Advice on Remaining Dominant With an Assertive Little

[Guest Carson_Daddy]

Hello everyone, hope you are reading this while you are well. After posting my personal ad two days ago in which I was looking for a long distance relationship (you are welcome to see it on my profile for more context); I received messages from several littles that were interested and since then I have been talking with each and seeing who I feel most compatible with. For more importance later, I would say I'm a patient and respectful daddy. Since then I have ended up mainly talking with a very nice little having the little-age of 2-4, a very young one. Although not my little and probably won't be for the next week at the very least, we have talked in a DDlg-like fashion to get to know each other. She feels comfortable with being in her little headspace with me and I act with a caring and appropriately dominant way.

 

This was going very smoothly. Today I showed her the rules I would like her to follow when she becomes my little to see how she liked them. But to my surprise, she started saying which she doesn't want, which she wants to change, which she wants removed... etc. (To not make the post longer, I won't add the rules but I assure you they are very standard and common rules without anything excessively strict). I was and still am open with her saying what she doesn't like or approve of but then, after a while it became too much. I then told her that I don't like the way she changes whatever she wants (also to mention that this was not the first time she acted in this way). She then said "I am not a doll, I am a human", which is true of course. I told her that she is a human, but also my future little girl that I have to take care for and make decisions for when in littlespace. Things became worse and it ended up in an argument with her saying that I don't truly understand what the concept of ddlg is and that I shouldn't call myself a daddy. Being fair to her, she did apologize for if she was a bit rude.

 

But the main point of this post is the following. I am a daddy that loves to care, protect, and be with my little but also one that, akin to almost all other doms, does not like their littles talking down on them and/or disciplining them; which is what I believe happened here. A dom likes staying in control and remaining dominant and seeing a little so carelessly talk them down is both hard to handle and extremely frustrating, even if the little is right.

 

This brings me to my question: How can a dom remain dominant and assertive but understanding and not sound like a jerk in a scenario like this?

 

I understand that being dominant does not only mean being strong and in control, it also means being understanding in a situation like this and acting with maturity but... This is why, even if she might be right, I feel that if I simply agree with what she talks me down over and apologize, that it will just let her subconsciously know that she can do it again whenever she feels like it. Of course subs must say what they are ok with and what they are not, I just believe that there are better ways in saying it than threatening the very purpose of the dom role.

 

Hopefully I explained with enough clarity. I would gladly answer any question you may have. Also, apart from helping me, I would like the responses to be more general with the objective that other doms may learn too from this post on how to react in a situation that is similar to this one. Thank you in advance.

[RavenclawPrincess]

Here's the thing about this WHOLE situation and probably why she responded so negatively. At this point in time, you do NOT have the right to assert dominance over her in the first place. Absolutely not before partnership has been entered into. That being said, the negotiation phase of determining rules is the time that you need to work TOGETHER to lay the best possible foundation for a dynamic. Right now it's best to speak to each other like two adults on equal ground until things are settled and agreed upon. I can see how things went so sour during that talk. In her shoes, I would have felt like you weren't even willing to listen to me when it really matters and communication is genuinely the most important thing for you two to focus on right now. You have to be willing to listen to each other and talk things out. In all honesty, she's right to say no to things she isn't comfortable with or negotiate changes to the rules. Her input is very important with that, and in the long run it helps make things work smoothly. If she genuinely agrees with the rules that you two decide to implement, she has no reason to not listen to you and THAT is the point where you would be right to assert dominance and she can trust you to do so. Ultimately, she has to agree with the details of the dynamic in order to submit to you and feel safe in doing so. Remember, dominance is appropriate AFTER everything has been discussed and consented to, not before. Right now you are just two people deciding what's what for the forthcoming relationship, not a dom and sub already. That's the best advice I can give you to work with and I hope that gives you the right insight so you two can work things out! 

[DerbyNerd]

Hi there, 

 

I'm a little myself not a dom so I might not answer this correctly but I can maybe give a little perspective. 

 

However I'd need more context as to what the rules she didn't like were, her reasoning and the changes she suggested. Without that it's a bit tricky to give any advice. There might be some legit reasons why she doesn't want to or can't accept particular rules. 

 

HOWEVER I will say that the talking down isn't acceptable; not even considering a dd/lg relationship it's just not cool to talk down to someone no matter the situation. Respect is important in all interactions.

