My First Caregiver "Imprinted" On My Heart Please Send Bandaids

[littlekami]

This is sort of a long one but I promise I tried to only mention what's relevant! 

Questions are at the bottom. 

 

 

BACKGROUND: 

 

When I was lonely and misunderstood and in a broken home I met what was basically my first caregiver on an online game. I didn't call him that, I referred to him as my boyfriend, but the dynamic was still there and I would "act" little via text. He was my first real love. 

 

We talked every day for almost two years until he broke up with me. The issue was that I wasn't emotionally mature, I was clingy and scared of being alone, I'd act passive-aggressively for extra attention, I was living with people who abused me and as my caregiver he helped me to his detriment. He was the same age as me so looking back at it I'm amazed that he handled it so well, and I feel terrible for the strain I put on him. 

 

I did some very terrible things that hurt him, including harming myself not only out of self hatred but as a way to get attention, and when he tried to break up with me I wouldn't leave. We went through periods of him ignoring me, and then not ignoring me, and then ignoring me again. It's not like my mental health was improving because my environment was bad, and as a result our relationship didn't improve for him either. Eventually it escalated to me threatening to reveal one of his secrets to someone else if he ignored me. Fortunately he didn't believe that I would do it and I guess something in that experience made me leave for his sake, even though I didn't want to leave. He was gentle with me and little me every step of way. It was seriously some heart-touching care he put into the breakup. 

 

At the time I thought that losing him, my caregiver, the only person in the world I really liked/loved, was the end of the world. My depression worsened, I hated myself more than ever, I didn't think I had a future worth living for (this idea was made worse by my environment) and I didn't think I would ever love anyone else that much again. 

 

Later I became romantically involved with someone else, and it wasn't fair considering that I didn't believe I could love them as much as my first caregiver. I began learning about polyamory at that time too. I discussed having an open relationship with my new caregiver, and he wasn't into it so we broke up. Following that I met my daddy and I've genuinely been in love with him ever since and we're in a stable happy open relationship where we respect each other and try to work out any problems in a healthy way. He's helped me become a much better person and he proved me wrong in my thought that I couldn't love another person as passionately. I love my daddy differently and with just as much passion as I did my first caregiver. 

 

I have never gotten over my first caregiver/love though. It's been almost 10 years. Not only that, but it's like he's imprinted himself onto me and my heart. If I had to describe my type to someone else, if I had to describe someone I'd look back at when they passed me on a sidewalk, I'd still describe his appearance and characteristics. At first I was just trying not to think about him, and even though I'd slowly think less about him he'd show up in my dreams anyway. I could go a few months without thinking about him and then BOOM my dream makes it feel like he's real and in front of me. After the dreams started I began occasionally browsing one of his social media accounts. This didn't make it better, but since it was mostly reposts it wasn't that much worse. 

 

The real problem started when he began streaming himself playing video games. At the time when I met him streaming services weren't a thing yet. We could hardly voice/video chat with our internet speeds. Now he's more of a real person than he ever was in the past. He's still the person I remember too, just older. We still have interests and hobbies in common and I still think he's cute as heck and I laugh at his jokes.

 

He stopped streaming for a long while but just recently started again and watching him is my guilty pleasure. Sometimes I'm the only one watching the stream, and I just think it would be really wrong for me to leave any comments. If I make comments without revealing who I am it's like I'm secretly trying build some sort of relationship from the position of a stalker, if I say who I am he might assume the worst of me and actually think he's being stalked by a crazy person because well... I'll face it, he basically has been. I don't really want to be told to never watch him stream, and I don't want to make him feel unsafe. 

 

The adult side of me knows I'm crazy. I don't think there's anything I can say or do to make these feelings appear less crazy. Every time I try to talk about it with someone I feel like I sound crazy. 

