Overcoming Past Traumas and Preparing For A Health Relationship

[Kitten&Spice]

Hey guys! I want to start by saying that I want this thread to be a form of support for anyone on this forum! I find it important that we can all grow as individuals and that we learn to better ourselves and any relationships we currently have or plan to be in.

 

For starters I want to talk to you guys and get some advice as to how I can fix and overcome a traumatic time in my life. It was not easy and the relationship ended with harsh words and empty remarks. It was not a healthy way to end things and I will admit that I was immature with some of my remarks and behavior. Although I have apologized I still feel responsible for all of it. Even when I have come to realize how toxic and manipulative this person was for me. I have done what I could to end things on a happier note and yet this person has done nothing but avoid and mock me. Treating me as if I had never once existed in their life.

 

I know that in a way this had to happen. That I needed to let them go and open my eyes to how horrible they treated me and how the whole time Is as being used. But the fact that a person can just remove you from their life so easily and not feel any need to fix things hurts me to my core. And although I have worked on this for 2 years now I can’t help but wish for them to be back.

 

I am sure this sounds messed up but this person was my world for years. I grew up with them and did everything with them. I would see them every weekend and everyone always said that we were attached to the hip. You couldn’t find me with them being by my side and vise versa. I loved this person deeply. They became my world and I was happy.

 

But eventually that person got comfortable and changed. They would often make excuses to why they couldn’t hang out. They would only talk to me when we role played and when we first started to do sexual acts (never any further then over the clothes) it was all they ever wanted from me. I tried desperately to tell them that I want to stop. That I don’t want to do this anymore. And although they would agree it was like the would slowly sneak back in when my guard was down. Using roleplaying to their advantage they would slowly get back to our sexual habit. I would fight and push but eventually I would get so tired of it. I would do what I could to avoid role playing with them but eventually I became so desperate for their attention I would give in and accept it.

 

They would become more violent and would even hurt me to where I would bruise or bleed. Things became nothing but habit for them and painful for me. Eventually it got verbally abusive. They would blame me for everything. Telling me that I was the problem. That I stressed them out all the time. That I was the reason they were robbed of life. No matter how much I tried to please them eventually I came to conclude that I was nothing more then an object for them. A doll for them to take their hurt out on. They would lie about things to make me feel sorry for them and pity them. I don’t know why I didn’t realize but even my own struggles they would adopt as a mask and use as a way to keep me around.

 

Finally I had enough. I told them that I was not taking it anymore. That I am not the one that is causing them problems. We yelled and argued. We went silent for the first time and the last thing I remember saying is that “you are the one who stresses me out. And we will see who the real problem is.” They did not take that lightly and said to stay out of my life. I don’t need you.

 

Now 2 years later they haven’t changed a bit. If anything they only stay home. Having their mom cook for them and then going back to their room. My family even said that they have no aspirations or desires to do anything. And that they even lost friends due to their negative attitude and hateful demeanor. Part of me thinks that this is all my fault. And it really ruined my trust for people. I am terrified that no one really wants me. That I am only an object up for auction. I even stopped acting like myself in fear that I would be hurt again. And my little space has been suppressed due to the fear. I don’t let anyone in. And yet all I do is crave for some form of affection and time.

 

I want to ask if there is some advice as to how I can heal from this. How do I get over my fear and finally open up to someone? I want to find someone and I want to be just as loving and playful as I know I can be. I just don’t know if I am capable of that anymore. I want to get my little space back and heal. Does anyone have some advice on this? And if any of you need the same kind of advice I hope that you can use this thread to help. Sorry for the long post.

[RavenclawPrincess]

First of all, it's AMAZING that you are taking a bad situation and using it to fuel positive growth, Kudos to you for that, and I can say that you are already on the right track there!

 

Trusting again is SO scary, I think many of us are in the same boat. I myself struggle so much with this. Even with friends that I've known for years my guard is still up. I can't necessarily advise you on that aspect because I haven't overcome it myself. The best I can do on that point is to encourage you to keep searching for a solution and don't give up on that aspect of self improvement.

 

Little space, on the other hand, I might be able to give you a few tips on. It is SO crucial in my opinion for little's to be able to enter that head space independently. So many rely on that being in the hands of a CG, and that's no good when not partnered with someone. I don't know how it is for you, but little space is my time to decompress and relax and being blocked from little space does damage my mental health, personally. Take some time to think about triggers that put you into little space and using those triggers independently. There are SO many little shows and activities that you can use. Some of my favorites are watching Barney or Fancy Nancy, coloring, and playing with other littles. This won't correct you being able to be little with a partner in itself, but it can help you overcome that block and get your little space back. It's possible once you've reached the point of getting your little space back, you'll have an easier time engaging with a CG in that state of mind. 

[MissPattch]

Like Ravenclawprincess said, points fr standing up for yourself and choosing to make that move to end what was clearly a very toxic relationship. It takes crazy inner strength to be the better person in a bad situation <3

 

You said you feel like you were responsible for all the bad stuff, well, that is not at all possible. You are not and weren't ever responsible for the things this other person did. You can only ever be in charge of your own actions and reactions, the guilt you feel is whats leftover from this negative situation you were in. I know it sounds a little cliche, but forgiving yourself for the things you said, and apologising for them should be enough to start working towards clearing some space in your conscience to enable you to start moving forward. Knowing you did all you could to keep things civil is a huge step. I split last year from my abusive ex, and the only reason we are still communicating, is because i chose to make it that way so our son didn't suffer. Everything is a choice. Choosing to let go, even though its not easy, is still a choice, and one that will need to be consciously made every day until it becomes second nature. 

