LDR help.

[Guest Daddywhoneedshelp]

I need help.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm a daddy with Autism and anxiety and many issues, and there's a lot of things that can damage me. Things like if my LDR little leaves for an extended period of time without telling me and giving me no reason. Things like her being reckless about Covid. I make it incredibly clear. I punished her. I broke down. I had an anxiety attack. I punished her this morning and today she has done both these things. After getting the punishment. There will also be times I tell a story or send a text and it's just flat out ignored in favor of something to do with her. I'm hurting. I know I'm the daddy and have to be strong. Her excuse keeps being that she's not used to it but the struggle is I don't know any other way to get it into her. I'm trying. I feel like a failure as a Dom. I have no clue what's left to do and just want some sort of advice.

[Guest Daddywhoneedshelp]

New here if I did this wrong sorry. I literally made this just for this.

[Little kaiya]

It doesn't sound like you're a failure as a dom more that you and your partner arent on the same page. It could be temporary, COVID is impacting a lit of people in a lot of ways, or it could be a sign of a deeper incompatibility.

 

You are a human being first and a dom second. No human being can be or should be expected to be strong all the time.

 

It sounds like the two of you may need a meta talk, adult to adult, outside of the DDlg dynamic. If she's constantly ignoring you, your needs and making it all about her then it honestly sounds more like intentionally dismissive or disrespectful behaviour.

 

Good luck.

[Guest Daddywhoneedshelp]

It doesn't sound like you're a failure as a dom more that you and your partner arent on the same page. It could be temporary, COVID is impacting a lit of people in a lot of ways, or it could be a sign of a deeper incompatibility.

You are a human being first and a dom second. No human being can be or should be expected to be strong all the time.

It sounds like the two of you may need a meta talk, adult to adult, outside of the DDlg dynamic. If she's constantly ignoring you, your needs and making it all about her then it honestly sounds more like intentionally dismissive or disrespectful behaviour.

Good luck.

I've asked repeatedly for adult talks, we have them, then right back too it.

 

The Covid issue is she not only randomly left work to ride in a car with a co worker she took her mask off. Which I tell her to keep on. And she knows if she's supposed to be at work I will only feel safe with her AT work.

Edited June 3, 2020 by Daddywhoneedshelp

[Little kaiya]

Then you need to decide whether you want to stay with someone who doesn't seem to respect you or care about your feelings. Nobody can tell you what to do but personally, I couldn't have someone in my life who didn't care enough about me to disregard my feelings on a repeated basis. Edited June 3, 2020 by Little kaiya

[Alaskan Daddy]

as a daddy I have chatted with several littles that wanted me as their daddy but after a week or so I could tell we did not match up well. My advice to you is try and have a conversation with your little where both of you discuss your needs and expectations in the relationship. But there is nothing wrong with being honest and walking away from a relationship that is not working for you. It very well be that she is not the right little for you. I hope for the best for you and her

[Guest Daddywhoneedshelp]

as a daddy I have chatted with several littles that wanted me as their daddy but after a week or so I could tell we did not match up well. My advice to you is try and have a conversation with your little where both of you discuss your needs and expectations in the relationship. But there is nothing wrong with being honest and walking away from a relationship that is not working for you. It very well be that she is not the right little for you. I hope for the best for you and her

as a daddy I have chatted with several littles that wanted me as their daddy but after a week or so I could tell we did not match up well. My advice to you is try and have a conversation with your little where both of you discuss your needs and expectations in the relationship. But there is nothing wrong with being honest and walking away from a relationship that is not working for you. It very well be that she is not the right little for you. I hope for the best for you and her

The one time I mentioned any sort of leaving she said she'd go uh harm herself. If I ever even mention it she'll lose it and say she wants to feel numb(her way of saying harm herself).

