Need to Rant! And Advice Needed!

[Kitten&Spice]

Hey everyone! I hope all is well and I appreciate anyone who is willing to listen and read through my small rant! I like to get things out of my system before it really boils over and I just wanted to do a small rant about something I have came across!

 

I have recently been open to start a relationship and trying to get things moving in the right direction! I am usually a very open person and like to keep things honest from the start! However it seems that I am getting exhausted from all of this again. If you have read any of my post before then you may know where I am going with this. But I am getting really tired of some people ghosting me because I refuse to play along with their fantasies. Of course I understand that some people in the community only see DDlg as a sexual thing and I am not against that at all! But I find it a bit tiring when I have to constantly tell people that I am asexual and then when I don’t play along they just vanish. This has happened so many times and I just don’t enjoy the feeling. It brings me back to when I was in an abusive relationship and it has began to take a major toll on my mental health.

 

I have had to take a break from here before because of the same reason along with a bunch of other problems. But I am just so confused and feel so invalid. I want to trust people and I want to make sure I keep myself open minded. But whenever there is so many doms who do the same thing over and over again it just takes a lot out of me. I stop feeling important and some days I don’t think I am really ever truly deserving of a relationship. That I am flawed and that I need to stop being so open. I am just getting wore out from it all.

 

I posted a personal trying to go into detail as much as I could to avoid any forms of confusion but it seems like even that has done nothing for me. I still get people who just aren’t interested or wanting to really put in the work to build trust and to build a strong connection. I just worry that when I do meet the right person I will have all these walls up and I will lose them along with myself.

 

I just want to know what you guys do to keep your sanity on this. I was thinking about taking another break but I also enjoy talking and meeting littles. I don’t know if I need to stop accepting friend request unless they say something on my personal or what I need to do to keep things normal. But I am just getting so tired and I don’t think these doms know what it is doing to me. I wish nothing but the best for them and I hope they find someone to meet their needs. But I don’t know what I can do to make it clear that sex, role playing, and just things like that is extremely triggering to me and affects me tremendously. Thanks for reading and please let me know what I can do!

[Vampiress]

Hello! I went to look at your personal before responding. It says in your personal you are demisexual, yet here you say you are asexual. I wonder if that leads to some of the initial confusion with these Dominants? I do understand a lot of people here want immediate satisfaction, and too many people rush into things without giving things proper time to develop. I would say for the most part you have been very up front about your need for patience and care being taken with getting to know you. My only suggestion at this point would be to update your personals ad with more of the information you've provided here. Really, really stress the importance of your needs and your experience with those needs being ignored and how it affects you negatively. Someone who really is interested in you will take these words to heart and put in the real effort you are requiring and craving. If anyone continues to ignore that then it's not about you. It is a character flaw within themselves. If they're ignoring something you've put a lot of time into expressing and explaining then they're being selfish and self-centered. The problem is not with you, it is with them.

[RavenclawPrincess]

To add to what Vampiress said, I have seen in personal adds that the person will write something along the lines of "Make the subject of your first PM [insert word/sentence of your choice here] if you actually read this". Maybe you could do something like that with the paragraph where you write about your needs regarding asexuality in your personal. That way it might be easier to weed out the people that didn't even read your ad. 

[Nymph]

I love rants, specially when they take the time to break it into lovely paragraphs like you so it's easy to read and we can actually answer! write your heart out, sometimes you will discover things in the middle of your typing, it's a wonderful thing :3

 

I am sorry you are getting ghosted, but do keep in mind sometimes people out there had been looking for a long time and no longer have the patience to do more than a few subtle hints. Some people can't deal with hearing it straight up and will become drama queens, nobody wants to deal with that over and over. Also don't feel like you need to play along, if you see they are not a match, don't waste their time or yours!

 

Now, I am going to give you some constructive criticism, I hope you are ok with that, if not please stop reading right here.

 

I think you would have much more luck if you talk about that connection you are looking for in your profile instead of trying to sell yourself talking only about the fun stuff. Sometimes people will find you through your profile and not see your ad. Half your rant would make a wonderful personal actually, so put it out there.

 

I also read a reply to a guy that was interested in you (a very married guy btw) and if you truly are not sexual I think to say you are waiting for marriage and wanting to be meaningful is the wrong way to go, as it simply translates to "I am a tease" and the wrong people will take the challenge in a heartbeat. Maybe you need to use the term platonic instead of asexual, hell at this point I am wondering if what you want is just a friend and work from there (and that is cool but if you complicate it too much it will take longer).

 

I couldn't find that ad that you worked so much to write, sorry! but I hope this helps you. 

[Kitten&Spice]

Thanks everyone for the replies! I really appreciate the suggestions and I think it would definitely help a lot! I am going to go ahead and change things up to remove any confusion and to get things in line! I also appreciate the constructive criticism! I am the type of person where my mind is going all the time and I can’t really think straight. So when I get told some of my issues and I think about it I actually agree! I said Demisexual since it is classified in the asexual spectrum but I will try and change that up to get rid of any confusion!

 

As for adding some phrase to ensure they have read through I have done just that in my personal! One person had actually responded to it but other then that I don’t think the others have really taken the time or just saw a few things they liked and went on! So I will definitely fix things on that as well!

 

I will definitely take everyone’s advice and fix those few things that I myself didn’t realize was misleading! Thanks again and I appreciate the help!

[MysticSand]

Late on this but wanted to post too!

 

I'm not gonna lie, there's a lot of laaaaaaaame people on here. Because hey, it's the internet right? It's expected. Nothing unique to this forum by any means.

 

With that said, it's usually within the first.... maybe 1-3 messages that you can already get the real feel of who a person is. Some may say that's too short, but is it?

If someone is messaging you one word or one line responses, you know the type of person they are.

If someone is messaging you asking to talk on another platform or to send pictures, you know the type of person they are.

If someone is messaging you trying to essentially bully you in to being their Little without ever even introducing themselves properly or elaborating on why/how they decided to message you, you know the type of person they are.

 

Go with your gut with every interaction. It's not worth it to constantly think "okay they're nice, let's see where this goes" if you're already getting some off vibes.

The basis of every good bond is to be friends first, and if someone is already jumping into asking what kinks you're in to or what you're looking for in a relationship, I personally would take that as someone who would not be a real partner candidate.

 

Believe in yourself. When you meet someone that's truly worth letting in to your life, you will know it.