship I'd grown enough to be able to leave a toxic relationship.  I probably stayed too long in the second one, but I really wanted it to work.  But he's dragging you down at this point.  Don't stick around.

 

I had a really shitty childhood as well.  CPTSD like a motherfucker-went through some pretty brutal shit overseas, and the shit I went through over there is 10x easier to deal with than the hell that was my home.  When I recovered my childhood I literally lost my goddamn mind, a good 3 months I was completely nonfunctioning.

 

I'm glad you're healing.  Leave this guy in your dust.  He sounds like the one who calls herself my mother.

My hubby's helped me heal alot too.

 

And BE SAFE!  I would have immediately offered to bring the guy into psyche at that point, but I'm not exactly a small guy, not many would come out of a fight with me unscathed.  In your situation contacting the police was definitely the right thing to do.

 

He's threatened you, I'd say getting him the fuck out as fast as possible should be your goal.

 

Best of wishes.  And massive hugs.  PM me if you ever needa talk.

[littlekami]

Happy to update this thread and say that my ex-Daddy has moved out. It was a journey to get here. 

 

Sometimes when I'm happy about the ways it improved things, I'm also sort of guilty about feeling happy. My Daddy was my parental support for a long time and this felt a lot like betraying and being betrayed by a parent, by someone you trusted to look after you and someone you maybe were also expected to look after, because they looked after you. I'm worried about his safety, but trusting and hoping that he will be strong and survive and we will both be better off for it. 

 

This has been really hard, and I'm looking forward to the future. 

Thanks everyone for the support you gave me when this issue starting bursting. 

[Vampiress]

So proud of you for taking this step. I know it must've been so hard, but it will be worth it. We really want you to be happy and be in the kind of relationship you deserve.