[Satan]

Hello, Dominant little hear giving my two cents.

 

She has ever right not to consent to the things she doesn't agree with and changing things also seems reasonable. As a daddy is about doing what is in the best interest of the little to nurture them. Rules for rules sake are pointless. You need to remember she is still an adult and can make her own choices at the end of the day.

if your ego is so fragile that you need to be in control and aren't ready to negotiate rules and you simply aren't ready to be in a relationship.

As the rules aren't listed that's a big chunk in the story we are missing.

[Guest Carson_Daddy]

Hello. Just would like to clarify a few things and give my opinion as I see these replies have been largely accusative rather than constructional and helpful, in my opinion. Of course, everyone is entitled to their opinion and stances and I am actually glad to see the stances of a third party viewpoint. I will also take your responses into consideration and learn from them.

 

However, I would like to state that I don't agree that someone does "NOT have the right to assert dominance over" someone else. The beauty about ddlg is the same thing we all agree on. There is no correct way to do it, there is only an idea and each one of us has the power to mold it to our liking. What there IS a grounded rule over is consent; both parties must consent on anything, this includes dominance of course. Whether or not the dominance or any action happens before or after anything is up to the two parties to decide as long as it does not affect anyone else. It should go without mentioning that I, just as everyone else must, value consent above all and in my situation dominance and all other actions were consensual at all levels. This of course does not only have to do with dominance but every aspect of the dynamic, before and during. Also, the statement that I "wasn't even willing to listen" to her is not true in the slightest. Instead of disagreeing, getting angry, and ignoring, I tried my best to listen and take note and agree with what she was saying. My only intention with this post was to learn how I (or any other) could make it so that this action of talking down rudely wouldn't be repetitive and instead be respectful. After all, I openly admit and stated that she was RIGHT after all. And, apart from being right, she also had the right to say her mind. But there is a big difference to saying what is right and being plainly rude about it. It is common manners and politeness that is learned when you are in elementary. Lastly, as much as I agree with a lot of what the replies mentioned, I also believe that there is no correct way to follow ddlg and everyone must decide what would happen between them as long as it is consensual and legal. I never asked for advice on how me and the little should act, that is up to us to decide and no one else to dictate. I requested any advice on how daddies in general should act in this situation. I am sorry but I expected better advice than just "you are wrong, she is right".

 

*edited/changed for grammar*

Edited July 2, 2020 by Carson_Daddy

[SmolAetherr]

Hello, Dominant little hear giving my two cents.

 

She has ever right not to consent to the things she doesn't agree with and changing things also seems reasonable. As a daddy is about doing what is in the best interest of the little to nurture them. Rules for rules sake are pointless. You need to remember she is still an adult and can make her own choices at the end of the day.

if your ego is so fragile that you need to be in control and aren't ready to negotiate rules and you simply aren't ready to be in a relationship.

As the rules aren't listed that's a big chunk in the story we are missing.

this isnt a ego thing though, not to my eyes, i see "ego" being tossed around soo much these days

 

ddlg means different things to different people and its absolutely not out of the realsm of imagination picture a dynamic where a little is/feels independant and doesent need rules from her dom but that dom also desires the rules to intensify his enjoyment, thats is not ego not even close

 

the reverse would be a little who wants rules but is talking to a dom who does not care for them would it be the dom at fault for not following her wishes?

i know some who would say yes and i disagree

 

this would be compatibility issue or a little that feels like she is being dominated without her consent

 

from my perspective.

Edited February 24, 2021 by Aetherr

[DerbyNerd]

I think that people are trying to say that in this situation you shouldn't be needing to act dominant; as you're not her dominant yet since you're still in the discussion phase. That doesn't meant you have to take abuse; but even if she was rude reacting to that as a human not a dominant is probably a better idea. Take a break; then tell her what you disliked about how she spoke then see if there is a way to move past it. If not then maybe you aren't right for each other. 

[GlitterMonster]

So this is the stage where you learn and understand each other. I think you got a lot of advice related to that so I'll try to answer your question on staying dominant and assertive in this type of situation.

 

In my opinion,how the dynamic works us played out in the rules. So the rules could include the CG has final say, the little has veto power etc. Since this is not an official dynamic yet,it can be achallenge to enforce something as there is no agreement to listen/obey/ submit, the key is consent and agreement.

