(TW selfharm) recurring nightmare

[Guest bad_apple]

Not sure if any of the great people here as any ideas about the meaning of dreams but I thought I try my luck.

Also easier to bring it up here as most people don't know me haha and it feels like overkill to mention it to my physician.

 

So, I have been having a recurring nightmare w since the end of last year. It's not happening every night but at least once a week.

 

It's just me standing in an empty room with white walls and one of those 2-way mirror things (I assume). I'm wearing a hospital gown with the sleeves rolled up.

I simply cut open my wrists with a piece of glass, sometimes it's a knife, and then show show the bleeding wounds to the mirror. I always feel like I'm waiting for someone's approval as to see if I have done it right.

 

That's the point I wake up. By now I'm not even frightened anymore but just annoyed by it because I wake up with such an eerie feeling.

 

Does anyone have an idea what this could mean?

Can just stress trigger dreams like that?

 

I feel fine and have absolutely no tendencies or desires to selfharm.

[SmolAetherr]

there are a whole host of experiances and event that trigger dreams, i cant comment on the causes but maybe there is a professional who can help you with it

[baby_k]

I vote for stress if you are experiencing it: at least for me stress causes loads of nightmares which wake me up. Several times a night.

 

Why selfharm dreams? No idea. Some say you process things with dreams but not sure. As the dream is always same, you might be those lucky ones who can actually take control of the dream with practise and stop it/end it in nicer way ( or at east I have read some people doing this ). Try searching about lucid dreaming.

 

I also have heard that often reoccuring dream means there is some unprocessed event or even trauma in your life which comes out as the same dream. Any clue if this could be the case? Or what the dream could represent to you?

[Guest bad_apple]

Yeah, my best guess was also work related stress.

I was also doubting my qualification for my position end of last year, that could maybe explain the seeking of approval?

 

But thanks for the tip with the lucid dreams, I will have a look at that.

[LittleCinder]

Okay, so I'mma chime in because I have a lot of experience in vivid dreams with meanings. I've learned to pay attention to dreams that.... feel... different from others. I know that's a really generic way of explaining things, but there's this feel to them that when I wake up, I know I need to delve into why it happened, because I know it's my subconscious trying to work through feelings/and or events, usually that I've been suppressing. I went ahead and looked around on some websites and found one that might help you. I don't recommend looking for self-harm dream interpretations if you're feeling low, because I was really upset at the sheer amount that simply said they were a cry for attention. Like... really? Can we stop with this barbaric thinking already?

https://www.mydreammeanings.com/actions/hurting-yourself-in-dreams/

The thought of hurting yourself should not be something that is on your mind. It is not healthy to think of punishing yourself when you feel that you warranted it because you have done something wrong. To visualize hurting yourself in a dream, whether emotionally or physically, suggests you may be too strict and judgmental about yourself. You feel that you have failed to live up to the grandiose expectations others and yourself may have anticipated from you. Dreaming about hurting yourself suggests that you are baffled and frustrated with your current situation. You yearn to escape, for you feel the world is a cold and hostile place.

Therefore, you feel by hurting yourself, you are able to punish yourself for failing to become what others want of you. You may be scared to do it physically in your awake self. As a result, you envision hurting yourself in your dream as a form of release of pent up frustration and guilt. Take a minute, sit down, and think. Although others want you to succeed and achieve high goals, you are human and not perfect. There should be nothing in the world that forces you to resort to hurting yourself.

Alternatively, hurting yourself in a dream may symbolize you feel neglected. You want attention from others, and feel that attention will be received if others realize you are hurt. Sure, you may get the attention of others, but is pity and sympathy what you really want?

This doesn't change the fact that self-harm is a really concerning thing to be thinking or even dreaming about, and even if you don't consciously feel like doing it, it might not hurt to go in and talk to someone, or at the very least take a really close look at what's going on in your life... maybe take a couple self-check quizzes for mental health/stress? Even feathers can overturn the scales if there's enough of them.

[Guest bad_apple]

Hi LittleCinder, thanks for taking so much time and looking into my dream.

I know that asking on a forum is obviously not equal to talk to a professional but at this time it seems a bit drastic to set up any appointments for just having a dream.

I also can't stress enough that I do not have any intention or desires to actually hurt myself!

The dream has a dramatic flair to it which is why I was hesitant to talk about it as it suggests that's its just about wanting attention.

 

I genuinely think the dream is less about actually hurting myself than maybe what the imagery could present in a more metaphorical way.

 

Between work related stress and feeling like I may not be performing well in my job, I think what you found on the website does sound like the issue could be located in that section of my life.

So I will be rethinking my expectation and feelings on that matter.

 

Nevertheless, I did feel good to get this out, so a big thank you to everyone who took the time to reply!