 

Until you are happy on your own and in your own skin, only then would i suggest you find somebody safe to let in. I cn't really give you any advice about your little space, i've only been playing in mine a few months, but i'm sure there are plenty of others who can help you with that aspect of things.  The key is to just take all the time you need, don't rush anything just because you want to be with another person. In my opinion, and i'm in no way a professional, but i feel like it would benefit you more if you heal the past relationship trauma before you try to fix whats going on with your little space, unless you find stepping into little space when it gets here a comfort. 

 

You're a strong person, as is evident by what you've already achieved, just go slow, and work on small things, we're all here if you need us <3

[Alaskan Daddy]

Having been in a few relationships that I felt hurt by the actions of someone I trusted and loved. You did nothing wrong by telling your 'ex' your feelings. Your EX had no problem being a bully and saying things that were very hurtful to you. It is not your fault that your EX has decided not to moe on and become more productive in their lives. There are so many things that were done to you that show your EX had no respect for your needs and desires. 

There are two things I would suggest you do. First DO NOT STOP being yourself. That being said you need to protect your heart and not share the things that make you vulnerable. What I did that helped was always make anyone whom I choose to have a relationship with was to earn anything I gave them. If they did anything to break that trust no matter how little, I pulled back. No one else will protect your heart but you. I also had times where I had many yearnings for love and affection. If any one tries to bring you down, push them out of your life. I can tell by your words that you are confident with who you are as a person. You are always going to have people in your life that don't care about you or your feelings. That is not your fault, it is just who they are inside their hearts. Stay true to yourself and protect your heart and you will find someone who will love you for who you are in your heart.  I hope my words help. 

[Kitten&Spice]

Thank you all so much for the kind words. Honestly they made me cry. I don’t usually get told that I did the right thing. My family even blames me and still thinks I should fix things considering that they are a close friend to my family’s child. So hearing that really makes me feel better.

 

I will definitely try to explore my little space more and find ways of regression without my normal triggers. I used baby talk, praises, and head pats as immediate triggers for me. So I will definitely try some new things! I haven’t been in little space for so long since I got hurt the most during that time. It is a bit difficult but I need to claim it back.

 

The one thing I don’t want to do is start a relationship while I am so broken. I would hate myself if I ever hurt someone and compared them to the person. And no one deserves that. I am a patient person! Just tend to miss the things I got into the habit of. My ex used to talk to me all the time and I miss the interactions. Or just human contact as I will put it. But with that in mind that is one reason I should wait before getting serious. So thank you!

 

I appreciate the advice and the support! It means a lot to me!

[MissPattch]

Just one more thing... be careful about the words you use on yourself.... you aren't "broken". You are just hurting. Positive internal commentary is a huge help, so only look at the good bits!! You are perseverant, and patient, and self aware, be kind to your insides, and it'll show on the outside <3

[Kitten&Spice]

Thank you MissPatch! I do tend to associate a lot of negative words towards myself. I didn’t even realize I did it again when I was talking about myself. I have been working hard on it and sometimes it slips through. So thank you for that! I will work on the way I talk about myself in a more positive way!

[RavenclawPrincess]

In terms of interactions, have you thought about perhaps turning to other littles? This is another way where you don't need to be in a relationship/partner to nurture your little side, but you can absolutely build a squad/support system of people that you can turn to, even if it's just for something small like watching little shows/movies together. It does help sometimes to have people that you can be little with, but that doesn't mean that it needs to go into the realm of partnership, which you're avoiding while you work on yourself (and you are SO right for doing this). I've found that having other littles to do activities with and talk to as friends goes a very long way because we understand each other and can help each other work through hard things, and it isn't a high pressure situation where you're trying to work things out with a partner. Little friends are also great for helping each other when negative self talk is part of the equation. I see it all the time in the chatroom. Someone will pop in with something bad to say about themselves and darn near every little that's there will chime in with positivity and encouragement. That's something that helps me remember to be kind to myself when my mindset is going in the wrong direction, even when I'm not the one that's being directly corrected on having a bad mindset towards myself. Things like that could REALLY help, and there's ways that you don't have to go it alone while still staying out of relationships while you've got healing to do. 

[Kitten&Spice]

Thank you Ravenclawprincess! I do have a few littles that I talk to and interact with! I don’t have to many thanks to some problems in the past. I had a few little friends who would get lonely and would ask if I could play as a mommy. Which of course I didn’t mind to help but when it became a regular occurrence it wore me out trying to play a role I was not into.

 

But I have met some wonderful littles recently on Kik. They are supportive and one even helped me when I was having an identity crisis due to my dysphoria. I tend to find more little friends on Kik since it is an easier way of texting and messaging! I will definitely talk to them about maybe helping me find my little space and maybe do some play again! I tend to not do that but I need to open up and be trusting!