All of this feels more complicated because I consider him to be my first caregiver. The little/middle inside of me is attached to him. I became attached to him at a stage in my teen development where it made a huuuge and lasting impact. So because they are little/middle feelings and romantic feelings they just feel so strong and out of control sometimes. When I watch him stream I go through so many positive and overwhelming emotions and I don't think I can even make a comment towards him about the stream because he told him not to talk to him. I get butterflies when he smiles or does something cute and it's like I could burst! 

 

I started getting into creative writing as a way to express those feelings, and it does help. Part of me wants to draw pictures of his face to expel that energy. It's just crazy. That's what crazy people do, isn't it? He didn't want to talk to me anymore because I'm crazy, and here I am being crazy almost 10 years later. I feel like a stalker. I have feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment like a stalker. The little/middle in me hasn't aged as much as the world has, so my feelings are stuck and apart of me the same way being a little/middle is. It's difficult to explain this to others because I can't explain the DDlg dynamic and I think it makes a difference. I've talked to my daddy before but I don't want to keep bringing it up after he's given me his thoughts and advise already. 

 

I've fantasized about a perfect world where I apologize and he actually responds and says he forgives me and then we proceed to laugh and have fun and play games and one day meet and go on a date and kiss. I don't care about titles, I don't care about being possessive of someone, I just want good happy times with someone I liked and still like. If we had met now instead of then I think we'd still like each other - but instead we met at a time when we could hardly voice/video chat, let alone play any games together, and I was being abused and suffering from mental health issues. I want a chance to be friends again and kisses and hugs would just be icing on top. That's what I want, that's what the little in me wants. 

 

So I've been standing at a crossroad for a while not wanting to make any choices and just feelings my feelings. I occasionally write them out in the form of a short story. Sometimes I write posts about it, such as now, to gain outside perspective on something I am really embarrassed about. This is my first time asking littles/caregivers, which is silly because I think you all might have the most relevant perspective. 

 

QUESTIONS:

 

1) Littles, do you feel "imprinted" by your first caregiver/first real love? As in, have they left a long lasting mark on you? (Not imprinting as in the definition from Twilight that seems to be more about love at first sight)

 

2) Is there anyone else who is poly/non-monogamous that has cared for someone a long time after a breakup and/or after entering new happy romantic relationships? I'm wondering if that's maybe a normal poly thing. 

 

3) Caregivers, have you ever needed to break off a relationship with a little you really cared about because you couldn't help them with their mental health or because they were causing you mental health issues? Did you understand their limitations? were you resentful of them for hurting you?

 

4) Have you, little or caregiver, ever told someone not to talk to you again? Are there any circumstances where you would reconsider? Could you forgive them? If you were a live streamer and the person who hurt you was watching, how would you want them to behave? Is 10 years a creepy long time and I'm a stalker by default?

 

5) Should I just get over my fear and tell him who I am and ask him if I can comment on his stream? 

I don't have any public social media so he couldn't actually find me and talk to me if he wanted to, and I've been locked out of all my old IM accounts and email addresses. He has not renewed his request in the last 10 years, and he couldn't un-request it either. 

 

6) I don't think I can make the feelings go away, so does anyone have any other tips for how I could safely express the emotions and energy without hurting myself or him and disregarding his last request to not talk to him?

 

 

 

Thanks for your time and thoughts!

 

Sincerely,

An ashamed little stalker 

[Guest]

This is quite a lot that you're going through. I happen to be polyamorous myself.

We have much love to give to others, and I've come to the conclusion it's being needy for some caregivers and not others.

Some caregivers love their littles excess attention and sunshine.

There can be a limit where we push too much, because we are so open about our feelings. (For certain people we're difficult to understand)

 

About your situation though. Have you spoken to your caregiver about how you're feeling towards your former one?

Being open with him first would be the best way to start. (That is if you haven't spoken to them yet)

Maybe voicing what you're looking for out loud will solidify what you really need/want.

Think of the pros and cons of being in contact with your former caregiver.

 

Yes we have huge generous hearts to love others, but we also need to care for ourselves first. Come to terms with what's going through your mind and heart first before reaching out completely.