[baby_k]

Good if you feel better

 

I do think it could be job related like you say as that causes stress and anxiety. So, if you can deal with the work stuff, your stress levels should lower + there s no longer anything unprocesed -> would assume you wouldn't get the dream anymore. And if nt, at least less stress and improved mental state

 

Not sure why you feel like not performing well at your new position but I think every new job takes time before you really can do it well. There is always a learning curve for everyone but it also means you are making proccess as you have challenges there.

 

There is also the 'imposter syndrome' people often face. And it is normal that even if you would be the best expert in your field, you can still feel like a fraud. It's pretty normal, I would say.

 

What has helped me with feelings of "I'm not good enough / I don't really know enough / I'm not performing well enough" is to imagine other people doing my job. But that is maybe  only because I'm highly critical person and can see other's faults easily too -> I see how they also make mistakes and how they maybe would be better than me with some stuff but then would totally fail in other things.

 

Allsssoooo, don't compare yourself to people who have done the same stuff for long, they have had their learning curve already before, so always consider that person coming from same place as you: would they really be better? I doubt that. And if there is clear things you are not performing well, then just start improving them ( which btw makes you a lot better employee than what most people are ). If you do the best you can and selfreflect your actions and performance, it is already a lot and if I was your manager, I would be really happy you doing that because employee like that is more valuable in long run than just some robot which can do all perfectly immediately but can never progress too far.

 

And: we all have our struggles in life. For some it's work, for some personal life, or own health and so on. This is just something you can later look back and think "oh, was difficult time but it made me grow and I'm stronger and wiser person because of it".

[Guest bad_apple]

The thing is, I'm sometimes missing the feedback loop. I don't my boss to constantly pat me on the head and say "good job" but sometimes it feels I'm on a void with only my judgment if things are going well or not.

 

And while self reflection is important, it is only one side of the coin.

 

I love my job and I'm passionate about it and I do think I'm doing a good job. On the other hand I'm missing some validation if it that is actually true for other people as well haha. Or what areas I could work on to improve to become better in what I do.

That's when I start doubting myself. Also, negative things are usually more quickly communicated than good things so if I hear some sort of feedback it is mostly about the one thing that didn't go well and I keep dwelling on that.

 

In addition, my manager is located in a different EU country with a different mentality to my own. We also speak endlich as second language, so both these things can probably have an affacts on communicating sufficiently.

 

I kept brushing this off and tried to whinen or complain (too much) but if the dream is in relation to my situation at work I might not be as unaffected by it as liked to believe.

[baby_k]

What you just wrote is totally valid thing to tell your boss. Depending on your relationship, it can of course be hard to bring it up ( and depending of your boss, it can be just waste of time even but if the boss is even somehow decent manager, he/she will try to do something about it as that is their job as your manager ).

 

Do you have some one-on-one discussions with the boss? Here it is mandatory to have those at least once a year but I have found it to be good practise to have them every two weeks. If you don't have, you could just be proactive and reserve time to have this sort of discussion.

 

I don't recommend to just go with "byhyy, I need more feedback, this workplace is shit" but with "I have been thinking my job and would like to get feedback about it, know what things you value most, and how I can hep you do your job better and be good direct to you. It would also be beneficial for me to get more feedback in general as I feel bit lost atm without it". So, ask to get what you and want but also consider the boss. Ask the boss questions as that can help them to reflec how they manage you and thers and how to make better job but also what to ask from you and what sort of expectations they have from you. I also don't recommend ambushing him with these out of blue but tell about the agenda and things you wish to get answers from ( like send small list in email, so they have time to think about it prehand ).

 

Some people are afraid to be open and show vulnerability at work but I think telling that you are insecure or stressed to your boss is needed and not wrong in any way. It can also help them to see you more as person and not just employee, and they can start helping you better in the way you need -instead of just telling you what needs to be done for example.

 

Online there is tons of examples about what ( else ) to talk in those 1-on-1 sessions but if you need help, let me know as I have a thing for them Having these discussions with your manager about broader topics, goals and feelings is really beneficial imo. It also creates more focus to work, better development, more work satisfaction and closer relationship with you two. The boss gets more out of you and you more out of them, it's good for both of your careers, and also for more daily work too. However: do not talk just about the daily tasks as the point is to look things bit further away ( even sometimes it's good if the whole meeting is just chitchat, people are social creatures and that has it's place too ).

 

Edit: if you don't get enough feedback, ask for it. If you just get negative feedback, give them feedback also that it is not helpful just to hear negative things. Also your manager probably would love to hear more ( good ) feedback as that is thing you can never have enough, so give it to them too. Make it a habit to do it as that is the only way to change company culture.

Edited May 10, 2020 by baby_k