 

Now I'm a little so I'm just guessing how to stay and how I would feel the the dominance is still present using examples.

 

I hope I'm making some sort of sense here.

Ex. A little disagrees with a bedtime of 8pm due to unpredictable work schedule that could potentially have the little arriving home at 11pm.

The CG is going to have to say, I see your point and you are right. That would make it difficult for you to behave and follow the rules. I still want you yo have a bedtime so we will pick the time based on your work schedule and bedtime routines.

 

This keeps the control in the Dominant partners hands. You can ask for a screenshot of the schedule to make the bedtime in advance, you acknowledge the littles concern and respect that rule does not work, but still provide the original structure.

[SmolAetherr]

hey there as a dominant i figured i would toss my hat in and see if i can be helpful here

 

ill be taking quotes and breaking them down and explaining my thoughs on how you can handle these things better and put in some thoughs on how this little may be feeling though i am aware i do not know her and nor am i attempting to speak for her

 

"Although not my little and probably won't be for the next week at the very least"

based on the rest of your post i would hold off on asking her to be your little, you post tells me there are a few things going on so let's "unpack" them...

 

"she started saying which she doesn't want, which she wants to change, which she wants removed... etc. (To not make the post longer, I won't add the rules but I assure you they are very standard and common rules without anything excessively strict)."

 

this is absolutely within her right as an adult, she has to find a benefit out of this arrangement and these rules have to work for her too, you should talk to her about her reasoning for the changes she wants to make to better understand the changes she wants to make, but dont forget to make your cares about why you like the rules as they are, another thing i will add is you dont need to stick with a standard set of rules, if they don't work for her then they dont work period.

 

"I was and still am open with her saying what she doesn't like or approve of but then, after a while it became too much."

 

if you were feeling overwhelmed or upset:

this is when you tell her that its too much and you ask her to slow down

if she is asking for changes that you dont agree with:

im sorry to be blunt but as i said the rulse have to benefit both of you there should also be a middle ground in there so ther is that.

 

"but also my future little girl that I have to take care for and make decisions for when in littlespace."

 

this is a mistake, she still has agency and to say that her freedoms are essentially being taken away purely for your benefit would likely leave her feeling trapped and defensive

 

"Things became worse and it ended up in an argument with her saying that I don't truly understand what the concept of ddlg is and that I shouldn't call myself a daddy. Being fair to her, she did apologize for if she was a bit rude."

 

i would be fucking hurt too, being told who i am by a stranger especially someone i felt affection to, i'd be telling her to go dive in a lake. that thinking is pretty toxic it is good that she apologised because it absolutely was rude, this fake daddy shit needs to stop and its actually against the rules in the forum just incase anyone forgets, humans dont fit into labels, labels are made to fit humans purely for the sake of explaining who we are in summary.

 

"But the main point of this post is the following. I am a daddy that loves to care, protect, and be with my little but also one that, akin to almost all other doms, does not like their littles talking down on them and/or disciplining them; which is what I believe happened here. A dom likes staying in control and remaining dominant and seeing a little so carelessly talk them down is both hard to handle and extremely frustrating, even if the little is right."

 

op please reflect on this, this is not healthy no dom likes being talked down to by a little but you need to learn to handle this event better because this will happen alot especially when you have not earned respect, bratty littles are a prime example of why you will struggle with this thought process not many littles will roll over and submit easily or at all, how will you deal with that?

 

"How can a dom remain dominant and assertive but understanding and not sound like a jerk in a scenario like this?"

 

you are a dom but that doesent mean extending your dominance to every little you meet (not what you said but still), this goes back to my last point you are talking to a adult female you need to remember that.

 

"I feel that if I simply agree with what she talks me down over and apologize, that it will just let her subconsciously know that she can do it again whenever she feels like it."

 

this would be correct if this was not an adult we were talking about, i cannot stress this enough, she has to accept you before you can "flex" your position it doesent make you less of a dom in her eyes if she doesent agree with you at this point, she will respect you more if you respect her.

 

"there are better ways in saying it than threatening the very purpose of the dom role."

