Rant about “Daddies”

[Littlenicole40]

I can’t be the only one experiencing this - I wanna scream sometimes!  Why is it that so many people claiming to be great daddies and care givers think they have some sort of divine right to treat littles or middles with disrespect, especially not even knowing them.  

 

I’ve been looking for a DD for myself.  So far, everyone I have talked to IRL and online take this stance as though being a LG means you don’t get any say in anything, even from the beginning.  I had some guy who seemed nice and I commented when he was talking about being able to role play his fantasy, I was like wait a minute - I just want to be clear, this isn’t a role play that I am looking for.  He got pissy with me and has been chewing me out about how he “doesn’t need corrected by a LG” and just downright being mean.  He’s not the only one.  I have had chats with a couple people online (here and other places) as well as a couple IRL meet ups to talk.  Everyone acts like meeting them or talking means I need to be acting like they’re my daddy, calling them daddy or something, not allowed to have opinions, want me to send pics or talk about naughty stuff and all I know is their screen name or spent 10 minutes with them on a walk.

 

Duuuuuuude...  if you are one of these daddies, I don’t know that any LG would like that kind of behavior!!!  I feel like it’s my decision who I decide to give myself to in that way.  I really don’t understand. Am I the only one encountering this continuously?  

[Satan]

A lot of people do ddlg their own way. Sometimes their way is extremely self-centered and only focused on their own personal needs and pleasure. While that's not wrong per se, it isn't what a lot of people would necessarily want to be involved in.

 

Like in any kind of dating situation, you have to "kiss alot of frogs" before finding your prince.

However ddlg is part of BDSM (even if non sexual) and consent is a 1000000% must. if someone isn't going to care about if you consent or not and only worry about themselves thats when you drop them. Doesn't matter if you are a little girl / little boy / little or sub. A Dom / caregiver has to listen and be willing to negotiate or they can hit the road. Littles are still adults and have every right to be like hey naw I am not doing that. Anyone who gets pissy about it obviously is only in it for themselves.

Edited July 6, 2020 by Satan

[MissPattch]

I know it happens. I've been fortunate to only have met one such person, but most of the Daddy's / Dom's i've interacted with have been polite and respectful. I just ack out gracefully with a thanks, but no thanks. I Don't mind a pushy Dom, but only after boundaries have been set and rules and limits agreed upon. 

[Littlenicole40]

I know it happens. I've been fortunate to only have met one such person, but most of the Daddy's / Dom's i've interacted with have been polite and respectful. I just ack out gracefully with a thanks, but no thanks. I Don't mind a pushy Dom, but only after boundaries have been set and rules and limits agreed upon. 

 

Agreed. Just think it’s weird that anyone would think just because you swap one or two messages or met in person once, that means a LG should jump when told something.  Like I have literally had a nice chat with someone online or IRL, and not even I kidding a few sentences into it it’s “send me a pic of you doing XYZ” or whatever.  I’m like why would I do that?  We just met?  I think some people maybe just use it as a kink hook up thing, like in vanilla relationships too.  Or maybe try to expose the vulnerable side of a little.  

[Littlenicole40]

A lot of people do ddlg their own way. Sometimes their way is extremely self-centered and only focused on their own personal needs and pleasure. While that's not wrong per se, it isn't what a lot of people would necessarily want to be involved in.

 

Like in any kind of dating situation, you have to "kiss alot of frogs" before finding your prince.

However ddlg is part of BDSM (even if non sexual) and consent is a 1000000% must. if someone isn't going to care about if you consent or not and only worry about themselves thats when you drop them. Doesn't matter if you are a little girl / little boy / little or sub. A Dom / caregiver has to listen and be willing to negotiate or they can hit the road. Littles are still adults and have every right to be like hey naw I am not doing that. Anyone who gets pissy about it obviously is only in it for themselves.

 

Yeah I guess could be someone else’s interpretation Of what it is and how they do ddlg.  I feel like most people I have met/talked to are wanting to have a hook up role play thing, maybe not looking for an actual ongoing thing.  I just don’t think anyone should be bitching someone out because they aren’t immediately submissive upon meeting.  I guess not wrong per say, but a person doesn’t have to be an a$$.  