 

Picture the future and how it could play out in multiple ways.. (Not only the good ones I do that too)

 

If you can see his forgiveness its possible he'd be willing to forgive. If you left on horrid terms maybe he'd be willing to clear the air. If he still feels for you in certain ways maybe there is a chance for more.

 

My suggestion though, dont get your beautiful little heart set on an outcome.

Be happy where you are, and how far you've come.

Be happy that you're stronger than the problems you had in your past.

 

Also through your excitement you may find a light through this tunnel. Stay excited for a future opportunity, just make sure you don't set all your hopes on one outcome.

 

Sending love and good vibes for you lovely! I do hope my words can help on some level.

 

- DJ

[Guest XoX_SweetPea_XoX]

I can't really answer you questions other then to tell you a bit of my story with my daddy, and experience. My daddy imprinted on me when I was 10 years old, the only person to show me I'm care for without wanting in return. He says he always new there was something not right with me, which was evident by my behavior towards him, unsure why he was being nice without wanting anything, and continuously trying, always being told it's not ok to act that way, and corrected by him, a very confusing time for me, but we think that is why he imprinted on me. So yes caregivers can imprint on you if you are not use to being cared for, and they are the first. My daddy rescued me at 15 after I hadn't seen him in 2 years (I met him cause he dated my sister, they broke up) and reconnected cause he wanted to check up on me, he moved me in a month later. After our Spawn was born he had a hard time, couldn't cope with me, and a baby, so left, but stayed a good father, making sure our Spawn was taken care of, and stay making sure I had help, and people taking care of me, just not him. He took really good care of Spawn. After 3 years he couldn't handle being away from me anymore, he really missed me. He moved me back in, and has been the best daddy since. Those 3 years were so hard emotionally, not calling or talking to him, unless he called me, but I understood that it was too much for him to handle at the time, and had Spawn to think about (Spawn's an adult as of today his birthday). We are poly/non-monogamous, He has non-little girlfriends, but our big rule is if they are going to be seen in public then I must meet them first, and they must become friends with me, and ok with me, and spawn, and do family stuff with us. We also have joint non-little special friends he brings home from time to time, but it hard to find people who like me, cause I'm an acquired taste. Over those 3 years he had a girlfriend that he did love the whole time, and would have slips of wanting to bring me back home, that what eventually ended them, and he brought me back home cause his love for me was so much more deeper.

[baby_k]

1) Littles, do you feel "imprinted" by your first caregiver/first real love? As in, have they left a long lasting mark on you? (Not imprinting as in the definition from Twilight that seems to be more about love at first sight)

2) Is there anyone else who is poly/non-monogamous that has cared for someone a long time after a breakup and/or after entering new happy romantic relationships? I'm wondering if that's maybe a normal poly thing.

 

I don't think you just stop loving people you have truly cared: the love just changes form and is no longer romantic. That is not just some poly thing but human thing.

 

First love for me ended for pretty valid reasons ( which I understood only later properly ), so not missing that person as we couldn't have worked out. But I'm still in contact with my previous caregivers, or the proper good ones at least. If I have issues, I often think of them and seek their help even now. With one we truly are purely just friends but he was important person for me and I respect him massivly. So, yes, that person has made lasting mark on me with his comments, help and attitude to life: he just is amazing person I can look up to. Then the other one is more complex case but I love the dynamic we have, and that is pretty addictive.

 

You sound like you have not really dealt with the breakup, and now have all sort of fantasies on how things could be with your ex. Normally things end for valid reason, and often it is because two people just form somehow a bad loop or dynamic that is not bringing the best out from both. Your previous rel is no different: it made you act in insane ways where as someone more fitting to you could have maybe calmed down your "craziness". Of course we need to take responsability over our actions but our environment can make us be even more dickish people or it can smoothen our edges at least a bit. Imo you should try to see also the bad in that rel without thinking it was just your inmaturity. For it hardly ever is just one thing or one person causing the issues. ( Not saying he did anything wrong, just that maybe he wasn't the best fit to you ).

