Question (not sure if this is the right place)

[Angelwolf]

I am a little and my daddy is awesome, but for days after we play if I have bruises or cuts he gets mad at himself for it and refuses to touch me. I tell him it’s ok and he does aftercare when it happens but it still bothers him. How do you deal with this?

Side note: I’m new to the ddlg part but I’ve always been a little so I’m not sure how to make him see I’m ok with it all and not have him be mad with himself over it.

[James Connolly]

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Edited June 7, 2024 by James Connolly

[Angelwolf]

See that’s where I get confused because he says he likes it and can’t help himself but he always feels bad afterwards. I tell him it’s ok and that if it bothered me I’d tell him to stop but he always responds with “no is not ok I hurt you”. Don’t get me wrong him telling me he feels bad shows me he cares, which I love. And it’s not that he doesn’t feel it’s him, he’s totally in to it but for some reason every time he does it he refuses to touch me for days afterwards unless it’s hand hold and cuddles. To be honest I’m not sure I’m wording this right so I’m probably just confusing people. If what I said doesn’t make sense let me know and I will clarify.

[James Connolly]

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Edited June 7, 2024 by James Connolly

[Angelwolf]

We have, and we've also set boundaries due to things that have happened to me in the past and the reason I'm a little in the first place. In terms of bruises and cuts I don't mind them because it enhances it. As for the down time afterwards, usually I don't get physical signs of bruises or cuts until after a couple days so it doesn't come up. I don't know if the fact that it's not noticable for a couple days is what bothers him or if it's more he cares/respects me "too much"... does that make sense? I know both he and I have both had pasts where bruises and cuts were done by an unkind hand but we discussed at length before this was even a thought for us (he didn't tell me he was into this until almost a year into our relationship for fear I would leave). I told him that I trust him to not hurt me like others have but that bruises and cuts don't bother me because as long as it's someone I trust to care for me after, I know they were heat of the moment and not done because they want to harm me just to harm me.

I'll put it into perspective since I'm really bad at explaining anything if the backstory isn't told. He likes to bite and scratch and he knows my body reacts to it. So about a week ago he ended up leaving a couple bruises and cuts, which weren't visible until a couple days later. I had changed into shorts and he immediately stopped and pulled me to him apologizing profusely for it. I didn't know what he was talking about because I hadn't seen it. Once I saw what he was talking about I told him it was ok and explained again why it didn't bother me and that his aftercare after it happened but wasn't aware of the extent, made me realize that he truly cared. But he refused to touch me until the other night unless it was just hand holding, cuddles and kisses. I'm just worried that because of our pasts I'll be going through this all the time even though I've told him that it doesn't bother me because of who gave them to me and the care after.

[LittleTeacup]

It kind of sounds maybe like a dom/top drop thing. Aftercare is not just for you, but for your partner too. Has this "refusing to touch you afterwards" thing only happened once or every time? If it's just once maybe he didn't realize those marks would show up and fears you don't like it, but he'll be more comfortable next time if you make clear you're ok. If it's every time, I'd advise taking a break from the scratching and biting until he isn't so upset by it anymore. There are so many reasons why he might not feel comfortable and the only way to find out exactly why is to ask him.

[Angelwolf]

So far only once where bruises were present. Scratches don't seem to have this effect which is why it bothered me because I have told him marks don't bother me multiple times even before this started. He told me that he'd be more careful next time even after I told him it was ok and I was fine but so far nothing I don't know. I guess I will talk to him more about it again see why because it does hurt when he shuts me out

[Angelwolf]

So far only once where bruises were present. Scratches don't seem to have this effect which is why it bothered me because I have told him marks don't bother me multiple times even before this started. He told me that he'd be more careful next time even after I told him it was ok and I was fine but so far nothing I don't know. I guess I will talk to him more about it again see why because it does hurt when he shuts me out

[Alaskan Daddy]

Thank you for all the information you have shared. Even though you have told him many times how you feel, he still cannot help how he feels about the brusies that he gives you. Those are just his feelings and he cannot help how he feels. I think the best way that you and him can move for ward is if you can get him to open up completely about why he feels the way he does. See if you can get him to look deep inside his heart and pull out what he his feeling about the bruising. I know you tell him to trust you and not to feel bad about the bruises and you want your words to be enough. I feel there is a struggle inside his heart that keeps him from accepting his behavior as being 'OKAY'.  I feel if you can get him to look deep inside of his heart and tell you why he feels the way he does could be a great start for him to free himself from his demons that control his feelings. I hope this makes sense and helps you move forward

[baby_k]

What @Alaskan Daddy said. It can be domdrop but it also seems like general bigger issue: he does something he is not totally convinced that it is okay. So, he might even in his head know the marks are okay but not in his heart. Thou in this case I'm not fully convinced he knows that even in his head

 

People often need time to process stuff that BDSM includes as many of the things practised there are total no in normal life. Like I had issues with my sub side even in logical level because I have always been taught in my society that everybody are equal and people need to do things equally - not that there could be different roles if both happen to enjoy them. That was hard to come in terms in my head as the whole setting seemed to be totally against all my beliefs of humanity and feminism. Even now I don't see what the issue was for: of course each person should have the right to enjoy whatever they enjoy as long as it doesn't hurt others ( unless those others want that ).

[Angelwolf]

From my understanding, and please correct me if I am wrong or misinformed (as I said earlier I am new to this), dom drop most commonly occurs shortly after a session and not a few days after. He doesn't drop after the session at all but did once the bruises showed (a few days after the session). As I also stated before, we did discuss at length (well before DDlg was a thought for us) what sort of boundaries we would set for our first time (again well before DDlg was even a thought for us). He knows about my past (physical/sexual abuse) and I told him flat out that as long as I know nothing was meant with ill intent it wouldn't bother me at all. He said he understood and as I said the scratches never seemed to have the effect that the bruises have.

[baby_k]

Domdrop just like subdrop can happen later too, even days later some say.

 

He reacts to bruises more than to scrathes fr some reason. For some reason they trigger him into seing himself as horrible person.

 

Maybe think it this way: you accidentally hit your friend ( maybe with some item your were carrying and didn't see the friend or whatever ). You apologise and your friend says there is no issue, they are okay, no worries. You probably can move on of that after the hassle of apologies etc. THEN few days later you see that your friend has horrible bruises where you hit them accidentally. Of course it triggers guilt and worry over it they really are okay.

[Angelwolf]

Ok that makes sense to me, thank you for clarifying. I guess I'll have to sit him down and remind him that it really doesn't bother me when it happens because I know that they aren't made with ill intent. Though if I'm completely honest with you and myself, if I bruise someone and it doesn't show up for a few days as long as they tell me it's OK I'm ok with it and don't feel guilty or worried that they're lying about it. I will work with him and hopefully it gets better because I like the marks he leaves on me regardless of if they were intentional or in the heat of the moment. Thank you

[daddymind]

A lot of guys are very on edge about this stuff today. Even if it is consensual, there may be some paranoid thoughts floating around in the back of his mind. Like if someone happened to see those cuts/bruises, for example, they may assume the worst. I know he has nothing to worry about, but sometimes the irrational part of the mind just takes over.

 

Personally, if my babs was into heavy impact play, seeing those marks for days after would have an effect on me.

Edited May 31, 2020 by daddymind