I feel like I’ve been cheated on.

[ps4d]

Daddy and I met 3 years ago (tumblr) and pretty quickly met up and started dating. I’m 30, he’s late 40s. I eventually moved across the country to be with him and now we are engaged. So, this is a serious, committed relationship with a DDlg dynamic. I’ve been blissfully happy in every single aspect until this morning. I kept getting a feeling like something was wrong, like anxiety, and when I would walk by him he would hide his phone screen. We have separate accounts on bdsmlr, but we have each other’s logins so nothing is being hidden or whatever.

 

So I logged into his and saw that he’s been sexting with another little and she’s calling him Daddy and he’s telling her to do stuff and how much it turns him on and how he can’t wait to go to work so he can talk to her all night (he works 24 hour shifts).

 

We never discussed this being okay. Ever. We’re monogamous. I feel completely betrayed and upset. Not only is he my Daddy, but he’s set to become my husband by the end of the year. I don’t know what to do. I confronted him immediately and he apologized and said that he was just trying to find us friends (when we made the blogs it was to hopefully make friends with likeminded people... but I quickly shut that down because he didn’t even mention me to her, it was just sexting), and that he didn’t think it was a big deal because it’s obvious that he’s with me since his bio states that i’m his little (again, I shut this down because i wasn’t even mentioned).

 

So anyway, i guess I just need to vent. He’s apologized a lot and even offered to delete his blog, but I really do want to trust him and i don’t want this to come between us. I’m just so upset I can’t relax and I can’t stop thinking about it. it’s making me feel sick, but there’s a voice in my head that’s telling me i’m being ridiculous because it was online. but then I go back and i think that that was exactly the same way he and i met, so then i get even more nervous that he’s going to leave me for someone he met the same way he met me.

 

If you have any advice, I’d love to read it. If not, thank you for letting me vent.

[baby_k]

You are not ridiculous. Doesn't matter if it is online or real world aspeople can share connection, have sex and even fall in love online -> I would see that as real cheating too.

 

This is massive crisis for your relationship and I would advice you not to swipe it under the rug. You have been hurt, you have been lied to: he betrayed your trust. It is a darn big deal.

 

Unfortunately, I really can't offer you any other proper advice really. There are couples who get pass cheating and there are those who don't. Often the lack of trust will eat the rel alive as the other person can't feel safe and happy anymore. Or the cheater just keeps on cheating. Some say their rel is better after the cheating but that it required a lot of work from both.

 

Maybe try couple's counselling to deal with this.

[pawsies]

I'll be blunt. He did cheat on you. And it's down to you to decide if you can trust his apologies enough to get past it and know he won't do it again. You seem to very much want to keep the relationship with him, so you need to be sensible and think about how its going to affect both of you if you decide to stay together. Will you always worry that he's sneaking and can't get past it? What, if anything, could he do to ease your mind and let everything go back to 'normal'? If there isn't anything then I would say there isn't much point in being in a relationship at all, as trust is a very big deal. That's assuming he definitely wouldn't do that again.

 

In my personal opinion, if this was my relationship I wouldn't be able to forgive. I would think that my partner clearly had every intention of keeping this from me (based on planning to talk to the other girl all night at work) and would continue if he never got caught. I would wonder how long this has been going on and if it's ever happened before. And I wouldn't rule out the possibility that they would eventually plan to meet up.

 

Whatever you decide is entirely on you, but you do need to consider if you can continue the relationship without constantly worrying that this is going to happen again. Because if you can't look past that then its going to cause a bigger strain (if he definitely won't do it again). Trust him, or don't trust him.

[littleprincessbbw]

So that behaviour isn't okay.  It's even more not okay because littles are really vulnerable and so the pain is even worse.  That said, this is your relationship.  I think at the very least you need to have a conversation about boundaries, because littles are allowed those too.  About where lines need to be drawn.

 

I'd not be okay with that at all.  That said, I can't say it would be the end of it for me (but there would be a lot of making up to do and trust rebuilding).  

 

I'm sorry you've had this situation, but like others have said, this is cheating essentially.  

[Nymph]

It's called an emotional affair, he did cheat on you.