 

 

 

4) Have you, little or caregiver, ever told someone not to talk to you again? Are there any circumstances where you would reconsider? Could you forgive them? If you were a live streamer and the person who hurt you was watching, how would you want them to behave? Is 10 years a creepy long time and I'm a stalker by default?

 

Yes, I have told that to someone. Would I talk to that person now? Yes but I would have my guard up, and I doubt I could ever feel too comfortable around them. Just too much history.

 

5) Should I just get over my fear and tell him who I am and ask him if I can comment on his stream? I don't have any public social media so he couldn't actually find me and talk to me if he wanted to, and I've been locked out of all my old IM accounts and email addresses. He has not renewed his request in the last 10 years, and he couldn't un-request it either. 

 

You could apologise your actions in past, and maybe get some clousure by doing so. However, what you wrote after your question is worrysome: you are trying to reason to yourself that maybe he would like to contact you or talk to you. It is living in fantasyland and doesn't seem too healthy for you ( that is normal stuff people do when they are in middle of break up and try to come up with excuses to talk to the other person or to keep the fantasy alive that you would get back together ).

 

6) I don't think I can make the feelings go away, so does anyone have any other tips for how I could safely express the emotions and energy without hurting myself or him and disregarding his last request to not talk to him?

 

If it has been 10 years, so if he said it bit in heat of moment, he might not be super upset if you contact him. BUT be upfront on why you do it and respect his wishes after that. Having a creepy stalker is not nice, so lurking around him is not great. Preferrably contact him and see if he prefers you to stay away or if he is fine to talk with you.

 

Also: have you considered what if he has someone else? Or have you wounded him so much that he can't form relationships anymore? Are you prepared to hear his side of story and him maybe totally bashing you or something else? As he has right to be mad at you ( even I would say he most likely won't be after that long time but he may resent you ). And have you fixed the issues you had back then and have you matured really or would it just be repeating the same patter as before? ( Because mostly taht happens with rels: people regress into those people they were before in eachother's company ).

 

As long as you keep up hope that you two might get back together, you won't be over him. You also can't know so well how he has changed in 10 years, maybe you would be totally incompatible. You have crush on fantasy and not him, if you ask me. Might be worth trying to get update on what sort of person he is or if he refuses to talk to you. As you really need to move on from that person ( or get back with them but that seems unlikely to happen ).

 

[MysticSand]

3) Caregivers, have you ever needed to break off a relationship with a little you really cared about because you couldn't help them with their mental health or because they were causing you mental health issues? Did you understand their limitations? were you resentful of them for hurting you?

I can't rightly or completely answer this as I'm still pretty new to CGL and have only had and still have one Little.

However, I have most definitely cut people out of my life in general. I had different situations than you though, since for me it didn't matter if I cared a lot about the other person - they didn't care as much as I did for them and that was that.

On the other hand, I think at least 1-2 people have had to cut me out of their lives because I was the one who was passive aggressive and manipulative. I don't blame them for having done it, and I'm glad they did because it made me take a hard look at myself and to change.

 

4) Have you, little or caregiver, ever told someone not to talk to you again? Are there any circumstances where you would reconsider? Could you forgive them? If you were a live streamer and the person who hurt you was watching, how would you want them to behave? Is 10 years a creepy long time and I'm a stalker by default?

Oops. I think I answered this in the above.

For me, when I cut someone out, they're out. I know myself better and the reasons I cut people out are because they didn't treat me how I treated them and that's no one's fault because at the end of the day we were just different people with different values and goals.

For the 1-2 that cut me out of their life, we talked either months later or a year later and caught up briefly but that's about it. Didn't stay in touch because we'd both moved on.