[Satan]

 

A lot of people do ddlg their own way. Sometimes their way is extremely self-centered and only focused on their own personal needs and pleasure. While that's not wrong per se, it isn't what a lot of people would necessarily want to be involved in.

Like in any kind of dating situation, you have to "kiss alot of frogs" before finding your prince.

However ddlg is part of BDSM (even if non sexual) and consent is a 1000000% must. if someone isn't going to care about if you consent or not and only worry about themselves thats when you drop them. Doesn't matter if you are a little girl / little boy / little or sub. A Dom / caregiver has to listen and be willing to negotiate or they can hit the road. Littles are still adults and have every right to be like hey naw I am not doing that. Anyone who gets pissy about it obviously is only in it for themselves.

 

Yeah I guess could be someone else’s interpretation Of what it is and how they do ddlg.  I feel like most people I have met/talked to are wanting to have a hook up role play thing, maybe not looking for an actual ongoing thing.  I just don’t think anyone should be bitching someone out because they aren’t immediately submissive upon meeting.  I guess not wrong per say, but a person doesn’t have to be an a$$.

 

I agree. Submission is something that is earned over time. Not something to be expected, especially not right off the bat.

And to lose their cool cuz you were like hey just so you know I'm looking for *this* kind of thing not a role play and they got rude. Definitely a big red flag to avoid that dude.

[Punographer]

A lot of people who haven’t had a long term dynamic seem to have a fantasy or their own truth of what ddlg (or any kink for that matter) should be like. We forget that at then end of the day, we are people who are creating a partnership with realistic outcomes for unique individuals and it would be dismissive to put or even force people into cookie cutter molds.

 

No matter the age or whether it on/off line, people will have that same approach. So overall it helps to be in a community where others can help you stay away from certain individuals, warn you, and even give you the inside scoop on who are the good Doms/subs.

[Guest mariposa]

Oh god I completely understand this whole situation. I've encountered people who immediately want me to jump on the bandwagon of acting a certain way or outright giving them things. And then when I haven't they've just completely made me feel like I'm the worst person in the world. But even then not every Daddy or person is like this. Some people can just be a bit close minded and focus on their needs whilst forgetting the other person as well. I just think that when those situations happen, it's important to stand up and say stop. Because I think we all deserve some respect. Always remember you don't owe anyone anything especially if it's someone you barely know or don't have a close relationship with. 

[SmolAetherr]

no you are not the only one there are too many people in bdsm with poisoned or poisonous views on women, same with women who have poisonous or poisoned view on men those people tend to forget there are people behind the kinks and they gotta stop acting like these people only exist for their pleasure my god maaaaan!

Edited July 6, 2020 by Aetherr

[Frost Evergarden]

That screams fake. any dom/daddy worth anything knows that in reality they don't have the power it is the sub/little. The dom only ever has a much power as the sub has consented to.

[princessfreckles]

First, in my opinion those types aren't daddies. They're jerks who don't want the responsibility it takes to be a caregiver, just the fun part. When done correctly; a Caregiver, or any big letter in the dynamic, is agreeing to take on the responsibility of their little letter. Sure the details, rules, and style of caregiving varies, but overall that's the basic idea. Luckily the types who don't want the long term dynamic are extremely easy to weed out. Next, Daddy (along with Mommy) is a title that is earned. Anyone who says it's not earned, and demands to be addressed as something like that right away without talking to a little for any amount of time is wrong. To enter a dynamic the people have to take the time get to know one another (not when in Caregiver or little space) in their vanilla and kink lives, discuss hard limits, communicate expectations from the dynamic, (I can't stress this enough) negotiate rules/punishments (you as a little have a say in all of this), and agree to enter a dynamic willingly. Last, communication throughout the dynamic is essential. No one enters a vanilla relationship and nothing ever changes throughout the time the people are together, a D/s dynamic is no different. 

