Too much? Vent-post

[tayiie]

[Alaskan Daddy]

My first response is that you are not being selfish at all. And no you are not asking too much.  Your feelings matter just as much as his do. Your needs and desires matter as much as his do. I understand being tired from work and being tired on my days off. It sounds like your SO really does not want to do anything with you and your dog. I feel he is the one being selfish. The best growth I had in any relationship was doing something with my partner that I really did not have much of an interest in. It made her feel like her interests were important to me, but more important it made her like she was important to me. What I got out of it was a feeling of deeper love between us. My point is that I feel you really need to have heart to heart conversation with your SO and tell him how it makes you feel when he will not make the effort to make your needs and desires as important as his. Tell him  everything you shared here on the forum. See if he will compromise. See if you can get him to deeply understand what you are going through in your heart being in a country that is not your own.  I hope this gives you some ideas to make things better between you and your SO. Good luck with everything

[MissPattch]

Hey Tayiie, as someone who's been in that exact same situation, i moved from England to California to be with my previous Dom, i can tell you that you really aren't being selfish. Making time for our partners is what strengthens the bond between us. He worked unfixed hours, so we could never really make plans, and his job was very demanding, so he was almost always tired on his rare days off and when he got home. We had the talks about how i felt, and he honestly didn't see how hard a time i was having being in a new place, no friends, no transport. He figured it would be just the same as it was before. After wards, things were better, and we tried to set aside once or twice a week, time to do things together, even if it was just half an hour in the pool messing about. It wasn't always possible, but it certainly helped. Sometimes, just asking for what we want isn't always enough, sometimes you might need to explain why you want or need them. Your needs are just as valid as your partners, and the fact that you have left everything behind to be with them should be taken in to account. Its harder with the current situation, i know, and its affecting every bodys mood differently, but explaining how you feel about things is a good place to start <3

[MysticSand]

Ditto on the above posters in regards to communication.

 

Here are some other suggestions for after or being part of the communication:

 

Plan plan plan! Since you know what his schedule is and weekends are free, maybe ask if it'd be okay for you to plan weekend activities every other weekend.

It doesn't have to be extensive, even just "2 hrs at the park (and picnic?)" for a Sunday afternoon would be something. I imagine it'd mainly be for shorter time periods and simple enough so that he wouldn't feel stressed out about not getting down time or thinking about expenses.

 

In regards to your day, I'm not sure what setting you're in or the availability of stuff around you but it seems like going to the park would need transportation.

Would getting a bike or scooter be feasible? You could even get a little basket or backpack for your dog to fit in! This way maybe you could get to the park or just explore a little more than you would be able to just walking. Take a look around the neighborhood on google maps too, there may be some small parks or public areas that you/him don't know about that could suit your purposes.

 

I know socialization is super hampered right now because of the pandemic, so in regards to trying to occupy your time indoors, maybe look for or even start up some online groups so that you can do things together. Of course this doesn't take away from the fact that you're itching to just get out of the apartment for awhile, but it could just serve as a way to occupy your mind so you don't have that feeling as much.

[Nymph]

Culture shock is real, it doesn't matter if it's a similar culture or if you have been there before. Your partner should have prepared himself for this but it's not only his responsibility to deal with it, you need to find ways too. From where to where did you move?

 

Honestly with this pandemic going to the supermarket once a week together is a luxury.

 

You mention you go to the park in the evenings because of the heat, I suggest you go also early in the morning before it gets hot. That is assuming you can walk there, your post is not clear if you can walk there or if you need your partner to drive you there... if you can indeed walk, you need to stop being paranoid about getting raped/killed if you go alone. Is it really such a dangerous area? if so, isn't just as bad staying alone all day in your apartment? I am not saying this so you are scared of being at home, just saying that you may be putting all the pressure on your partner who is already tired to start with and oh surprise, he is exhausted now.

 

In case you haven't noticed, yes I have been in that situation. With quarantine I have been reminded of those times actually and I feel bad for anyone that has never experienced this because it's a terrible place to be. So what you are dealing with is a bit of a double situation, locals are already feeling their freedom has been taken away by removing so many options but then there is you, who wouldn't even know the options to start with so of course you feel helpless.