[Little kaiya]

That's emotional blackmail at best and intentional emotional abuse at worst. Honestly, people do things like that to manipulate others into doing what they want, in this case getting you to stay. Your partner is an adult and whether you stay or leave, if they decide to self harm that decision is theirs, it is not your fault in ANY way. There are a lot of red flags here, more every time you add detail. Honestly, be very careful and please put your needs and safety first and dont let this person manipulate you into staying in what increasingly sounds like a toxic relationship. Edited June 3, 2020 by Little kaiya

[Guest Daddywhoneedshelp]

That's emotional blackmail at best and intentional emotional abuse at worst. Honestly, people do things like that to manipulated others into doing what they want, in this case getting you to stay. Your partner is an adult and whether you stay or leave, if they decide to self harm that decision is theirs, it is not your fault in ANY way. There are a lot of red flags here, more every time you add detail. Honestly, be very careful and please put you needs and safety first and dont let this person manipulate you into staying in what increasingly sounds like a toxic relationship.

It's pretty bad and even I recognize it. Sometimes you're just blinded by love for someone.

 

And before I continue sorry for talking your ear off you don't have to read, I just don't get to voice these feelings.

 

In the interest of fairness and transparency her big thing is no yelling and I have slipped up, not an excuse because it's my fault but it's usually only after she never tells me where she's going or what she's doing. She says I don't listen but just an example

 

She randomly said she was gonna go get coffee (she didn't got something else without asking but I was sad and not talking so I can't exactly blame her there, although if you say coffee get coffee even if I'm not around. Idk.) and go pants shopping, I got mad asking if the pants shopping was really essential because her doctor said she shouldn't go out. She agreed to not go pants shopping and when I kept pursuing it she said I wasn't listening but my point was the only reason she is not going is because she told me and she was full well planning to go. She then changed what her doctor said. But it's not my fault she originally said her doctor doesn't want her out the said ACTUALLY he just doesn't want me at work. Idk, I'm rambling sorry. I just think it would have been important to tell me the full doctor quote the first time she mentioned it, and she absolutely was going to go shopping if she didn't tell me.

 

I'll shut up now, sorry.

Edited June 3, 2020 by Daddywhoneedshelp

[pawsies]

Hi, threatening your partner with self harm is a HUGE red flag, and frankly very very manipulative. You're giving her attention, you're trying your best to still be her Daddy and enforce rules even when she doesn't seem to want to listen to you. You're not in the wrong here from what I can tell. And like kaiya said, it is her own decision to self harm, regardless of her blackmailing you. I would say she very much has control over it seeing as if you stay with her she'll make the decision NOT to self harm.

At the end of the day it's up to you, but you should never feel pressure to stay with someone because they say they'll do something bad to themselves otherwise. You have a right to feelings as well. You have a right to be respected, and you have a right to not be in any relationship you don't want to be in.

The situation is very unfair, and maybe it's even worth saying that to her.

 

I wish you the best, whatever happens x

 

 

edit: Just read your last response...but in regards to covid, what is the difference between her going shopping and being at work? surely she'll be more protected at work with the LEGAL regulations in place for PPE, washing hands etc. So if it's not ideal to be at work it probably isn't ideal to go out shopping. just my thoughts.

[Guest Daddywhoneedshelp]

Hi, threatening your partner with self harm is a HUGE red flag, and frankly very very manipulative. You're giving her attention, you're trying your best to still be her Daddy and enforce rules even when she doesn't seem to want to listen to you. You're not in the wrong here from what I can tell. And like kaiya said, it is her own decision to self harm, regardless of her blackmailing you. I would say she very much has control over it seeing as if you stay with her she'll make the decision NOT to self harm.

At the end of the day it's up to you, but you should never feel pressure to stay with someone because they say they'll do something bad to themselves otherwise. You have a right to feelings as well. You have a right to be respected, and you have a right to not be in any relationship you don't want to be in.

The situation is very unfair, and maybe it's even worth saying that to her.

