Little talking bad about themselves

[Guest SpaghettiNoodle]

I’ve recently started a daddy & little relationship with someone. They find it hard to accept compliments like when I say they’re cute or that they’re beautiful. I’m not sure how to approach talking to them about it as it’s still early days. I told them that they were beautiful and lovey, but they got upset and thought they were in trouble when I told them not to talk bad about themselves. They thought I was angry with them and got upset. I promised that I wouldn’t bring it up again until they were ready. I don’t want them to close themselves off from me because I asked too much and made them upset, but I don’t want them to think I don’t care. They have anxiety and panic attacks, so I think that and depression may play a part in it. Any help and advice would be really appreciated. Thank you.

[Alaskan Daddy]

what you are experiencing is very common. Lots of littles don't have high opinions of themselves for many reasons. Instead of telling her not to talk bad about herself , ask her why she feels that way. Let her know that in order for you to give her the care she needs, you need to know what is going on in her heart. Let her know that you understand that she does not see herself as cute or beautiful but the YOU find her very cute and beautiful. Try to find out what may be causing the depression and anxiety and find out what kind of things make her anxious. It may take a while before she will understand to have a better opinion of herself. Just take it day by day. I hope this helps

[LittleBunnyCici]

So, I'm going to say something that may make me the Unpopular Opinion Haver around these parts, but here we go.

 

DDlg is not an acceptable substitute for therapy.  You cannot ever "dom" or "daddy" someone out of issues with their mental health.  You don't mention one way or the other in your OP whether your little is seeing a therapist, and I can understand why you might choose to forego sharing that information as it's incredibly private, but if they're not then I must vehemently and immediately recommend that you sit them down and have a long, adult conversation with them about their mental health and the concerns you have.  This conversation should absolutely end with the suggestion that they start seeing someone with professional training and experience, and you can follow it up by offering any help you can provide: Giving them rides to and from their therapist (if you're local), letting them know that you're always there to talk to you about what they're working on in therapy if they want to talk about it, that sort of thing.

[princessfreckles]

I agree with Abandoned Flower. A grownup sit down talk is definitely necessary when neither of you are in space (Daddy or little space) to talk about it. Address why your little doesn't believe you. When you tell your little these things, if they don't believe you and you find that hurtful, make them aware of that. I know that if I had a Daddy and my refusal to accept his genuine compliments hurt him, I'd reconsider how I respond to his words. If your little is open and can afford it, therapy could be a viable option. Of course right now a lot of therapists and counselors aren't meeting in person, but a video chat or phone session would be immensely helpful. There are also apps available that allow counselors to be sought out for a certain number of sessions a month for one price. Again, if it can be afforded. Financially a lot of people are facing a hard time, and a lot of insurance (depending on where you're from) won't cover any sort of mental treatment in the form of talk therapy. Maybe your little one needs to see a medical doctor or mental health professional who can diagnose then prescribe antidepressants depending on what the specific issues are. 

 

Quite a few of my little friends have had similar issues as you're describing. Their Caregivers have negotiated rules to tackle the problems head on. Some were made to say 3 or 5 positive things about themselves for every one negative thought or response to a compliment. Others make sure their little ones journal their feelings a few times a week. They CG didn't have to see what they write unless the little wanted them to see it, but just wanted to make sure their little was writing. Some make sure their little is on top of their medication (which this can apply to any meds a little is on, it doesn't just apply to anti depressants and anti anxiety meds) regimen with alarms as reminders. Others had a rule about being honest when the little is overcome by negative thoughts. Others made sure their little was getting in with a therapist an agreed number of times a month or year. Was it helpful? For most of my little friends, yes. It had their Caregiver keeping them accountable to the actions that the little agreed to do in order to reach a better place mentally. What they found helpful about the rules being tailored to their needs was 1) feeling they weren't battling their issues alone and 2) not just words, but actions in order to make real progress 3) their Caregiver was truly invested in them and their growth. 