 

The sad fact is there are a lot of terrible people who exploit and abuse people under the guise of bdsm (terrible examples of that in mainstream entertainment definitely don't help our cause either, but that's a rant for a different day). Littles seem to be a specific target because of how easily we can be taken advantage of by a bad person. As a little who was abandoned by my first Daddy (it was long distance but exchanged personal information and we'd met in person), and unknowingly a side piece to my second one; I've only had negative experiences while a little with a caregiver (I use that term loosely for those two jerks). I've learned to protect my little side from people who look to take advantage of my desire to want a dynamic due to how new I was to the lifestyle. Because of that, I feel a responsibility to other littles (specifically those who are super new to CG/l) to warn them to guard that little side and only give it to a person who earns it. Littles, please trust your gut! Don't ignore red flags! If something feels slightly off, trust that feeling. Don't let the desire for a Caregiver cause you to ignore the warnings like I did. I believe it was Maya Angelou said, "when some one shows you who they are, believe them the first time."  

 

Sure some are good at faking being a genuine CG for a while; but if they're just another person looking to use a little for their selfish purposes, their facade will fade and the truth will come out eventually. I'm not saying every potential Caregiver is pure evil with bad intentions. I do believe that a small number have been misinformed and are simply ignorant of what CG/l is about. As a little with some experience and an active member of my local kink community, I definitely have a passion for education. I've learned so much, and I want those who are interested to learn about kink, and how to do it safely while having fun. That definitely applies to dynamics. Sure all dynamics are different because people are different. However respect, communication, and enthusiastic consent are important parts to any great dynamic, including CG/l. 

 

I'll step off my soapbox now. 

[Littlenicole40]

First, in my opinion those types aren't daddies. They're jerks who don't want the responsibility it takes to be a caregiver, just the fun part. When done correctly; a Caregiver, or any big letter in the dynamic, is agreeing to take on the responsibility of their little letter. Sure the details, rules, and style of caregiving varies, but overall that's the basic idea. Luckily the types who don't want the long term dynamic are extremely easy to weed out. Next, Daddy (along with Mommy) is a title that is earned. Anyone who says it's not earned, and demands to be addressed as something like that right away without talking to a little for any amount of time is wrong. To enter a dynamic the people have to take the time get to know one another (not when in Caregiver or little space) in their vanilla and kink lives, discuss hard limits, communicate expectations from the dynamic, (I can't stress this enough) negotiate rules/punishments (you as a little have a say in all of this), and agree to enter a dynamic willingly. Last, communication throughout the dynamic is essential. No one enters a vanilla relationship and nothing ever changes throughout the time the people are together, a D/s dynamic is no different. 

 

The sad fact is there are a lot of terrible people who exploit and abuse people under the guise of bdsm (terrible examples of that in mainstream entertainment definitely don't help our cause either, but that's a rant for a different day). Littles seem to be a specific target because of how easily we can be taken advantage of by a bad person. As a little who was abandoned by my first Daddy (it was long distance but exchanged personal information and we'd met in person), and unknowingly a side piece to my second one; I've only had negative experiences while a little with a caregiver (I use that term loosely for those two jerks). I've learned to protect my little side from people who look to take advantage of my desire to want a dynamic due to how new I was to the lifestyle. Because of that, I feel a responsibility to other littles (specifically those who are super new to CG/l) to warn them to guard that little side and only give it to a person who earns it. Littles, please trust your gut! Don't ignore red flags! If something feels slightly off, trust that feeling. Don't let the desire for a Caregiver cause you to ignore the warnings like I did. I believe it was Maya Angelou said, "when some one shows you who they are, believe them the first time."  

 

Sure some are good at faking being a genuine CG for a while; but if they're just another person looking to use a little for their selfish purposes, their facade will fade and the truth will come out eventually. I'm not saying every potential Caregiver is pure evil with bad intentions. I do believe that a small number have been misinformed and are simply ignorant of what CG/l is about. As a little with some experience and an active member of my local kink community, I definitely have a passion for education. I've learned so much, and I want those who are interested to learn about kink, and how to do it safely while having fun. That definitely applies to dynamics. Sure all dynamics are different because people are different. However respect, communication, and enthusiastic consent are important parts to any great dynamic, including CG/l. 

 

I'll step off my soapbox now. 

 

 

Thank you.  Wow what a great and thought out response. I appreciate that!  

[SmolAetherr]

That screams fake. any dom/daddy worth anything knows that in reality they don't have the power it is the sub/little. The dom only ever has a much power as the sub has consented to.

hang on a second, you dont think a comment like that comes across like you are discounting the value a daddy has? they dont stop being a daddy just because they dont have a little just like a little doesent stop being a little without a daddy, don't talk like this because neither role needs to trample on the other to be valid they are both valid alone and complete eachother together!