 

this makes me sad because to a degree i feel this, littles have the benefit of being able to fufill their desires alone by watching cartoons and whatever else they enjoy, us doms kinda need someone to you know.. dominate

i dont know a better way to say this other than, dont let one little make you feel threatened you are who you are and there are people out there who love you for who you are, you are more than what people view you as.

 

this is my obscenely long reply, thanks for reading haha!

[Satan]

this isnt a ego thing though, not to my eyes, i see "ego" being tossed around soo much these days

 

ddlg means different things to different people and its absolutely not out of the realsm of imagination picture a dynamic where a little is/feels independant and doesent need rules from her dom but that dom also desires the rules to intensify his enjoyment, thats is not ego not even close

 

the reverse would be a little who wants rules but is talking to a dom who does not care for them would it be the dom at fault for not following her wishes?

i know some who would say yes and i disagree

 

this would be compatibility issue or a little that feels like she is being dominated without her content

 

from my perspective.

I am referring to him saying " A dom likes staying in control and remaining dominant and seeing a little so carelessly talk them down is both hard to handle and extremely frustrating, even if the little is right."

 

This is a situation where he shouldn't be dominant as he isn't her Dom. if he feels need to control someone who isn't even in a dynamic with him that's definitely an issue with his ego.

While the little acted rudely so he says, the way he worded thing sounds like he's not willing to negotiate the rules which is an issue.

while you're entitled to your opinion I'm entitled to mine and I believe rules for the sake of rules is pointless.

Funishment isn't what I mean or anything like that. Of course both little and Dom want to enjoy the dynamic. That however isn't the issue here.

Edited July 2, 2020 by Satan

[SmolAetherr]

I am referring to him saying " A dom likes staying in control and remaining dominant and seeing a little so carelessly talk them down is both hard to handle and extremely frustrating, even if the little is right."

 

This is a situation where he shouldn't be dominant as he isn't her Dom. if he feels need to control someone who isn't even in a dynamic with him that's definitely an issue with his ego.

While the little acted rudely so he says, the way he worded thing sounds like he's not willing to negotiate the rules which is an issue.

while you're entitled to your opinion I'm entitled to mine and I believe rules for the sake of rules is pointless.

Funishment isn't what I mean or anything like that. Of course both little and Dom want to enjoy the dynamic. That however isn't the issue here.

i would say its more that op has trouble handling the situation and his emotions, op has stated that he has heard her out and respected her opinion, a person with an ego like you stated wouldnt be able to do that

 

i wont say you are wrong for saying what you are saying, it is your truth, i feel like it is rather harsh though, as i said

 

i'll leave it at that because its not about what i think of what you said.

Edited July 2, 2020 by Aetherr

[Satan]

i would say its more that op has trouble handling the situation and his emotions, op has stated that he has heard her out and respected her opinion, a person with an ego like you stated wouldnt be able to do that

 

i wont say you are wrong for saying what you are saying, it is your truth, i feel like it is rather harsh though, as i said

 

i'll leave it at that because its not about what i think of what you said.

Ego is someone's self-esteem or self-importance. The fact that he is attempting to dominate someone that he isn't in a relationship is him having extreme self-importance. It doesn't matter if he said she's right that doesn't mean he doesn't have inflated sense of self-importance. That is what I am getting at.

 

I don't think he has handled things correctly. I dont think he even realizes what the true issue is.

He is trying to force his will over someone who didn't consent to the rules and while stating what she was and wasn't comfortable with he said he didn't like it so she then reacted rudely.

[SmolAetherr]

Ego is someone's self-esteem or self-importance. The fact that he is attempting to dominate someone that he isn't in a relationship is him having extreme self-importance. It doesn't matter if he said she's right that doesn't mean he doesn't have inflated sense of self-importance. That is what I am getting at.

 

I don't think he has handled things correctly. I dont think he even realizes what the true issue is.

He is trying to force his will over someone who didn't consent to the rules and while stating what she was and wasn't comfortable with he said he didn't like it so she then reacted rudely.

 

now that i understand better i agree with you, thanks for being patient with my dumb ass and explaining your position!

[Satan]

now that i understand better i agree with you, thanks for being patient with my dumb ass and explaining your position!

no problem. You acted respectfully and said what you thought. I just wanted to clarify what I meant. No harm done.