 

I have a lot of experience dating men online, I have found some just get kind of "hooked" on the thrill of meeting someone new online and even once they meet someone they can't stop. If he really loves you he will find away to get rid of this habit but you have to keep in mind that doesn't change his personality and it will be replaced with something else, what is replaced with it might be something healthier, just something different or maybe something more concerning so you might want to keep an eye on that. It may also just be fixed temporarily, that is usually the case.

 

If you dismiss it he will keep doing it, I tried this approach once and boy did it backfire. Unless you are willing to ignore it forever this will not work.

 

For example, with one guy, a girl (he was talking to a few) ended up calling him and I had him hand me the phone on the spot and I spoke to her. I told her about the other girls and his eyes almost popped out of his sockets because he thought I didn't know. He was not the smartest guy out there I suppose, in that regard they were a good match but I was annoyed by the disrespect since I already had a ring on my finger. I had given a fair share of warnings and hints that I am not cool with that behavior in hopes he would stop. Gave him the ring back with a chance to give it back to me if he could help me forgive him and trust him again but it was just a waste of time. I am not into drama, I think maybe he was.

 

I realized he was never a good match for me and the thing that kept me around was that he seemed to be a good man, but a good man wouldn't do this to me and a bunch of other girls so I ended it that time gave me the closure I needed. He was willing to go to couple's counseling but I don't think it's worth the hassle if you are not married or have kids.

 

If you are at a point where you can still do a clean break I urge you to do so before you waste more time and feelings on him. In these cases is more like they need therapy on their own, they need to fix they way they connect with people and it's not your job to fix him, couple therapy is to heal years of damage of not walking away after noticing this issues usually.

 

I am now happily married (with someone else of course).

 

Don't stay because of the effort you have put into this, think of the waste it will be if you stay and how it will keep you from finding the right person for you. If you don't have the means to move out right now or can't really due covid or something of that sort, I suggest you slowly start to put some distance to prepare your exit and to start breaking the bond.

 

Sorry for the book, but I hope it helps you somehow.

[Punographer]

You did a great job not letting him undermine your concerns!

 

This initial confrontation was a really good opener to having honest dialogue. I'm sure he is already thinking about a couple things after you brought it up. My approach to problem solving is thinking about the possible actions you'd like to take and thinking about what will happen and what you'd like to happen. So initially playing out all the scenarios.

 

You can also go with the fail safe. This one works every time. Go with your gut. 

 

You pretty much have two options. 

1. Leave
2. Work it out

Option 1 is easy to detail but never easy as we like to believe in the best of in our partners. It's also humiliating if not just gutting to tell your family and friends. Don't let this scare you away from making the right choice for YOU. Often these life obstacles show us which one of our friends and family are really there for us and not just that casual-in-the-good-times type of person. Maybe prep a support system to help you make decision to end things.

 

Option 2 is going to take a lot of work from the both of you. It takes two people to make things work so I would suggest going back and having that hard conversation again. I'm sure from the time you asked him until now, he has thought about it. Ask for open and honest dialogue. This is where you both should find out why he sexted. Is there something that he isn't getting in the current relationship? Was it just a misunderstanding of boundaries? Would you be okay with him seeing/sexting other people if push came to shove? Take this as a chance to understand where he is coming from but DO NOT disclose that you will end the relationship if he doesn't want to be mono anymore. (If poly is a deal breaker for you.) You want to come from a place of love, concern, and truly understanding him. Maybe even probe him a little and see if he'd be open to couple's therapy or even just seeing someone for premarital counseling. 

 

 

From personal experience, I would have that honest talk with him. If he still isn't owning up to what he did and how it hurt you, then end things. It's a big red flag when people disregard how their actions hurt someone they love. The normal thing to do when you hurt someone is to say you're sorry and that you won't do it again. For instance, I eat all of the stew that you made (took you 24 hours to make.) You're rightfully mad and tell me. I apologize as I didn't know it took you that long to make it and next time I'll ask before I eat it or just not do it at all. 

 

I think socially we learn to apologize and tell others what we will or won't do in the future. Most people who aren't really sorry or repeat offenders will avoid telling you that they won't do it again. Anyhow, that was my two cents on the matter. If you'd like to chat or vent about it, don't be afraid to reach out.