[DaddyDomX]

"not allowed to have opinions" ?

 

You need the space given to have your own thoughts and experience. Enough to make mistakes which you hopefully learn from. It's a Daddies job to give you that space to learn and grow from. While simultaneously guiding you and making sure any of the rough edges on those mistakes. It's complicated work. These people do not sound like they are up to the task. Happily move on, looking for the right partner is hard work.

[RavenclawPrincess]

That screams fake. any dom/daddy worth anything knows that in reality they don't have the power it is the sub/little. The dom only ever has a much power as the sub has consented to.

 

See, I REALLY don't like throwing around the term fake like this. Who are we to say that how someone identifies themselves as fake? I think for the situation at hand, the big problem is compatibility. These guys that the OP is talking about are the ones that are into DDlg strictly for the sexual gratification of their respective kinks, and they're likely looking for instant gratification. To be fair, there are littles that are looking for the same thing, so they would be compatible for those people.

 

On the flip side there's a lot of us that are into DDlg as a lifestyle, not just for the sexual stuff alone. We are compatible with those that are like minded in what they want out of a dynamic. It's really disheartening to see that it's usually the lifestylers that are throwing around the term "fake" for people that we are incompatible with when generally we are the ones that are more educated and thereby probably should be more open minded. I've found myself going along with this mentality and when I realized it, I put a lot of effort into correcting my thinking on it.

 

In summation, none of us are "fake", there's just specific things that people are looking for, usually either sexual role play only OR the lifestyle as a whole, and we belong with partners that are compatible. 

 

My advice to the OP, take note of any flags or patterns that you notice with these guys that might tip you off so you know sooner rather than later that there's a compatibility issue at hand that you won't be able to work around. I know it's frustrating but there are LOTS of really great CG's that are into it as a lifestyle and would love to put the time and effort into building an awesome dynamic, it's just a matter of being patient and finding the right one for you specifically. Keep your chin up, it'll happen!

[Frost Evergarden]

See, I REALLY don't like throwing around the term fake like this. Who are we to say that how someone identifies themselves as fake? I think for the situation at hand, the big problem is compatibility. These guys that the OP is talking about are the ones that are into DDlg strictly for the sexual gratification of their respective kinks, and they're likely looking for instant gratification. To be fair, there are littles that are looking for the same thing, so they would be compatible for those people.

 

On the flip side there's a lot of us that are into DDlg as a lifestyle, not just for the sexual stuff alone. We are compatible with those that are like minded in what they want out of a dynamic. It's really disheartening to see that it's usually the lifestylers that are throwing around the term "fake" for people that we are incompatible with when generally we are the ones that are more educated and thereby probably should be more open minded. I've found myself going along with this mentality and when I realized it, I put a lot of effort into correcting my thinking on it.

 

In summation, none of us are "fake", there's just specific things that people are looking for, usually either sexual role play only OR the lifestyle as a whole, and we belong with partners that are compatible. 

 

My advice to the OP, take note of any flags or patterns that you notice with these guys that might tip you off so you know sooner rather than later that there's a compatibility issue at hand that you won't be able to work around. I know it's frustrating but there are LOTS of really great CG's that are into it as a lifestyle and would love to put the time and effort into building an awesome dynamic, it's just a matter of being patient and finding the right one for you specifically. Keep your chin up, it'll happen!

fake is exactly what the OP is describing. it is what it is, you can dislike it but I feel it is the truth. you don't try to control someone right at the bat, it is predatory

[RavenclawPrincess]

Eh, again, people want different things out of the dynamic and as long as it's safe sane and consensual it's all good. Those people can go be with someone that's compatible. There can be instances where that's absolutely the case and it easily could have happened in at least SOME of the interactions that the OP has had that have led to her being frustrated. 

 

I'm not going to disagree about predatory behavior being absolutely wrong, and I don't see why we shouldn't call a spade a spade. Rather than a "fake daddy" I personally will opt to call someone a "real predator" instead when that's clearly what it happening

[Littlenicole40]

See, I REALLY don't like throwing around the term fake like this. Who are we to say that how someone identifies themselves as fake? I think for the situation at hand, the big problem is compatibility. These guys that the OP is talking about are the ones that are into DDlg strictly for the sexual gratification of their respective kinks, and they're likely looking for instant gratification. To be fair, there are littles that are looking for the same thing, so they would be compatible for those people.