[LittlePupRune]

Switchy boy here. I see a couple problems with this whole situation. Pretty sure I’m gonna be repeating what people have said above me, but I feel the need to add in my two cents.

First, you are in the negotiating stage and therefore open communication and give back-and-forth is important. I would never expect a little to accept a list of rules from me without any negotiation, nor would I as a little accept a list of rules from a prospective caregiver. You need back-and-forth to determine what works best for the two of you.

Second, I’d like to point out that CGL relationships are not inherently power dynamics. You approach this as a dominant, and the little you were talking to may not be the type of submissive or may not even be a submissive that works with what you were looking for. This would mean that there’s an incompatibility, beyond just inability to communicate.

Third, as a dominant and caregiver you need to be able to handle criticism. Granted that does not mean that you have to take it and allow it to stand, but you do have to learn how to control your reaction to it and react calmly and without anger.

[MysticSand]

I started reading through some of the responses but didn't get through all of them so apologies if this was already mentioned:

 

Did you or her ask why a rule should or should not be in place?

I think the 'why' is the most important part when talking things through, especially rules. It's important for both parties to understand and agree to why a rule is in place.

If it's something that she thinks is unfair or doesn't like, ask why. If it's something that you think would be helpful and beneficial for her, explain how/why.

 

I agree with what RavenclawPrincess responded and my above tip is with her response in mind.

[Guest Carson_Daddy]

Hello, original poster here.

 

I would love to respond to each one of you separately but I am afraid I would need an entire day to do that justice. Instead I will simply say I am glad so many of you pitched in to help, no matter if I agree with you or not. I'll take the advice and make my own conclusions. If anyone new wants to add anything else, feel welcome.

[Guest Avi]

I can already tell you that the above posters have been far more insightful than i can ever be, but im still gonna give you my 2 cents because screw it im invested now lol.

 

It seems to me personally that you regarded her as your little before you even entered the relationship and felt like she questioned your authority.i get where this comes from, but as long as you are not in a relationship, there is no authority. Full stop. (Unless youre a platonic CG of sorts which hasn't been mentioned so im assuming you're not.

 

Hell, even if you were in a relationship and she decides (as an adult) that she no longer likes a rule, you have to respect that and roll with it.

 

I know it really sucks to be told youre wrong but i do hope you get what i mean. No hard feelings and i hope y'all can work it out. Cheers.

Edited July 2, 2020 by Avi

[RavenclawPrincess]

Hello, original poster here.

 

I would love to respond to each one of you separately but I am afraid I would need an entire day to do that justice. Instead I will simply say I am glad so many of you pitched in to help, no matter if I agree with you or not. I'll take the advice and make my own conclusions. If anyone new wants to add anything else, feel welcome.

 

That's the beauty of being in a community like this, we have easy access to people that have more knowledge and experience than we have as individuals and that is SO helpful for those that can handle being given constructive criticism. Keep in mind that everyone always has room to grow and more often than not, advice is given around here with good intentions. It looks to me like quite a few people have joined the conversation and a lot of those people really do know what they're talking about and are well-respected and known for sharing good information with others. With that, take it as your peers serving you gold on a pretty platter rather than you having to figure these things out the hard way on your own.

 

In one of your previous responses, you made it very clear that you understand how important consent is in theory but as others have kindly pointed out, there are some key points that may have slipped your attention and are important for you to focus on. You're right to believe there is no "one twue way" to go about having a dynamic (don't even get me started on the people that believe otherwise), but there are definitely common standards that should be implemented in terms of how to go about insuring that your relationships are safe, sane, and consensual. Making a point to practice good communication and continuing to learn how to do so more effectively is also always a top priority for the best of the best that participate in this community. There's never any shame in "leveling up" your practices and habits so that all of these basic skills are areas where you learn and grow regularly. You and your relationships will be better for it if learning and growing is an ongoing long-term goal. 

 

Ultimately, the general consensus seems to be that the underlying issue with your current situation is that there are some blurred lines in your line of sight in terms of what does and doesn't constitute consent, and when the situation is and isn't appropriate for you to assert dominance. I sincerely hope that someone in this conversation has explained these key points in a way that has gotten through to you, as it's been explained in multiple ways by different people. That's always helpful in terms of gaining new knowledge for the sake of self-improvement and building better interpersonal skills within the dynamic. 