 

I wish you the best, whatever happens x

 

 

edit: Just read your last response...but in regards to covid, what is the difference between her going shopping and being at work? surely she'll be more protected at work with the LEGAL regulations in place for PPE, washing hands etc. So if it's not ideal to be at work it probably isn't ideal to go out shopping. just my thoughts.

First on the work vs shopping thing, shopping is an extra risk. She'll lose her job and place to live if she stops working, she'll be fine without new jeans.(possible I understood you wrong on this bit, sorry. Hard to process sometimes)

 

We both have self harm issues, but I've never threatened to do them over her, she says it mid discussion all the time and will leave and comeback and hasn't even actually done it.

 

I'm very clear with her I feel it's unfair.

Edited June 3, 2020 by Daddywhoneedshelp

[pawsies]

Unfortunately, all you can do is tell her the risks of going out when it isn't absolutely essential. She's an adult at the end of the day, therefore can make her own decision of how big of a deal she thinks it is. She clearly understands your thoughts, as you've already punished her for 'being reckless'.

 

And knowing that you both suffer(ed) from self harm makes it all the more clearer she's using it to manipulate the situation so she gets what she wants. And in this case, she gets to keep her Daddy without actually correcting her behaviour after you communicating with her your worries and what you deem unfair in the relationship.

 

My advice would be clearly address that this behaviour is MANIPULATIVE and consider her thoughts as well in regards to going out and protecting herself because maybe there is a compromise

[SmolAetherr]

honestly from a victim of emotional abuse (me) to you, someone who is experiancing it

 

record all of her threats of self harm, then forward them to the police and leave her

 

i also have autism dude, i know how deeply impacted you are right now, i know how you feel like a failure because she wont listen to you but the thing is you cant force people to work for you, its a hard lesson i had to learn

 

i cant make people stop talking to me when im having a meltdown and want to be alone

i cant make people adjust their behavior when i have told them things need to change for me to stay in their life

i cant make people listen to me and care about my struggle

 

you need to learn this too, for your own sanity and as silly as it sounds the reality is you are not a failure as a dom, far from it you care and you love her, we can all see this but you can't make her safe if she doesent want to be

 

you also cant let her trap you in her little box with threats and fear, thats not fair on you

 

listen from one autistic daddy to another, get out and go be happy with someone who cares about you and accepts you for the fantastic dom you are!

Edited June 3, 2020 by Aetherr

[baby_k]

Others commented already the most important things but one sidenote as I feel it might help you with relationships in general:

 

You are trying to force on her whatever ideas you have on how one should behave when it comes to covid. That is not sustainable as she clearly doesn't seem to share your views. Being a daddy doesn't mean that you decide all things in her life and that you should have right to go over her own decisions/ideas ( sure, you can agree to do all that but I hardly think it works in most cases if your views differ a lot ). Things are always a compromise in way or an other.

 

For example: clean house might be super important to you but not to her. Maybe she leaves her outdoor clothes to floor when she comes home, and that mess doesn't bother her. Trying to make sure she won't leave her stuff to floor is pretty impossible thing UNLESS she wants to work with you and wants to get rid of the habit. As long as you don't live together, it's not really your bussiness as it doesn't affect you directly. So, why bother with that even the mess is against your values and views? She has right to live as she feels, and you will just bang your head to wall while trying to make her act like you do.

 

To demonstrate what you are demanding from her if taken to extreme: "you can't wear those clothes as I don't like them", "you are not allowed to talk to other people as it makes me feel uncomfortable"... That sort of things are often done by partner who is controlling and insecure, and incredibly jealous. And all that would be seen as bad/red flags. Obviously now we are talking about her heath, so it's more okay for you to try to control her but in the end of day that it is: attempt to control her.