 

If I were a live streamer, I wouldn't want someone watching me if we'd already parted our ways. And to be honest, I'm more likely the person to be the creepy stalker than any of the people who I've cut out or cut out of my life. XD But I know that lingering over someone is crazy, and so in the beginning I had to mentally force myself to stop and actively not continue to try and see what they're up to. The key is to fill your time with other things otherwise your thoughts will be your worst enemy.

 

5) Should I just get over my fear and tell him who I am and ask him if I can comment on his stream? 

I don't have any public social media so he couldn't actually find me and talk to me if he wanted to, and I've been locked out of all my old IM accounts and email addresses. He has not renewed his request in the last 10 years, and he couldn't un-request it either. 

In my opinion, no to the thousandth degree. I agree with what baby_k above said on this.

You need to get over him and have a better sense of yourself. It sounds like there was no resolution at the end of this relationship but it's not his responsibility to provide that nor fair to expect that of him. I honestly think this is something you need to talk to a professional about. You're smart and rational in knowing your thoughts are crazy, but yet you continue to let them run and allow yourself to become in a sense obsessive over him by internet 'stalking' him - which is the part that sounds like a professional needs to be involved.

 

You say that there's no way for him to actually talk to you if he wanted to, and I highly doubt that. Thinking that adds to your illusion of hope.

If he wanted to talk to you, he'd find a way. This is again only my opinion and advice, but if he asked you to never talk to him again, you should respect him enough to respect his wishes.

 

6) I don't think I can make the feelings go away, so does anyone have any other tips for how I could safely express the emotions and energy without hurting myself or him and disregarding his last request to not talk to him?

I think you need to seek advice from a professional therapist or counselor. It's not just a relationship that this unhealthy obsession comes from, but also the trauma of your environment at that time.

My personal way to deal with something like this is to go cold turkey. I have self control enough at this point to not review sites or messages where I know I could come across something of theirs, so maybe try deleting all of his info and such from your tech and deleting the browser history. If you've memorized his info, actively catch yourself when you're typing in his handle and don't. Instead, go to occupy yourself with a show or do another activity where you won't have the same temptation and ease to look him up.

 

Having creative outlets like drawing is a great way to get out that energy and emotion - but please definitely don't draw him or anything that is associated with him, that just feeds your obsession and defeats the purpose of having a creative outlet. If it's hard to think of what to draw, try to imitate another picture that already exists or create your own version of well known pictures. Focus on your mood and draw that. Is it sadness, anger, frustration? Get those emotions out.

 

Oh, and try some kind of exercise or vigorous activity. Or just taking a walk! Things that will move your headspace elsewhere and give you another objective to zero in on.

[Guest clumsy_little]

My first "caregiver" did leave an imprint on me, but it wasn't like yours. The imprint was ugly, a thing I want to forget, more like rip off my memories. He was obviously a fake daddy, using my naiveness and innocence to get what he wanted, at least tried to. Being a person who had never masturbated or really knew anything about the sexual dynamic, I was totally clueless. He lives in UK and I live in India, there was a problem with time difference. His rules...   I don't even think I can call them rules. They were all about not to touch myself or tell him when I was horny, which never happened. He would just start sexting, talking about me doing things to his ding dong. The worst were him sending me audios of him masturbating even tho I told him that I'm not ready for that part. I would literally beg to stop and let me sleep because I had classes in the morning, that I was completely exhausted. If I stopped responding him, he would literally blow up my phone with message,saying how I'm not an ideal little or sub (I don't even wanna be a sub). I couldn't switch off my phone because I wasn't allowed to (for emergency reasons). I was scared that my parents will know due to constant flash of my phone. I didn't knew how to tell him off or break it off then because I was new to it and didn't knew what to do. Finally after a month I broke it off with him and blocked him everywhere, even deleted my account on the website we met on. It is easier for me to move on now because my present Daddy treats me like a princess, always remind me that he's proud of me and how I'm such a good girl. For him, I'm more important than anything. Daddy just replaced those horrid memories with pretty ones. 