 

On a more personal note, I'm guilty of this myself. It's a long rough road to love oneself. No one can do it for me, I have to do it. It's all about baby steps. The first step was the hardest for me. My first step was simply believing the person giving me the compliment. Instead of assuming they're lying to show pity on me, arguing with the compliment giver, or whatever; I simply thank them. I also stop myself from questioning it. Literally, I hear something nice, I believe it, and say thank you. Seems obvious, but it's more difficult than one might think. I've never told anyone about this, but on days when I'm feeling particularly down on myself and in a negative head space (which is a lot thanks to the statewide stay at home order), I have a small box of compliments that I've written down on 3X5 cards that meant a lot to me. It's helpful to see good things that other people see in me that I often don't see in myself. 

[LittleCinder]

I have a small box of compliments that I've written down on 3X5 cards that meant a lot to me. It's helpful to see good things that other people see in me that I often don't see in myself. 

..... This is so powerful. What a great idea! I might steal it.

 

OP, definitely see if your Little is/will do therapy. Sounds like there's lots of abuse and/or neglect there that needs to be worked through. It really does help. I know it's expensive and a pain to get to and talking to someone else about things is... nnnnh. Awful for me because I have trust issues amongst everything else, but... it does help. There's a local clinic that does free for low-income, too. Might be something worth looking at, especially after this stupid virus runs its course.

 

Asking why she feels that way might help. Anxiety makes it really hard to do anything for both parties. Maybe see if she'll repeat your compliment? I know whenever someone gives me a compliment now, I will try to just accept that is the way they feel and I don't have to agree with them, but I have to believe that they feel that way. Sometimes me asking why they feel that way helps too. Like if someone says I'm pretty, I'll ask why. What do they think specifically is pretty? And then I try to internalize it. So and so says I'm pretty because they love my smile. It's not the first time I've heard that from someone. I must have a pretty smile.

[MysticSand]

I think as a blanket statement, everyone needs assurance and validation. It doesn't need to be as explicit as actually telling them, either! Since your little is having difficulty accepting such bold statements, try more body language. It's a simple thing but we're all innately programmed to pick up on body language cues. It'd be a subtle way to build their confidence without making them uncomfortable. (Hopefully.)

 

For example, instead of telling them how cute thet are, smile when you feel they're being especially cute. And not just smile, but like SUPER smile and add body language emphasis. I typically put my shoulders up and clap my hands together or wave them around when I get super excited at something my little is doing or showing me that I find super adorbs. This may be a bit much for CG's as I know not everyone is naturally that dramatic.

 

Soooo, the dulled down version might be a super big smile and when they ask what's up, maybe try for something that normalizes the situation and to go for comments that focus on your feelings and thoughts. eg: "Nothing, just talking with you makes me happy." So, nothing overtly on them, but an overall ego booster so that there's less chance to pinpoint/trigger/overthink.

 

Comments regarding being cute or beautiful can be intricately linked to beauty standards and while they may in fact be cute and beautiful, it could be triggering something and kicking in that automatic self defense mechanism.

 

It makes sense to want to get to the root of the self-esteem issues and equally importantly is how to address them and help them change their own self-perceptions. I think no matter how much a person is told they're wonderful and amazing and xyz, it doesn't matter if they don't believe it themselves. They have to be willing and conscious in addressing these demons themselves, but you being a positive influence to help them along that journey has validity too.

[Vampiress]

I think the above suggestions of encouraging your little to seek therapy are great, but also be prepared for the possibility that your little will refuse. The thing about therapy is that it doesn't necessarily work unless the individual wants to do this for themselves. Once it's forced it tends to be less helpful. I know that from experience. Growing up I'd seen a lot of therapists and I hated it because I was forced into it and no one cared what I felt about it. As an adult I went on my own later, and I was much more open and receptive to the help I was being given.

 

But yes... a lot of us littles struggle with this, I think some Caregivers do too, honestly. I would just suggest that when you compliment your little to let them know it's how you feel about them, regardless of how they feel or how they think others feel... but that they're your feelings and your opinion and they should at least be willing to compromise enough to accept that you are entitled to your own opinion and feelings. Reassure them these are your actual feelings and you're not just saying it to make them feel better or because you think it's what they want to hear.