 

Ask yourself why you want to or need to do that? Is it actually you who needs to adabt to tolerate her different ways? Or is it just that you are incompatible? To me you sound really absolute on what you want from her and even it's somewhat logical things you ask, I still doubt that you can find person who is like a copy of you and will always want to do things excaty as you do -> you need to learn to tolerate differencies / stupid stuff from others as there hardly is only one good way to act. Like with the mask: it mainly protects others and not her unless she has proper mask that is changed often enough which I highly doubt in current situation. So, you are forcing things on her based on your FEELINGS and not just facts. ( That btw is normal but just to point it out: you also do things based on things you assume to be correct or what you feel to be correct. It's difficult thing to say who is right with many cases in the end even we have tendency to think we are the logical and reasonable ones...).

 

If she would have asked you to monitor her and tell her if she is doing something stupid, then all good. But considering her actions, I doubt she sees things the way you do. And you can't really make people to act totally against their nature or views of life.

 

But yeah, this is just sidenote, and clearly not the real issue you are dealing with but something I hope you might consider later when you are in better situation.

[junebug0325]

Others commented already the most important things but one sidenote as I feel it might help you with relationships in general:

 

You are trying to force on her whatever ideas you have on how one should behave when it comes to covid. That is not sustainable as she clearly doesn't seem to share your views. Being a daddy doesn't mean that you decide all things in her life and that you should have right to go over her own decisions/ideas ( sure, you can agree to do all that but I hardly think it works in most cases if your views differ a lot ). Things are always a compromise in way or an other.

 

For example: clean house might be super important to you but not to her. Maybe she leaves her outdoor clothes to floor when she comes home, and that mess doesn't bother her. Trying to make sure she won't leave her stuff to floor is pretty impossible thing UNLESS she wants to work with you and wants to get rid of the habit. As long as you don't live together, it's not really your bussiness as it doesn't affect you directly. So, why bother with that even the mess is against your values and views? She has right to live as she feels, and you will just bang your head to wall while trying to make her act like you do.

 

To demonstrate what you are demanding from her if taken to extreme: "you can't wear those clothes as I don't like them", "you are not allowed to talk to other people as it makes me feel uncomfortable"... That sort of things are often done by partner who is controlling and insecure, and incredibly jealous. And all that would be seen as bad/red flags. Obviously now we are talking about her heath, so it's more okay for you to try to control her but in the end of day that it is: attempt to control her.

 

Ask yourself why you want to or need to do that? Is it actually you who needs to adabt to tolerate her different ways? Or is it just that you are incompatible? To me you sound really absolute on what you want from her and even it's somewhat logical things you ask, I still doubt that you can find person who is like a copy of you and will always want to do things excaty as you do -> you need to learn to tolerate differencies / stupid stuff from others as there hardly is only one good way to act. Like with the mask: it mainly protects others and not her unless she has proper mask that is changed often enough which I highly doubt in current situation. So, you are forcing things on her based on your FEELINGS and not just facts. ( That btw is normal but just to point it out: you also do things based on things you assume to be correct or what you feel to be correct. It's difficult thing to say who is right with many cases in the end even we have tendency to think we are the logical and reasonable ones...).

 

If she would have asked you to monitor her and tell her if she is doing something stupid, then all good. But considering her actions, I doubt she sees things the way you do. And you can't really make people to act totally against their nature or views of life.

 

But yeah, this is just sidenote, and clearly not the real issue you are dealing with but something I hope you might consider later when you are in better situation.

 

I agree. I know that right now it can be a scary time for everyone as we don't really know that much about the virus and everything that goes along with it. However, just because you are a Daddy doesn't mean that you get to control every aspect of her life (unless she wants it but it is obvious to me that sh doesn't because according to you shes disobeyed you multiple times).

 

However, it seems to me that you two just are not on the same page. And that's okay, until she is threatening you with self-harm and until you are trying to force your own personal beliefs on to her and punish her for not following those beliefs. You are both consenting adults that need to have the proper communication to talk about things like this. You said you've already had a conversation with her and she still went out against your wishes. To me, that sounds like she doesn't respect your boundries enough to take heed to your wishes. Is that seriously someone that you want to have in a relationship? Just a thought.

 

 

 

 

Junebug x