 

*sighs*

 

I was gonna tell Daddy about this in future but I never thought that he'll now know about it through this

 

*shrugs*

[Guest Teasing Tink]

I don't think you're crazy. I think it's some what normal for someone you cared a lot about to have left such an impact on you and to still think about them -- even years later -- especially when there's unresolved feelings/lack of closure (like on your end). And this is true for anyone -- poly or not poly, romantic or not romantic, little or not little etc. etc. Your subconscious brought it up in your dreams for a reason. I've had dreams like that as well about people I lost touch with or things ended on not the greatest terms years later. It's natural for your mind to want to resolve these things. No one likes when things end poorly.

 

It sounds like you broke up with him to protect him from yourself? I just got a little bit confused on the story/time line because you also said he told you he didn't want to talk to you any more because you're crazy. I don't know if those are your words or his words and what context he said all that in -- like If it was said out of anger or calmly with no ill will towards you.

 

People can tell you what they would do in his shoes but at the end of the day, none of us are him and everyone is different. If he's the type of person who can forgive and doesn't hold a grudge, then I don't think you'd have a problem with messaging him to clear the air -- especially if you felt there were things that were left unsaid on your end (anything you didn't get a chance to apologize for) before you ended things with him. If you do message him though, make your intent clear and don't put pressure on him for more. Basically, put on your Big pants. Tread carefully and feel things out. Don't go into getting your hopes up of a romance. I would say it's unhealthy to fantasize about that in an obsessive way because you're setting yourself up for disappointment/to be hurt, but I understand that it's hard to control your feelings too when you've shared your heart with someone like that. It's easy to feel like no time has passed. If you're in a better place mentally/no longer living in a toxic environment (which I assume you are), then I don't see why you can't get closure from saying whatever you want to say. It'll probably drive you nuts if you don't anyway. I've done that with a couple of people myself (not necessarily romantic partners) but either the person changed their email or they just didn't want to respond. Be prepared to accept either type of response. I probably wouldn't mention watching his stream if I were in your shoes because that might make him feel uncomfortable/unsafe. I'd probably feel flattered by something like that myself, but I'm a weirdo. Like I said, everyone is different. 

[littlekami]

Hey! I have an update for you all

 

I really appreciate the advice you all provided me, and I especially appreciate that no one sugar coated the clearly unhealthy and out of control behaviors and thoughts I was having. 

 

For a few days I thought hard about all possible outcomes, I tried to figure out if I was ready for the outcome to be bad, I thought about what I wanted and why, and I determined that it was time to face my fear head on and just be honest. 

 

I agonized over it for a bit, I had some intense butterflies in my tummy and when I made the decision that I was going to message him I had the constant feeling of preparing to go down a steep slope on a roller-coaster and it was nauseating. After I sent the message I had to go distract myself. 

 

I did it though! I sent it and his response was positive. We seem to have some mutual feelings about the past and he actually thanked me for reaching out. To clarify from the original post, I truly am not simple to find online by searching for my personal info, this was a choice I made and actively pursued. I'm not sure if he would have reached out to me if I had public social media, however the fact that I knew he couldn't even if he wanted to did influence my choice to reach out to him. 

 

I couldn't have done this without the supportive comments and advise you all left for me. I couldn't have done this without knowing that if something went bad and I got hurt by this that people in this community would take time to listen to my feelings and offer advise; ya'll helped me feel brave. I was also fully prepared to begin looking for professional help once I got rid of those "what if" thoughts and knowing I had that resource available helped too. 

 

I spoke with my daddy about this a while ago and received advise from him. I haven't told him about this turn of events yet though. I was honestly expecting to be ignored and I wasn't going to tell my daddy until later when I was ready because it was something only I could work through. I just need some time to process these events now before I can figure out what to say about it. 

 

I feel relieved of my guilt and shame and I feel so much lighter now. I am so grateful that I can let go of something that was weighing me down. Even if me and my first cg part ways again from here I feel better. 

 

Thank you again to all that responded.