Too Independent for a Caregiver?

[princessfreckles]

For the majority of the time I've been a middle, I've been without a caregiver. Sure initially I had a couple of daddies that were long distance. Neither ended well at all, but I won't go into the depressing details. On the vanilla side of things, I've never had a boyfriend (pathetic at my age, I know). Because of those two factors, and that I don't trust anyone easily; I've been forced to be a fairly independent person and little. Learning how to get into little space without help, self soothe, basically do things without a caregiver. 

 

My questions:

 

Is there such thing as too independent to the point that a potential caregiver is turned off? As in you thinking, "that little does everything on their own, they don't need anyone to care for them. I won't waste my time."

 

Do caregivers feel like they can't bring much to the table and are scared off by these types of littles? 

 

If an older little (actual age, not little age) hasn't had a caregiver or a real relationship, is that a red flag?

 

Littles with similar experience, do you feel that those things are a detriment to your ability to find a caregiver? How did you overcome them?

 

In general, how do you keep up your optimism? I've been faking it for a while to my little and CG friends, and I'm afraid the cracks in the facade or showing. 

 

Any advice?

[MysticSand]

Hiiiiiiii! Your questions speak to me on multiple levels.

 

I'm going to start off by saying that it took me a bit to realize that I'm probably 90%'ish percent CG with fleeting moments of Little'ism.

With that said, onto the questions!

 

Too independent being a turn off to a CG?:

Personally, Hell to the no! I think for me, who identifies also as a very independent woman that's 30, it actually scares me if/when a Little is overly dependent on others (whether it be a CG figure or not).

There are a lot of things I think people should learn and know how to do by a certain age, and I'm more attracted to Littles who have the willingness to learn to do things or if they already know how to do something, to learn how to do it a different or better way. I actually think it's more endearing if a Little can do things on their own, but is more willing to change or adapt their habits to implement feedback from a CG or to incorporate their CG.

In general, I think everyone should be independent and whole on their own first before searching out a relationship or CGL connection. It's dangerous when someone is unable to care for themselves and overly dependent on another (which is partly why I suspect there's a loooooot of thinly veiled emotional/physical abuse relationships mentioned in various threads on the forum).

 

Do CGs feel like they can't bring much to the table of independent littles?:

I think I answered this in the above but to reiterate: Nah. It's all about the willingness and attitude of the other person to listen and be willing to let the other into their lives, however that may look.

For example, perhaps a little is already brushing their teeth every day. A CG could help up their hygiene routine by, for example, also helping them to incorporate flossing, tongue scraping, face washing, etc.... There's always something to bring to the table and honestly I think a lot of the times it doesn't even need to be CGL related things; compatibility is so much more than just being able to help a little take care of themselves, but can/should also extend to helping them with their personal and professional lives, and just being a good friend or sounding board when needed. The basis of any relationship (romantic or not) is a deep connection and friendship. Apps and calendars can help remind us when to brush our teeth and go to bed, but people are irreplaceable when it comes to laughing, crying, and general empathy.

 

Older little with no relationships as a red flag?:

Again, personally, as someone who is 30 and has never had a romantic relationship before, I'm gonna say 'no' to this one.

There's a myriad of reasons why someone may never have had a relationship and honestly it's social norms that dictate why this would ever be a red flag.

I'm pretty happy with myself even though I've never been in a relationship. And I think there's a lot to be said about that over someone who's been in abusive or traumatizing relationships.

Is it better for someone to have never been in a relationship but are healthy and happy with oneself? Or better to have had relationships but are emotionally distraught and unhappy with oneself?

Pros and cons of both, but in my opinion I think the former takes precedence.

(Not saying that relationships mean people aren't happy with themselves or are formed out of a void, but I do think a good portion of relationships are entered in to those ways.)

 

Littles with similar experience:

Can't quite answer this as I identify mainly as CG, but in general when it comes to being a detriment to finding someone.....

At the end of the day, I fill my time and space with things that make me happy and add to my identity.

If I never find someone, then that's okay. I'm open to the possibility but I don't let the lack of a partner hinder my mindset or life goals.

 

How to keep optimism:

It is okay to be sad and down. Your friends are there to support and love you; please share your thoughts with them as bottling things up can only do more harm than good.

I think meeting people (once the pandemic is over) and continuing to go to events like you did helps.

It's about the willingness to meet and experience that will lead you to find whatever it is that you need.

Also, don't have expectations. Meet every new person as a friend and if things develop then awesome. If not, then you've got another cool friend!

Do things that add to your self worth and self value. Be true to yourself and be brave enough to cry if you need to, scream if you want to, and dig in to ice cream whenever the heck you want.

 

Advice?:

Everything happens as they're meant to. Believe in that.

Perhaps this time being single is meant to provide you with the character and strength to perfectly blend you with someone that's coming on the horizon.

Or maybe it's just to build you into being an awesome person.

So many questions that only time can tell, but in the meanwhile, do things that make you happy. Little or big! 

 

Happy to talk more but I'll end the wall of text here for now. 

[Guest Oligoclase]

Is there such thing as too independent to the point that a potential caregiver is turned off? As in you thinking, "that little does everything on their own, they don't need anyone to care for them. I won't waste my time."