 

For us who have already kinda been through it, it's still hard but less of a shock. You find new hobbies that will work with your current situation instead of bitching of what you cannot do, some of them will be really silly and pointless and will not try more than once, but that hour (or a few!) went by a lot faster. Use google maps around your area and make notes of places you want to check out at some point that someone is a local does not mean they know everywhere and everything in the city.

 

Is the reason you can't work because you are on a tourist visa? if so you can still volunteer, groups might not be gathering right now but most will be trying to organize as much as they can getting ready for when the lock down is over. If any other neighbors have dogs, leave a note at the entrance of your building offering to walk them with yours and you might make a new friend.

[tayiie]

Misplaced my phone

 

Thank y'all for your replies. When I was trying to get in to bed last night he woke up and felt a bit more refreshed.

 

So we talked a little. We always talk usually after things happen but he passed out.

 

He said he was too tired before to even make full sentences and hence why his response went the way it did. He does understand that I don't want to be indoors all day and that it was really something stupidly simple he could had just drove me to the park and waited in the car. We both apologized, mostly him and he also didn't think I should apologize because well, I can't really do anything even if I want to. But I can sometimes blow things up more than I should because of my anxiety and other things so I felt I should apologize some as well.

 

I get his frustration, I hate his job. He does too. It pays good, but working with internet helpdesk can be so mentally frustrating because some people that call in are just plain out ass holes. Mostly it's their attitude, he's really awesome at making the the customers attitude change during the calls but I can see it drains his energy a lot. He also does far more in order to help them than he actually should

 

We did take a longer walk with the dog last night in the apartment complex which was nice. Then had some nice snuggle time in bed and story time. So it turned out alright.

[tayiie]

Culture shock is real, it doesn't matter if it's a similar culture or if you have been there before. Your partner should have prepared himself for this but it's not only his responsibility to deal with it, you need to find ways too. From where to where did you move?

 

Honestly with this pandemic going to the supermarket once a week together is a luxury.

 

You mention you go to the park in the evenings because of the heat, I suggest you go also early in the morning before it gets hot. That is assuming you can walk there, your post is not clear if you can walk there or if you need your partner to drive you there... if you can indeed walk, you need to stop being paranoid about getting raped/killed if you go alone. Is it really such a dangerous area? if so, isn't just as bad staying alone all day in your apartment? I am not saying this so you are scared of being at home, just saying that you may be putting all the pressure on your partner who is already tired to start with and oh surprise, he is exhausted now.

 

In case you haven't noticed, yes I have been in that situation. With quarantine I have been reminded of those times actually and I feel bad for anyone that has never experienced this because it's a terrible place to be. So what you are dealing with is a bit of a double situation, locals are already feeling their freedom has been taken away by removing so many options but then there is you, who wouldn't even know the options to start with so of course you feel helpless.

 

For us who have already kinda been through it, it's still hard but less of a shock. You find new hobbies that will work with your current situation instead of bitching of what you cannot do, some of them will be really silly and pointless and will not try more than once, but that hour (or a few!) went by a lot faster. Use google maps around your area and make notes of places you want to check out at some point that someone is a local does not mean they know everywhere and everything in the city.

 

Is the reason you can't work because you are on a tourist visa? if so you can still volunteer, groups might not be gathering right now but most will be trying to organize as much as they can getting ready for when the lock down is over. If any other neighbors have dogs, leave a note at the entrance of your building offering to walk them with yours and you might make a new friend.

I moved from Sweden to Texas.

 

Sadly I can't walk to the park. We live right next to two major high ways and the park is next to one of them. So walking with my dog next to the high way doesn't feel safe for either of us.

 

I'm not the one paranoid think you misread that. I may however be a bit naive thinking nothing will happen. Not really sure how safe the area actually is, I think it's... Okay. Not great, but okay.

 

There's an old golf course nearby. Used to walk there when we lived in a different apartment, same complex, but then someone decided to start building new houses/apartments on the path I used to take, so now they have put up too much fencing and there's so much construction going on I can't walk there :/ and there's sadly not really too many side walks so I would be either walking on the road or down in a ditch.

 

I'm on a visa waiver program. Not sure if it gives the same benefits as a tourist visa, I have however seen there's more limitations on other aspects of my visa.