 

On the flip side there's a lot of us that are into DDlg as a lifestyle, not just for the sexual stuff alone. We are compatible with those that are like minded in what they want out of a dynamic. It's really disheartening to see that it's usually the lifestylers that are throwing around the term "fake" for people that we are incompatible with when generally we are the ones that are more educated and thereby probably should be more open minded. I've found myself going along with this mentality and when I realized it, I put a lot of effort into correcting my thinking on it.

 

In summation, none of us are "fake", there's just specific things that people are looking for, usually either sexual role play only OR the lifestyle as a whole, and we belong with partners that are compatible. 

 

My advice to the OP, take note of any flags or patterns that you notice with these guys that might tip you off so you know sooner rather than later that there's a compatibility issue at hand that you won't be able to work around. I know it's frustrating but there are LOTS of really great CG's that are into it as a lifestyle and would love to put the time and effort into building an awesome dynamic, it's just a matter of being patient and finding the right one for you specifically. Keep your chin up, it'll happen!

 

 

 

I never said fake daddies.  I just put daddies in quotes because I don’t know what else to say because I wasn’t writing a positive post about daddies.  

 

I dunno...  I get that fake daddy can be a disrespectful term to someone, but #1 I didn’t say that and #2 I was really just trying to vent about how I am overly tired off people coming out and having a few exchanges and representing themselves as something they are not.  Example, exchanging messages here or on Kik, sounding like you’re a caregiver like what I am interested in - describing yourself as that only to act totally different once we meet or even within the first exchange, demanding submission, sexual photos, or immediate sexual activity.   Like, Hi, we just met - now take your panties off now!  I said now and I don’t need any back talk from some little girl.  This is literally the kind of BS I am hearing.  If it was a vanilla date and someone was all gentlemanly and then we met up and he did this, he’d just be a fraud and an asshole.  But I’m being offensive by venting my frustrations here about someone doing the same thing just just using a DDlg label?  I feel like that’s what you’re saying.

 

Also, I am a grown woman and know that compatibility can be an issue.  But there is a difference between compatibility and someone misrepresenting themselves.  I don’t care of someone is just into DDlg as RP or in a different capacity as myself, say simply sexual. But saying people just aren’t compatible in a situation where someone is being an unnecessary jerk or straight up lying about who they are until they decide to be honest, that doesn’t seem like a compatibility issue. It sounds like they’re a false representation of what they said they were or pretended to me.  

 

I don’t know if I am taking this too personally, but I see your responses in here than a brand new post about being tired of people saying fake daddy....  well, it really hurt my feelings and makes me thing this forum isn’t a good place to be able to talk about feelings associated with frustrations.  And my frustrations are about people regularly misrepresenting themselves in this BDSM world of DDlg in the experiences I have had meeting people/trying to follow up on our interactions.  

 

 

Anyway, I’m gonna stop talking now and remember not to post stuff openly like this because I guess it upsets people too much, but I thought maybe the post would have helped me vent or maybe I wasn’t the only one dealing with it, but I guess I am being mean because I got upset when people were disrespectful and lied.  

Edited July 8, 2020 by Littlenicole40

[SmolAetherr]

fake is exactly what the OP is describing. it is what it is, you can dislike it but I feel it is the truth. you don't try to control someone right at the bat, it is predatory

calling people fake is against the forum rules, so no it is not what it is, a controlling partner doesent mean a fake anything, just because they dont fit into your neat little definition does not make them any less.

 

stop doing that.

[Guest Prettybloodyroses]

I think theres alot of mental abuse in ddlg if the people that are involved in it dont know how to respect people even in a normal way. Anyone who talks to me in a undermining or controlling way gets the instant block.

 

I feel like people that say things like "your little you dont know" or when your actually right and they say "daddy knows best" are very fake and rude

Edited July 13, 2020 by Prettybloodyroses

[Guest Prettybloodyroses]

That screams fake. any dom/daddy worth anything knows that in reality they don't have the power it is the sub/little. The dom only ever has a much power as the sub has consented to.

I agee Edited July 13, 2020 by Prettybloodyroses