 

Nope. If a little isn’t capable of being independent I would find that rather concerning. She should be able to get along fine without a caregiver and be fully active in our relationship as an adult if needed. If she’s incapable, or unwilling, to be independent it changes the dynamic from choice to necessity. 

 

 

Do caregivers feel like they can't bring much to the table and are scared off by these types of littles? 

 

No.

 

If an older little (actual age, not little age) hasn't had a caregiver or a real relationship, is that a red flag?

 

No. Life, like relationships, is complicated. Just because they haven’t been in a relationship doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them. On never having a caregiver. It seems many people are discovering or accepting this side of them as they grow older. With the troubles littles have of finding the right caregiver for them (not to mention avoiding abusive ones) it isn’t crazy to think it could take serious time to find a caregiver that’s right for you; even just to start.

 

Any advice?

 

Enjoy life the best you can. Savor small moments in the present. Explore who you are (safely!) Don’t let one part of who you are dominate the rest, such as being a little; people can have many sides, interests, and dreams for the future. Take the time to develop them all.

[baby_k]

What the other's said and:

 

Is there such thing as too independent to the point that a potential caregiver is turned off?

 

If the cg is turned off because by this: RUNNNNNNNNN. They are then showing some really serious red flag as they are looking for someone dependent for who knows why. So, fault in this case is not in you but in them.

 

Do caregivers feel like they can't bring much to the table and are scared off by these types of littles?

 

See above answer. Thou: anyone can have insecurities over super random things, so cg feeling unsure or insignificant about/with something ( silly ) just means you need to talk about it. Cgs are also just humanbeings with worries and all, but as anyone: they should show maturity by being able to talk about those things.

 

If an older little (actual age, not little age) hasn't had a caregiver or a real relationship, is that a red flag?

 

I can mainly say that cg without little or "real" relationship wouldn't be red flag to me. Something to pay bit more attention to? Maybe as they are just beginners with many things but that's all.

 

I once dated a person who hadn't lived with a girl before nor been in long serious relationship. I can admit that was sometimes really frustrating as he had not learnt to take others into account. But was that because of his lack of experience or just a personality question? I would say both but more siding with the personality.

 

Anyhow, everybody has to start somewhere and we all have been inexperienced once. If one just is willing to learn and adjust to make the other person happy, there hardly is any issue. And if there is no previous experiences, means also there is no previous baggage, trauma, bad habits and strange assumptions formed, so that sort of person can sometimes even be lot easier person. ( There hardly is anything more frustrating then  "but I'm not her!!!! I wouldn't act like that!!!! I would never do such thing!! Why you accuse me of something some ass once did to you but not me???". <- that btw is not mature and good way to communicate but trust me: things heat up super fast when other one is judging you based on someone negative previous experience they had with someone else. )

 

Littles with similar experience, do you feel that those things are a detriment to your ability to find a caregiver? How did you overcome them?

 

Umh, I could say I get contacted far less now than when I was younger, and those contacts last lot less time because I have learnt to ditch people who are not great fit for me. When I was young and dumb ( well, still am a bit ) I would give too easily the "benefit of doubt" or just be too accepting and open in all the wrong ways. Now I don't take people's crap as much and also can see faster if someone is totally incompatible with me. I also would say that the contacts I have are generally speaking way better quality. Those encounters may not lead to anything relationshipwise but I at least have met interesting people and learnt normally something from them.

 

In general, how do you keep up your optimism?

 

Life always has it's ups and downs. There has been moment you had fate in future and when all felt great, and then there are the moments when... well, yeah. I just know that whatever it is, it will pass and I will be again super happy at some point.

[Bearly]

Independent littles are valid. Some friends have suggested that I be an independent little, since I like the aesthetic but don't want to be the little in a CGL dynamic.

[Lili_Night]

I'm not going to lie and say I have any answers to your questions, but I just had to say that I felt this in my soul. What you are speaking and asking about sounds like what I am going though, and I just wanted to give you mad props for having the guts to speak out about it.

[Barney048]

I'd lilke to weigh in here as well. First of all, all these questions you are posting are just brought upon by your insecurities do to past bad online relationships and lack of experience at your age, which is in no way a bad thing and you shouldn't feel like any less of a person because of it. You want to find the right caregiver for yourself, and since it hasn't happened yet you are starting to question yourself and find fault in your behaviour, but you shouldn't. I get that you really want to find that right dom , but the right dom for you will appreciate all these qualities of yours , rather than see them as baggage. Now on to the questions:

 

Too independent being a turn off to a CG?:

 

There is no such thing as being too independent as an adult, only being too reliant. While a ddlg dynamic is based on the caregiver aspect, both parties are still adults and should be as independent as possible. The care and guidance that a dom provides isn't do to the little being helpless or asking for it , but because he wants to guide her to be her best self. If a daddy is looking for a dependent little or vice versa, it will in no way be a healthy dynamic. And a lot of doms, me included , specificly state in their personal that they want the sub to be independent. 

 

If an older little (actual age, not little age) hasn't had a caregiver or a real relationship, is that a red flag?

 

That's in no way a red flag, and I don't see it being one for anyone. I can understand a sub wanting an experianced dom, which is perfectly normal. But I have never met a dom who would have experiance as their criteria when looking for a sub.