[baby_k]

What others said ( I would have told you to f*ck off if I was that little. Forcing anything on anyone, and thinking that the role of som/daddy gives you any right over another adult is just messed up. But yeah, those topics got covered ).

 

But to add for some question you had:

 

If we consider how the cg/dom stays in control in situations, it is by keeping ones cool: the moment one starts reacting emotionally ( in "negative" way ), one has lost the game and their power position. To stay in control one needs to keep away from reacting and making decisions in heat of moment, and instead listen and ask "why" like @MysticSand said. One also need to loose their ego, the need to SEEM like in control and to dictate.

 

People who I have seen highly dominant ( in good way ) either for personality or just by the way they handled some situation have something in common:

 

Especially when things start to go south, what they have done is listen. Listen and listen untill they could understand the other person's view point. After that ( and maybe little meditating ), they have had suggestion on how to proceed.  But not for second they would have tried to force any direction, and all the time they have been really considerate for the other person, their wants, needs and emotions as they were 'big enough people' to be able to do so. Often they have asked the other person "how this seems/feels/looks to you" if they either have tried to wrap the problem into some tangible sentences or after they have had some suggestion.

 

Selfishness normally has been really far from these people also. It is always discussion with them, not even negotiation. So, they would have been the one who stays in control, who guide the whole situation, and therefore is the real dominant even they may seem like just the student who gets lectured sometimes.

[Amber_dragon]

There are a lot of good suggestions and replies in this thread. Nice to read from everyone. I guess, what I haven't seen in responses is timing... so maybe I will add that. I think any relationship is built on time and trust.  You implied a list of rules after 3 or 4 days of chatting as DD/lg... that maybe you would enforce in a week or so if she bacame your little. That feels really fast to me. I know everyone moves at different paces. But I feel like it's good to get to know someone both as an adult and in little space... and then, when and IF you ENTER into a dynamic... ease into it, with one or two rules and some check ins.  I think both parties often get excited when they meet someone that seems compatible and want to jump in full force... but I feel this may take away from the ultimate success of the dynamic over time. Just my thoughts.  

[j0k3r]

Mate,

 

I won't go into the merits of your POV or the points made by other but going through your post - I would like to point of a few thing, that I think you should take into account.

 

First of, the little you are speaking to must be willing to submit to you. I'm not doubting your dominance but you should actually earn the right and trust to be dominant towards her. Even if she is a little and a sub that doesn't mean she is ok with you being dominant towards her.

 

Second, You have to tailor the rules and punishments to both your personalities. Have a discussion about what you would like to implement, the boundaries, safe words (even if there is no physical play involved, it always good to have those cleared out. You never know if someone is really doing something to push your buttons or genuinely against it. Having those safe words in place, she knows that she can clearly ask you to stop while actually meaning it)

If you (as in the dom) have conflicting ideas/thoughts/needs, it either means you should end things. If you do decide to move forwards, her (as in the Sub) ideas/thoughts/needs always take priority.

You shouldn't under no circumstances consider enforcing something that she isn't willing to accept to.

 

Even after the boundaries/safe words/rules and punishments are agreed to, both of you have to constantly revisit and make sure both to you continue to be ok with them

 

I completely understand what you are going through but the simple fact is she has not submitted to you.

You also have to realize that this is a power exchange. You might hold the power when and if she give it over but she controls the power you have over her.

 

Hope that make sense

[daddymind]

Hello, Dominant little hear giving my two cents.

 

She has ever right not to consent to the things she doesn't agree with and changing things also seems reasonable. As a daddy is about doing what is in the best interest of the little to nurture them. Rules for rules sake are pointless. You need to remember she is still an adult and can make her own choices at the end of the day.

if your ego is so fragile that you need to be in control and aren't ready to negotiate rules and you simply aren't ready to be in a relationship.

As the rules aren't listed that's a big chunk in the story we are missing.

 

Hell yes.

[Guest Daddy-Tom]

Everyone always has the right to decline ANY rule they don't like at ANY time. How you respond is up to you.

[The RealDaddyCat]

I think everyone is assuming he was trying to make these rules stick. Was he actually providing an example of his rules instead? Was she trying to top from the bottom?

 

I don't think he was prematurely try to assert being a Dom by sharing his rules